
The Tech Support Line
by Ray Koziel

I just don't get it Fred!  We just bought this multimedia system
and the sound system doesn't seem to be working!  Are you sure we
tried EVERYTHING in the manual?

I tell you George, I've looked over every page in this book and have
found all I can.  Why don't we try calling the technical support
people? 

Are you kiddin'?!  Every time I call one of those things I get
frustrated beyond belief!  They are not as friendly as they want you
to believe!

Well, it's worth a shot.  Dial 'em up on the speaker phone and we
can both take 'em on.

Alright Fred...but I have a bad feeling about this.  Look!  It's not
even an 800 number!  How cheap can you get!

<BOOP-BEEP-BIP-BOOP-BOOP-BIP-BEEP-BEEP-BOOP-BOOP-BIP>

Hello and thank you for calling Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Enterprise's
Customer Service Line!  Here at Dewey, Cheetum and Howe we believe a
happy customer is a buying customer, so we have arranged the
following services to assist you.  Please choose from the following
menu.  For product information, dial 1.  To check on an order, dial
2.  For technical support, dial 3.  To...

<BIP>

You are now connected to the Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Technical
Support Line, where we have quality, courteous technicians waiting
to answer any questions about problems you may have with our
products.  To better serve you, please choose one of the following.
For hardware support, dial 1...

Woah!  Wait a minute George!  I've learned never to dial the first
option.  Just wait...

...oftware support, dial 2.  For multimedia support, dial 3...

See, told you George!

But what's the difference?  Isn't speakers hardware?

Yeah, but there's software operating those speakers too.

... input has been received.  Please enter an option within the next
minute or you will be taken back to the main menu.

Quick!  Do something!!

What?  Which one?

I dunno...there!

<BOOP>

Hello, you are connected to the Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Software
Support Line...

Software Support!  You chose Software Support!!

Well George, you rushed me to make a decision there.  I just picked
one at random.

...where current wait time is ten minutes for this queue.  Please
wait for the next available technician.

[Garth Brooks singing "Achy-Breaky Heart" can be heard thru the
speaker] 

Perfect!  Not only do we have to wait ten minutes, but we're waiting
for something that is going to be of no help to us whatsoever!

Now wait a minute George, you yourself said that software is a part
of this as much as hardware, maybe this will work out ok.

You better hope so...wait a minute...shhhh!

A technician is now available to assist you.  To help the technician
assist your call, please answer the following questions:...

What?!

I said, please answer the following questions.  No wonder you need
help.  If you have a CompuFritz 486 DX2, press 1...

<BEEP>

Please enter the 10 digit code number found on the underside of the
hardrive...

What?!  Quick!  Pop the computer open and get the number!

Still waiting for input.  If no input is received in one minute, you
will be placed back on the service queue...

Quick, Fred!  Quick!!  What's the flamin' number?!

<BIP BIP BEEP BOOP BIP BOOP BEEP BEEP BIP BOOP>

It's about time, slow poke.  Now enter the number found in the third
line of page 246, divided by 4 and taken to the 13th power.

You gotta be kiddin'!

No I'm not.

Alright, alright!  Here...

<BIP BEEP BOOP BEEP BIP BIP BOOP BEEP>

Thank you, you will now be transferred to a technician.

Hello, thank you for calling Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Software
Support.  My name is Dirk, how may I help ya?

Yes, hello, my name is Fred and I'm setting up a computer that I just
received and I can't seem to get the sound system to work.

What kinda computer ya got?

I already entered that into the system.

Oh I never read that stuff...just a big pain in the butt.

Hmmmmmm...I see.  I have a CompuFritz 486 DX2 multimedia system.

Didja read the operator's manual?

Yes.

Didja look over the troubleshooting guide?

Yes!  I wouldn't be calling if I didn't!

Fred, calm down...

Welp, sorry.  Cain't help ya.  Sounds like multimedia ta me.  Lemme
transfer ya over dere...

Wait!  You can't just...

Welcome to the Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Multimedia Support Line.
Here you will receive answers to any questions you may have regarding
your multimedia system.  Current waiting time in this queue is 45
minutes.

Forty-five minutes?!  You gotta be crazy!

Fred, just calm down.

Oh bite me, George!

[Forty-five minutes pass, listening to such classic artists as
Menudo, Boy George, and Weird Al Yankovic]

Ok, it's been about forty-five minutes.  They should be putting us
through anytime now.  And this time we're ready for them.  Still got
those numbers George?"

Yep, right here...oh!  Here we go!

A technician is now available to assist you.  To allow the technician
to better assist you, please answer the following questions:...

Lay 'em on me!

If you have a CompuFritz DX2, press 1...

<BEEP>

Please enter the 16 digit code number found on the inside of the back
panel of the monitor...

What?!  You asked for the code number underneath the hard drive
before!  You can't do that!

Oh yes we can...enter the code.

Argghhh!

George...here's the number, calm down.

Shuddupya@$&*!

<BEEP BEEP BOOP BIP BOOP BIP BEEP BOOP BOOP BIP BEEP BIP BIP BOOP BIP
BIP> 

Please enter the number of cups in a quart multiplied by the number
of bushels in a peck plus the number of square feet in an acre.

This is unbelievable!

Just do it George, we're almost there.

<BOOP BOOP BIP BEEP>

Thank you, you will now transferred to a technician.

Sorry the offices of Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Enterprises are now
closed for the evening.  Please call back during our regular
business hours, Monday through Friday from 9:00 AM to 5:00PM EST.
Thank you for calling.

Tough break man, it is 5:01 though.  But guess what!  While we were
waiting on the line I discovered that the power switch on the
speakers was installed backwards.  So this whole time we thought they
were on, they were actually off.  Pretty fun huh?

Erck gook blick ack pht gark...

George?  What's with you?  You're looking and sounding like one of
the Brothers Grunt.

Ooog blorg blif grack yarg...

George!?  Hey, what are ya gonna do with that monitor man?  Don't
drop in man...or you'll have to call technical support to get it
fixed.  Ha ha...he he..he...George?  No!  Wait!  I was only joking
George!  George!  Geeoooorrrgggggeeee.....!!                    {RAH}
--------------
Ray Koziel lives in Atlanta, Georgia with his wife and one and a half
children.  When asked about his thoughts on the information super-
highway, Ray replied that it was a "pretty nifty idea" but wondered
"how we could drive a car small enough to fit through a telephone
line."  Ray can be reached via Compu$erve at 73753,3044 or via the
Internet at 73753.3044@compuserve.com, which is most convenient.

