
          BECOME AN EXPERT
  To become a computer expert, you need a computer, literature, 
and friends.

      A computer to practice on
  If possible, buy an IBM PC or clone. If you can't afford a full 
system, start by practicing DOS and BASIC on a one-floppy IBM PC 
clone with 256K of RAM and a monochrome monitor. Mail-order 
discount dealers sell that combination for about $200. So do many 
folks selling used computers. By saving your money, you can later 
add more RAM, a second disk drive, printer, and applications 
software.
  To pay even less, ask your computer friends whether they want 
to get rid of any ``used junky obsolete computers'' for under 
$50, or ask them whether they can lend you a computer for a 
weekend. Swap: if they lend you an Apple for a weekend, bake them 
an apple pie.
  Another way to save money is to join your friends for a group 
purchase. For example, if 9 of you each chip in $10, you can buy 
a $90 computer. Divide the 9 of you into 3 trios, and rotate the 
computer from trio to trio every day, so that you get to use the 
computer every third day.

         Literature to read
  Begin by reading The Secret Guide to Computers. Then read the 
manuals that came with your computer.
  Find out what's new by subscribing to computer magazines or 
reading them in your town's library.
  You can get computer books and magazines from the bookstore at 
your local college. You can also try your local branch of 
Waldenbooks or B. Dalton Booksellers, which are nationwide 
chains. A cheerier chain is Borders, whose salespeople are more 
knowledgeable. If you live near Denver, visit Tattered Cover, 
which is America's largest independent bookstore (303-322-7727).
  To pay less, shop at discount chains such as Staples (which has 
a 20% discount on the few books it stocks) and Comp USA (which 
has big discounts on magazines and a 20% discount on all books). 
You can also get discounts of 10% to 31% from mail-order 
computer-book dealers such as Business & Computer Bookstore 
(Willow Grove PA, 215-657-8300, out-of-state 800-233-0233). If 
you live near Boston, go to Harvard Square in Cambridge to visit 
Barillari Books (20% discount on most books, 617-864-2400) and 
Words Worth (10% discount on all paperbacks, 617-354-5201).
  The following big stores specialize in computer & technical 
books, and most are willing to ship all over the world. They 
usually charge full price:
Opamp Bookstore (Los Angeles, 213-464-4322)
Computer Literacy Bookshops (San Jose CA, 408-592-5775)
Stacey's Bookstore (San Francisco 415-421-4687, Palo Alto CA 
415-326-0681)
Computer Book Works (New York City, 212-385-1616)
McGraw-Hill Bookstore (New York City, 212-997-1221)
Quantum Books (Cambridge MA, 617-494-5042)
Calgary Computer Books (Calgary Alberta Canada, 403-270-0952)
  Since The Secret Guide to Computers is an underground book, you 
won't find it in stores that are ``overground''. To
find out which nifty bookstores, computer stores, and consultants 
near you carry the Secret Guide, phone me at 617-666-2666, and 
I'll look up your ZIP code in my computer.

                                               Friends to chat with
                                         When you have a computer 
question, phone me at 617-666-2666. Another way to get help is to 
join a computer club.
                                         The biggest and best 
computer club is the Boston Computer Society (BCS), which has 
about 25,000 members, holds over 1,000 meetings per year, 
publishes dozens of magazines and newsletters, and has hundreds 
of volunteers who give free phone help on technical topics. 
Regular membership costs $40; members outside New England pay 
just $34; full-time students pay just $28. For free literature 
about membership, phone 617-290-5700.
                                         If you live near New 
York, use a touch-tone phone to call New York Personal Computer 
(NY PC) at 212-LED-NYPC. You'll be talking to a computer using 
voice mail. The voices will guide you through verbal menus; 
you'll have lots of fun! The voices will also invite you to 
become a member for $35 per year and call Hy Bender at 
212-829-5534 for more details.
                                         If you live near 
Philadelphia, call the Philadelphia Area Computer Society (PACS) 
at 215-951-1255, 8AM-4PM weekdays. Membership costs $27 per year.
                                         The biggest and best 
club for Macintosh computers is the Berkeley Macintosh User Group 
(BMUG). It's based in Berkeley, California; but it's so good that 
it attracts members from all over the world. Join! Twice a year, 
you'll get a ``newsletter'' that's 400 pages long! Any day you 
have a question about Macs, you can get free technical help from 
the BMUG staff and volunteers, who answer their phones daily from 
9:30AM to 5:30PM. Membership costs $25 for a half-year, $40 for a 
full year. To join, phone 510-549-2684 or 800-776-BMUG. Once 
you're a member, you can buy two huge BMUG books for $15 each:
``The BMUG Guide to Bulletin Boards and Beyond''
an excellent tutorial in how to use Mac communications software, 
541 pages

``The BMUG Shareware Disk Catalog''
lists all the shareware you can buy from BMUG, 686 pages
                                         Many other computer 
clubs have sprung up, all over the country! For example, in 
Connecticut try the Connecticut Computer Society at 203-233-4141. 
Ask your local computer store or high-school computer department 
about computer clubs in your home town; if there aren't any, 
start one yourself!
                                         Americans living in 
Tokyo have started the Tokyo PC Users Group. Their newletter, 
written in English, is top-notch! If you're in Japan, phone (03) 
3576-9783 (for a recorded message about membership) or write to 
Tokyo PC Club, Shibuya Post Restante, Shibuya, Tokyo 150 Japan.
                                         If you take a computer 
course, get personal help by chatting with your teacher and 
classmates. To save money, sign up for the cheap courses given by 
your high school's ``adult education'' evening program and your 
local community college.
                                         I occasionally travel 
around the world and give courses inexpensively or for free. 
Heads of the computer industry got their training from my 
courses. To join us, use the coupon on the back page.

         LAND A COMPUTER JOB
  To become a lawyer, you must graduate from law school and pass 
the Bar Exam. But to become a computer expert, there's no 
particular program you must graduate from, no particular exam to 
pass, and no particular piece of paper that ``proves'' you're an 
expert or even competent.
  You can get a job in the computer industry even if you've never 
had any training. Your job will be sweeping the floor.
  To become a top computer expert, you must study hard, day and 
night. Read lots of computer manuals, textbooks, guidebooks, 
magazines, newspapers, and newsletters. Practice using many kinds 
of computers, operating systems, languages, word-processing 
programs, spreadsheets, database systems, graphics packages, and 
telecommunications programs. Also explore the many educational 
programs for kids. Use many kinds of printers, disk drives, and 
modems. Study the human problems of dealing with computers. No 
matter how much you already know, learn more!
  When I surveyed computer experts, I found that the average 
expert still spends two hours per day reading about computers, to 
fill holes in the expert's background and learn what happened in 
the computer industry that day! In addition to those two hours, 
the expert spends many more hours practicing what was read and 
swapping ideas by chatting with other computerists.
  As a computer expert, you can choose your own hours, but they 
must be numerous: if your interest in computers lasts just from 9 
AM to 5 PM, you'll never become a computer expert.
  To break into the computer field, you can use six tools: 
college, home consulting, home programming, salesmanship, job 
expansion, and on-the-job training.

               College
  The most traditional way to get a computer job is to go to 
college and get a Ph.D. or M.A. in computer science. 
Unfortunately, that takes a lot of time.

           Home consulting
  The fastest way to break into the field is to keep your current 
job but spend your weekends and evenings helping your neighbors, 
friends, and colleagues learn about computers. Help them buy 
hardware and software. Then customize the software to meet their 
own personal needs. Then train them in how to use it all. Lots of 
folks want training in how to use DOS, Word Perfect, and other 
popular software.
  At first, do it all for free. After you've become an 
experienced expert and developed a list of happy clients who will 
vouch for your brilliance, start requesting money from new 
clients. Start cheaply, at about $10 per hour, then gradually 
raise your rates over the next few years. Most computer 
consultants charge about $50 per hour, and some charge much more 
than that; but I suggest that you be gentler on your clients' 
pocketbooks! By charging little, you'll get more clients, they'll 
rack up more hours with you, and you won't need to spend lots of 
time and money on ``advertising''. For example, at $20 per hour 
you'll be very popular!
                                                 Home programming
                                         You can write computer 
programs at home to sell to friends and software publishers, but 
make sure your programs serve a real need and don't duplicate 
what's already on the market. Be creative!

                                                   Salesmanship
                                         For a quicker career 
path, learn enough about microcomputers to get a job selling them 
in a store. As a salesperson, you'll be helping people decide 
which hardware and software to buy; you'll be acting as a 
consultant.
                                         The store will probably 
give you permission to take hardware, software, and literature 
home with you, so you can study and practice new computer 
techniques every evening and become brilliant. If you wish, you 
can even moonlight by helping your customers use the software 
they bought and designing your own customized programs for them.
                                         After working in the 
store several months, you'll have the knowledge, experience, 
contacts, and reputation to establish yourself as an independent 
consultant. You can call your former customers and become their 
advisor, trainer, and programmer ___ or even set up your own 
store.

                                                   Job expansion
                                         Another way to break 
into the field is to take a non-computer job and gradually 
enlarge its responsibilities, so that it involves computers.
                                         For example, if you're a 
typist, urge your boss to let you use a word processor. If you're 
a clerk, ask permission to use spreadsheet and data-management 
programs to manage your work more efficiently. If you're a math 
teacher, ask the principal to let you teach a computer course or 
help run the school's computer club.
                                         Keep your current job, 
but expand it to include new skills so you gradually become a 
computer expert.

                                                On-the-job training
                                         The final way to break 
into the field is to get a job in a computer company, as a 
janitor or clerk, and gradually move up by using the company's 
policy of free training for employees.

                                                     Phone me
                                         Many companies phone me 
when they're looking for computer experts. If you think you're an 
expert and can demonstrate your expertise, I'll be glad to pass 
your name along to employers.
                                         Occasionally, I even 
have job openings here at The Secret Guide to Computers. Feel 
free to ask. Although some of the jobs here are mundane, a nice 
fringe benefit is that you get to play with my 40 computers and 
oodles of software packages and take them home with you. You can 
also choose your own hours: work whenever you please! After you 
work here a few months and do your job well, I'll gladly give you 
an excellent reference that will help you get an even nicer job 
elsewhere.

           SET YOUR RATES
  If somebody's interested in hiring you to be a programmer or 
consultant, you must decide what rate to charge.
  If this is your first such job, be humble and charge very 
little because your first job's main goal should not be money. 
Instead, your goal should be to gain experience, enhance your 
reputation, and find somebody you can use as a reference and 
who'll give you a good recommendation. Convince your first 
employer that you're the best bargain he ever got, so that he'll 
be wildly enthusiastic about you and give you a totally glowing 
recommendation when you go seek your second job.
  If you can't find anyone willing to pay you, work for free, 
just so that you can put on your resum that you ``helped 
computerize a company''. After such an experience, you should 
easily find a second job that pays better.
  Although your first computer job might pay little or nothing at 
all, it gets your foot in the computer industry's door. After 
your first job, your salary will rise rapidly because the most 
valuable attribute you can have in this field is experience.
  Since experienced experts are in short supply, they get 
astronomical salaries. On the other hand, there's a surplus of 
``kids fresh out of college'' who know nothing. So consider your 
first job to be an extremely valuable way to gain experience, 
even if the initial salary is low. When applying for your first 
job, remember that you're still unproven, and be thankful that 
your first employer is willing to take a risk on you.

         Asking for a raise
  After several months on the job, when you've thoroughly proved 
that you're worth much more than you're being paid, and your 
employer is thoroughly thrilled with your performance, gently ask 
your employer for a slight raise. If he declines, continue 
working at that job, but also keep your eyes open for a better 
alternative.

       Negotiating a contract
  The fundamental rule of contract negotiation is: never make a 
large commitment.
  For example, suppose somebody offers to pay you $10,000 if you 
write a fancy program. Don't accept the offer; the commitment is 
too large. Instead, request $1,000 for writing a stripped-down 
version of the program.
  After writing the stripped-down version, wait and see whether 
you get the $1,000; if you get it without any hassles, then agree 
to make the version slightly fancier, for a few thousand dollars 
more. That way, if you have an argument with your employer (which 
is common), you've lost only $1,000 of effort instead of $10,000.
                                                Contract headaches
                                         Arguments between 
programmers and employers are common, for six reasons. . . . 
                                         1. As a programmer, 
you'll probably make the mistake of underestimating the time for 
debugging the program, because you'll tend to be too optimistic 
about your own abilities.
                                         2. Your employer won't 
be precise enough when he tells you what kind of program to 
write. You'll write a program that you think satisfies the 
employer's request and then discover that the employer really 
wanted something slightly different.
                                         3. Your employer will 
forget to tell you about the various ``strange cases'' that the 
company must handle. They'll require extra ``IF'' statements in 
your program.
                                         4. When the employer 
finally sees your program working, he'll suddenly think of extra 
things he'd like the program to do, and which will require extra 
programming effort from you.
                                         5. When the program 
finally does everything that the employer expects, he'll want you 
to teach his staff how to use the program and the computer. If 
his staff has never dealt with computers before, the training 
period could be quite lengthy. He'll also want you to write a 
manual about the program, and to put the manual into the 
company's library.
                                         6. After the company 
begins using the program, the employer will want you to make 
additional changes, and might even expect you to make them at no 
charge.
                                         To minimize those six 
kinds of conflicts, be honest and kind to your employer. Explain 
to him that you're worried about those six kinds of conflicts, 
and that you'd like to chat about them now, before either you or 
he makes any commitments. Then make a small commitment for a 
small payment for a short time, and make sure that both you and 
the employer are happy with the way that small commitment worked 
out before attempting any larger commitments.

         DEVELOP YOUR CAREER
  Here are further tricks for developing your career.

             Programmer
  A programmer is a teacher: the programmer teaches the computer 
new tricks. For example, the programmer might teach the computer 
how to do the payroll. To do that, the programmer feeds the 
computer a list of instructions, that explain to the computer how 
to do the payroll. The list of instructions is called a program.
  Languages The program is written by using the very limited 
vocabulary that the computer understands already. Earlier in The 
Secret Guide to Computers, I explained a vocabulary called BASIC, 
which consists of words such as PRINT, INPUT, GO TO, IF, THEN, 
and STOP. That vocabulary ___ BASIC ___ is called a computer 
language. It's a small part of English. No computer understands 
the whole English language. The programmer's job is to translate 
an English sentence (such as ``do the payroll'') into language 
the computer understands (such as BASIC). So the programmer is a 
translator.
  Some computers understand BASIC. Other computers understand a 
different vocabulary, called COBOL. For example, COBOL uses the 
words DISPLAY and WRITE instead of PRINT.
  Before programming a computer, you must find out which language 
the computer understands. Does it understand BASIC? Or does it 
understand COBOL instead? Or does it understand a yet different 
language? The most popular languages are BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, 
and PASCAL; but there are also thousands of others. Your computer 
understands at least one of those languages; if you're lucky, 
your computer understands several of those languages.
  When you apply for a programming job, the first question to ask 
the interviewer is: which languages does the company's computer 
understand? Or better yet, ask, ``Which language do you want me 
to program in?'' The interviewer will say ``BASIC'' or ``COBOL'' 
or some similar answer and then ask you, ``Do you know that 
language?''
  Most microcomputers use BASIC, DBASE, or C. Most minicomputers 
use BASIC, FORTRAN, COBOL, or C. Most maxicomputers use FORTRAN 
or COBOL. For all three sizes, PASCAL is another alternative.
  Of those popular languages, BASIC is the easiest and the most 
fun. To become a programmer, begin by studying BASIC, then move 
on to the other languages, which are yukkier.
  Since BASIC's so easy, saying you know BASIC is less 
prestigious than saying you know languages such as C. To get lots 
of prestige, learn many languages. To convince the interviewer 
you're brilliant, say that you know many languages well even if 
the job you're applying for needs just one language.
  The most prestigious languages to know are assembly and machine 
languages, because they're the hardest. If you can convince the 
interviewer that you know assembly and machine languages, the 
interviewer will assume you're God and offer you a very high 
salary, even if the job doesn't require a knowledge of those 
languages.
                                         Specific computers 
Before going to the interview, learn about the specific computer 
the company uses. For example, if the company's computer is an 
IBM maxicomputer, study the IBM maxi's details. Study its 
operating system and its languages. If the job requires COBOL, 
study the particular dialect of COBOL used on the IBM maxi. Each 
computer has its own dialect of COBOL, its own dialect of BASIC, 
etc. Usually, the differences between dialects are small, but you 
must know them. For assembly and machine languages, the 
differences between dialects are much greater: the assembly 
language on an IBM PC is almost entirely different from the 
assembly language on an IBM maxi.
                                         Analysis versus coding 
The act of programming consists of two stages. In the first 
stage, analyze the problem to make it more specific. For example, 
suppose the problem is, ``Program the computer to do the 
payroll''. The first stage is to decide exactly how the company 
wants the payroll to be done. Should it be done weekly, 
bi-weekly, semi-monthly, or monthly? While computing the payroll 
checks, what other reports do you want the computer to generate? 
For example, do you want the computer to also print a report 
about the employees' attendance, and about how much money each 
department of the company is spending on salaries? Maybe one of 
the departments is over-budgeting. And what kind of paychecks do 
you want the computer to refuse to print? For example, if 
somebody in the company tries to make the computer print a 
paycheck for a ridiculous amount (such as $1,000,000 or ), you 
want the computer to refuse (and perhaps signal an alarm).
                                         That stage ___ analyzing 
a vague problem (such as ``do the payroll'') to make it more 
specific ___ is called analysis. A person who analyzes is called 
an analyst or, more prestigiously, a systems analyst. After 
analyzing the vague problem and transforming it into a series of 
smaller, more specific tasks, the analyst turns the problem over 
to a team of coders. Each coder takes one of the tasks and 
translates it into BASIC or COBOL or some other language.
                                         If you're hired to be a 
``programmer'', your first assignment will probably be as a 
coder. After you gain experience, you'll be promoted to a systems 
analyst.
                                         The ideal systems 
analyst knows how to analyze a problem but also has prior 
experience as a coder. A systems analyst who knows how to both 
code and analyze is called a programmer/analyst. An analyst who 
doesn't know how to code ___ who doesn't know BASIC or COBOL ___ 
who merely knows how to break a big problem into a series of 
little ones ___ is paid less.
                                         Three kinds of 
programming Programming falls into three categories: development, 
testing, and maintenance. Development means inventing a new 
program. Testing means making sure the program works. Maintenance 
means making minor improvements to programs that were written 
long ago. (The ``improvements'' consist of eliminating errors 
that were discovered recently, or making the program conform to 
changed government regulations, or adding extra features so that 
the program produces extra reports or handles extra-special 
cases.) Development is more exciting than testing, which is more 
exciting than maintenance. So if you're a new programmer, the 
other programmers will probably ``stick you'' in the maintenance 
department, where you'll be part of the maintenance crew. Since 
your job will consist of ``cleaning up'' old programs, cruel 
programmers will call you a ``computer janitor''.
  ``Application program'' versus a ``system program'' Programs 
fall into two categories. The usual kinds of program is called an 
application program; it handles a specific application (such as 
``payroll'' or ``chess'' or ``send rocket to moon''). The other 
kind of program is called a system program; its only purpose is 
to help programmers write applications programs.
  For example, hidden inside the computer is a program that makes 
the computer understand BASIC; that program explains to the 
computer what the words PRINT, INPUT, GO TO, IF, THEN, and STOP 
mean. That program (which is called the BASIC language processor) 
is an example of a system program.
  Another system program is called the operating system. It tells 
the computer how to control the disks and printer and terminals. 
If the operating system is fancy, it even tells the computer how 
to handle many programmers at once.
  Another system program, found on large computers, is the 
editor. It lets you edit programs written in languages such as 
COBOL and FORTRAN.
  So system programs are tools, which help programmers write 
application programs. When you buy a computer, buy some system 
programs so you can create applications programs easily.
  A person who invents system programs is called a systems 
programmer. To become a systems programmer, learn assembly 
language and machine language.
  Creating a system program is very difficult; so a systems 
programmer usually gets paid more than an applications 
programmer.
  The word ``systems'' is prestigious: it's used in the phrase 
``systems analyst'' and in ``systems programmer''. In some 
companies, if your boss wants to praise you, the boss will put 
the word ``systems'' in front of your title even if your job has 
nothing to do with ``systems''.
  How to learn programming To be a good programmer, you need 
experience. You can't become a good programmer by just reading 
books and listening to lectures; you must get your hands on a 
computer and practice.
  If you take a computer course, the books and lectures are much 
less valuable than the experience of using the school's computer. 
Spend lots of time in the computer center. Think of the course as 
just an excuse to get permission to use the school's computer. 
The quality of the lecture is less important than the quality of 
the school's computer center. The ideal computer center uses 
video terminals instead of punched cards; has a computer that can 
understand many languages; gives you unlimited use of the 
computer (no ``extra charges''); is open 24 hours a day; has 
enough terminals so you don't have to wait in line for somebody 
else to finish; has a staff of ``teaching assistants'' who will 
answer your questions; has a rack full of easy-to-read manuals 
that explain how to use the computer; lets you borrow books and 
manuals, to take home with you; and has several kinds of 
computers, so that you get a broad range of experience. Before 
you enroll in a computer course, find out whether the school's 
computer center has those features.
  Many computer schools are unnecessarily expensive. To save 
money, take fewer courses, and buy more books and magazines 
instead. Better yet, buy a computer yourself and keep it in your 
home! You can buy a used IBM XT clone for under $300, or a more 
primitive computer (such as a Radio Shack Color Computer) for 
under $100. Keep the computer a few months, practice writing 
BASIC programs on it and using some applications, then sell it to 
a friend for $70 less than you
paid ___ so that using it cost you just $70 and gave you several 
months of education. That's a much better investment of your 
money than spending many hundreds of dollars on a computer 
course.
                                         Another cheap way to get 
an education is to phone your town's board of education, and ask 
whether the town offers any adult-education courses in computers. 
Some towns offer adult-education computer courses for under $100.
                                         For an even better deal, 
phone your town's board of education ___ or high school ___ and 
ask whether you can sit in the back of a high-school computer 
class. If you're an adult resident of the town, you might be able 
to sit in the back of the class for free. Your only ``expense'' 
will be the embarrassment of sitting in the same room as 
youngsters. After a day or two of feeling strange, you'll get 
used to it, and you'll get an excellent free education.
                                         Community colleges offer 
low-cost courses that are decent. Explore the community colleges 
before sinking money into more expensive institutions that are 
over-priced.
                                         Starting salary For your 
first programming job, your salary will be somewhere between 
$18,000 and $25,000. The exact amount depends on which languages 
you know, how many programs you wrote previously, whether you 
have a college degree, whether you've had experience on the 
particular kind of computer the company uses, and whether you 
know the application area. (For example, if you're a programmer 
for an insurance company, it's helpful to know something about 
insurance.)
                                         Degrees A college degree 
ain't needed, but wow can it make you look smart! Try to get a 
degree in ``computer science'' or ``management information 
systems''.
                                         ``Computer science'' 
emphasizes the underlying theory, systems programming, assembly 
language, PASCAL, FORTRAN, C, and applications to science. 
``Management information systems'' emphasizes BASIC, COBOL, 
DBASE, and applications to business.
                                         A major in 
``mathematics'' that emphasizes computers is also acceptable.
                                         Discrimination If you're 
a woman or non-white or physically handicapped, you'll be pleased 
to know that the computer industry discriminates less than in 
other occupations. In fact, being a woman or non-white or 
physically handicapped works to your advantage, since many 
companies have affirmative-action programs.
                                         On the other hand, 
discrimination does exist against older people. If you're over 40 
and trying to get a job as an entry-level programmer, you'll have 
a tough time since the stereotypical programmer is ``young, 
bright, and a fast thinker''. If you're old, they'll assume 
you're ``slow and sluggish''.
                                         Because of that unfair 
discrimination, if you're old you should probably try entering 
the computer industry through a different door: as a consultant, 
or a computer salesperson, or a computer-center manager, or a 
computer teacher. For those positions, your age works to your 
advantage, since those jobs require wisdom, and people will 
assume that since you're old, you're wise.
                                         Shifting careers If 
you're older, the best way to enter the computer field is to 
combine your new knowledge of computers with what you knew 
previously. If you already knew a lot about how to sell 
merchandise, get a job selling computers. If you already knew a 
lot about teaching, get a job teaching about computers ___ or 
helping teachers deal with computers. If you already knew a lot 
about real estate,
computerize your real estate office.
  In other words, do not try to ``hop'' careers; instead, 
gradually shift your responsibilities so that they deal more with 
computers.
  To get into the computer field safely, keep your current job 
but computerize it. For example, if you're already a math 
teacher, keep teaching math but convince your school to also let 
you teach a computer course, or at least incorporate computers 
into the math curriculum or help run the school's computer 
center. If you already work for a big company and your job bores 
you, try to transfer to a department that puts you in closer 
contact with the computer. After a year in such a transitional 
state, you can break into the computer field more easily since 
you can put the word ``computer'' somewhere on your resum as 
``job experience''.
  If you're a college kid, write programs that help the 
professors, or help others during your summer vacations. Agree to 
write the programs for little or no pay. Your goal is not money: 
your goal is to put ``experienced programmer'' on your resum.
  Interviews When applying for your first computer job, try to 
avoid the ``personnel'' office. The bureaucrats in that office 
will look at your resum, see it includes too little experience, 
and trash it.
  Instead, play the who-you-know game. Contact somebody who 
actually works with computers. Convince that person you're 
brighter than your resum indicates. Prove you've learned so much 
(from reading, courses, and practice) that you can quickly 
conquer any task laid before you. If you impress that person 
enough, you might get the job even though your paper 
qualifications look too brief.
  When you get an interview, be assertive. Ask the interviewer 
more questions than the interviewer asks you. Ask the interviewer 
about the company's computer, and about why the company doesn't 
have a different one instead. Ask the interviewer how the other 
people in the company feel about the computer center. Ask the 
same kinds of questions a data-processing manager would ask. That 
way, the interviewer will assume you have the potential to become 
a data-processing manager, and will hire you immediately. You'll 
also be showing you care enough about the company to ask 
questions. And you'll be showing you have a vibrant personality, 
and are not just ``another vegetable who came through the door''.
  One of the strange things about applying for a programming job 
is that the interviewer will not ask to see a sample of your 
work. The interviewer doesn't have time to read your program. 
Even if the interviewer did have time to read your program, he 
couldn't be sure you wrote it yourself. Instead, the interviewer 
will just chat with you about your accomplishments. You must 
``talk smart''. The best way is to know all the buzzwords of the 
computer industry ___ even if they don't really help you write 
programs.
  During the interview, you'll probably be asked whether you know 
``structured programming''. A structured program is a program 
that's well-organized. It consists of a short main routine and 
many subroutines. To write a structured program, avoid the words 
GO TO; instead, use words that involve subroutines:
LANGUAGE  Words that involve subroutines
BASIC     GOSUB and RETURN
FORTRAN   CALL, SUBROUTINE, and RETURN
PASCAL    PROCEDURE
COBOL     PERFORM

                                         Later joys In your first 
job, your salary will be low, but don't worry about it. During 
your first job, you'll receive lots of training: you're getting a 
free education. After your training period is over, your salary 
will rise rapidly ___ especially if you do extra studying during 
evenings and weekends. Your real job is: to become brilliant.
                                         After you've become 
brilliant and experienced, other companies will eagerly want to 
hire you. Your best strategy is to leave your current company and 
work elsewhere to gain new experiences. Whenever you feel you're 
``coasting'', and not learning anything new, it's time to move to 
a different job. The ``different job'' can be in a new company 
___ or in a different department of the same company.
                                         By moving around ___ by 
gaining a wide variety of experiences ___ you can eventually 
become a qualified, wise consultant. And you'll feel like God.
                                         Social contacts Being a 
programmer is not always glamorous. You'll spend many long hours 
staring at your screen and wondering why your program doesn't 
work. The job is intellectual, not social. But after you've 
become an expert coder, you get into ``systems analysis'' and 
``consulting'' and ``teaching'' and ``management'', and interact 
with people more.
                                         Software publishing To 
be a programmer, you do not have to work for a large company. 
Instead, you can sit home, write programs on your personal 
microcomputer, and sell them to software publishers, for a 
royalty. If the software publisher sells many copies of your 
program, you become rich. (On the other hand, if your program is 
not a ``smash hit'', you remain poor.)
                                         Since your program might 
not become popular, do not rely on software publishing as a 
steady source of income. Instead, view it as a part-time activity 
which, if successful, will put some extra money in your pocket.
                                         The most famous software 
publishers are Microsoft, Lotus, Word Perfect, Ashton-Tate, 
Borland, Software Publishing Corporation, Symantec, and 
Electronic Arts. There are many others. Browse through the ads in 
microcomputer magazines.
                                         Software houses A 
company whose only goal is to produce software is called a 
software house. Software houses dealing with large computers 
typically hire full-time programmers and pay them fixed salaries. 
Software houses dealing with microcomputers sometimes pay 
royalties instead.

                                                    Management
                                         Programming is fun for 
young kids. But as you get older, you'll tire of machines and 
want to deal with people instead. As you approach retirement, 
you'll want to help the younger generation relate to the 
computers you've mastered.
                                         To be a successful 
manager, you need three skills: you must be technically 
competent; you must be wise; and you must know how to handle 
people.
                                         You should know how to 
program. Know the strengths and weaknesses of each computer 
company, and be able to compare their products. Develop a 
philosophy about what makes a ``good'' computer center. 
Understand people's motives and channel them into constructive 
avenues.
                                         Keep up to date. Read 
the latest books and periodicals about computers. Chat with other 
computer experts by phone and at conventions. If you live in New 
England and care about microcomputers, join the Boston Computer 
Society (101 First Ave., Suite 2, Waltham MA 02154, 
617-290-5700).
  When trying to run a computer center, you can easily make 
mistakes. For example, many computer centers put four-foot-high 
partitions between their programmers, to give the programmers 
``privacy''; unfortunately, the partitions are 
counter-productive: they're too low to block noise, and too high 
to permit helpful conversation with your neighbor.
  When putting a computer center into a school, you must develop 
a cadre of hot-shot students who are bright, friendly, and 
outgoing, and who will help and encourage the other students to 
use the computer. If the hot-shots are not outgoing ___ if they 
become an elitist, snobbish club ___ the rest of the school will 
avoid the computer.
  If you've hired ``programming assistants'' who help the 
programmers, don't let the programming assistants hide in an 
office or behind a desk. The programming assistants should walk 
up to the programmers at the computer keyboards and offer help.
  In too many organizations, terminals are locked in the offices 
of prestigious people and aren't used. Let everybody share the 
terminals.
  Too often, managers judge their own worth by the size of the 
computer center's budget: the bigger the budget, the more 
prestigious the manager. Remember that the sign of being a good 
manager is not having a big budget; the sign of a good manager is 
the ability to meet the company's needs on a small budget.
  In computer jargon, a word is how many bits the CPU can handle 
simultaneously. For most microcomputers, a word is 8 bits (i.e., 
the CPU can handle 8 bits simultaneously); for most 
minicomputers, a word is 16 bits; for most maxicomputers, a word 
is 32 bits. A CPU having a big word is prestigious, but might not 
be cost-effective.
  Too often, the head of the computer center decides who can use 
the computer. So the head of the computer center becomes powerful 
___ and evil. To avoid concentrating so much power in the hands 
of one bureaucrat, use distributed processing: get several small 
computers instead of one big monster, and give each department 
its own small computer.
  If you're a ``microcomputer consultant'' and honest, you'll 
tell your client to buy low-cost popular programs, instead of 
telling him to pay you to invent ``customized'' programs.
                                                 Sales
                             You can find three kinds of 
salesmen.
                             The ``slick'' kind knows ``how to 
sell'', but doesn't know any technical details about the computer 
he's selling. He doesn't know how to program, and doesn't know 
much about the computers sold by his competitors. All he knows is 
the ``line'' that his boss told him to give the customers. That 
kind of salesman usually resorts to off-color tactics, such as 
claiming that all computers sold by competitors are ``toys''.
                             The opposite kind of salesman is 
technical: he knows every detail about every computer 
manufactured, but can't give you any practical advice about which 
computer best meets your needs.
                             The best kind of salesman is a 
consultant. He asks a lot of questions about your particular 
needs, tells you which of his computers meets your needs best, 
and even tells you the limitations of his computer and why 
another, more expensive computer sold by a competitor might be 
better. He's an ``honest Joe''. He clinches the sale because you 
trust him, and because you know you won't have any unpleasant 
surprises after the sale. While selling you a computer, he 
teaches you a lot. He's a true friend.
                             A woman can sell computers more 
easily than a man. That's because most computer customers are 
men, and men are more attracted to women. It's also because, in 
our society, women are more ``trusted'' than men. But if you're a 
woman, say some technical buzzwords to convince the customer that 
you're technically competent. Otherwise, the customer will assume 
that since you're a woman, you must be a ``dumb secretary''.

                                          Be an entrepreneur
                             How about starting a rental service, 
where people can rent microcomputers? How about starting a camp, 
where kids can spend the summer playing with computers? How about 
starting a computer set-up service, where you teach businesses 
how to start using microcomputers? How about writing easy manuals 
explaining the most popular software? Each of those ideas has 
been tried successfully; join the fun!

                                            Learn to spell
                             If you don't spel gud, yur coleegs 
wil thinc yure an idiut.
                             Be especially careful with these 
words, which beginners often misspell:
Wrong                              Right     Comments
COBAL                              COBOL     ``COBOL'' means 
``COmmon Business-Oriented Language''.
                                             ``COBAL'' is a co-ed 
who likes sex.

computor                           computer  ``Computer'' is a 
machine or person that computes.
                                             ``Computor'' is a 
snobbish computer.

Dartmouth U.                       Dartmouth College``Dartmouth 
College'' is where BASIC was invented.
                                             ``Dartmouth U.'' 
exists only in utopia.

Epsom                              Epson     ``Epson'' provides 
printers.
                                             ``Epsom'' provides 
salt.

hexidecimal                        hexadecimal``Hexadecimal'' 
means ``six and ten'', or ``sixteen''.
                                             ``Hexidecimal'' is 
icky.

hobbiest                           hobbyist  A ``computer 
hobbyist'' likes computers.
                                             A ``computer 
hobbiest'' is even more hobbier.

imput                              input     ``Input'' is what 
the computer takes ``in''.
                                             ``Imput'' is said 
only by ``im''beciles.

silicone                           silicon   ``Silicon'' is what 
you put in an integrated circuit.
                                             ``Silicone'' is what 
you put in your breast.

softwear                           software  ``Software'' is the 
opposite of ``hardware''.
                                             ``Softwear'' is a 
neglige.

TRS-232                            RS-232    ``RS-232'' means 
``Recommended Standard #232''.
                                             ``TRS-232'' means 
you worship Tandy's Radio Shack.

TSR-80                             TRS-80    ``TRS-80'' stands 
for ``Tandy's Radio Shack''.
                                             ``TSR-80'' is a nut 
who says the alphabet backwards.
                             For the following words, choose your 
favorite spelling. . . . 
Most computer experts write ``disk'', but some write ``disc''.
For ``half a byte'', humble programmers write ``nibble'', but 
snobbish programmers write ``nybble''.


        COMPUTERIZE YOUR HOME
  Back in 1970, computerists tried to predict what life would be 
like in 1990. Let's look at their predictions and see which ones 
came true.
  The predictions appeared in Martin & Norman's The Computerized 
Society (published by Prentice-Hall in 1970), John Kemeny's Man 
and the Computer (published by Scribner's in 1972), and a 
prize-winning essay by G. Cuttle in 1969.

            Work at home
  Cuttle said, ``It may be more economical for companies to 
subsidize home `communications rooms' for their employees than 
renting expensive office space to commute to. Some establishments 
are already starting to provide computer terminals for the homes 
of senior staff. This is sensible when one considers the tendency 
for great ideas to materialize in the bath. Many of the better 
characteristics of the cottage industry may return, particularly 
in terms of personal freedom.''
  Martin and Norman said, ``The first widespread use of home 
terminals will probably be sponsored by employers. Mothers who 
participate may be relieved of the boredom they feel when they 
are unable to leave their children.''
  Kemeny said, ``Executives complain they rush into their offices 
and then spend half their time talking on the phone, which they 
could have done equally well at home. Office files will be kept 
in national computer networks, accessible from home. If the need 
for millions of people to rush in and out of the city every 
workday is removed, we'd be well on our way to solving urban 
problems. Perhaps the central city will become truly an 
information center where the machines are located but not the 
humans who use them. Since cities still would have a central 
location, they might expand their roles as entertaiment centers 
and as places to live for those who insist on seeing a play or 
sports event in person rather than on TV.''
  What happened instead Personal computers have become so cheap 
that most homes contain them instead of terminals attached to 
timesharing services. Many executives work at home on personal 
computers during evenings and weekends but still prefer to meet 
face-to-face with other employees during the day.

         Electronic shopping
  Martin & Norman: ``Instead of coming into a store, the consumer 
could scan a list of available goods and their prices at 
different shops on the home terminal, then use the terminal to 
order.''
  Kemeny: ``For items costing over a dollar, cash transactions 
will totally disappear.''
  What happened instead Because banks charge merchants large fees 
to handle charge cards and fund transfers, many merchants require 
cash for all purchases under $15. Most attempts to develop 
computerized shopping systems have failed because consumers want 
to see photographs of goods before buying them. TV shows such as 
The Home Shopping Network succeed because they let consumers view 
before buying.
                                                    Appliances
                                         Cuttle: ``Anyone who has 
any doubts about a computer's ability to cook breakfast has only 
to remember the average housewife's state of mind at 7AM to 
realize that preparing breakfast is a very mechanical task 
indeed. Many other household tasks are equally suitable for 
computers to invade. At present each piece of equipment needing 
such a computer has its own small one built in, but the logical 
development is to have a larger household computer tucked under 
the stairs. Circuits could be wired through the house so that 
each individual gadget could be plugged in.''
                                         Martin & Norman: ``A 
family driving home after a few days away will phone home and key 
some digits on the Touch-Tone phone to switch on the heat or air 
conditioning unit. A woman before leaving for work will 
preprogram her kitchen equipment to cook a meal; she'll then 
phone at the appropriate time and have the meal prepared.''
                                         What happened instead 
Now that we have microwave ovens and gourmet frozen dinners, 
housewives (and househusbands!) can create dinner in less than 
five minutes without using a computer. Instead of being linked to 
a big household computer, each appliance contains its own fancy 
microprocessor (which controls the timing, temperature, etc.), 
since microprocessors have become so cheap.

                                                    Government
                                         Cuttle: ``The 
householder could readily ask the computer whether any 
legislation in progress affects his neighborhood or interests. He 
could have far easier access to his congressman than the present 
system permits. Conversely, he could be asked questions, and this 
might well be a better way to keep congressmen in touch with the 
feelings of their constituents.''
                                         What happened instead 
Not enough people have bought modems yet. Some communities have 
tried using two-way cable instead.

                                                    Newspapers
                                         Kemeny: ``Let's consider 
a system under which The New York Times, instead of publishing 
hundreds of thousands of copies, would store the same information 
in a computer tied to a national network, from which each reader 
could retrieve the items he wanted, in as much detail as he 
desired. Sitting at home, he could dial the computer network and 
ask for his personalized New York Times. The computer would 
remember which topics he normally reads and present stories on 
them a frame at a time. He could ask for more details. He'd have 
available at any moment, day or night, completely up-to-date 
information. The system would make sure he doesn't miss any news 
that concerns him. If The New York Times adopts this suggestion, 
it should change its motto to `All the news that you see fit to 
read.'''
                                         What happened instead 
On-line services, such as Compuserve, provide the complete text 
of daily newspapers around the country. Few people use those 
services, since they cost more than a traditional newspaper and 
work only while the reader sits by a phone jack.
              Medicine
  Cuttle: ``Automatic diagnosis by computer could be a useful 
aid. Interrogation through a home terminal could pin-point some 
everyday ailments. Much treatment can be carried out at home that 
today might necessitate hospital treatment. It may be far cheaper 
and pleasanter for the patient to have monitoring equipment 
brought to his home and connected through the terminal to a 
hospital computer.''
  What happened instead Many doctors and pharmacists use 
computers to double-check diagnoses and also warn of interactions 
between drugs. Diagnosis by computer-assisted tomography is 
widespread in hospitals. Many invalids stuck at home use beepers 
to call help when needed. Most patients trust neither computers 
nor doctors.

          The whole family
  Kemeny: ``Father, if he brings his work home from the office, 
can use the terminal in place of a sizable office staff. Mother 
can do most of her shopping through a computer terminal. If by 
1990 the roles of men and women have been completely reversed, 
the computer terminal will be equally happy to work out business 
problems for mother and to help father with his shopping and 
housework. Children will find the home terminal an immeasurable 
asset in doing homework; indeed the child of 1990 will find it 
impossible to conceive how the older generation managed to get 
through school without the help of a computer.''
  What happened instead The feminist revolution has encouraged 
role reversal. Kids use Apple computers mainly to play games, 
practice programming, do word processing, and run Print Shop.

           TEACH YOUR KIDS
                                         Here's how to introduce 
kids to computers.

                                                    Curriculum
                                         Here's how to develop 
the curriculum.
                                         When should kids start 
learning about computers? Programs have been developed even for 
kids in nursery school! For example, you can get ``alphabet fun'' 
programs: when the kid presses the A key, pictures of apples 
appear all over the screen; when the kid presses B, the screen is 
filled with bears; C generates cats, etc. To make the program 
fun, the pictures on the screen are animated; they dance!
                                         Kids should start 
writing simple programs in BASIC when they're in the third grade. 
(The brightest kids can start even younger!) Before the third 
grade, the typical kid should learn how to run other people's 
programs (by typing the word RUN) and maybe should learn LOGO, 
which is a language for beginners that's easier than BASIC.
                                         Which kids should take 
computer courses? All kids should be exposed to a computer. They 
should have the opportunity to press the buttons, type the word 
RUN, and do other fun things.
                                         All kids should deal 
with the computer before entering high school. The introductory 
instruction should be broad: it should dip into BASIC 
programming, hardware jargon, application areas (such as word 
processing), and social effects.
                                         The introduction is 
important for all kids, regardless of mathematical ability. 
Remember that most computer programming requires hardly any math.
                                         Kids who are ``slow'' or 
who ``hate school'' should be included, since the computer often 
acts as a catalyst for making such students ``turn on'' to 
school. LOGO's been particularly effective at that.
                                         If your school lacks 
enough computers to start an extensive program, the best 
compromise is to wheel the computers from classroom to classroom, 
so that each kid gets to spend at least a few minutes with the 
computer each semester.
                                         Kids who want to go 
beyond introductory concepts should be allowed to join an 
after-school computer club.
                                         Which language should 
kids learn to program in? More programs have been written in 
BASIC than in any other computer language. A person who doesn't 
understand BASIC is ``out of touch'' with reality and is a 
computer illiterate.
                                         Every kid should learn 
BASIC before graduating from high school.
                                         The youngest kids might 
also want to experiment with LOGO, which lets you draw pictures 
more easily than BASIC. The oldest kids might also want to 
experiment with PASCAL, which is more ``sophisticated'' than 
BASIC. But BASIC is the most ``practical'' language to learn, 
because it can handle a wider variety of applications than LOGO 
and PASCAL. (LOGO can't handle random-access files well; PASCAL 
can't handle output formats well.)
                                         Another advantage of 
BASIC is that it comes free with most computers. LOGO and PASCAL 
cost extra.
                                         What should a computer 
course emphasize? The course should emphasize hands-on 
programming with a wide variety of amusing applications.
  The course should not be restricted to math and science. In 
fact, less than half the programming examples should involve math 
or science. Most of the examples should involve the arts, 
business, word processing, etc.
  If the computer course is taught by a math teacher, the 
school's principal should make sure the teacher doesn't spend too 
much time talking about math.
  In the ``computer curriculum'', how important are music and 
graphics? Any computer for kids should play music and draw color 
graphics, because music and graphics create fun and maintain the 
kids' interest.
  Any course on computer programming should discuss how to 
program music and graphics. Besides being fun, such a discussion 
emphasizes that computers are not ``just for numbers'', and also 
illustrates visually the effects of programming concepts such as 
FOR  . . . NEXT loops.
  In a computer course, what homework should be assigned? The 
homework should be to write a computer program. To make that 
practical, the school must have enough computers to handle all 
the kids.
  Although the teacher should assign some standard exercises, the 
kids should also be encouraged to invent their own programming 
projects.
  In what order should computer topics be taught? The course 
should begin with hands-on experience: the kids should write 
elementary programs (in BASIC or LOGO) and also run programs that 
others wrote.
  As the course progresses and the programming examples become 
more complex, you should give the kids a breather by frequently 
inserting light-hearted topics such as video games, computer 
graphics, word processing, business software, kinds of hardware, 
computer companies, effects on society, and careers.

      Educational applications
  The computer can help teach many topics.
  English While trying to write a program, the kid learns the 
importance of punctuation: the kid learns to distinguish between 
colons, semicolons, commas, periods, parentheses, and brackets. 
The kid also learns the importance of spelling: if the kid 
misspells the word PRINT or INPUT, the computer gripes. The kid 
learns to handle long words, while wading through computer 
manuals.
  Some kids ``hate to write English compositions''. The computer 
can change that attitude! If you let a kid use an easy 
word-processing program (such as Writing Assistant), the kid 
suddenly discovers that writing an English composition can be 
fun! The composition suddenly becomes ``electronic''; it appears 
on the television screen! And revising the composition can be 
even more fun since the kid gets to use all the nifty ``editing'' 
keys on the keyboard. The whole experience becomes as much fun as 
a video game. A high-quality word processor also corrects the 
kid's spelling without forcing the kid to endlessly thumb through 
the dictionary; it even corrects the kid's grammar and style. 
Watching the computer correct the spelling, grammar, and style is 
educational and fun.
  To make the kid understand why parts of speech (such as 
``nouns'', ``verbs'', and ``adjectives'') are important, give the 
kid a computer program that writes sentences by choosing random 
nouns, random verbs, and random adjectives. Then tell the kid to 
invent his own nouns, verbs, and adjectives, feed them into the 
program, and watch what kind of sentences the program produces 
now.
                                         Young kids enjoy a 
program called Story Machine. It gives you a list of nouns, 
verbs, adjectives, and other parts of speech that you can use to 
build a story. You type the story using any words on the list. As 
you type the story, the computer automatically illustrates it! 
For example, if you type, ``The boy eats the apple,'' your screen 
will automatically show a picture of a boy eating an apple! If 
you type several sentences, to form a longer story, the computer 
will automatically illustrate the entire story and produce an 
animated cartoon of it! The program also criticizes your story's 
structure. For example, if you say ``The boy eats the apple'' but 
the boy isn't near the apple yet, the program will recommend that 
you insert a sentence such as ``The boy runs to the apple'' 
beforehand. The program comes on a $25 disk from Spinnaker 
Software (1 Kendall Square, Cambridge, MA 02139, phone 
617-494-1200). To run the program, you need an Apple computer.
                                         History The computer can 
make history come ``alive'', by throwing the student into the 
middle of an historical situation. For example, a graduate of my 
intensive teacher-training institute wrote a program that says, 
``It's 1910. You're Kaiser Wilhelm. What are you going to do?'' 
Then it gives you several choices. For example, it asks ``Would 
you like to make a treaty with Russia?'' If you answer ``yes'', 
the computer replies, ``Russia breaks the treaty. Now what are 
you going to do?'' No matter how you answer the questions, there 
are only two ways the program can end: either ``You've plunged 
Europe into a World War'' or ``You've turned Germany into a 
second-rate country''. After running that program several times, 
you get a real feeling for the terrible jam that the Kaiser was 
in, and you begin to pity him. Running the program is more 
dramatic than reading a book about the Kaiser's problems, because 
the program forces you to step into the Kaiser's shoes and react 
to his surroundings: you are there. When you finish running the 
program, you feel you've lived another life ___ the life of a 
1910 Kaiser.
                                         Such a program is called 
an historical simulation, since it makes the computer simulate 
(imitate) an historical event.
                                         Current events The best 
way to teach about current events is through simulation.
                                         For example, when 
California's Governor Brown had trouble controlling medflies, 
teachers wrote programs that began by saying, ``You're Governor 
Brown. What are you going to do?'' (One of the programs was even 
called ``Medfly Mania''.)
                                         The best way to 
encourage the student to analyze the conflict between Israel and 
the Arabs is to tell the student to run a program that begins by 
saying ``You're Israel's Prime Minister'' and then run a program 
that begins by saying ``You're the PLO's leader, Yassir Arafat''. 
By running both programs, the student learns to take both sides 
of the argument and understands the emotions of both leaders. 
Such programs could help warring nations understand each other 
enough to bring peace!
                                         When Three-Mile Island 
almost exploded, teachers wrote a program that says ``You're in 
the control room at Three-Mile Island''. Your computer's screen 
shows a high-resolution color picture of the control room. Your 
goal is to make as much money as possible for the electric 
company, without blowing the place up. You can buy two versions 
of the program: one's called just ``Three-Mile Island''; the 
other's called ``Scram''. To teach kids about Three-Mile Island, 
it's easier to buy the program than to get permission from 
parents to ``take the kids on a field trip to Three-Mile Island'' 
(which also requires that you sit on a bus while listening to 100
choruses of ``100 bottles of beer on the wall'' and worrying 
about kids who get lost at Three-Mile Island).
  The best way to teach economics and politics is to give the 
student a program that says ``You're running the country'' and 
then asks the student to input an economic and political 
strategy. At the end of the program, the computer tells how many 
years the student lasted in office, how well the country fared, 
and how many people want to assassinate him.
  The best way to learn anything is ``by experience''. Computer 
simulations let the student learn by ``simulated experience'', 
which condenses into a few minutes what would otherwise require 
many years of ``natural experience''.
  Biology The computer can do genetics calculations: it can 
compute the probabilities of having various kinds of offspring 
and predict how the characteristics of the population will shift 
over time.
  The computer can handle taxonomy: it can classify different 
kinds of animals and plants. The computer asks you a series of 
questions about an organism and finally tells you the organism's 
name. One of the most popular programs is a game called 
``Animals'', which lets the student teach the computer which 
questions to ask.
  To teach ecology, a graduate of my teacher-training institute 
wrote a simulation program that begins by saying, ``You're the 
game warden of New Jersey. What are you going to do?'' For 
example, it asks how many weeks you want the deer-hunting season 
to last. If you make the hunting season too long, the hunters 
kill all the deer, and the deer-loving environmentalists hate 
you. On the other hand, if you make the deer-hunting season too 
short, the hunters hate you; moreover, the deer overpopulate, 
can't find enough to eat, and then die of starvation, whereupon 
everybody hates you. Your goal is to stay in office as long as 
possible.
  Sex education When Dartmouth College (which for centuries had 
been all-male and rowdy) suddenly became co-ed in 1971, its 
biology department realized the importance of teaching about 
birth control. The professors wrote a program that asks how old 
you are and which birth control method you wish to use this year. 
You have 9 choices, such as pill, diaphragm, IUD, condom, rhythm 
method, and ``Providence''.
  After you type your choice, the computer computes the 
probabilities and may print (if you're unlucky) ***BOY*** or 
***GIRL***. The computation is based, as in nature, on a 
combination of science and chance (random numbers). Then the 
computer asks your strategy for the next year.
  The program continues until the computer finally prints 
***MENOPAUSE***.
  The program lets you explore how different strategies will 
result in different numbers of children. It's safer to experiment 
with the program than to experiment on your body. It's also 
faster. But maybe it's not as much fun!
  How can programs that tutor, drill, and test students be made 
exciting? The programs should use the same techniques that make 
video games exciting.
  Specifically, the programs should include color graphics and 
animation, require the student to answer quickly, and display a 
running total of the student's points, so that each time the 
student answers a question correctly the score on the screen 
increases immediately.
                                         At the end of the 
educational game, the computer shouldn't say ``excellent'' or 
``fair'' or ``poor''. Instead, the computer should simply state 
the total number of points accumulated (which should be in the 
thousands) and then ask whether the student would like to try 
again, to increase the score.
                                         If the student's score 
is exceptionally high, the computer should reward the student by 
giving lots of praise and by storing the student's name on the 
disk. If the student's score is low, no criticism should be given 
other than asking ``Would you like to try again?''

                                                    Purchasing
                                         When your school decides 
to buy computers, it will face these issues.
                                         How many computers to 
buy The more the better! Whatever the school can afford!
                                         Stick to a single brand, 
or buy a variety? The students should see a wide variety of 
computers, because each computer has its own strengths and 
weaknesses. The best business software is on the IBM PC, the best 
graphics and music software is on the Macintosh, and the best 
educational software is on the Apple 2GS.
                                         The school should decide 
on a ``main'' brand of computer (to simplify the lectures about 
programming) but also buy samples of other brands (for 
demonstrations and for advanced students).
                                         Best computer for 
teaching programming The best versions of BASIC require a 
Commodore Amiga, IBM PC, or clone. For a lower-cost alternative, 
get Radio Shack Color Computer or a used Commodore 128. Their 
versions of BASIC are all far superior to the Apple 2's.
                                         How to get free software 
If you're a teacher, tell your hot-shot students to write the 
software for you. Your students will love the opportunity to work 
on a project that's useful. Tell the students that if their 
software is good you'll write them glowing recommendations saying 
that they computerized the school.
                                         Many software publishers 
give educational discounts. Some publishers offer ``site 
licenses'', where you pay a large fee up front but then can make 
as many copies of the software as you wish, free.
                                         The nicest publishers of 
business software offer ``trial size'' versions for $10 or even 
free. Nice trial-size versions let you try all the software's 
keystrokes and commands but require you to keep your documents 
and files brief ___ just long enough so that you can study and 
evaluate the software but short enough so that you'll eventually 
want to buy the full versions.
                                         For example, trial-size 
versions of word processors restrict you to one-page documents; 
trial-size database programs restrict you to 15-record files. 
When you try to exceed those limits, the software makes the 
computer say, ``Not available in trial size. Buy the full 
version.''
                                         Trial-size versions are 
nicknamed ``crippled software''. Software publishers often let 
you copy them free, so that you and your students and friends can 
run ``software test drives'' and ``software taste tests''.
             Management
  After buying computers, the school's administration must decide 
what to do with them.
  Should you let kids play video games on the school's computers? 
Give every kid the experience of briefly playing video games 
because they're fun, encourage speed and agility, reward 
self-improvement, create a positive attitude towards computers 
and technology, lead the kid to thinking about strategies and 
programming methods, and provide examples of the best programs 
ever invented.
  But discourage kids from spending excessive time on games. Give 
game-players lower priority than other kids who want to use the 
computers. To do that, you can restrict game-playing to just a 
few of the computers or a few times of the day, or require 
game-players to leave whenever non-game-players want to use their 
computers.
  By charging a small fee for game-playing, you can collect 
enough money to buy more computers.
  Which room should contain the computers? The safest place to 
put the computers is in the library. That reduces the chance of 
theft, encourages disks to be checked out like books, and makes 
sure the computer lab is run by a humanities-oriented librarian 
instead of a narrow-minded mathematician.
  Most librarians know how to run audio-visual equipment and 
communicate with large databases and therefore don't fear 
technology. Since librarians enjoy the humanities (especially 
reading) and nevertheless are comfortable with scientific 
technology, librarians are the ideal choice for running a 
computer center that meets the needs of the whole school. And the 
library's the only place in the school where all the students and 
faculty can feel comfortable ___ except for the cafeteria.
  Try moving some cheap computers into the cafeteria for students 
to use during lunch and study breaks. That will increase the 
computers' visibility and turn lunch into an intellectual affair. 
With adequate supervision, you can overcome the cafeteria's 
dangers (theft, food fights, and spilled drinks).
  How can you supervise the computers cheaply? You can get 
parents to volunteer. Many parents would love the opportunity to 
work in a computer environment, in the hope of entering a 
full-blown computer career later.
  If the students in your school's computer club act responsibly, 
you can turn the club into a ``Computer Service Organization'' 
that helps teach the rest of the school about computers. The 
club's members can mention such service on their resums, which 
will help them get into college.
  Give a speech to all students: tell them that when they're 
using the computers they should help each other. Encourage 
teamwork.
  Should you let students use the administration's computer? The 
administration's computer handles the school's budget, payroll, 
schedules, attendance records, and report cards. Don't give 
students access to the disks containing that information.
  But students should occasionally use the administration's 
computer (if the students use special ``student disks'' instead), 
because the students should see how a big computer operates. The 
brightest and most trustworthy students might even help the 
administration write some programs (though students shouldn't 
gain access to the real data).

            AVOID DANGERS
                                         How could computers 
change human society? The many good ways are obvious. Here are 
the bad ones.

                                                      Errors
                                         Although the computer 
can have a mechanical breakdown, the usual reason for computer 
errors is mental breakdown ___ on the part of the people who run 
it. The usual computer blooper is caused by a programmer who 
writes an incorrect program, or a user who inputs a wrong number. 
If you want the computer to write a check for $10.00, but you 
forget to type the decimal point, the computer will nonchalantly 
write a check for $1000.
                                         The biggest computer 
blooper ever made occurred at Cape Kennedy. A rocket rose 
majestically from its launch pad and headed toward Venus. 
Suddenly it began to wobble. It had to be destroyed after less 
than 5 minutes of flight. The loss was put at $18,500,000. What 
went wrong? After much head-scratching, the answer was finally 
found. In one of the lines of one of the programs, a programmer 
omitted a hyphen.
                                         In one city's computer 
center, every inhabitant's vital statistics were put on cards. 
One lady in the town was 107, but the number 107 wouldn't fit on 
the card properly, because the space allotted for AGE was only 
two digits. The computer just examined the last two digits, which 
were 07, and assumed she was 7 years old. Since she was 7 and not 
going to school, the computer printed a truant notice. So city 
officials visited the home of the 107-year-old lady and demanded 
to see her mom.
                                         A man in Germany 
received a bill from a computer requesting the payment of ``zero 
deutschmark''. He ignored it, but two weeks later the machine 
sent him a letter reminding him that he had not paid the sum of 
``zero deutschmark''. Two weeks after that another and more 
strongly worded letter arrived. He still took no action other 
than photocopying the letters and gleefully showing them to his 
friends. But the computer persisted and eventually announced that 
it was referring his failure to pay to the company lawyers. So he 
telephoned the company. They explained to him there was a minor 
oversight in the program, assured him it was being corrected, but 
requested him to send a check for ``zero deutschmark'' to 
simplify the reconciliation. He duly made out a check for ``0.0 
DM.'' and mailed it. Two days later the check was returned to him 
from the bank with a polite (nonautomated) letter stating that 
the bank's computer was unable to process the check.
                                         That last anecdote was 
from Martin and Norman's The Computerized Society. This is from 
Time Magazine:
                                         Rex Reed, writer and 
sometime actor, ordered a bed from a Manhattan department store. 
Three months passed. Then came the long anticipated announcement: 
the bed will be delivered on Friday.
                                         Reed waited all day. No 
bed. Having disposed of his other bed, he slept on the floor.
                                         Next day deliverers 
brought the bed but couldn't put it up. No screws.
                                         On Monday, men appeared 
with the screws. But they couldn't put in the mattresses. No 
slats. ``That's not our department.''
                                         Reed hired a carpenter 
to build them. The department store's slats finally arrived 15 
weeks later.
                                         Undaunted, Reed went to 
the store to buy sheets. Two men came up and declared: ``You're 
under arrest.'' Why? ``You're using a stolen credit card. Rex 
Reed is dead.'' Great confusion. Reed flashed all his identity 
cards. The detectives apologized ___ and then tore up his store 
charge card. Why? ``Our computer has been told that you are dead. 
And we cannot change this.''
                                         On a less humorous note, 
a woman died from freezing, because an errant computer thought 
she hadn't paid her utility bill.
            Unemployment
  Since the computer's a labor-saving device, it may make 
laborers unemployed. Clerks and other low-echelon white-collar 
workers might find themselves jobless and penniless.
  The newspaper companies in New York City have realized they'd 
save money by hiring fewer printers and using computers instead. 
But the printers union, upset, cried ``Breach of contract!'' The 
companies and printers finally agreed to get the computers, hire 
no new printers, but retain the current ones until retirement.
  The advent of computers doesn't have to mean a net loss of 
jobs. In fact, new ones are created. Not all computer-related 
jobs require abstract thinking: there's a need for mechanics, 
typists, secretaries, salesmen, editors, librarians, etc. There 
is a need for people to tell the programmers what kind of things 
to program. Running a computer center is a business, and there's 
a need for businessmen.
  When computers do human work, will there be enough work left 
for us humans to do? Don't worry: when no work is necessary, 
humans have an amazing talent for inventing it. That's the 
purpose of Madison Avenue ___ to create new longings. Instead of 
significantly shortening the work week, Americans have always 
opted for a work week of nearly equal length but devoted to more 
luxurious ends. That's the gung-ho Protestant work ethic we're so 
famous for. Computers will change but not reduce our work.
  . . . That's what will happen in the long run. But for the next 
decade or two, as society shifts to computers, many folks will be 
temporarily out of a job.

           Quantification
  Since the computer handles numbers easily, it encourages people 
to reduce problems to numbers. That's both good and bad. It's 
good because it forces people to be precise. It's bad because 
some people are starting to make quantification a goal in itself, 
forgetting that it's but a tool to other ends. Counting the words 
that Shakespeare wrote is of no value in itself: it must be put 
to some use. In both the humanities and the social sciences, I'm 
afraid the motto of the future will be, ``If you can't think, 
count.'' Some cynics have remarked, ``The problem with computers 
is that they make meaningless research possible.''
  Since only quantifiable problems can be computerized, there's a 
danger that, in a burst of computer enthusiasm, people will 
decide that unquantifiable problems aren't worth investigating, 
or that unquantifiable aspects of an otherwise quantifiable 
problem should be ignored. John Kemeny gives this example:
  I've heard a story about the design of a new freeway in the 
City of Los Angeles.
  At an open hearing, a number of voters complained bitterly that 
the freeway would go right through the midst of a part of the 
city heavily populated by blacks and would destroy the spirit of 
community they'd slowly and painfully built up. The voters' 
arguments were defeated by the simple statement that, according 
to an excellent computer, the proposed route was the best 
possible one.
  Apparently none of them knew enough to ask how the computer had 
been instructed to evaluate the variety of possible routes. Was 
it asked only to consider the costs of building and acquiring 
property (in which case it would have found routing through a 
ghetto area highly advantageous), or was it also asked to take 
into account human suffering that a given route would cause?
  Perhaps the voters would even have agreed it's not possible to 
measure human suffering in terms of dollars. But if we omit 
consideration of human suffering, then we're equating its cost to 
zero, which is certainly the worst of all procedures!

                                         People are being reduced 
to numbers: telephone numbers, social security numbers, zip 
codes, etc. When you start treating another human as just a wrong 
telephone number, and hang up in his face, something is wrong.

                                                 Asocial behavior
                                         The computer's a 
seductive toy. When you walk up to it, you expect to spend just a 
few minutes but wind up spending several hours instead. Whether 
catching bugs or playing Pac-Man, you'll probably while away lots 
of time. You may find yourself spending more time with the 
computer than with people. That can be dangerous. For the average 
American child, his mother is a television set. Will the computer 
replace T.V. as the national fixation?
                                         Getting along with the 
computer is easy ___ perhaps too easy. Though it can gripe at 
you, it can't yell. If you don't like its behavior, you can turn 
it off. You can't do the same thing to people. Excessive time 
spent with the computer can leave you unprepared for the 
ambiguities and tensions of real life.
                                         The computer replaces 
warmth by precision. Excessive time spent with it might inhibit 
your development as a loving individual.

                                                 Irresponsibility
                                         Computerization is part 
of the oncoming technological bureaucracy. Like all bureaucracy, 
it encourages the individual to say, ``Don't blame me ___ I can't 
change the bureaucracy.'' Only now the words will read, ``Don't 
blame me ___ the computer did it.''
                                         When John Kemeny's 
sister asked a saleswoman whether a certain item was in stock, 
the woman said she couldn't answer, because the information was 
kept by a computer. The woman hadn't been able to answer 
questions about stock even before the computer came in ___ the 
computer was just a new scapegoat.
                                         Computers will 
eventually be used to run governments and wars. The thought of 
someone saying, ``I can't change that ___ that's the way the 
computer does it'' is frightening.

                                                Concentrated power
                                         As computers amass more 
and more information about people, the computers will become 
centers of knowledge. The people who control them ___ the 
programmers, sociologists, generals, and politicians ___ will 
gain a lot of power. The thought of so much power being 
concentrated in the hands of a few is frightening. A handful of 
people, pressing the wrong buttons, could atom-bomb the earth.
                                         Nobody should have 
complete control over a computer center. The power should be 
diversified. Sensitive data and programs should be protected by 
passwords and other devices, so that no single individual can get 
access to all of it.

                                                       Crime
                                         The computer is the 
biggest tool in the kit of the white-collar criminal. All he has 
to do is insert a zero on a tape, and the computer will send him 
a paycheck for ten times the correct amount.
  To catch such criminals, computers are programmed to do a lot 
of double-checking; but if the criminal evades the double-checks, 
he won't get caught. Police have a hard time tracking down 
computer criminals, because fingerprints and other traditional 
forms of evidence are irrelevant. Most computers have passwords 
to try to stop people from fooling around with sensitive data, 
but a bright programmer can devise various tricks to get around 
the passwords. The crudest is to bug the wires that go to the 
terminals. The cleverest is to slip extra lines into an innocent 
program, and get someone else to run it; the extra lines transfer 
money to the programmer's account.
  Since you must be quite smart to be a computer criminal, if 
you're caught you're likely to be admired. The usual reaction of 
people is not ___ ``What a terrible thing you've done!'' ___ but 
rather ___ ``Gee, you must be smart. Tell me, how did you do 
it?'' A bright button-down computer criminal who steals $100,000 
electronically usually gets a lighter sentence than the dude who 
must resort to a gun to get $1000. Is that justice?

                 Invaded privacy
  Of all the harm computers can do, ``invaded privacy'' worries 
people the most. George Orwell, in his book 1984, warned that 
someday ``Big Brother will be watching you'' via a computer. His 
prediction's already a reality: your whereabouts are constantly 
checked by computers owned by the FBI, the IRS, the military, 
credit-card companies, and mail-order houses. My brother once 
wrote an innocent letter asking for stamps. Instead of using his 
own name, he used the name of our dog, Rusty. Since then, we've 
received letters from many organizations, all addressed to ``Mr. 
Rusty''. Our dog's name sits in computers all across the country.
  The information computers have stored about you may be 
misleading. If you never find out about the error, the 
consequences can haunt you the rest of your life. Examples:
  A teacher saw one of the little boys in her class kiss another 
boy. She entered on his computerized school records, ``displays 
homosexual tendencies''.
  According to computer records, a certain man had ``three 
lawsuits against him''. In fact, the first was a scare suit 30 
years before, over a magazine subscription he had never ordered; 
the second had been withdrawn after a compromise over a disputed 
fee; the third case had been settled in his favor.
  You have a right to see what information is stored about you, 
and change it if it's incorrect. For example, if a teacher or 
employer writes a ``confidential recommendation'' about you, you 
have a right to examine it, to prevent misleading statements from 
haunting you for life.
  Even if the information stored about you is accurate, you have 
a right to prevent its dissemination to the world in general. No 
organization should store or disseminate information 
unjustifiably.
  What is ``justifiable''? Fearing ``Big Brother'', people don't 
want politicians to access personal information. On the other 
hand, fearing criminals, people want the police to have a free 
hand in sleuthing. How to give information to the police without 
giving it to politicians can be puzzling.
  Outdated information should be obliterated. An individual 
shouldn't be haunted by his distant past; he should be given a 
chance to turn over a new leaf. Moreover, information 50 years 
old may be couched in words that have been redefined. To be a 
``leftist'', for example, means something different in each 
decade.
  Only facts should be stored, not opinions. It's okay to store 
that someone lives on Fifth Avenue, but not that he lives in a 
``nice neighborhood''.
  It's unfortunate that people feel a need for privacy. If the 
information stored about you is correct, why argue? But many 
people feel a need to be secretive, and I suppose people do have 
that right. It's sometimes called the right to be ``let alone''.
  People don't want to feel their whole lives are on stage, 
recorded by a computer. It inhibits them from acting free and 
natural. Even if the computer doesn't store any damaging 
information about you, the mere thought that your every action is 
being recorded is damaging, because it makes you act more 
conservatively. You may be afraid of adopting a good but unusual 
lifestyle, because anything ``different'' about you will look bad 
on the computerized records used by banks, credit-card companies, 
insurance companies, and other conservative institutions. The 
harmful thing is not that Big Brother is watching, but that you 
feel he's watching. You are subjugated.

     READ GOOD BOOKS
                                                     Begin by 
reading The Secret Guide to Computers.
                                                     Then read 
the hardware and software manuals that came with your computer. 
Although a beginner can't understand those manuals, you'll 
understand them ___ after you've mastered The Secret Guide to 
Computers!
                                                     Then read 
some of the books listed on the next page. For each topic, I've 
listed the two best books. If you read both books about the 
topic, you'll become an expert. For each book, I've listed the 
title, author, and publisher.
                                                     The typical 
book costs about $20. Publishers raise their prices every year. 
(I'm the only publisher whose prices move in the opposite 
direction.)
                      Details of popular microcomputers
repairing IBM clones:Fix Your Own PC by McLaughlin & Sasser & 
Ralston (MIS Press/Henry Holt)
                  The Complete PC Upgrade and Maintenance Guide 
by Minasi (Sybex)

MS-DOS:           DOS for Dummies by Gookin (IDG)
                  Running MS-DOS by Wolverton (Microsoft)

Windows software: More Windows for Dummies by Rathbone (IDG)
                  Multimedia Madness by Wodaski (Sams)

Mac:              Macs for Dummies by Pogue (IDG)
                  The Macintosh Bible by Naiman (Goldstein & 
Blair)

classic computers:Apple 2 User's Guide by Poole et al 
(Osborne/McGraw-Hill)
                  A Guide to Programming the Commodore Comp'rs by 
Presley (Lawrenceville)

                          The computer's subculture
subculture's history:Fire in the Valley by Freiberger & Swaine 
(Osborne/McGraw-Hill)
                  Hackers by Levy (Anchor/Doubleday)

biographies of Bill Gates:Hard Drive by Wallace & Erickson 
(Wiley)
                  Gates by Manes & Andrews (Doubleday)

subculture's fun facts:The Naked Computer by Rochester & Gantz 
(Morrow)
                  The New Hacker's Dictionary by Raymond (MIT 
Press)

on-line services: Online by Lambert (Microsoft)
                  The Computer Phone Book by Cane (Plume/New 
American Library)

                                 Programming
BASIC:            BASIC & the Personal Computer by Dwyer & 
Critchfield (Addison-Wesley)
                  A Guide to Programming: IBM Personal Computer 
by Presley (Lawrenceville)

DBASE:            Everyman's Database Primer by Byers 
(Ashton-Tate/Borland)
                  DBASE 2 for the Programmer by Dinerstein (Scott 
Foresman)

PASCAL:           Introduction to PASCAL by Zaks (Sybex)
                  Oh! Pascal! by Cooper & Clancy (Norton)

C:                The C Programming Language by Kernighan & 
Ritchie (Prentice-Hall)
                  The C Primer by Hancock & Krieger (McGraw-Hill)

LOGO:             LOGO for the Apple by Abelson (McGraw-Hill)
                  Mindstorms by Papert (Basic Books)

FORTRAN:          FORTRAN 77 for Humans by Page & Didday (West)
                  The Elements of FORTRAN Style by Kreitzberg & 
Shneiderman (Harcourt)

COBOL:            A Simplified Guide to Structured COBOL Prog'ing 
by McCracken (Wiley)
                  Structured ANS COBOL by Murach & Noll (2 
volumes, Mike Murach)

assembler for IBM PC:Assembly Language Primer for the IBM PC&XT 
by Lafore (Plume/New American Library)
                  Peter Norton's Assembly Language Book for the 
IBM PC by Norton & Socha (Brady/Prentice-Hall)

assembler for mainframes:Assembly Language Programming by Tuggle 
(Science Research Associates)
                  Systems Programming by Donovan (McGraw-Hill)

surveys of languages:Introduction to Programming Languages by 
Peterson (Prentice-Hall)
                  Programming Languages by Tucker (McGraw-Hill)

ADA:              Introduction to ADA by Price (Prentice-Hall)
                  Programming in ADA by Wegner (Prentice-Hall)

FORTH:            Starting FORTH by Brodie (Prentice-Hall)
                  FORTH Fundamentals Volume 1 by McCabe 
(Dilithium)

string-handling languages:LISP by Winston & Horn (Addison-Wesley)
                  The SNOBOL4 Programming Language by Griswold & 
Poage & Polonsky (Prentice-Hall)

numeric languages:Statistical Package for the Social Sciences by 
Nie et al (McGraw-Hill)
                  APL an Interactive Approach by Gilman & Rose 
(Wiley)

                            SHARE OUR KNOWLEDGE
  Thank you for reading The Secret Guide to Computers. If you 
have any questions about what you've read, phone me at (617) 
666-2666, day or night.


  
                                                    
                  17 pages freetypewriterHP-2000    BASIC
edition 11972  pamphlet 12 pages freetypewriterDEC-10DEC 
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  To get on the mailing list for a free brochure about the 20th 
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with your name, address, and the words ``send 20th edition 
info''.

             Let's meet
  I hope to meet you someday. If you ever visit the Boston area, 
drop in, say hello, and browse through my computer library. My 
heavy workload prevents me from chatting long, but at least we 
can grin.
  If you like, join one of my blitz courses, where we cover 
everything worth knowing about computers in one intensive 
weekend. I give the course in many cities and charge just $2.50 
per hour.
  I can also visit your home town and give a course to you and 
your friends privately. If you have lots of friends, the cost per 
person can get quite cheap.
  For more information about what I can do for you at little or 
no charge, phone me at (617) 666-2666 or mail the coupon on the 
back page.

        How to give a course
  After you practice using computers and become a computer 
expert, why not give your own courses? You too can become a guru. 
Here are some suggestions.
  When giving a course, you won't have enough time to cover every 
detail, so don't even try. Tell the students that the details can 
be found in The Secret Guide to Computers and the manuals that 
come with their computers.
  Instead of grinding through details, have fun! Demonstrate 
hardware and software that the audience hasn't seen, argue 
cheerily about computer hassles, let the audience ask lots of 
questions, and give the audience hands-on experience aided by 
tutors.
                                         Here are some of the 
lines I use to liven up my classes and loosen up my students. 
Feel free to copy them.
                                         ``Hi, I'm Russ. I'm 
supposed to turn all of you into computer experts by five 
o'clock. I'll try.''
                                         ``In this course, I'm 
your slave. Anything you want, you get.''
                                         ``If you're a boring 
group, we'll follow the curriculum. If you're interesting, you'll 
ask lots of questions and we'll dig into the good stuff.''
                                         ``Don't bother taking 
notes. If God wanted you to be a Xerox machine, He would have 
made you look that way. So just relax. If you forget what I say, 
phone me anytime, and I'll repeat it all back to you.''
                                         ``There's no attendance 
requirement. Leave whenever you wish. If we hit a topic that 
bores you, that's a good time to go to the bathroom, get some 
munchies, or take a walk in the fresh air. Better yet, play with 
the computers at the back of the room, so you become super-smart. 
The tutors will get you any software you wish.''
                                         When you're planning to 
teach a course, phone me for free help with curriculum, 
dramatics, and tricks of the trade.
                                         Your first course might 
have some rough edges, because you haven't had experience yet in 
giving demonstrations, fielding audience questions, and 
dramatically varying the pace so that your audience stays awake. 
So for your first course, play safe: charge as little as 
possible, so everybody in the audience feels the course was a 
``good deal'' and a ``wonderful bargain'' and nobody feels 
``ripped off''. For that first course your goal should not be 
money: instead, your goal should be to gain experience and a good 
reputation.
                                         No matter how great you 
think you are, your audience will tire of you eventually. To keep 
your audience awake, offer variety by including your friends as 
part of your act.
                                         Good luck. Try hard. You 
can cast a spell over the audience. Courses change lives.

                                             Your source of free help,
                                                 At your service,
                                               Your computer butler,
                                                  (617) 666-2666