
GUI Health Care - The Real Deal
by Greg Borek

Mr. Miller?  Mr. Miller, can you hear me?

Oh, my head.  Wh...Where am I?

You're in the hospital, Mr. Miller.

The hospital?  What happened?  Ow... What happened to my head?  My
wife didn't hit me with that frying pan again, did she?

No, Mr. Miller, but try not to move.  You have sustained some rather
intense internal injuries.  The pain will be a little severe for a
while, but your condition will soon improve.  What can you remember?

Well, everything is a little fuzzy.  I seem to remember sitting at my
computer at home.  I was playing a game of Wolfenstein I think.  No,
wait, I was finishing my bowling program.

Bowling program?

Yes, doctor, I was writing a program to keep track of my bowling
league.

Are you a programmer then?

No, I own a feed and grain business.  Nothing much, but it pays the
bills.  I dabble a little in programming on my old 286.  I couldn't
find a program that did just what I wanted.  Bowling league
statistics are nothing to be trifled with, you know.  There is some 
quite complex mathematics involved.

Go on.  This is most interesting.  Give me as many details as you
can, but please, take it easy; you've suffered quite a severe trauma.

I'll try, Doctor.  Yes, my head seems to be clearing a bit.  I was
working in Turbo Pascal version 3.3.  That's right; I remember now.
I was putting the final touches on the program when I decided to
check to see whether I should release the program as shareware.  It's
all coming back to me now.  I was looking at a PC Magazine when it
struck me: the program was just so,...so inadequate.  Sure, it
worked.  It worked fine, no bugs, just what I needed, but it wasn't,
you know, Windows.  I needed to put it into some GUI.  Drop menus.
Mouse support.  And Wizards, had to have those hypertext help
screens.  Ow.... 

Calm down, Mr. Miller, don't yourself get so excited.

It's just,...there was just so much to learn!  I felt so...so
inadequate.  I realized I needed to get the program out on CD-ROM or
it would never sell.  Installation routines.  Where to start?  Ow...

Mr. Miller, try to relax.  You have already pulled one muscle in
your brain already.  (Nurse, get a sedative).

I mean, I wrote a valid program.  It did what I wanted.  Without
bugs.  And now it's not good enough.  I, ow,... I thought DOS was a
good thing.  I thought having just anybody, even someone like me who
isn't a professional programmer, able to write programs in their
garage was a benefit.  I mean, even I might come up with a real
innovation!  Ow..., ugh.  (Clunk).

Doctor, he's gone.  We lost him.

No, nurse, we lost him a while ago.  And good riddance.

What?  Doctor Gates, you can't be serious?

Of course I am, nurse.  I've had it up to here with these make-
believe techo-weenies thinking they are real programmers.
Programming used to be, well, exalted.  It used to be done by clever
men in long white coats in large, refrigerated rooms.  They were
highly paid and highly respected.  Shareware?  Bah!  Don't you
understand?  We have to make all PC software in Windows using
programming languages that take months for the average schmoe to
climb the precipitous learning curve.  This man was clearly a danger
to the mystery and power of programming.  Don't you see?  We have to
make programming more difficult!

Doctor, if everything is written for Windows, doesn't that also put
billions of more dollars in you pocket?

Yes, but I'm not doing this for the money.  It's...it's just the
principle of the thing.  Besides, this way I have even more control
of the lemmings out there.  The sheep will follow me anywhere, won't
they?  Ha, ha, ha! (Diabolical laughter).

[Microsoft has made between $100 and $250 million in the time it took
you to read this, based on how fast you read - ed.]             {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire.  Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129.  Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net

