
A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together with
his closest friends one day, who happened to be  a Priest, a Doctor,
and a Lawyer (or course.)

The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking
about his approaching death.   He told his three friends this, and
asked them to do a favor for him when he died.

"Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of
you.  I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money.  Please,
when I am buried, would each of you throw your  enveloples into the
grave on top of my coffin?"

The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.

Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died.  At his funeral, the Doctor,
the Priest  and the Lawyer threw their  envelopes on his coffin.

As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others, "I have
a confession to make.  The church needed a new altar badly, so I . . .
I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his  feet.

The Doctor said, "Well, since ou've admitted it, I too must confess that
I took the money.  The children's hospital where  I work needed a new,
expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to buy it."

The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a similar
confession.  Instead, he said "Oh, now, I didn't take any of the money.
There was  a check for all $100,000 in the envelope!"

----------------

What's the difference between a dead rattlesnake on the road and a dead
lawyer on the road?
       There are no skid-marks in front of the lawyer.

Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
       From chasing parked ambulances.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
       In the cemetary

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
       A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
       A vampire only sucks blood at night.

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
       Take your foot off his head.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
       Cut the rope.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
       The bucket.

What does a lawyer typically say in a bar?
        "Moo"

What is the best way a lawyer can prolong his life?
        Wrap himself with duct tape.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
        When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
        There was an empty seat.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
        A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
        His lips are moving.

Why are so many experimental labs now using lawyers instead of white rats?
        (1) There are more lawyers than rats,
        (2) The scientists don't become as attached to the lawyers and
        (3) There are some things even a rat won't do.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
        Not enough sand.

------------------

     A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
  "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
   Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
   "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
   Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
       whorehouse."
   The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
     Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney.  How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

----------------

The scene is heaven, with 3 men standing at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter says to the first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones, the engineer.
We've been expecting you. Please follow me."
Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.

"This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens the
door.  Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room.  Water is dripping from the
rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging.  Chained to the center of
the floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog.

Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above,

       "Mr. Jones!  You have sinned!"

Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining 2 men waiting at the
entrance gate.

"And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the second man.
"You are in room 102.  Please follow me."
Once again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water dripping
down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging everywhere, and a
growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor.
As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries,

       "Mr. Smith!  You have sinned!"

Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance
gate.

"And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer.  We have been waiting for you.
You are in room number 103.  Please follow me."
When they get to room #103 Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another dark,
musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the water dripping walls.

But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek.

As the lawyer steps in the room the voice cries out,

       "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"

--------------

This lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found himself
at the gates of Hell.
"Welcome to Hell" announced the Devil greeting him warmly. "Glad you could
join us. As your last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of
three possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity."
There were 3 doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door. Flames shot
into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire.
"No" said the lawyer. "Not this one."
The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands of people
slaving away at a large rockpile. They were all being whipped as they hammered
the large boulders into smaller boulders.
"No" again said the lawyer.

Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of people
 in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them were
 chanting 'Dont make waves, dont make waves...'.
"That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in repulsion.
"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "you should see it when the angels
  spend the weekend here with their motorboats!"

-----------------------

The Pope died and went to heaven.  When he got there, he
found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly
Gates.  Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, "Just a
minute, I'll be right back".  At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer
away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, "Follow me
to your new quarters."  Along the way they passed many
people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to
pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint
Peter through the Pearly Gates.  The Pope was awe-struck
by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters.
There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music,
and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's
new quarters.  The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot y 9
foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for
entertainment.  The Pope said, "I don't want to sound
ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a
magnificent room and I get this small room.

Saint Peter said, "Well, you see, we have a great many
popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer."

-------

Why do Lawyers wear neckties?
       To hold back the foreskin.

How do you save a drowning laywer?
       Throw him a rock.

-------

Person 1:  Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Person 2:  No.
Person 1:  GOOD!

-------

A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer were all caught in a shipwreck.
Naturally, there are a lot of sharks circling around.  All of a sudden,
one shark darts in and grabs the priest for lunch.  No more priest.
The rabbi starts praying frantically, but to no avail, as a shark
comes in and eats him, too.  Now the lawyer is really worried, as
a shark is coming for him.  But, miracle of miracles, the shark puts
him on its back, carries him to shore, and lets him off.  The lawyer,
curious, waits till the shark is far enough away not to eat him, and
asks, "How come you didn't eat me?"  And the shark replies, "Professional
Courtesy!"

-------

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
offerred at this particular brain store.  So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

-------

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run
     those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
     voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

-------

  WASHINGTON 1986/87 ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
  **********************************************************************

  1300.01   GENERAL

   1.  Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
       harvest attorneys.

   2.  Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.  The
       use of currency as bait is prohibited.

   3.  Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited.  If accidentally
       struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest
       car wash.

   4.  It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
       machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

   5.  It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
       Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

   6.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
       dealerships.

   7.  It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
       prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

   8.  It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
       courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
       ambulances, or hospitals.

   9.  If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
       felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

  10.  Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
       inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

  11.  It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
       reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
       victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
       attorneys.

   BAG LIMITS

      1.  Yellow Bellied Sidewinder                     2
      2.  Two-faced Tort Feasor                         1
      3.  Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator               4
      4.  Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)      3
      5.  Big-mouthed Pub Gut                           2
      6.  Honest Attorney                         EXTINCT
      7.  Cut-throat                                    2
      8.  Back-stabbing Whiner                          2
      9.  Brown-nosed Judge Kisser                      2
     10.  Silver-tongued Drug Defender        $100 BOUNTY
     11.  Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian                 7

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother.  On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

--------------

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
cross the Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover.  George says, "I still can't
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground".  So Harry
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
up in the air".  George turns to Harry and says "That man must
be a lawyer".  And Harry says "How can you tell?".  George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless".

That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
Soaked by Lawyer".

----------------

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only
a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 of them."

-----------------

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."

-----------------

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."

-----------------

     For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
     "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
     "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

-----------------

     God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
     When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"

-----------------

     Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?  The old drunk, of course, the
other three are mythological creatures.

-----------------

     A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
     "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
     "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
     "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
     "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

-----------------

        It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green
came over to see him.
        "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
court when you accused me of malpractice."
        "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
        "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
        "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
        "Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
        "What are you talking about?"
        "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
        "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
        "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
        "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
        "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin
headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
        "Why are you reading that to me?"
        "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
        "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
        "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
        "Then get me another doctor."
        "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice."
        "If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
        "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
a kidney stone."
        "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
        "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
        "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
        "I better check you out first."
        "Don't check me out, just give the dope."
        "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't
do it now.  Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
        "What for?"
        "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
        "I'm not going to sue you."
        "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"

-----------------

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
which he retreated for several weeks of the year.  Each summer, the lawyer
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him.  The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.

Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
pick berries for their morning breakfast.  As they went around the berry
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"

-----------------

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial.  It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty.  He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom.  The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty.  The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict.  When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict?  Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

-------------------

The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

----------------

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

----------------

Another: lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
and steals a roast.  Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

----------------

     A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone.  After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
would like on it.
     "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
     "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter.  "In this
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
     "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
     "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter.  "people will read it
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"

----------------

Between grand theft and a legal fee,
        there only stands a law degree.

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