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  DEAR YBBA
    by Larry Tritten
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  Dear Ybba:
  
    I was a guest at a party on Earth given by several libertines
  (a word whose meaning is one who lives freely) and the celebrants
  inhaled the vapors of buring vegetation and amused themselves by
  doing impressions of a local animal called the beast with two
  backs. Fascinated, I kept sneaking a microscan where the sun 
  doesn't shine. One of the celebrants broke my nozz. Anthropology
  is my avocation. Did I do wrong?
  
  Signed:  DISMAYED
  -----------------
  
  Dear Dismayed:
  
    Consider yourself fortunate. Earth has a history of baffling
  sexual customs. This is a place whose POST-sexual revolution
  cultural environment was such that film and video entertainments
  in which the bodies of females were penetrated by knives were
  popular but those in which they were penetrated by lovers' phalli
  were largely repressed or censored. Only last year a court in the
  state of Maryland prosecuted a couple for using non-bio-degradable
  spelunks. I suspect that your microscan may have been considered
  an invasion of privacy, even at a revel. Next time offer to pay.
  
  
  
  Dear Ybba:
  
    I never thought much about lint but I inadvertently discovered
  that the sentient napery here on (Z)** consider it a gastronomical
  treat somewhat analogous to caviar among humans. They will pay any
  price for prime lint, and a combination plate of chintz, flannel,
  and denim lint is almost priceless. Lint is as scarce here as 
  uranium on Earth. I've always thought of lint as being essentially
  technological dirt, something that, as a byproduct of fabrics,
  didn't exist before civilization. It's incredible to me that I've
  already gotten rich enough to retire just by inverting the pockets
  of my old Cordon Bleu jeans. The thing is, the stuff has a druglike
  effect on these creatures, they get high on it, and the sense of
  euphoria and power it gives them makes them feel like glad rags and
  party dress. Do you think it's ethical to deal lint?
  
  Signed:  MATERIAL GUY
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  Dear Material Guy:
  
    What's ethical and what isn't, is, of course, a matter of
  circumstance. One creature's suit is another creature's Poisson,
  n'est-ce pas? How much can you get me for a used Angora sweater?
  
                                 (DREAM)
                                 
  Copyright 1996 Larry Tritten, All Rights Reserved.
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  Veteran freelance writer Larry Tritten has published more than 700
  pieces in such publications as THE NEW YORKER, VANITY FAIR, PLAYBOY,
  COSMOPOLITAN, SPY, HARPER'S, and THE NATIONAL LAMPOON.
  ===================================================================
  
