
COMPUTER TAILS -- Advice and Descent or:

THE LITTLE COMPUTER FAILURE THAT WASN'T, 
and
COMPUTER CAPABLE AND SEDAN SAVVY
  by Kathy Fieler
  
  I was on an impossible deadline yesterday, so, of course, a thunder
storm rolled in and I had to shut off my computer, because, even 
though I sell piles of Pulitzer contenders every month, I still don't 
make enough to afford an uninterrupted power source. I paced the floor 
and briefly considered taking chances, because editors never get rained 
on, so, a deadline is a deadline. But then I spied the roll of light-call
stickers (gummed labels featuring glow-in-the-dark power outage contact
phone numbers) the electric company sent me -- everyone else in town got
a sheet of four but I got a whole roll -- and one thing I can say for 
the power company is that they are consistent about my power being out 
EVERY time there is a storm.

  When the lightning had passed, I flipped the switch on my machine and 
the screen read "Keyboard controller failure," and a bunch of other 
stuff that translated to, "Nanney, nanney, boo, boo! I quit! Signed,
Your Computer -- MWAH HAHAHAHAHA!" I immediately began phoning anyone I
knew who ever owned a computer -- even Atari -- begging for some help
in getting my computer out of its coma. I tried plugging the keyboard in 
again and I kept rebooting hoping the screen would finally flash the
message, "Just kidding! Geeez! Chill out!" but no luck.

  I phoned my local computer store and a salesman confided that either 
my keyboard had dies or the motherboard was shot. He instructed me to 
come to the store in the morning with my checkbook and at least two
major credit cards, and he would get me all set up.

  I began to shake as I entered the early stages of computer withdrawal, 
but then I got a little high as I thought about the prospect that I
might have to buy a new computer. I've been wanting to upgrade to a 486,
but my accountant insists that I make more than I spend and I haven't
paid for my current computer yet.

  By the time my husband arrived home I had the savings book out and all
my arguments lined up, and I told him he needed to plan on going 
computer shopping with me in the morning. He wasn't convinced. Instead
he got a screwdriver and took off the case, making comments about the
effect of giant dust-balls on circuitry and my housekeeping 
deficiencies. He blew out the fuzz wads inside the machine, but nothing 
changed on the screen. Finally, he turned the keyboard over and flipped
a switch on the bottom from XT to AT, and voila. The screen came up
`all systems go' or something to that effect.

  Now I don't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. I was so 
looking forward to a new 486DX with at least fifty megahertz, eight megs
of RAM, and a 200 megabyte hard drive. On the other hand I was able to
meet my deadline. But as I sit here watching my little 286 trudge 
through Windows at the speed of mud, three things have become very clear
to me. I hate my computer, I can't live without it, and the evil machine 
knows items one and two. I'd also like to know how my computer can make 
that laughing noise even though I don't have a sound-blaster card, and
why it never does that when anyone else is in the room.

                            * * *
                            
COMPUTER CAPABLE AND SEDAN SAVVY

  I know as much about what's inside my computer case, as I do about
what's under the hood of my car. I wish it could stay that way, but
experience is showing me I'm going to have to become car keen and
computer competent, because the people who claim to be, *aren't*!

  I had my computer upgraded and my car in for a check-up this month.
I thought they both had clean bills of health, the experts told me they
were sound. But now neither will go.

  The computer won't access the hard drive and the car keeps pouring
liquid onto the driveway. A computer literate friend told me I'd 
corrupted my swap-files -- whatever the heck those are -- when I 
reinstalled *ALL* my software, as I had been instructed to do. Then
my husband removed a very large car-part from under the hood and 
informed me I'd made the car worse by not reporting the problem to him 
sooner. Problem? The car started; it ran; it didn't leave me 
stranded. I thought that was the point.  What *problem*?

  To me, the computer and the car are similar accouterments. I turn 
them on and I go where I want to go, be it to another reality or 
another street. If I have to `look under the hood' I'm annoyed. Until
I let the experts get to them, the computer took me to work and the
car always got me home. What more could I want? How was I supposed to 
reason that an accountant knew more about computers than a dealer did, 
or that an architect was more informed about diesel engines that the 
guy who explained glow-plugs to me?

  The software problem must be serious, because the computer is 
starting to transport me to screens I've never seen before. The 
car-part must have been gravely diseased, because my husband hasn't 
returned it yet, and the experts he took it to are still working on a 
solution. Either that or none of them know what they're doing.

  The only thing I'm certain of is that the car part was essential to 
the `go' mechanism, because my vehicle won't start since the surgery.
I've been browsing the local community college catalog, while I wait 
for my two favorite machines to return to normal. I'm looking for a
heading called "Computer/Car 101," so I can take matters into my own
hands and learn how to take care of my own machines.

Copyright 1994 Kathy Fieler                              
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Kathy is a Jacksonville based freelance writer and publicist. Her works
appeared in FLORIDA TIMES UNION, SUWANNEE DEMOCRAT, CLAY TODAY, NASSAU
COUNTY RECORD, SEE magazines, and others. She is an editor of the THE 
PENCHANT, Public Relations Director for the Florida First Coast Writer's
Festival, and production staff member at STATE STREET REVIEW (a biannual
literary magazine). She's married, has two children, and various pets.
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