
People In The News
by Robert Hankins

Alice Cooper has a new release out: "Flush My Career".  We used to
think that Alice Cooper was the embodiment of, and spokesman for,
America's angst-ridden youth.  Then again, we used to think that
Supertramp was cool.  But let's take a closer look at Alice Cooper,
shall we?  Take away the make-up and the shock theatrics and what
have you got?  A fifty year old man running around on stage with a
snake.  The new compact disk has very little to offer musically.  The
snake isn't even on it, even though he appears on the cover(with
Alice, natch).  The CD fails mostly because of Cooper's reluctance to
actually sing any of the songs.  Instead he recites his big hits such
as "Eighteen" in a Richard III type of voice.  Ever notice how stupid
a song sounds when you recite the lyrics?  Try this test.  Put on
your most dramatic voice, hold a skull in one hand and do the chorus
of the Beatles' "Drive My Car".  It doesn't count unless you do the
the "beep beep, yeah!" part.  So to Alice's alleged "comeback", we
say, "go away."  But apparently he won't.  Cooper's manager sent us a
pre-release of Alice's new cookbook for bachelors and other single
people in general.  Entitled "Alice's Cafeteria", it features such
recipes as "Fettucini Carbonara"(bacon with Kraft macaroni and
cheese), "Alice's New York Open-Faced Turkey Sandwich"(Louis Rich
turkey cuts on toast), and "Veal Cutlets"(veal cutlets ---- "don't
grill 'em or they'll burn!" warns a concerned Alice).  The book
boasts many photos of Alice and the snake dressed in chef's outfits
and threatening each other with spatulas.  Of course, for the three
dollars they would normally spend on the book, patrons could purchase
a double quarter pounder with cheese. 

>> Deaths/Obituaries <<

RAH takes at least some regret in announcing the death of David
Steinberg's career.  The career took its own life after the fifteen
zillionth consecutive joke about Moldavia, July 14th, on The Jay Leno
Show.  Pallbearers included the careers of Dick Cavett, Mike Douglas,
and Bachman Turner Overdrive.  Said Cavett: "We kept telling David to
change his schtick, but he wouldn't listen.  He'd had a big head ever
since he directed an episode of 'The Mommies' and well, I guess he
thought he was immortal or something."

"The Arsenio Hall Show" ----- after five years Hall quit his show
rather than face cancellation by Paramount.  A visibly shaken Harvey
Fierstein, habitual guest of the program, said, "What will I do now?
Letterman's booked until 1998.  I love Conan O'Brien's hair but he's
just Too Harvard.  And Regis and Kathy give me the snoozies.  Ruff
Ruff!  What about that nice Byron Allen, he's still on isn't he?"

"Star Trek: TNG" -------- Another Paramount show.  For seven years
the cast complained that they were serious actors whose talents were
wasted on kiddie science fiction.  So when producer Rick Berman
pulled the plug you'd think they'd be happy.  Instead they all gave
tearful interviews saying, "I can't believe it's over; the show was
so popular!"  Hey Riker, see you at the next convention when it comes
time to put a new foundation on your house.                     {RAH}
--------------
Robert Hankins lives in Lake Charles, LA.  He doesn't like 
technical humor, so he's blackmailing RAH's editor to publish
more of the other kinds, especially stuff written by Robert himself.

