
1994 RAH Online Industry Awards
by Dave Bealer

It's late December -- time to start working on the January issue of
RAH, and also time to spend a few seconds cooking up some malarky
that readers will accept as an awards article.  

No doubt about it, 1994 was a big year for the online industry.  Here
are some of the reasons why:

>> Most Successful Use of Smoke & Mirrors <<

  The World Wide Web (WWW)
    - touted by virtually every industry pundit as the greatest
      innovation since sliced silicon, "The Web" has been the
      biggest online news of 1994.  Since late summer organizations
      have been scrambling to get online with a web server.  This
      isn't too surprising, since statistics prove that more people
      are on the net (and using the web) than actually exist on the
      planet at this time.  (Hey, at least when they're "in the web"
      they're not out polluting streams and the air.)

>> Biggest Online Myth <<

  Bandwidth
    - the idea that there is enough bandwidth on the net to support
      ten or twenty million simultaneous SLIP or PPP connections to
      let everyone access all these wonderful new Web servers is the
      biggest load of bull droppings since Clinton said he was a "New
      Democrat" who was going to lower taxes.  The promise that there
      will be enough bandwidth REAL SOON NOW is about as believable as
      Clinton's protestations that he really WILL lower taxes one of
      these years.  Sure, they'll simply use some of the alien
      technology from all those UFOs that have crashed in the
      California desert through the years.  Don't worry, those
      companies that sell web server packages for $30,000 - $60,000
      to unsuspecting companies would never lie about the potential
      market.  Would they?  And for those who think that all the
      pre-existing coax TV cable is the answer, remember ISDN?  That
      was supposed to be the next level of throughput beyond voice
      telephone lines.  The trouble is that the Baby Bells are
      killing ISDN by pricing it out of the market.  The cable
      companies are likely to pull the same stunt unless someone can
      successfully reason with their executives.  Good luck.

>> Most Sensible WWW Server <<

  Welcome to the White House   (http://www.whitehouse.gov)
    - a move asked for by the Secret Service.  It's a lot easier to
      remove bullet holes from a web server screen that from the real
      White House.  Perhaps they should move the White House some
      place safe, like downtown Beirut.

Random Access Humor             Page  4                January 1995

>> Most Important Non-WWW Related Happening Online <<

  There wasn't one this year.

>> Most Important Non-WWW Related Happening Offline <<

  ONE BBSCON - Atlanta, GA.
    - Phil "Isn't that a neat laser?" Becker and Marion "Hey! It was
      John Wayne's real name too!" Rickard did it again.  A five day
      orgy of deal making that culminated in the First Annual Green
      Nerfball Over Banquet Table Challenge.  Nike and Coppertone are
      eyeing sponsorships for the second annual event this year,
      which may take place on the beach at Tarpon Springs, FL.

>> Least Believable Excuse <<

  Hayes Microcomputers Accounting Department
    - who were quoted, when explaining Hayes' mid-November Chapter 11
      bankruptcy filing, as saying, "Oops!  We were using Pentiums to
      run all our accounting software." 

>> Vaporware of the Year <<

  Remote Imaging Protocol V2.0 -- Telegrafix Communications, Inc.
    - the screens looked sharp in Atlanta back in August, JPEG photos
      and all.  But rumor has it that, even if RIP 2.0 does arrive,
      basic drawing functions present in V1.54 may be missing.  If
      the rumors are true, the industry may be better off if RIP 2.0
      remains vaporware.                                        {RAH}     
--------------
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast.  He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as 
he writes and publishes electronically.  Dave can be reached via
email at: dbealer@dreamforge.com
                                                                  
