Copyright 1994(c)
  
                          TURKEY-LURKEY  
              A Ruby Begonia Thanksgiving Adventure  
  
     "What's that?" asked David Freeman, who had been pressed into
service as chief cook and bottle-washer at Ruby's Pearls Truck  
Stop.  
     "Smell the salsa, Freeman," said Ruby, "it's a turkey, natch.
Thanksgiving is on its way, an' I plan to rake in the dough feedin'
lonely truckers a traditional Thanksgiving meal."  
     "Yes, I can see it's a turkey," said a patient David. "Why is
it walking around?"  
     "Jeez, Freeman, how do I know what goes on in a turkey's  
mind?" Ruby demanded. "Why'ntcha ask me why he's got that dangly
thing under his neck what looks a lot like Del Freeman's chin is
beginnin' to look?"  
     "Leave my wife's chin out of this," said David.  
     "Hey, I didn't bring it up. You're the one's tryin' to analyze
the turkey," said Ruby.  
     "I merely wondered why it was mobile, that's all," said David.
"It's gonna make it hard to get it to lay down in the roasting  
pan unless we use chloroform."  
     "Well, it ain't gonna be alive when we cook it, simp," said
Ruby. "It's just gonna be alive for the next couple-a-three weeks
while we feed it an fatten it up. I got a steal buy on this bird,
Freeman. I only paid $2 cash money for it," Ruby bragged.  
     "Why?" asked David.  
     "Cause I couldn't get the guy to go down to $1.50, that's  
why," Ruby snapped.  
     "No, I mean why did he sell it to you so cheap?"  
     "Well, uh..., he said it was kinda mean, but I ain't noticed
no antisocial tendencies," said Ruby, as the turkey wandered closer
to Curt and Jackie's gift plant. A tendril snaked out and caressed
the turkey's feathers, and the turkey turned and snapped it off,
gobbling it down. "Wow, di'ja see that?" Ruby exclaimed. "First 
time I seen anything can hold its own against the plant-monster."
     David merely frowned.  
                               ***  
     "Where's my yams?" David shouted a couple of weeks later, as
he began to plan the Thanksgiving repast.  
     "The turkey ate 'em," said Ruby.  
     "How do you expect me to cook Thanksgiving dinner without any
yams?" David asked.  
     "Ah, buy some more," said Ruby. "You want the turkey to plump
up, don'cha?"  
     David huffed, and began to untie his apron in preparation for
a trip to the market.   
     "Where are my car keys?" he asked.  
     Ruby looked at him.  
     "Don't even tell me," said David.  
     "You'll get 'em back before you stuff him," Ruby placated him.
"Here," she flipped a set of keys at him, "take my car."  
     "$#@% turkey," Freeman muttered, accepting her keys. "Between
the $#%@#@$% turkey and the #$@%%$#@ insatiable plant-monster, I've
had to buy three pairs of tenny-runners in the past two weeks." 
     The turkey goosed him on his way out the door.  
     "That's not nice, Fred," said Ruby.  
     Fred, the turkey, moved as if to goose Ruby, who ran in the
back.  
                               ***  
     "Okay, folks, this is the grand presentation," David told his
kitchen help, which consisted of Del's young cousins, Jay and Alex
Acree. "Jay, you peel the yams, and Alex, you mix up the ambrosia,"
he directed. "I've got to get busy with the turkey."  
     David marched into the dining room, hatchet in hand, and  
handed it to Ruby.  
     "The fateful day is upon us," he said. "Get my car keys, while
you're at it."  
     "Me?" asked Ruby.  
     "None other," said David.  
     "I can't kill Fred," Ruby protested.  
     "Well, we're damn sure not keeping him as a house pet," David
retorted. "The whole point of getting this annoying bird --," he
said, as the turkey moved closer and goosed him again, "YOWP!" he
howled and turned menacingly as the turkey scuttled away.    
     "As I was saying," he resumed with what dignity he could  
muster under the circumstances, "the point was to fatten him up and
then eat him. I have lived," he said, clearly and distinctly,  
"every waking moment of the past three weeks for the moment when
the bird would die. That time," he said, indicating the hatchet 
Ruby still clutched in her fist, "is now."  
     He turned and stomped back into the kitchen, shouting over his
shoulder, "No corpse, no service."  
     Ruby contemplated her dilemma. She eyed Fred, who eyed her 
back and seemed to dare her to try it. "I got to ask myself, do I
feel lucky?" she mused, aloud. "Well? Do I?"  
     The moosehead looked on and waited. There was something to be
said for the fact that a trophy head generally hung high up on the
wall, and that turkeys cannot fly, he thought.  
     "Okay, okay," Ruby snapped at him. "I'm going."  
                               ***  
     Thanksgiving Day dawned clear and crisp. David whipped up his
famous Down Home Yams* and the repast included smoked turkey, green
bean casserole, yams and ambrosia, with the nana-caramel pie Ruby
had dubbed "Cash-ay," for desert. Ruby's Pearls Truck Stop did a
booming business throughout the day and evening, and its owner and
employees finally sat down together to their own holiday feast in
the waning evening.  
     "I am not pleased," said David.  
     "Yeh, well, not everything goes your way, you know?" said  
Ruby.  
     She lifted an herb-roll from the basket and tossed it over her
shoulder. Fred caught it in his beak and wolfed it down.  
     "Do not feed that bird," David ordered. "I've made  
arrangements for animal control to pick it up tomorrow and remove
it to the zoo where it can live out its days with its kind. I have
already fed it everything it needs until its departure."  
     "Well, it don't act like it's full," said Ruby. "An' it's  
Thanksgiving, after all. Don'cha think since it ain't gonna be a
final meal, it ought to at least have one."  
     "I'm telling you it had one already," said David.  
     "Oh yeah? Well, just what did it have?" Ruby asked.  
     "Ex-Lax," said David.  
     "EX-LAX?" Ruby shrieked. "That ain't nothing to be feedin' no
turkey."  
     "It is if I want to get my car keys back," said David.  
                              -30- 
 
                         *DOWN HOME YAMS 
 
     Peel and chunk five pounds of yams or sweet potatoes into 2
inch cubes. Place them in a sauce pan with one cup of water and 
five, yes, five cups of sugar. Cook on medium heat until fork 
tender. Turn into baking pan and serve as is, or cover with 
marshmallows and broil until golden brown. 
