
Save the Whales!
by Mark Lamb

     Why, you ask?  Because, if you send ten(10) whales to the U.S.
Dept. of Fishy Wildlife, they'll send you, completely free of
charge [1], a CIA Secret Agent Spy Decoder Ring!  The CIA Secret
Agent Spy Decoder Ring is made from 100% natural ingredients [2],
and is guaranteed by the NSA [3] to be 100% secure from decryption
by non-law enforcement entities. [4]
     Yes, you can be the first on your block to own the one and
only CIA Secret Agent Spy Decoder Ring!  Send messages to your
friends, family, accomplices, and fellow eco-warriors; secure in
the knowledge that those nasty Kapitalist Korporate Earth Rapist
type people won't know what your message is!  Just the thing for
reporting the transgressions of those aforementioned Korporate
Earth Rapists to your local EPA office!
     Receive and decode directives from the Environmentalist's
Environmentalist, the Grand High Poohbah of Green Thought, Vice
President Al Gore! [5]  Help fight the war to protect our Dear
Mother Earth from the plastic-wielding masses!  Write letters to the
editor for your local newspaper, or stories for major national
newspapers, magazines and news wires, in completely unintelligible
gibberish! [6]
     Remember, that's ten(10) whales, and only ten(10) whales sent
to: [7]
                  U.S. Dept. of Fishy Wildlife
                         Washington, DC

     So start collecting your whales today! You won't regret it!

     [1] Except for the $495.99 Shipping & Handling fee, 7.75%
sales tax, mandatory $500 donation to an unspecified environmental
organization, 14% value added tax, and 3.1415% value subtracted
tax.

     [2] CIA Secret Agent Spy Decoder Ring is made from totally
new, certified clean, 100% radium impregnated poly-vinyl-chloride
(PVC).

     [3] Encryption developed at AT&T, following 15 years of
taxpayer funded research. Basic encryption scheme is derived from
the known secure "Caesar cipher;" details unavailable to further
ensure security.

     [4] All recipients must provide copies of their encryption
keys to the appropriate government agencies. Keys will not be used
without due process. We're the government, you can trust us.

     [5] For the minimal mandatory donation of $250, you will
receive an encrypted letter from Mr. Gore himself, which provides
a listing of the topics covered in his book, as well as a $2 coupon
towards the purchase of the book.

     [6] Experimentation has indicated that ownership of the CIA
Secret Agent Spy Decoder Ring may not, strictly speaking, be
absolutely necessary for this step.

     [7] Whales and a check made out to "Al Gore," must be sent via
First Class Mail, postage paid. Current rates are $0.32/ounce, but
are subject to rapid change. Contact your local postmaster to
obtain current rate information, or call (800) RIP-OFFS for rate
information (updated hourly).                                   {RAH}
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Mark Lamb can be reached at: dragon@freedom.org
                                                                 
