
The Incredible Shrinking Department
by Jerry Weichbrodt         

Good afternoon, Smithers.  I always say a Friday afternoon is an
excellent time to discuss disbursement of personnel.  Don't you think
so, Smithers?

Oh yes, of course, sir.

Good.  Let's see, now.  How long have the rumors been flying about
the elimination of your--what was the name of that department, again?

Electrical Widget Engineering, sir.

Right, right.  Hmm, now I seem to recall that talk has been going on
for about two years about disbanding that redundant group of yours.
What do you say we start making it happen, hmmm?

Whatever you say, sir.

That's the spirit!  After two years, I expect we have the people well
softened up and ready for the change.  I trust you have been working
hard to keep the people's morale up with those sappy posters about
having the employees' best interest at heart?  I particularly like
the poster that talks about teamwork and caring in this time of harsh
external pressures. 

Yes, sir, the employees like that one, too.

Oh, how can you tell?

By the way they have devoted so much attention to it.  Someone even
used a compass to draw some very nice concentric circles on it.  I'm
not sure where all the other holes in it came from.  Probably have to
have the wall it's hanging on repainted after we take it down.

That's good.  It got their attention.

Our employee bulletin board has gotten a lot of attention, too.  I've
seen some innovative artwork on it recently. 

Oh?

Yes, sir.  Someone used one of our 50,000-dollar CAD packages to make
a very stylized price list showing the various categories of employee
and their going price. 

Innovative use of resources, indeed.

Yes, sir.  Then there was the note from one employee saying something
about, "will work for food."

That shows great initiative.  Hmmm ... will work for food... shows
good promise for cafeteria staff.  You know one of our latest
innovations is the realization that all employees are
interchangeable. 

Yes, sir.  In fact we have been taking that into account in the way
we do things in the department lately. 

Oh?

Yes.  You may be aware that we have recently had a lot of employees
transferring out of the department before things really go to pieces.

What!!!! How could you let that happen! Have you forgotten your
responsibility to keep them dangling till the last possible moment,
just in case I might change my mind? (Fat chance!) 

I know, sir, but they've been very persistent.  We--I mean they--
think you might have sort of a nasty streak and be just stringing
them along.  Anyway, we have had quite a flood of people leaving the
department, so we've brought in contract help.

Good move, Smithers! Get the work done without having to pay those,
yuck, benefits. 

My thought exactly, sir, and, really, those hippies I brought in from
the local commune haven't done badly at all at circuit design and
programming.  I've managed to show 5 out of 8 of them where the On-
Off switch is on the computer. 

Splendid.  Remember, employees are just interchangeable parts in the
big corporate machine.  If they weren't, they wouldn't look so much
alike. 

Thank you, sir.  Is there anything else?

Hmmm, ..., yes, there was one more thing.  YOU weren't thinking of
leaving for another position, were you, Smithers? 

No indeed, sir.  I hate the cafeteria food.  I've decided to wait and
ride it out after all.
-------------
Jerry Weichbrodt is an electrical engineer with General Motors in 
Milford, Michigan.  He's also a new father, so a sense of humor 
is particularly important to him.  His Internet address is:
jerry.weichbrodt%tcb@ack.mi.org.

