
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
  POLITICS: A PRIMER
    by Bob Rhubart
  -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
  
    Less than half of the eligible voters in the U. S. bother
  to exercise their democratic right to choose their elected 
  leaders. This statistic was arrived at by extensive research which 
  involved reading a couple of articles and then remembering the 
  important points, sort-of. Nevertheless, this is a serious problem, 
  especially in an election year, when the various competitors will
  once again enter the ring, grappling to score points while wearing
  skin-tight Spandex outfits. No, wait . . . that's Greco-Roman 
  wrestling, just one of the many exciting events scheduled for the 
  Summer Olympic Games in Atlanta. 
            
    At any rate, far too may people don't vote. Perhaps, if the 
  candidates did wear spandex and wrestle, more people would take an 
  interest in politics, American-style. Wrestling is uncomplicated: 
  one guy flattens another guy. But one suspects that people stay 
  away from the voting booth because they are confused about politics. 
  That, and the fact that there are no candidates named "Hulk." 
            
    Contemporary American politics is a baffling mix of press 
  releases, sound bites, and talk-show opinion-mongering, all 
  carefully crafted to make you think that one candidate is a decent, 
  hard-working, flannel shirt-wearing regular-guy type millionaire, 
  while the other candidate is a scandal-ridden, devil-worshipping, 
  suit-and-tie-wearing millionaire. The participants are specially 
  trained to speak in an authoritative manner while never saying 
  anything that might anger or alienate one voting block or another. 
  Which means they never actually say anything. So the problem 
  confronting the reluctant voter is deciding which party to vote for 
  when you know absolutely nothing about how they will perform once 
  in office. 
    
    There have been many political parties in America's past, 
  such as the Federalist party, the Whig party, and the Matching 
  Shoes and Handbag party. But these never really caught on. What 
  we have now are the two biggies, the Democratic and Republican 
  Parties. There are a few smaller, "third" parties, but when the 
  main plank in your party platform is promising to use federal 
  dollars to construct landing strips for the Galactic Overlords, 
  you're not going to have to worry about whether various members 
  of Fleetwood Mac will have their eating disorders under control 
  in time for your inauguration. 
  
    The Republicans and the Democrats put their respective 
  candidates before the American public to argue the merits of each 
  party's particular game plan. This is where it gets tricky for the 
  voter. Both parties claim to be working to insure the happiness, 
  financial security, and general well-being of the citizens. The 
  difference is in the manner in which each party intends to achieve 
  its promised goals. This is called the party platform -- which is 
  not, by the way, the redwood deck around a pool. 
    
    In deciding on a platform, each party carefully researches the 
  views of the American public. Polls are taken to determine attitudes 
  toward a variety of issues. Campaign strategists then brainstorm to 
  craft a theme that distills the basic philosophy of the party into 
  a single, easily communicated concept, which is generally some 
  variation of, "Vote for us because the other guys suck." 
    
    Often, the candidates will choose to present their respective 
  platforms and qualifications for office in a public forum called 
  a debate. This results in exchanges like the following:
  
  Candidate A: I'm against crime!
  
  Candidate B: Me too!
  
  Candidate A: I was against crime before you!
  
  Candidate B: Oh yeah? Well I'm against wasteful government 
               spending!
  
  Candidate A: Hah! I'm against that and a lot of other bad 
               stuff, too!
  
    Clearly, the choices are tough. But it is the duty of each 
  voter to carefully weigh each party on its merits, and then choose
  which best represents his or her own interests by applying the 
  eeni-meenie-minie-mo method.
    
    So if you were thinking about skipping out on voting again this 
  November -- because you don't believe your vote counts, or you're 
  not sure which party or candidate to vote for -- remember this:
  It's a secret ballot. No one will ever know who you voted for. If 
  the candidate you vote for turns out to be a dork, so what? You 
  can lie and tell people you voted for the other guy. If your 
  candidate ends up being an insightful and wise leader, you can 
  take credit. And if the Galactic Overlords show up, and they're 
  really honked-off because there's no place for them to park, you 
  can tell them it wasn't your fault. 
    
    Of course, they can read minds . . . .
  
                               (DREAM)
    
  Copyright 1996 Bob Rhubart, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
  -------------------------------------------------------------------
  Bob Rhubart, 42, was born in Pensacola, Florida. After being
  kidnapped by aliens, who taught him to speak Spanish and pick 
  fruit, he moved to the western suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio, 
  where he still resides. He has one wife, two daughters, one house, 
  two mortgages, two cars, two dogs, a rabbit, a parakeet, bad eyes, 
  bad knees, a bad back, bad sinuses, and things are going just fine, 
  thank you very much. We hope to see him regularly in DF.
  email: bobrhub@aol.com
  ===================================================================
  
