    Book 9  ͻ
                           
                                      
                          

                                                        
                                                        
                                                     
                                                                       
                             \       $       /                          
                                     $                                  
          by                         $                November 6, 1993  
         Igal                                              thru        
       Koshevoy                     $                December 14, 1993  
                                   $                                    
                             /              \                          
                                                     
                                                                      
                                                                      
                                          
                                                     
                                             
  ͼ


 
    no more lies.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~

    nothing beside
    nothing behind
    no looking forward
    just keep moving lazily on

    i'm in a cloud
    and i can't see
    and i don't even want to
    i don't care about anything else
    don't even care about me
    and i'm slipping away
    slipping out
    passed
    passing
    passing out
    passing away

    my arms outstretch to embrace
    the greyness
    the blur
    my new savior
    my new empty soul

    with glazed eyes
    frozen heart
    feelingless fingers
    numbed lies
    we behold

    it's all i have left
    it's all i am any more

    a grey blur

    an empty shell

    an insignificant lie

    a fallen scrap
    of meaningless waste
    of incalculable unimportance

    i'm not me any more
    i'm no one
    i ain't nuttin'

    i've become one with the only thing i behold
        grey
        blur
        of
        nothingness


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (-b-^lh)
                                                 November 6, 1993; 11:18pm
                                                 ALTAR OF APOLOGIES 14:7



    present tense memory
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    so there you have it, Stephanie
    you finally got what you want
    or is it?

    you're there with your slick boyfriend
    and his shiny new car
    got your little friends standing there
    saying just how cool your threads are
    you've got it all
    you have everything
    the American dream
    the Vision

        . . .

    the memory...

        . . .

    you couldn't wait
    couldn't wait up for me
    could you?

    nope ... had to jump in feet first
    and shut your eyes
    and say, "To Hell with it all...."

    i spent so long playing catch-up
    now i'm here for you
    and you're caught-up in the web of your own spinning
    and all i can do is feel sorry for you

    yeah, there you are with your bastard of a boyfriend
    who wouldn't care about you even if he could
    if you didn't look so cute in his shiny new car
    he wouldn't give even a damn about you
    and he really doesn't like you that much
    else he wouldn't hurt you so much

    you got your little "friends" standing there
    but they don't like you a bit
    you're a fad
    a fashion
    and they wear you on their sleeves

    you've got the bad deal
    you have nothing
    the Amerikan dream
    but who's vision is it?

    not yours ...
    not mine.

        . . .

    and here we are
    three feet from each other
    and worlds apart
    i can just stand here and stare at you
    and feel sorry that i couldn't run fast enough to catch you
    and you can stand there looking at me
    feeling sorry for yourself and your pitiful life
    and feeling sorry for my empty life
    and yet
    as perfected irony
    we nod good-bye and walk our separate paths
    as screams of our hearts
    are drowned out by the noise of the traffic going by

        . . .

    yeah, Stephanie
    i really love you
    i hope you know that
    i hope that you understand
    i regret it
    you regret it
    we both regret it
    and why won't we change it
    why won't we make this Hell a little warmer and more comfy?
    our silly prides
    our status-quo
    our foolish egos
    our stupid lies

    what's the point?
    i don't know
    guess all i wanted to say was
    Stephanie, i wish i was here with you


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (AT^LH)
                                                 November 8, 1993; 10:26pm
                                                 ALTAR OF APOLOGIES 16:6



    not a ripple, not a splash
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    i hate all you people
    you mean nothing to me

    i don't want your company
    but at least you don't like me

    don't want to live your life
    don't want to be you

    i hate what you stand for
    all your arrogance, despised

    i can't appreciate your
    smiling lies
    your empty eyes
    unbeating hearts
    downtrodden souls
    your twisted lives

    no, i'm not like you
    and i don't do what you do

    your swollen prides
    offend me

    your foolish lies
    disgust me

    the lives you lead on
    the blood you feed on
    the hate you breed from

    is nothing
    to me

        . . .

    material wealth
    is your whole world

    things like love
    that are free
    are never worth much

    your choices
    are my rejections

    your doors
    are barriers to me

    your smiles
    my tears

    your friends
    my enemies

    your lies
    my truth

    your misunderstanding
    is my world

        . . .

    but i don't want your sympathy

    and i don't want your apologies

    and i don't want you here - with me

    your words to me are empty

    your love is hollow in my eyes

    your vision is blind

    your lives are dead

    your shallow lives
    are cold and empty

    your hollowed hearts
    so frozen and impure

    your empty minds
    filled with so much nothing

    that's all you are
    that's all you will be
        nothing,
        nothing at all.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (Sp)
                                                 November 10, 1993; 2:28am
                                                 ALTAR OF APOLOGIES 18:8



                               nugatory goddess
                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I got to see an old girlfriend of mine today.  She was sitting alone at a
table - not doing anything, other than staring sadly yet vengefully at that
table.  I slid down into a chair across from her and watched her for a few
minutes - and she kept staring at the table.  In the frigid silence, I decided
to get a couple words flowing, "So Steph, it's been a long time ...  how've
you been?"

    "Okay.  What about you." she said mournfully.

    "I've been surviving in my own little way.  Ah, I see you've got yourself
a new boyfriend ...  tell me, do you love him?" I asked.

    "He's an arrogant asshole." she responded calmly.

    "Does he love you?"

    "No, doesn't even like me." Stephanie said matter-of-factly.

    "Why does he stay with you?"

    "Cause he says that I look cute in his car." she responded coldly.

    "Is that it?"

    "Yeah."

    Pause.

    "How's the folks?"

    "I don't know - haven't spent much time with them, not that I want to."

    Pause.

    "How're all your friends doing?"

    "Friends...?  Oh, those bastards ... they're fine too."

    A long pause insued - I stared at her, she kept watching the table, as if
she was expecting it to reveal the answer to the questions of the universe to
her.

    "Stephanie - do you know I still love you?"  I asked.

    "Yeah."

    "You know that I've always been here for you and always will be?"

    "Yeah."

    "Do you know how much I miss you?"

    "Yeah."  she responded, with the same cold calmness.

    Another long pause.

    "Steph - why do you do this to yourself?  Why the Hell do you live this
lie, this life that you don't even want to live?  Why do you put up with this
bastard of a boyfriend that just beats you around to get out his frustration,
screws you whenever he pleases, and keeps you dangling around like a
decoration?  How do you stand hanging around all those people that I know you
hate?  WHY?!"

    "Why do I even bother?  I ... I don't kn..."

    Mid-sentence, her slick boyfriend walked up, grabbed her arm, pulled her
out of her chair, and dragged her over to a giggling band of cool-looking
people - proudly saying to her, "Come on you little suck-slut, let's go."

    She never looked up at him, she never looked back at me, never even looked
at the group she was with - just kept staring into empty space.

    It took ever bit of willpower in my body to keep myself from breaking
every bone in that boyfriend's body - the only reason I didn't was because I
knew it wouldn't help anything, it wouldn't change anything, and no one
would be able to understand why I did it - not even her.

    And in the midst of my frustration I suddenly realized what I was doing to
keep myself from decking that guy: I was staring, sadly and vengefully, at the
table.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (AT)
                                                 November 10, 1993; 3:13am
                                                 ALTAR OF APOLOGIES 21:3



    mutual necrosis
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    unconditional love for all but me
    focused sight except for me
    understanding everything - that you already understand

    you hypocrite
    you liar
    you thief
    you lighter
    of my pyre
      step away

    i was always just the weirdo
       the freak in the bed sheet
    now i'm just a bitter lie
       beside me
    resides in me
       my hatred
    no conditions
       no apologies
          no tears fall
    for my rejections
       rejections
          rejections

    turn away
       look aside
    you don't need to suffer
    no need to live my life for me
    no need to lie my lie for me

    you just stay away
       you always do that
          just knowing when to turn away
    i never robbed you
       never stole from you your heart
    i didn't harm you
       there were no scratches nor scars

    you walked away
       you walk away
    there's nothing left
       not one thing to say
    i don't miss you
       though i should
    i should be crying
       and i would
          if i could only find the tears
             if i could only find the hidden feelings again
    but i cannot be what has to be
       and i can never be what i always wanted to be
    it can never
       fulfill my vision
          my dreams
             my silly lies

    dream silly lies
       that's all they are
    the hope is gone
       it never was at all
    i never wanted it
       but wished that i was true
    you never loved me
       and i never loved you

    you believe in bright lights
       in shiny things that make much noise
    you never bothered to see what really made that noise
       the screams of dying
    they are what drives this maddened force
    this is the way it is
       this is the way it always was
          this is the way it was meant to be

    this crazy world
       that won't conform to my wishes
    this maddened Hell
       that won't warm up a bit
    this hated life
       the one i don't want to live
    these stupid people
       the ones i only want to hurt
    this dumb mistake
       that i just have to live with every day
    this life i live
       this lie i lead
    this world i leave
    this mind i fight
    this heart i hate
    this soul ain't mine
    this soul ain't anything
    these tears don't mean anything
    these glazed eyes seeing not at all
    these frozen fingers that can't hold you
    those awful lies that are my life
    they are my reality
    they are me
    they are me
    they are
    me


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (lh)
                                                 November 15, 1993; 5:02pm
                                                 ALTAR OF APOLOGIES 26:1



    why.
    ~~~

    why do i do this to myself, my friend?
    easy - i gotta do what i can
    need to do something
    who cares what's wrong or right these days
    and who can tell anyways?

    i do my thing
    my drugs
    my women
    my life
    because i gotta
    gotta feel

    not much makes me feel these days, no way
    i'd rather feel like puking rather than feel nothing inside
    Hell, puking ain't all that bad is it?
    you lose weight, clean some stuff outta ye ol' system
    and best of all
    it hurts

    that why it feels so good to get out a blade
    and press it firmly against the skin and pull
    it feels so good
    to see
    to feel
    to feel
    the emotions pouring forth

    i don't have much emotion these days
    but i still got my good old friend, Pain
    makes me hurt
    makes me bleed
    and i love it

    why?
    cause nothing else makes me feel any more
    nothing else

    there's not much to say
    not much to do
    i'm still awake
    and i still brew
    there's no fire in me
    so i gotta get it somehow
    fuck it
    smoke it
    drink it down

    i hate having to depending on something for my emotions
    hate having to depend on something for my satisfied pain
    but i got to
    cause i need it
    need to bleed
    bleed away


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (M)
                                                 November 16, 1993; 6:23pm
                                                 SHRINE OF LIES 3:1



    Model ... under plexiglass
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    looking at you isn't enough
    holding you in my arms isn't either
    your eyes staring past me is enough
    enough to shatter the glory of the moment
    enough to break the myth
    enough to lose the feeling

    you're behind a protective glass wall
    and i can't break through it
    there's no way i can smash it
    no way to get through to you

    and i can see you
    there on the other side
    and you look happy
    almost
    i know you're hurt
    you weren't one to look hurt
    but i know you too well
    i know the truth
    but still the truth never mattered to you
    it never will either

    so there you are
    smiling away
    crying inside
    holding him tight
    as you break-down inside
    and what am i left with?

    a memory
    a fast-fading dream
    it was real, just moments ago
    but it's turning to fantasy so quick
    too fast
    too fast for me to hold on to

    i don't want to let you go
    i never wanted to let you out of my arms
    i didn't want to let you back into this hateful world
    never wanted to let you hurt
    i wanted to protect you
    maybe too much
    maybe too little
    but whatever it was
    it wasn't enough

    i couldn't hold on
    not the ride
    and not the trip

    now you're in my sight
    and your soft smile and bright eyes
    no longer bring me joy
    they bring those same tears you feel
    to me

    i want so much
    to tear those hateful emotions away
    and love you again
    but i can't
    without you loving back
    at least a little
    if you at least look back a little
    if you just give me a chance
    if you just let me try

    but you were never one for emotional types nor dancers
    you had to have your lover and had to have it there and now
    i guess i terrified you
    and so i scared you
    i was all i could be for you
    and i wasn't enough

    i'm sorry
    i'm sorry i couldn't be what you wanted
    i'm so sorry i couldn't hold on to you as tight as i should
    i'm sorry

    it's cold up here
    the wind is blowing
    it's even colder inside me
    i want to warm myself by your fire
    want to warm your cold body with mine
    i don't care what you've put me through
    i still love you
    and i wish i could say that
    with the sincerity
    that i once had

    i miss you
    it's lonely here
    without you in my arms
    it's getting colder
    i can barely see you through this fog
    i can barely see at all
    i don't want to see anything else
    i want you
    i need you
    i love you
    wish you could say that for me

    i can almost remember your soft hair against my fingers
    and the time you lost your keys in the backseat
    but you lost something else back there
    but you got so much more

    i can almost remember
    almost

    i hate this memory
    because it's a memory
    i want it to be reality
    i want it to be now
    i want you now
    i need you now
    i love you now
    let me love you
    while i still can
    let me be something
    while there's still something left
    let me embrace you
    while you're still here

    you don't know how much i've missed you

    you'll never understand what you mean to me

    you don't know what you mean to me


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (AT)
                                                 November 20, 1993; 12:13am
                                                 SHRINE OF LIES 7:3



    wasted apologies - wasted tears
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    thank you for not helping
    not that i needed it at all
    not that i gave a damn to begin with
    not that i could care any more, anyways

    thank you for not helping
    you couldn't have done anything
    other than screw things up even worse
    other than making things worse than ever

    thank you for not helping
    you couldn't have helped at all


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (LH)
                                                 November 23, 1993; 5:20pm
                                                 SHRINE OF LIES 10:7



    "What do you like to do when you are alone?"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    i like ...
    i like to cry,
      cause it shows me that i still have something inside me that can feel.
    i'd like to die,
      cause it tells me that i've still got something to live for.
    i like to drink,
      cause it let's me know that there's still something
      in me that i hate so much that i want to distill.
    i like to smoke,
      cause i need to know that something in me still needs choking.
    i like to bleed,
      cause watching it flow,
      i know that i still have some blood left in my veins.
    i like to sleep,
      because it tells me i still have something to escape from.
    i like to dream,
      cause i know from that i still have something that i fear.
    i like to pray,
      cause that makes me remember that i still have something i care about.
    i like to stare
      from darkened rooms,
      through darker windows,
      into a colder, darker world....
    i like to see myself
      in the window's reflection -
      lets me know
      that i still exist.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (AT)
                                                 November 23, 1993; 9:28pm
                                                 SHRINE OF LIES 12:1



    dead space ... buzzing
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    what am i saying
    and why do i even bother saying it?

    who am i fooling,
    and why am i even trying to fool anyone,
    when i know that i'm the fool?

    if i don't believe me, then it's all a hoax;
    if there ain't a reason, then it's a disorder -
    but if it ain't real!?

    i don't know...?

    i don't know,
    never claimed to know,
    so why am i pretending?
    but i'm not...?
    am ... i?

    what's good enough for some folks
    ain't good enough for me.

    if she likes it that way,
    i'll do it -
    even if it's not how i like to be.

    i can't get to a destination,
    if i don't even understand the road ...
    no, i don't understand self-actualization,
    cause it all seems like a load,
    cause i don't want that at all ...
    do i?

    i don't know what it all is,
    but i know how i feel -
    half a millimeter tall
    and melting fast away.

    there's nothing for me to say,
    nothing to do but nod,
    say "uh-huh"
    and go on with the next thing to come.


    i'm afraid the phone is dead, my friend -
    i'm afraid i killed it.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (AT)
                                                 November 23, 1993; 9:20pm
                                                 SHRINE OF LIES 11:1



    carrion away
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~

    you've worn me down
    like the waves of an ocean,
    on the coldness of a breaking rock

    you've dragged me down
    to where even i don't like
    to go

    damn,
    i'd like to hurt you -
    hurt you really good

    and yet
    i could never give you
    all the pain
    that you bestowed on me

    you're so giving,
    so generous with your insults ...
    you ever-bleeding bitch,
    you love-less slut
    you whore


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (JTB)
                                                 November 24, 1993; 1:24pm
                                                 SHRINE OF LIES 13:7



    "I'll go, just as long as we go as only friends."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    i don't want you
      to touch me.
    i don't know
      if i can survive it
        again.
    please
      don't understand me.
    comfort -
      i don't want.
    please,
      leave the barrier up,
        and keep the jail cell
          closed...
    it scares me,
      just the idea
        of coming
          out.

    just friends...

    stay out of my mind -
      it'll hurt too much
        when you leave -
          and i know you will...
    you'll break me -
      even if it ain't your will.
    tear my will to live up...
      wad it up...
        chuck it -
          don't,
            please.
    they always do though -
      you don't need me ...
        please.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (kn)
                                                 November 24, 1993; 1:33pm
                                                 SHRINE OF LIES 14:3



    BACK shifted...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~

    IF I COULD KILL YOU, I WOULD!
    IF I COULD RAPE YOU, I WOULD!
    IF I COULD DRIVE A HAMMER THROUGH YOUR EMPTY HEAD -
    YOU KNOW THE ANSWER:
    I WOULD,
    I WOULD,
    I WOULD!

    YOUR EMPTY DRIVEL IS ALL YOU ARE!
    YOUR GODDAMNED LIES ARE ALL YOU ARE!
    YOUR LIVID LIE ...
    YOU EMPTY LIE ...
    YOU LIE,
    YOU LIE,
    YOU LIE!

    YOU MAKE ME SICK - YOU MAKE ME HURT -
    YOU MAKE ME MAD - YOU MAKE ME ...
    YOU MAKE ME ... numb.

                    numb with hurt.
                    i can't feel ... anything.
                    i can't even scream it out -
                    i can't even let it out.
                    i'm so frustrated,
                    i'm so damned angry -
                    and i feel so damn cold.
                    i don't want this -
                    i don't need this ...
                    i'm so scared -
                    so frightened -
                    so frigid ...
                    so alone.

                    i only feel one thing: regret.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (JTB^-b-)
                                                 November 24, 1993; 2:24pm
                                                 SHRINE OF LIES 15:1



    give me your thanks...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    thanks ... for what?
    thanks for not helping.
    thanks for stepping aside.
    thanks for not calling.
    thanks for not even looking up.
    thanks for not asking.
    thanks for not keeping your mouth shut.
    thank you for not trying -
    thanks a lot.

    thank you so much
    for all you've done for me.
    thanks for trampling me
    when i was in need.
    thank you for kicking me
    when i was down.
    thanks for spitting on me
    when i lay on the ground.

    thanks all a lot
    for all the trouble you brought.
    thanks for digging up my buried troubles
    and showing them off.
    thank you for not bothering to understand what i meant.
    thanks a lot - i owe you my leg.

    thank you so deeply
    for hitting me each time i let my guard down.
    thank you for laughing
    as tears fell from my eyes.
    thanks for being amused
    when i tried as best as i could.
    thank you for hiding
    when i needed you so.
    thank you for showing up
    when all i could do was hide my soul.
    thank you so very,
    very much -
    you bastard,
    you whore,
    you whino,
    you preacher,
    you liar,
    you thief,
    you retched belief,
    you lie,
    you immortal,
    you despicable truth,
    you fact,
    you derision,
    you malice,
    you crime ...

    you bag of hot air.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (S)
                                                 November 24, 1993; 4:30pm
                                                 SHRINE OF LIES 15:8



    a note on resignation
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    gonna break you down -
        my crumbling idol,
        my fallen soul.

    tear you down -
        my maddened hatred,
        you love-less whore.

    there's nothing for you to show.

    there's so much for you to do.

    you're nothing -
        and yet my dust is being blown clean for you.

    you miserable delusion...
    you terrible curse...
    you diseased creation...
    you blackened bruise -
        i hate you.

    our terminal and mutual illness -
        shared like a sick love affair....

    our freakish lie -
        twisted by hands so skilled....

    this fucking life -
        so empty and like a wall....

    and i'm gonna break you...
    gonna fuck you...
    gonna rape you...
    my darling sweetheart...
    my loving bitch...
    my lustful animal -
        tear you apart.

    with my teeth -
        slowly and steadily.
    piece by piece -
        tendon by tendon,
        limb to limb.

    i hate you,
        damnit.

    i hate you like myself...
    i hate you cause you're my self...
    i hate you cause you're me...
    i hate you cause you might be...
    i don't wanna watch your birthing...
    i don't wanna watch my death...
    i don't wanna be displaced so soon...
    i don't wanna be replaced....

    and yet my grip is slipping -
        you're coming stronger,
        howling with ever growing force.
    you're biting at my heels...
    you're drooling on my knees...
    you're tearing out my last legs.

    i know i can only kill you one way -
        one way only.
    i know only i can prevent your creation -
        prevent you from replacing this reality.

    only way,
    only one way,
    only one ...
    only one of us can stay alive.
    only one of us can live -
    one must be torn apart.

    the war of the factions
    is coming together -
    coming apart at the seams.

    you may have drugged me,
    you may have fucked me,
        but i'm still kicking.
    you may have made me dependent,
    you may have made me reliant,
        but i'm still trying.
    you may have bled me,
    you may have shattered me,
        but i'm still fighting.
    you may have broken my legs,
    you may have severed my lines,
        but i'm still crawling.

    i'm going to go out fighting,
        i'm going out with style,
            i'm going out with passion,
                with a bang -
                    with a smile.

    when you beat me,
    whenever you finally win -
    there won't be much of a victory ...
    i'll make damned sure of that - you bastard son.

    when you kill me,
    whenever you finally break me down -
    there won't be much left of me to conquest ...
    i'll make damned sure of that - my illegitimate sweetheart.

    when you win...
    when you win...
    there won't be anything left
        of me for you to control,
        to rule,
        to abuse,
        to molest,
        to vacate,
        to corrode,
        to corrupt,
        to empty,
        to refill,
        to seduce
        and infest.

    you'll never have me -
    you'll never have alive ...
    i'll make damned sure of that.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (TBDOP)
                                                 November 29, 1993; 2:32am
                                                 SHRINE OF LIES 19:6



    another mourning after...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    time to fess up for your doings,
      time to confess your sins.
    time to pay the punishment,
      time to start and bleed.
    you're the cause of your problems,
      the reasons for pain are yours.
    here comes the judgement -
      hear the call.
    there's just one moment left,
      only a bleeding second to go -
    time to look her in the eye ...
      is this where you belong?

    she didn't mean anything to you,
      but that ain't right.
    she meant nothing,
      but you fucked her alright.
    she was just a horny little slut,
      and she got what she wanted.
    you got your sucking really good,
      so why are you complaining?

    cause it wasn't real,
      it ain't more than a fantasy.
    it isn't even a dream -
      no even that.
    it's like a wet dream in a drought...
      like a lightbulb without light...
        this sex without love.

            i can't love a woman,
              if i can't get outta bed with her -
                 and not have a shred of respect for her at all.

            she tried hard,
              she made me hard -
                if just for a few minutes.

            but still i didn't get what i wanted,
              i didn't have what i wanted to hold ...


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (at^DF)
                                                 November 29, 1993; 1:30pm
                                                 GRAVID MANIFEST 1:9



    lack of apathy
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    what is there to do?
      what is there to say -
    when all there is to do
      is to cry the days away?

    what is this fight for
      if we know the battle's lost?

    and if we're all just losers,
      what's the reason for our loss?

    this slow deterioration,
      is just a path to our graves.

    this cheap imagination,
      never was enough, anyways.

    when our dreams are never realized,
      at least we don't get caught.

    so it's all just is an illusion -
      all we take as fact is not.

    and this is just a delusion -
      though it really was fun some days.
    but i really shouldn't glorify this -
      this waste of our days.


    oh oh ...
    what is gone
      is gone forever.
    what is lost
      ain't here today.
    what was forgotten
      won't be remembered.
    what i am
      ain't here today

    and it's nothing,
      nothing at all.
    don't feel a thing at all...
    don't want you at all...
    don't care any more...
    don't care - at all....

    this reality ain't mine,
      this world ain't devine.
    this lie is my life,
      this life is a lie.

    i don't want this,
      i don't need it,
        i shouldn't be here any more.

    i despise this world -
      regret is all we are....

    this illusion...
      this mirage...
        this derision...
          this hollow life....

    and i don't like it,
      don't want it.
    don't need to take
      another breath.

    don't wanna wake up tomorrow,
      don't wanna live another day.

    i don't wanna look in your eyes ...
    i don't wanna say, "I'm sorry."
    i don't wanna have to compromise,
      don't wanna have to fight.
        fight or die -
          well,
            i'd rather die.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (sm)
                                                 November 30, 1993; 2:02am
                                                 GRAVID MANIFEST 2:8



    temporary defrosting
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    it just happens at that hour of the night,
      when there's so few people left,
        when it gets so dark and so cold.
    all you want is a little warmth -
      a little comfort,
        something to hold.
    nothing seems all that bad at the moment -
      as the chill starts to numb your mind and all.
    it just hurts so much to walk home -
      alone into the dark.

    all alone together -
      together all alone....
    somehow it's worth the trouble,
      it's worth the crying-yourself-to-sleep
        for letting your feelings exploit you.
    somehow it's worth the pain of knowing
      that this one-night-stand
        ain't much at all.
    a fall of passion,
      a failed love -
        falling out of love,
          with a soft, moist thud ...
            of a tear falling on frigid cement.

    this time of the year is hard on the soul,
      cruel on the heart,
        and so damned cold.

    just pushing a little close,
      inside we come apart.
    we don't care about the consequences -
      just want one more,
        one more moment in the dark.

    the dark is all forgiving -
      it lets us hide.
    we are all beautiful
      under its blinding veil.
    but no words are muttered,
      as feelings bleed,
        emotions wander off
          and die like road-killed animals -
            and yet we flow on.

    holding on for just another moment,
      another second -
        just to keep from being alone ...
    but lonely we always will be.
      lost and lonely is all we are.
        all alone is all we are.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (AT)
                                                 December 1, 1993; 3:26am
                                                 GRAVID MANIFEST 4:2



    the cursed paladin
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    you said you were happy,
       but you were just safe.
    you said you were warm,
       but you are still just hanging on the edge.
    you said you were satisfied -
       but i know no one could be enough for you.
    i've tried to be all i could be -
       don't even know if i was enough for me....
    you said you've turned your life around -
       that all's well and all is better...
    the truth is you've surrendered,
       and i'm the one who lost.

    i was but your partisan,
       a mercenary of passion -
          but now that the war has been lost and is over,
             you lie surrendered,
                i wander among the ruins -
                   lost and alone.

    i fought my hardest,
       tried harder than anyone could,
          but you couldn't stand the victory -
             the conquest of our love was your end -
                and still i couldn't keep from loving you ...
                   i never could resist ...
                      and i never will be able to.

    i'll never recover,
       never get over you.
    looking into your mourning eyes
       tears me down to pieces.
    standing in your icy aura
       forms those hard crystals in my heart.
    i'm getting colder,
       ever colder in your billowing blizzard.
    i'm losing feeling,
       losing you ...
          losing myself.

    no one could replace you -
       you are one of a kind.
    you are my demon,
       my lover,
          my frozen funeral pyre.

    i need you like i've never needed you before.
    i haven't wanted you the way i've wanted you before ...
    you're all i've got left of myself.
    you're all that i need -
       and you're so very slowly trying to rid yourself of me.

    i helped you more than you could thank me for,
       you've saved me and given me more than i could ever repay.
    you are my goal -
       my purpose ...
          the scream of my dying soul.
    now you say you're feeling better,
       and you're better off without me ...
          but your eyes tell me you are lying,
             and if i said that, i'd be lying too.

    you were my truest Goddess -
       i still worship you,
          yet you needed me,
             your faithful follower,
                to keep loving you.

    in this mutual osmosis,
       we feed from each other's wastes,
          we live off our mistakes,
             we thrive off our insecurities,
                and die from our victories.

    i pray i may once again fight by your side in battle -
       i'd gladly die for you....


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (AT^Tr^St.E)
                                                 December 6, 1993; 1:13pm
                                                 GRAVID MANIFEST 15:4



    neutral grey plastic snowflake
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    so far ... you were so far away from me.

    we spent the night together,
    but you were never near me.

    you didn't even pretend to enjoy yourself.
    didn't even pretend to like me.

    you never even held me,
    while i held you in my arms....

    you were absent from this reality mentally,
    you were absent from this reality physically too...

    you never were there -
    and i couldn't get closer to you.

    you pushed away like a repelling magnet -
    you ran as if you were scared.

    you wouldn't even let me hold you,
    wouldn't let me rest my head.

    i tried my best,
    couldn't have tried harder...

    there was not one thing i could have done more.

    i could say you hurt my feelings,
    but you only dented my heart.

    i couldn't cry too much for you,
    i didn't lose too much at all.

    my loss was all cosmetic -
    just a bit of cash, that's all.

    so how much were you worth to me?
    exactly fifty-eight dollars and twenty-seven cents.

    i guess you were worth more than that,
    but not to me,
    and not to you.

    so a night later we're still strangers.

    who was i?
    who were you?


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (AT^St.E^TR^S)
                                                 December 6, 1993; 1:24pm
                                                 GRAVID MANIFEST 16:8



    broken sparrow
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    do you feel like the world's collapsing?
    do you feel like the stars are falling from the sky?
    and the rain, the rain is falling down so gently....

    there's no tomorrow - no today
    and i won't be here anyways.
    i'm being washed, washed away,
    so very slowly ... so carefully.
    i don't believe in much these days,
    i have nuttin' to believe in.
    my hope is lost,
    my flame extinguished.
    and the rain, the rain is falling down so gently....

    i don't exist here,
    i don't even live here any more.
    this world's a prison,
    my life's the bars.
    it won't let me escape itself,
    won't let me ever shut my eyes.
    i'm fallin'-tired,
    my legs withdraw under my weight.
    my aching head,
    so full of fallen dreams....
    i am corroding,
    and the malice keeps pouring on....
    and the rain, the rain is falling down....

    and the rain, the rain is falling down so gently....
    it's all i have left,
    it's all i have been,
    it's all i will be....
    it holds me tight in moistened bonds
    on darkened nights - alone together.
    my heart is bleeding,
    it pours my blood into the drain.
    there ain't much left,
    not all that much of me, today.
    and tomorrow - even less....
    and the rain, the rain is falling down so gently....

    i am a stain,
    on cold bedsheets.
    i am a pain,
    walking the streets.
    i am the lame,
    my numbness suffocates me now.
    i am the cold,
    i am the frozen.
    i am the lost,
    i am alone.
    and i ain't gonna last much longer -
    not gonna survive this drowning life much more.

    and now the rain, the rain is falling down....
    and now the rain, the rain is falling down....
    and now the rain, the rain is falling down so gently....


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (lh)
                                                 December 10, 1993; 4:53pm
                                                 GRAVID MANIFEST 20:4



    raingutter royalty
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    no excuses
    no apologies
    naked i came
    barren i stayed

    never had the opportunity
    never had a third choice
    always either had to live or die

    there was no time to feel sorry
    never a moment to rest
    not a second to collect my thoughts

    pushing
    always pushing
    and i always hit the ground running
    else i'd break my legs in the fall
    and lay alone in cold misery

    there were no questions
    no options
    no turning back
    it always had to be
    the way it was meant to be

    the internal program - flawed
    and my body could never contain me
    it was always my barrier
    my trap
    my prison of flesh and filth
    plaguing me with its selfishness
    its unspoken pity
    and that wasn't an excuse either

    always kept aloft and afloat by sheer willpower
    sheer unbending passion

    no trust
    no friends
    no enemies
    always was me and them
    myself against the machine
    me against the masses
    i against the world

    but that all was a decision made
    long ago for me
    and to it i bow down
    bend like a reed in the wind
    flow downstream with
    and no tear was shed

    no feelings allowed to be hurt
    for the iron soul mustn't ever break
    though it can melt far too easily
    in the cold rains and scalding emotions
    with no time to cry

    existence is one long nightmare
    black steed ever riding into the blackness of night
    ever betrayed
    ever raging
    ever running

    the dark never lifts
    it's just one long twilight
    never lightens
    never stops raining
    never
    never stops
    never waits
    never gives me a chance to catch up
    not once stays long enough to adjust
    always breaks
    and always dies
    and the blame always passes to me

    the final pall-bearer
    losing and draining and emptying
    everything
    everything i have
    everything i am

    the less i have
    the more i gain
    and on i stand....


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (S^TR)
                                                 December 12, 1993; 9:46pm
                                                 MALEVOLENT LETHRAGY 2:4



    victim of gravity
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    another moment passes
    another mistake falls behind
    another tear hits the ground below
    another second of my wasted life ticks by

    so here i am
    without trust
    without love
    simply alone

    wake up in my vomit
    fall asleep to my tears
    barely breathing through the mucus
    trudging on with broken limbs

    my head like a hole
    prosthetic heart doesn't feel
    doesn't feel at all

    that's why i'm still here
    that's why i've been blessed with survival
    this is why i'm cursed with the luxury of the living

    and it's still not cold enough
    not cold enough for me
    i can still live
    can still breath once more
    can struggle against my terminal bonds
    can stagger on into the rancid hatefulness

    the blood is dripping from my hands
    yet i feel not a thing
    maybe a bit of pity and self-disappointment
    maybe a bit of regret, but that is all

    i have grown accustom
    i have accepted my reality
    i have adjusted to this timid reich

        . . .

    a scapegoat's shattered determination
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    the gradual conditioning
    strength through weakness
    the more i lose
    the more i gain
    got a whole lot less
    and a whole lot more

    i am growing
    growing stronger
    growing away
    withering to weakness
    falling ahead
    rotting behind
    breaking apart
    pulling to pieces
    but glowing on
    in the darkened sky
    for just a second
    for just a moment
    before my flames die out
    before my flames tear me apart
    before my flames are my undoing

    and i'm flowing
    dribbling
    in systematic declination
    global desolation
    mass derangement
    towards total frigidity
    toward a complete freezing-over

    frustration is my bed fellow
    bitterness is my soul's taste
    sheer willpower fuels my hatred
    stubborn forcefulness for ever pushing me on


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (Tr)
                                                 December 13, 1993; 6:04pm
                                                 MALEVOLENT LETHRAGY 6:3



    laxatives, razorblades and rejections
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    don't touch me
    let go of my arm
    stop pretending you like me
    stop faking that you care about my life

    i don't want to hear it
    i don't want to listen to you talk
    all you do is babble
    your words are nothing
    nothing at all

    you have so little to say
    yet you spend so much time saying it
    and you don't mind bullying to get your pointless point across

    but i don't want to listen to it
    don't want to be drowning in your sewage
    your shallow fantasies and soap-opera dramatism

    but i can ignore your words
    and i can ignore your touch
    but it's so much harder...

    stop pushing me
    stop pulling me along with you
    i don't want to go
    i don't want to go with you

    i am glad that you know me
      better than i know me
    i am happy that you understand me
      better than i could myself
    you're better than me
      good for you

    but that's not what i believe
    and i won't tell you what to do
    i don't want to waste my time on these lies
    this small talk

    i deplore you
    i hate this all
    i don't want it
    don't want to be here any more

    your wretched lie
    is not one that i'm going to buy

    your pitiful griefs
    are not going to get any pity from me

    go away
    leave me alone
    i don't want to pretend
    and i don't want to go along

    shut up
    turn away
    if you don't
    i'll just walk away
    so i can still ignore
    ignore all that you say

    it's making me colder
    with every bit of ignorance i take
    the farther i leave this world behind

    i don't want to go
    but it's better than staying here

    i can't handle
    lowering myself to your standards
    flushing my understanding and feelings down the drain

    left entombed in bitter hollowness
    trapped alone in this dark room
    trapped alone in the dark hole of my aura
    flattened into silent, apathetic lucidity
    splayed unto the hateful resentment
    and i can't even cry
    cause i don't feel

    one rejection after another
    one extermination follows the next
    one desperation choked off and another
    broken anticipation evaporating slowly away
    watching the sheep go off the cliff - one follows the other away

    i hate using shit for lubrication
    cannot live with this cannibalistic lie
    don't want to have to worry about procrastination
    want more from life than perpetual, mutual masturbation

    trawling for understanding
    turns me inside out
    all my feelings are incarnating
    into blood
    into vomit
    into lies

    this isn't my world
    this isn't real
    this isn't me
    this isn't
    anything
    for me


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (lh)
                                                 December 14, 1993; 4:34pm
                                                 MALEVOLENT LETHRAGY 8:5



    self reproach
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    welcome to my nightmare
    welcome to my hate
    come in, look around and kick the tires
    come right in and see the breaks
    wander down my dark tunnels
    check out my filthied halls
    smell my rancid bedroom
    taste my putrid woes

    in my darken nightmare
    in my forever night
    through my perpetual falling
    down into my life's respite

    come on down to my waters
    see how they flow so slow
    watch the river for hours
    now you just flow along

    burning in the middle cornfields
    on a stake, and all alone
    no one there to see you
    just the crows waitin' for your bones

    stranded in the dungeon
    trapped into a cell
    no leaving today or tomorrow
    just left to rot in this Hell

    drowning in the middle of oceans
    waves are all that i see
    i cannot see a shelter
    all there is is the sea

    and i am not getting bitter
    it may make me drown
    but it won't make me jealous
    i know what i've become

    don't show me no imitations
    i'm no mannequin to you
    i was always nothing
    always nothing to you

    no remorse and no sorrow
    no regrets and no pain
    no forgiving or forgetting
    no apologies from me, no way

    abandoned in the well of dreams
    alone to walk the dark
    found out what i was looking for
    saw it all deep in my heart

    stood there shivering
    then slowly started to laugh
    couldn't comprehend it all
    all that i am

    all that i am
    all that i'm not
    all i've become
    all i have lost

    no tomorrow
    no today
    no yester-memories
    all false lies - melting away

    i can see in the darkness
    that i created myself
    i can differentiate this reality
    from this false mess

    and there the mess is floating
    and there's only one thing to do
    without any apologies
    i flush it all down too


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (KK^LH)
                                                 December 17, 1993; 12:43am
                                                 MALEVOLENT LETHRAGY 12:1



    UNPLUGGED
    ~~~~~~~~~

    there sits god smokin' a stogie
    sipping from a blue plastic cup
    wearing a pair of torn-up blue jeans
    his blond hair's a filthied mop

    half-a-week's worth of growth
      decorates his chin
    a smile of total depravity
      weakly graces his lips

    surrounded by wooden guitars
    dozens of flowers around
    a million glowing candles
    burning into cold night

    bleeding in front of the public
    torn apart for the crowd
    shattered for the sake of entertainment
    battered by the proud

    no soft-spoken words does he say
    no kindness, no caring, no love
    he ain't waiting for a miracle
    he is just here long enough

    watches from the runway
    quietly eyes the crowd
    in midst of spiritual mourning
    clapping erupts out loud

    the pasteurized messiah
    boxed and boarded-up
    hears the words, "That sounded good."
    and all he spits out is, "Shut up."


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (KK)
                                                 December 17, 1993; 1:07am
                                                 MALEVOLENT LETHRAGY 13:3



    shut-away
    ~~~~~~~~~

    look aside
    watch me over
    pass on by
    walk on over
    to the mirror
    cold and hard
    stare at all
    that you're not

    you're going
    you're going the whole way now
    no turning back no running home
    can't shut your eyes
    it's all too real now
    can't block away
    the world
    beyond
    my pores

    can't hide away
    can't close my eyes
    can't rest a while

    there's no beginning
    and no end
    just a loop
    and here we go again

    time to leave
    time to walk away
    time has come to
    shut the world away


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (th)
                                                 December 17, 1993; 5:52pm
                                                 MALEVOLENT LETHRAGY 14:1



                                       

      Anyways, I've wasted enough of your  valuable time and brain cells, so I
 honestly hope you have enjoyed the poetry that I've  written.   I  also  hope
 that  some of the stuff written has 'rubbed-up' on you and has or will change
 your life and that of others somehow for the better.  Take care.

                                                    -Igal Koshevoy


         Ŀ
           Copyright 1993 Igal Koshevoy, all rights reserved!  
          "Mess wit' mah' poems n' 'Ah break ya' finghas!"  -JTB 
         

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