(5)   14 May 93  00:00:16                             
By: Rich Kulawiec
To: All
Re: Pt 1/5: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Songs
----------------------------------------------------------------------
@SPLIT: 18 May 93  03:09:00 @105/7      1001 01/05 +++++++++++
@MSGID: 1:105/7@fidonet 45514f5a
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k
Organization: Cardiothoracic Imaging Research Center
Reply-To: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu
@Message-ID: <tv/mst3k/songs_737352007@GZA.COM>
@Date: 14 May 1993 00:00:16 -0400

@PID: Fred 1.9n6
Archive-name: tv/mst3k/songs
Version: "$Header: Songs,v 1.4 93/03/14 18:03:08 rsk Exp $"

This list was compiled by Lisa Jenkins 
(jenkins@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu),
with help from various folks as noted below.  I've done a 
sort-and-merge
on it to produce this version.

The following is a list of songs in the experiments, listed by 
season,
production number and experiment name.  Note that the production 
numbers used
in the Comedy Channel 1989/90 season are from Best Brains' 
Experiment Guide
and do not reflect the actual order the episodes were aired.

All songs were originally found in the Satellite of Love Newsletter 
(SOLN)
or on the USENET newsgroup alt.tv.mst3k.


Theme songs
-----------

"Love Theme from Mystery Science Theatre [sic] 3000"
from opening of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ on KTMA TV23.
Lyrics: Joel Hodgson and Josh Weinstein
Music: Charles Erickson and Joel Hodgson


[Sung by "Joel and the Joels."]

In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday, A.D.--
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different than you or me.
He worked in a satellite loading bay,
Just polishing switches to pay his way;
He did his job well with a cheerful face,
But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into space.

We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst ever made.
Joel says when you got lemons,
You make lemonade.
Now keep in mind he can't control
When the movies begin or end,
Because he used the extra parts
To make his robot friends.

Robot roll-call--
Cambot
Servo
Gypsy
Crow!

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself it's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000.


-----------

"Love Theme from Mystery Science Theatre [sic]"
from opening of _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ on The Comedy 
Channel and
Comedy Central.

Lyrics: Joel Hodgson and Josh Weinstein
Music: Charles Erickson and Joel Hodgson


[Sung by "Joel and the Joels."]

In the not-too-distant future--
Next Sunday A.D.--
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
Just another face in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into space.

We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends.

Robot Roll Call:  (Let's go!)
Cambot!  (Pan left!)
Gypsy!  (Hi, girl!)
Tom Servo!  (What a cool guy!)
Croooow!  (What a wisecracker!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
and other science facts (la la la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!"

KTMA TV23 1988/1989 season
--------------------------

January 1989 SST Death Flight
"Death Flight Song" (before show)
"Banana Boat Song"

May 7, 1989 The Million Eyes of Su-Muru
"Love Theme"

Comedy Channel 1989/90 season
-----------------------------

103 Mad Monster (Commando Cody part 2)
"Beverly Hillbillies Parody" (in movie)

[In theater:]

SERVO: Come'n listen to a story about a man named Jed,
      A poor mountaineer barely kept his family fed,
      Then one day he was shootin' at some fooooooood--

JOEL:  And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude.

SERVO: Wolfman, that is.
      Black teeth.
      [] face.

      Well, the next thing you know, old Jed's really scared.
      The kin folks said, "Jed, get away from there!"
      Said, "My cabin is the place you outta be,"
      So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family.


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.

104 Women of the Prehistoric Planet
"Clay & Lar's Flesh Barn"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Hey, sirs.  Uh, wha--what's up?

[In Deep 13:]

LARRY:  Our income if this new gig works out.

DR. FORRESTER: Yes.  Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast 
food
restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.

LARRY: 'Cause frying and broiling takes out a lot of the neutrients.

DR. FORRESTER: Yes.  Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't 
you try
one of our burgers a la natrale?  It's, uh, ripped from the bone to 
your plate
in seconds.  It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.  Ha, ha.  Uh, make 
with the
lyrics, Larry.  [picks up model of Flesh Barn]

LARRY: [brings out guitar]
      If you're tired of the same old fare,
      You've got a friend named Clay and Lar.
      All our meat is guaranteed rare
      Because we don't cook it!

DR. FORRESTER: You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.

LARRY: If you're tired of cookin' at home,
      Try our meat right off the bone.
      If you listen, you can hear it moan
      Because we don't cook it!

DR. FORRESTER: Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, 
very fresh.

LARRY: Now, there's no need for you to drive through,
      Our fresh meat will walk out to you.
      You'll say hi, you'll say moo,
      It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.

DR. FORRESTER: Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.

109 Project Moonbase (Commando Cody parts 7 & 8)
"Commando Cody Song"

[In theater:]

SERVO: You are watching Commando Cody
      And it's a new character from Republic.
      He gets in trouble every week
      But he's saved by editing.

      Just a tweak of the nipple sends him on his way
      A pumpkin head and a rocket-pack, he'll save the day.

JOEL:  His laboratory is a boxing ring.
      When bad guys come to mix it up,
      Somebody always gets kidnapped,
      And Cody has to fix it up.

      He drinks his tea at Al's cafe'
      And flies along on wires.
      He beats up crooks and flies with hooks
      And puts out forest fires.

CROW:  Bad guys beware, Cody is there.
      You'll like his hair, it's under his helmet 'cause we couldn't
        think of a good rhyme
      And that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song,
      So sit right back (and) with a will of granite
      And watch chapter 8 "The Enemy Planet."

Transcribed by Lynn-Anne Friese.

110 Robot Holocaust (Commando Cody part 9)
"Human"


Comedy Channel/Central 1990/91 season
-------------------------------------

202 The Sidehackers
"Sidehackin'"

Music:  The Brains

[On the satellite:]

[Crow is on guitar, Servo has drums]

JOEL: [carries in Ultamate blue screen] All right, well.  We've 
gotta really
neat treat for you guys.  We worked on some heavy charts about 
sidehackin'.
Cambot, I want you to run that race footage in there?  On the, uh, 
Chromakey.
Okay, you guys--vamp.

[music starts]

JOEL: Yeah, I'm trapped up in outer space.  Sometimes my life feels 
like a big
pile of nothin'.  So what?  Word.  I live with it.  Dig it.  But 
anyway, we
[sic] and my bloods would like to wail out a song about our 
friends, the
sidehackers.  Goes like this:

SERVO: 1, 2.  1, 2, 3, 4.

JOEL: [sings]
     Sidehackin' is the thing to do
     When it doesn't hurt to have a low IQ.
     Take a life you like and a little love.
     The big band prize is twenty-five bucks.
     Sidehackin'll quench your danger thirst
     The stupid ones always seem to come in first, yeah.

     Sidehackin' is one big bash;
     The favorite sport of cheap white trash.
     When you're on your sidehack, make sure you don't slip;
     You'll end up with five metal pins in your hip.
     Lean way back 'til you scrape your butt;
     Make it look like a quarter-pound of ground chuck, yeah.

Oh, sidehack it, Crow!

[music breakdown]

SERVO: Whoo!  Oh, go, Crow!

JOEL: It's a sport that attracts a lot of racing fools.
     A lot of people get hurt 'cause there are no rules.
     All you need is a toxic landfill,
     A cycle and a sidecar and an urge to kill.
     Better get with the sport 'cause it won't last long;
     The founders of this sport are at Forest Lawn.

Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins, with help from Mitch Gelly and Dave 
Harris.


"Love Pads the Film"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: [carries in keyboard] Oh, brother!

SERVO: Boy!  What a depressing film!

CROW: Yeah!  Talk about nihilism.  That's the second film in a row 
that had the
hero die in the end.

SERVO: Boy, we're never gonna snap outa this existential dilemma.

JOEL: [begins to to play keyboard]  Oh, I was afriad this would 
happen, so I
brought this thing along.

SERVO: Joel, why was the movie so *BAD*?!

CROW: Yeah!  It was cool in the beginning with the sidehacking, 
then it went
right down the drain and they had to pad out the rest of the film 
with all
that killing.

JOEL: Oh, no, Crow.  It wasn't killing that padded out the film.

CROW: Huh?

JOEL: Only love pads the film.

[sings]

     When stories were young
     And dreams were not done
     A sorrow was so far away.
     A storybook scene
     With songs to be sung
     And life--life was just for today.

SERVO: Oh, Joel!

JOEL: But nothing lasts forever.
     Only love pads the film.
     Of all the dreams you'll treasure
     Only love--love pads the film.

SERVO: Joel, may I?

JOEL: Please.

SERVO: [sings]
     The love that you made
     Were two hearts in one.
     Our flowers still blow in the wind.

Crow.

CROW: You give all you take--
     A day in the sun--
     But even the sun must descend.

JOEL: Everybody, now.  Come on.

CROW: Ta-da!

ALL: But nothing lasts forever.

GYPSY: Forever.

ALL: Only love--

GYPSY: Only love--

ALL: --pads the film.

GYPSY: --pads the film.

ALL: Of all the dreams you've treasured--

GYPSY: Treasured--

ALL: Only love--

GYPSY: Only love--

ALL: --love pads the film.

GYPSY: --pads the film.

SERVO: Oh, Gyps--

JOEL: We may--the scientists are calling
     And now we'd better get going.


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.


204 Catalina Caper
"Creepy Girl"

Lyrics:  The Brains
Music:  Michael J. Nelson

[On the satellite:]

[Servo watches a picture of Creepy Girl on the TV as Joel and Crow 
enter]

SERVO: [sobs]  Creepy Girl.  [sniff]  Oh, Creepy Girl, 
little--Creepy Girl.
Boo hoo hoo hoo.

JOEL: Geez.  What's wrong, Tom Servo?  You look as upset and 
downtrodden as a
little robot with inarticulate limbs *CAN* look.

SERVO: Oh, it's Creepy Girl, Joel.  I just met a girl named Creepy 
Girl.  And
suddenly, I find--

[music starts, lights dim]

CROW: I smell a song comin' on!

SERVO: Boo hoo hoo!  Oh, Creepy Girl.

[sings]

      Lyle Waggoner's a total jerk,
      second only to Tommy Kirk.
      Could you find it in your heart
      to love a 'bot like me-hee-heee?
      That fishy story you tell
      always makes me slee-hee-pyy,
      but that's just what I get
      for dating a girl that's cree-hee-pyyy!
      My Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!

[spoken]

Oh, "C" is for that feeling of uncertainty for not quite knowing 
what ethnic
group you're from.  "R" is for the gifts you give me every time you 
smile.
The first "E" is for--uh, well, I don't really know.  But the 
second "E" is
really a grammatical thing 'cause otherwise it would be "Crepy 
Girl," and
where would that leave us?  The "P" is definitely not for 
"platonic."  And
"Y?"  Because I love you!

[sings]

      My-hyyyyy--!
      Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!

[spoken]

Oh, what are you Creepy Girl?  Are you French, Italian, or one of 
those
swarthy Gypsy-types?  Haha.  Well, you're accent suggests a romance 
language,
but I can't be sure.  Oh, we can definitely rule out a Germanic 
language.  But
it's okay!  I am a 'bot without a country.  All I know is that I 
love you!  I
want to shout it from the mountain tops!  Uh, but, I'd have to get 
back down
to Earth and actually *CLIMB* a mountain.  Or they could just drop 
me off on a
mountain.  I don't care!  That would be okay, because I 
just--need--*YOU*!

[sings]

      My-yyyy. . . Cree-hee-py Gir-hirl!
      Won't you be mi-hee-hiiine?!
      I'll give you scrolls and fish
      and tinker-toys and wi-hee-hiiine!
      I'll ditch these guys
      if you'll be myyy Cree-hee-py Gir-HIRL!
      Be-hee mi-hine before
      moo-hoo-vie si-i-i-i-i--hi-i-i-i-i-ign!
      Whooo hoo yoooo hooo!


Transcribed by J.D. Shull and Lisa Jenkins.

206 Ring of Terror (Phantom Creeps part 3--appears *after* movie)
"If Chauffeurs Ruled the World"

Lyrics:  Frank Conniff
Music:  Michael J. Nelson


[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Man, that was such an ordeal.  What a cruel trick, making us 
watch a
whole other movie again.

CROW: Yeah, with each episode that Phantom Creeps gets more and more
*RIDICULOUS*!

SERVO: Yeah, I know.  Who did that chauffeur think he was, thinking 
he could
rule the world?

CROW: Yeah!

[In Deep 13:]

FRANK: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed that Phantom Creep at 
the end.
Dr. Forrester calls all the shots around here.  If you ask me, that 
chauffeur
had the right idea.  As a matter of fact, I prepared a little number:

[Spotlight on Frank who gets out of cardboard limo and dons 
chauffeur hat and
white gloves.  Dr. Forrester "sits" in back of limo reading paper.]

FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--
      it's what I'd like to see
      'cause everyone in the world
      would take a back seat to me.
      I wouldn't have to drive--

---
 * Origin: TheRose BBS +1(503)286-3855 - UseNet <=> FidoNet Gate 
(1:105/7)
@PATH: 30707/99 105/8

----------------------------------------------------------------------
(6)   14 May 93  00:00:16                             
By: Rich Kulawiec
To: All
Re: Pt 2/5: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Songs
----------------------------------------------------------------------
@SPLIT: 18 May 93  03:09:00 @105/7      1001 02/05 +++++++++++
@PID: Fred 1.9n6
      I wouldn't have to steer--
      'cause all would bow down before me
      in total abject fear.
      All the gorgeous dames
      would worship at my feet!
      Why--I could have any one of them I want!
      Even Meryl Steep!
      I'd have complete respect
      of everyone on the planet
      including intellectuals,
      even Daved Mamet.

[Frank dusts off cardboard car and Dr. Forrester who gets angry at 
this.]

FRANK: Tell me, why do I have to take
      orders from this guy?
      I'd like to drop him a bucket of boiling grease
      and watch him slowly die.

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.

FRANK: If chauffeurs ruled the world--

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank!  *FRANK!*  [Picks up cardboard 
limo and
dumps it over Frank's head.]

FRANK: --is what I'd like to see--

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough!

FRANK: --'cause everyone in the world
      would take a back seat to me--Mommy!

[Dr. Forrester dumps newspaper on top of Frank.]

DR. FORRESTER: That's enough, Frank.

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: We think your song is--

ALL: --*FABULOUS!*

[In Deep 13:]

FRANK: [choked with tears]
      If chauffeurs ruled the world,
      it's what I'd like to see,
      but I guess some other palooka will rule the world
      [snorts with tears]
      No, not me.

DR. FORRESTER: Push the button, Judy Garland.  [Frank sobs with 
tears.]  Push
the button, Frank.

FRANK: Do you think the ACE Awards people are watching this?

DR. FORRESTER: Oh, for crying out loud!  [pushes button]


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins, with more stuff from Dave Harris.

207 Wild Rebels
"Wild Rebels Cereal"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: We'll be back after this important message.  Let's go!

SERVO: Get the box, you ready?  Cue!

JOEL: *HEY KIDS!*

[music starts]

SERVO: Yeehoo!

CROW: Whoo!

SERVO: 1, 2.  1, 2, 3.

ALL: We're Wild Rebels!
    Crunchy, fruity, rebels!
    Pouring milk on them is like shooting off a gun.

JOEL: It's Wild Rebels cereal, the nutritious cereal that's like 
getting hit
in the back of the head with a surf board of flavor.

SERVO: Look!  Marshmallow Fatties!

CROW: Sugary Lindas!

JOEL: I got tangy, twangy Banjos!

SERVO: Crunchy Oat Rods!

CROW: And cheaters too--  Die cheater *DIE*!!

[music stops]

MOM: Kids?  What are you doing in there?

ALL: Having a good breakfast, Mom!

[music starts]

SERVO: Pour on the milk!  1, 2.  1, 2, 3, 4.

ALL: Wild Rebels!
    Punchy, crunchy rebels!
    Don't bust your teeth on something sweet and hard!

JOEL: Wild Rebels cereal part of this complete breakfast.

CROW: Hey!  There's a cheap surprise inside!

JOEL: I got a gun!

SERVO: I got a sawed off pool cue with a leather strap!

CROW: I got a chunck of hose filled with lead shot!

SERVO: Awright!  Let's take it home!

ALL: They won't get soft or squishy.
    Better eat 'em or you're a sissy.
    Just pound 'em down you stupid clown--
    THEY'RE WILD....!!!!

JOEL: Wild Rebels cereal, just eat 'em.

ALL: Oh!  We got movie sign!

[In theater:]

JOEL: Wow, fruity, kookie rebels

SERVO: Umm hmmm, nutty.


Transcribed by Johnny Klonaris and Lisa Jenkins.

210 King Dinosaur (X Marks The Spot)
"Joey the Lemur"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: I wrote a song and sketch about the lemur.

SERVO: All right.  [clears throat]
      It's Joey the Lemur, the friend to mankind,
      Our furry sort of monkey friend who really does shine.  Hey!

JOEL: Joey the Lemur, he's really fun to have around to huggle and 
talk to
       and fun fun fun!

CROW: Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere.
     Joey the Lemur, what kind of heck of animal is he anyway?
     Umh uh...Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the
       bathroom anywhere.
     Joey--

JOEL: Wait a minute, hold it!

CROW: Huh?

JOEL: Just hold it.

CROW: But there's more!

SERVO: Hey!

JOEL: That's okay.

CROW: Oh.

JOEL: This is the lemur.  Native to the Philippines and Madagascar, 
uh...and
fictional planets like Nova.  Uh...he is a clean, gregarious, and 
good pet.

JOEL: [as lemur] You said it, pal!  Oh boy, pal of mine, you're the 
one for
me!

SERVO: Uh oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine!

JOEL: [as lemur] Hey!  Can it, fireplug!  I've had enough out of you!

SERVO: Joey--

JOEL: [as lemur] I've got a story to tell.

SERVO: --the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks

JOEL: [as lemur] Oh boy, will I ever, I'll carry on like a Gilbert 
Gottfried
of the animal world, I don't mind telling you.  You know, I'm the 
clown prince
of the primate world who's often uh, who's often mistaken for our 
friend the
chimpanzee.  But don't make any mistake, I'm not saying anything 
wrong about
our chimpanzee brethren, only that I wish--here's wishing they'd 
throw a
little more work our way, all right?

CROW: Lemur, the lemur, L-E-M-U-R.  Uh, I--hey!

JOEL: [as lemur] Hey, who's this bird-dog-thing, I don't like him!

SERVO: L is for LEMUR!

JOEL: [as lemur] L is for lemur, 'nuff said!

CROW: E is for EAT!

JOEL: [as lemur] E is for eat.  I eat four times my own weight in 
nuts and
berries, which has its consequences, but go figure!

CROW: M is for MONKEY!

JOEL: [as lemur] Monkey.  I'm often mistaken for a monkey.  It goes 
with the
turf.  Let's go!

SERVO: U is for UNUSUAL!

CROW: And UNPREDICTABLE!

JOEL: [as lemur] Unpredictable is right!  I once took a whiz on 
Johnny
Carson's sportcoat--I don't panel well.  Okay, on with the show!

SERVO: R is for RADICAL!

CROW: And RAMBUNCTIOUS!

JOEL: [as lemur] Randy as a jackrabbit, that's me alright!  Whoooooo!

SERVO: Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur....

CROW: ...friend to all mankind!

JOEL: [as lemur] Please consider me as a possible corporate symbol 
or mascot
suitable and fine for any professional or semi-professional sport 
team.

CROW and SERVO: It's the (CROW: magnificent/SERVO: splendiferous) 
*LEEEMURRR*!

JOEL: [as lemur] I, the lemur, beg you to consider me.  I am 
willing to travel
and would make an excellent companion to any elderly or 
unelderly...elderly
person.  Gentlemen, please consider me.  Thank you.  Won't you?  
Thank you.


Transcribed by Ryan Franklin, Jason Corley and Lisa Jenkins.

212 Godzilla vs. Megalon
"Jet Jaguar Fight"

213 Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
"Godzilla Geneaology Bop"

[In the satellite:]

CROW: Joel?

JOEL: Yeah.

CROW: Joel!  Jo--

JOEL: Uh, over here, yeah.

CROW: Oh, there you are.  Uh, I'm confused.  Uh, Just who is this 
Godzilla
guy?

SERVO: Yes, wise one.  Please, teach us.

JOEL: I don't know if you're ready for this.

SERVO: [at same time as Crow] Oh, please Mr. Joel.  Please!  Come 
on.  Please!
Please!  Please!  Please!  Please!

CROW: [at same time as Servo] Oh, please!  Please!  Pleeeeease!

JOEL: Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way 
once.  This is
called the "Godzilla Geneaology Bop."  Would you hit it, Professor 
Cambot?

[music starts]

In order to know Godzilla, we've got to look into his past.

CROW: You know studying geneaology is gonna be a blast.

JOEL: Ah, you've got it little robot pal, we're swinging into high.

SERVO: Come on, let's cut to the chase you couple of geeks, and get 
to the
family tree!

CROW: Huh?

JOEL: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were 
released.

SERVO: Oh, like--

SERVO and CROW: --baby alligators and other nasty beasts?

JOEL: Right. The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand 
times their
size.

SERVO: Oh.

CROW: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous 
thighs!

JOEL: Right.

SERVO: Ah!

JOEL: Now you're getting it little buddy--

CROW: Ah!

JOEL: --but now we must move on.

SERVO: Uh hu.

JOEL: Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-bomb.

SERVO: Yeah.  Look, there's Aunty Ness from Scotland's Loch, they 
married in
the spring.  And their first-born was Godzookie, and now we begin 
to sing!

[in background]

Bop be du-bop!  Be du-bidie du be du bop....

[you got the picture....]

CROW: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars.  He had 
an affair
with Lorna Lufts and smoked a big cigar.

SERVO: And outa the lust of the love affair Rob Pearlman resulted.

CROW: Hu!

JOEL: You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was 
consulted!  Oh,
I did it again.

CROW: Then Ron met Yoko Ono, and they began to spawn a couple of 
hundred
horrible things as green as [forest lawn].

SERVO: There they are: there's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, 
Hulk, and
       Earnest Borgnine too!

CROW: But Earnest Borgnine isn't green!

SERVO: Well put him on a boat and he is!

JOEL and CROW: *WHAT?!*

SERVO: Hey!  Who's that at the bottom, a-wallowin' in his shame?

CROW: Oh, that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame.

SERVO: Hu.

JOEL: To wrap it up, the worst mutation...

CROW: No, you don't suppose?!

SERVO: Oh yes it is, the horror of horrors--

ALL: --Karl Baldwin's nose!

SERVO and CROW: Ohhhh nooooo!

JOEL: We got movie--commercial sign on top.

CROW: Dig it.


Transcribed by (jka@math.ufl.edu) and Lisa Jenkins.


Comedy Central 1991/92 season
-----------------------------

302 Gamera
"Tibby, Oh Tibby"

Written and Arranged by Michael J. Nelson

[On the satellite:]

[Servo talks to a toy turtle in a fishbowl.  The bowl spins on a 
record player
on the SOL desk.]

SERVO: More fish flakes, sweet friend?

[lights dim, Servo sings]

      Oh, Tibby.  My Tibby,
      my heart is a mess.
      I don't have a protective shell
      over my chest.
      So people can *HURT* me
      with the cruel things they dooo!
      Yet somehow, sweet Tibby,
      I know you hurt, too.
      Oh, Tibby.  My Tibby,
      reality's hard.
      So Tibby,
      let's play in the yaaaaaaard!
      Oooooooh, Tibby!  Oh, Tibby!

[Crow enters]

      He runs like the wind.
      A couple of inches--aha!--
      and then back again!
      Oooh-doh-doooh.

CROW: Uh, may I take a verse?

SERVO: Oooo-doo-doooo.  Well, if you feel it, Crow.

CROW: Oh, I--do.  Ahem!

SERVO: Well, Crow.  Then by all means.  Join me, won't you?

CROW: 5, 6, 7, 8.

      Tippyyyy--!

SERVO: It's *TIBBY*!  *TIBBY!*

CROW: Oh, sorry.  Sorry.  Sorry.

      I love you my fine lit-tle fellaaa!
      Even though you gave the whole fam-i-ly salmonellaaa!

[lights rise, music stops, Joel enters]

SERVO: No!  No!  It's not their fault!

CROW: Hee hee hee hee!

SERVO:  It isn't their fault! Crow, you take everything good and--! 
 You rip
my heart out!!!  [sobs]

CROW: Geez, I'm--I'm sorry.

JOEL: C'mon, Crow, let'm finish his song.

CROW: Oh, okay.

JOEL: Go ahead, Tom.

CROW: It's just a stupid ol' turtle.

JOEL: Go ahead, Tom.

[Servo stops crying, lights dim, spotlight on Tibby]

SERVO: Thank you, Cambot.

[music begins]

      Tibby.  My Tibby,
      your blood may be cold,
      but I know that your heart
      burns as hot as a coal!
      It burns with the love
      only turtles can feel!
      Tibby--!

[spoken]

Is our love real?

My Tibby, I'll never let the dog nose around your bowl, but you 
know that
don't you?  I can see it in your beady, little eyes!  If you 
high-center on
your rock, Tibby, I'll be there to help you down!

[sings]

      The toilet's not your fate, friend!
      You'll always run freeeeeee!
      Tibby--!
      Long as you have meeeeeeeeeeee!

[music ends]

CROW: D'you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?

JOEL: That was really good, Tom.

SERVO: [sob] Thank you.

JOEL: We got Commercial Sign.


Transcribed by J.D. Shull and Lisa Jenkins.

303 Pod People
"Burning Rubber Tires"

[In the satellite:]

['bots are all dressed as women, Joel wears headphones and stands 
next to a
mic]

JOEL: All right!  All right, let's do it again!  You come in late 
girls, again,
you're out.  All right?

['bots moan]

All right, from the top.

[music starts]

With a pickled mind,
We kicked enough of beer.
Steady as a goat,
We're flying over trout.
Getto down the highway
At the speed of light.
All I want to feel is like
The wind in my eyes.
Sack of monkeys in my pocket,
My sister's ready to go.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Hear the engines roll now.

GYPSY: Hear the engines roll now.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Idiot control now.

GYPSY: Idiot control now.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Hideous control now.

GYPSY: Hideous control now.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Needy on the road now.

GYPSY: Needy on the road now.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Needy in control,
Wheels on fire,
Burning rubber tires!

GYPSY: Tires!

[In Deep 13:]

DR. FORRESTER: He's pretty good.

FRANK: Good?  He's the *BEST*!

[In the satellite:]

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Near each other rolls now.

GYPSY: Near--now.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: He really likes to go now.

GYPSY: He--like--go.

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Needy inches bow down.

GYPSY: Bow down!

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Pity and a poor boy.

GYPSY: Poor boy!

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Hear the X's roll,
Peas on a pod,
Burning rubber tires.

GYPSY: Tires!

[In Deep 13:]

DR. FORRESTER: Oh great.

FRANK: Say!

DR. FORRESTER: Pretty good.

FRANK: Yeah!

DR. FORRESTER: Whadda think?

[In the satellite:]

JOEL: It stinks!


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.

"Clown in the Sky"

[On the satellite:]

[music plays in background, Servo whistles]

JOEL: Well, guys, looks like it's time to pack it all in again.

CROW: Yeah.  We are the stuff dreams are made of.

SERVO: Oh, that's beautiful, Crow!  Shakespeare?

CROW: Uh, no.  Burmashave, act--

SERVO: Oh, well I--huh?

JOEL: [as he takes Crow apart] You know, guys, it always hurts--

CROW: Ow!

JOEL: --to close it all up--

SERVO: Yeah.

JOEL: --strike the set--

CROW: Ow!  Geez!

JOEL: --wipe off the grease paint--

SERVO: Yeah.

JOEL: --uh, napkin up the blood and entrails--

CROW: Ouch!

JOEL: --and move on to another town.

CROW: Uh, oh.  I smell a song.

SERVO: Mmmm hmmm.

JOEL: [sings]
     Tell me where does all the magic go--

SERVO: [in background] Ooooo!

JOEL: When the curtain falls to end the show?
     Do the clowns always cry
     When they pack up the paper sky,
     And the champaign is being poured,

[Servo provides harmony]

     And the lock is on the old stage door?

[Servo ends harmony]


---
 * Origin: TheRose BBS +1(503)286-3855 - UseNet <=> FidoNet Gate 
(1:105/7)
@PATH: 30707/99 105/8

----------------------------------------------------------------------
(7)   14 May 93  00:00:16                             
By: Rich Kulawiec
To: All
Re: Pt 3/5: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Songs
----------------------------------------------------------------------
@SPLIT: 18 May 93  03:09:00 @105/7      1001 03/05 +++++++++++
@PID: Fred 1.9n6
     Will there still be a clown in the sky for me?

SERVO: Oh, Joel!  Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo!  Joel!

JOEL: Don't worry, buddy, there'll be other experiments.

SERVO: You really think so, Mister?

JOEL: Yeah.  Take a verse.  It'll cheer you up.

SERVO: Okay.

[sings in Anthony Newly voice]

      When the harliquen is on the bed
      And the whiskey haze surrounds his head,
      William Holden's coming over and he's got a [] or two--

JOEL: Uh, Servo, if you don't stop doing your Anthony Newly, I'm 
gonna throw
you against the wall.

CROW: He'll do it, too.

JOEL: [sings]
     Will there still be a clown in the sky--

SERVO: Help us out, Crow!

JOEL, SERVO and CROW: Still be a clown in the sky--

SERVO: Take it home, Joel!

JOEL: Tell me, where is that clown in the sky for me?

[spoken]

     I love you, Tom Servo.

SERVO: I love you, Joel.

JOEL: I love you, Crow.

CROW: You're not my real father!

JOEL: Wadda think, sirs?

[In Deep 13:]

DR FORRESTER and FRANK: It stinks!


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.


306 Time of the Apes
"The Sandy Frank Song"

Arranged:  Michael J. Nelson

[On the satellite:]

JOEL:  C'mon, everybody!  Let's do the Sandy Frank Song!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

SERVO: He's the source of all our pain!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

CROW:  Gads [gets?] about the house all day!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

JOEL:  Thinks that people come from trees!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

SERVO: Gets horrid movies from Japan!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

CROW:  Films are always poorly dubbed!

ALL:   Sandy Fraaank!  Sandy Fraaank!

JOEL:  Spielberg won't return his calls!


Transcribed by Ed Hughes, M.M. Marmel and Lisa Jenkins.

307 Daddy-O (Alphabet Antics)
"Hike Up Your Pants"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Hey everybody, do the pants up song!

SERVO: Now!

JOEL: Dad 'n Lad, Farrahs, Levis, Bugle Boys
     Sans-a-Belt, Chinos, Haggar, Ban-Rol,
     Arnold Palmer, Wrangler, Johnny Carson, Huskies
     No pants are higher than mine.

Hah!  Oh!  Look out!  Don't touch this!

SERVO: Hah!

JOEL: Hike up your britches, super high now.
     Cut off the circulation, to your thighs now.
     Yank your trousers higher than Corey Haim's, oh wow.

SERVO: Hu hoo!  Hah!

JOEL: 'Cause it ain't hip 'til you're in total pain.

SERVO: Whooo!

JOEL: Hike up your pants till you see your shins,
     Wear an Izod shirt like a second skin.
     Make sure you wear your belt buckle to the side.
     Hike up your pants, take your butt cheeks for a ride.

SERVO: Hey!

JOEL: Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Chinos
     Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Farrahs
     Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Haggars
     Hike up your britches like mine....  Take it Frank!

SERVO: Whoooo!

[In Deep 13:]

FRANK: Hike, Hike, Hike, Hike your pants up
      Hike Hike Hike...with the thing, and, uh...
      Hike Hike Hike...with the football...
      Hike Hike...

Take it, Doctor!

[continues singing in background]

DR. FORRESTER: I'm not taking anything, Frank!  Here, I'll take 
these.  [Pulls
pants over Frank's head, Frank keeps "hiking" through fly.]  And 
you!  Pants
Weasel! Get on with it!  Zip it, Frank.

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Ban-Rols
     Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Roebucks
     Hike, Hike, Hike, up your Toughskins
     Hike up your britches like mine!  Hah!
     Hike up your britches like mine!  Hah!
     Hike up your britches like mine!  Hah!  Oh yeah, look out!
     Hike up my britches like mine!  Jump back, kiss myself!

[continues singing]

SERVO: Uh, Joel, take the commercial sign.  Joel!

JOEL: Hike up your britches like mine!  I can't come back--I don't 
know how it
works!

CROW: Joel!  Joel!  Commercial sign!  Snap out of it, buddy!

SERVO: Oh no!  He's vapor locked!  Hit the button, Crow!  Hit the 
button!

CROW: I'll get it!  Ungh!


Transcribed by Bryan Lambert, Ed Hughes, Donna K. Lang and Lisa 
Jenkins.

310 Fugitive Alien
"Forklift Song" (in movie)

312 Gamera vs. Guiron
"Bouncy Gamera Song"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Let's go, Gamera!

[music starts]

ALL:  Gamera!  Gamera!
      Gamera is really neat.
      Gamera is filled with meat.
      We've been eating Gamera!
      Shell
      Teeth
      Eyes
      Flames
      Claws
      Breath
      Scales
      Fun!

SERVO: Dr. Forrester is kind of a jerk,
       and Frank is really dumb, too.

CROW: We have to take part in these lame experiments.

JOEL: But do we complain?

SERVO: No!

JOEL: No!

CROW: Yes!

SERVO: Huh?
       So we hi-keeba all over the place--

JOEL: --and talk of a thousand wonderful days.

SERVO: Everybody now!

ALL:  Gamera is really sweet,
      he is filled with turtle meat.
      Now we have Commercial Sign!


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.

"Gamera Marching Song"

"Michael Feinstein's Gamera"
from "Gamera vs. Guiron"


[In Deep 13:]

[Closeup of sign announcing:

           Appearing tonite in Deep 13
           Michael Feinstein
           "Just Cole Porter
                          ...and Me"

Piano plays as camera pans away from sign.]

FEINSTEIN: Anyway, he got his start getting cigarettes to Agnus 
Demille, if
you can believe that.

FRANK: Oh, ho, ho!

FEINSTEIN: But, anyway, back to my original story which was that I 
think Oscar
Hammerstein spent *TWO WEEKS* up at his Bucks County farm writing 
the lyrics to
"Oh, What a Beautiful Morning."  And he labored over it and he 
turns it over
to Dick Rogers who sits down and promptly--in ten minutes, mind 
you--writes
the melody.  And I don't have to tell you two gentlemen that 
American musical
theater was never quite the same thing.

FRANK: What a *WONDERFUL* story!

DR. FORRESTER: Uh, tell us that story about Cole Porter again.

FRANK: Oh, please do!

FEINSTEIN: Should I?  Really?  Okay.  Well, Cole Porter, in, during 
his horse-
riding accident, well, he was laying in the middle of the woods 
with his legs
crushed, yelling for help, he decided to write "The Long Last Love."

FRANK: Oh, no!

FEINSTEIN: That's a true story, but what a lot of people don't know 
is that
the lyrics were altered for its Broadway opening, yes.  And the 
original
lyrics went something like this:

[Plays a haunting tune.]

Very tender.

[Pounds on piano.]

Oh my God!  I'm in so much pain!  Somebody please help me!  
Somebody come and
save me!

FRANK: What an *ENCHANTING* anecdote!

DR. FORRESTER: They don't write them like that anymore, do they?

FEINSTEIN: They certainly do not.

DR. FORRESTER: How does the Gamera theme songs stack up against 
songs from
yesteryear?

FEINSTEIN: Oh, it's interesting you should ask that because the 
opening lyric
of the Gamera theme song has sort of a Rogers and Hart feel to it.  
Let me
show you what I mean.

[plays piano and sings]

           Gamera--

[plunk, plunk, plunk, plunk]

           Gamera--

[tra la la la, tra la la la]

           Gamera is really neat.
           Gamera is filled with meat.
           We all love you, Gamera.

[speaks]

But then the second part is a little more fun.  It has a sort of 
George and
Ira Gershwin feel to it.

[sings]

           Shell,
           Teeth,
           Eyes,
           Claws,
           Scales,
           Breath,
           Fun.

[speaks]

It sort of sneaks up on you.  "Boo," it says.

[plays piano and sings]

           Gamera's enchantment still grows.
           He fills our hearts with love.
           Gamera's the latest thing.
           He fills our hearts with spring, spring, spring!
           Anytime you want some moonbeams,

[whispered]

           Gamera is the thing.

[plays piano and sings]

           Gamera is really neat,
           He is filled with turtle meat.
           We all love you, *GAMERA*!!!

DR. FORRESTER: Ah!  Kill him.  Better yet, I'll kill him.  You push 
the
button.  [Picks up large mallet as Frank goes to push the button.]


Transcribed by Amanda (ecameron@groucho.mrc.unm.edu) and Lisa 
Jenkins.

314 Mighty Jack
"Slow the Plot Down"

[On the satellite:]

SERVO: [in background] Arr!  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

JOEL: Well, me blimey buckos, the movie's over, the paint is past 
and I feel
like singing a plot shanty.  Be lively now, me Bonnie Raitts.  Ah!

ALL: [sing]
     Oh!  Slow the plot down, laddie,
     Slow the plot down.
     Way-hey!  Slow the plot down.
     We'll scuttle the story and run 'er a-ground.
     We'll try so hard to slow the plot down.

JOEL: Okay, now.  Who can tell me their favorite scene from the 
movie so far?

SERVO: Oh, sure!

JOEL: Tom?  Go ahead.

SERVO: There was a--there was a, um, da, uh...argh!

CROW: Ah!

ALL: Oh!  Slow the plot down, laddie,
     Slow the plot down.
     Way-hey!  Slow the plot down
     With German, Italian and Japanese clowns.
     We'll try so hard to slow the plot down.

JOEL: Okay.  Well, how 'bout you--how 'bout you, Crow?  You must be 
full to
bursting--

CROW: Huh?

JOEL: --with some fond memories of today's movie.  Come on--think 
hard!

CROW: Oh, ah, uh, um.

SERVO: Brother.

CROW: Uh, ah, geez, Joel.  I'm drawing a blank!

SERVO: Yeah, me too.

CROW: I, ah, um.  Oh!  I remember vaguely a guy locked--locked in a 
room with
another guy and someone...running....

SERVO: Oh!

CROW: Arr!  Arr!  Arr!

ALL: Oh!  We'll make you a movie
     that's long and immense.
     Way-hey!  Slow the plot down.
     Just give us a script that makes
     no friggin' sense!
     We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

JOEL: Well, come on, you guys.  I can remember--I for one--in vivid 
detail--a
frog man who, uh.  Just who is--who's Mighty Jack, anyway?

SERVO: Oh!  Wow!  It just hit me!  I remember!  The scene where 
Quiquack sits
motionless on the deck meditating for telling the death of the crew--

CROW: Oh!  Yeah!  Yeah!  And the scout sees Adicka shoot the mad 
dog in the
street and Alex goes to the comes--

JOEL: I--I remember.  And then Patrick Swayze walks in and says--

ALL: "It's my way or the highway."

CROW: Ha, ha!

JOEL: Ha, ha!

SERVO: Arr!

JOEL: Come on, guys.

CROW: Oh!  My brain hurts!

SERVO: Joel, I'm so confused!

JOEL: It's really not that bad, you guys.  I for one actually feel 
like I just
got done listening to two hours of Lou Reed's metal machine music.

SERVO: Hey!

JOEL: You know, my brain feels clean as a whistle!

CROW: And that's pretty good!

JOEL: Yeah!  It is!

SERVO: That's not bad!  Let's take it home, boys!

JOEL: Okay!

ALL: Slow the plot down, laddie,
     Slow the plot down.
     Way-hey!  Slow the plot down.
     Just scuttle the story and run 'er a-ground.
     We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

SERVO: Arr!

JOEL: Arr!  Me blimy overlords, what-a think-y?  Arr!


Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.

316 Gamera vs. Zigra
"The Many Tunes of Gamera"

317 Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent (The Home Economics Story)
"Waffles, We Love You"

[On the satellite:]

CROW and SERVO: Waffles!  Waffles!  Waffles!  Waffles!

JOEL:  Join us, everybody!  Come on, Cambot, give me trippleberry!

[music starts]

       W is for the many ways that you're served

CROW:  A is for the admiration you deserve

GYPSY: F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun!

SERVO: And F is for the flavor that is second ta none!

JOEL:  L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth!

ALL:   E is for eggs--Oh Baby!

SERVO: Triple time!

ALL:   Put 'em all together with a how do-ya-do
       Lovely waffles we love--

GYPSY: Send me up another please!

ALL:   Oh, waffles we love--

SERVO: Top mine off with runny cheese!

ALL:   Waffles we love--

CROW:  Chili waffles suit me fine!

ALL:   Waffles we love--

JOEL:  Wash me down with Aunt Jemima?

ALL:   Waaaaaaaffffles, wee love youuuu!

JOEL: Whadda think, sirs?

[In Deep 13:]

DR. FORRESTER: Let's face it, sticky fingers, waffles are nothing 
more than a
vehicle for butter and syrup.  Heh heh heh heh!

[On the satellite:]

ALL: *WHAT?!*

JOEL: They are not!

CROW: Hey!  You watch your mouth about waffles!


Transcribed by Ed Hughes and Lisa Jenkins.


318 Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
"Fugitive Alien Medley"

[On the satellite:]

SERVO: All right, I'm feeling really good.

JOEL: Yeah.

SERVO: Yes!

GYPSY: Oh boy!

["Fugitive Alien theme" plays]

ALL:   This is the song
       starting off our medley--
       Our favorite Fugitive
       Alien song
       Don't try to kill us
       with a forklift
       Won't take very long--
       relax and sing along.

SERVO:  Thank you, thank you.

CROW: You know, Tommy-- a movie like Fugitive Alien can make you 
cry, and it
can make you cry.

SERVO: Ah, oui, yes.

CROW: But thing I treasure most, and I'm speaking from the heart, 
here--

SERVO: Mmm hmmm.

CROW: --this is totally off script--

SERVO: Mmm hmmm.

CROW: --is the music.

SERVO: [with French accent] Oh, this is so true, mon Crow--songs of 
love and
adventure, and if I may, whimsy, no?  Heh, heh, heh.  But you know, 
my
favorite was the heartrending ballad in which the whistful Tammy 
pledges her
love to Ken.

CROW: It goes ... a little something like this:

SERVO: 3 4


["I Love Ken," reminiscent of "Frere Jacques," plays]

CROW:  I love Ken
       He is my sweet friend
       and I love him...

SERVO: I love Ken
       He is my sweet friend
       and I love him...

CROW:  I'm so blue
       'cause I don't think
       Ken loves me...

SERVO: I'm so blue
       'cause I don't think
       Ken loves me...

CROW:  I'm all messed up inside
       I might have to
       off him...

SERVO: I'm all messed up inside
       I might have to
       off him...

CROW:  I'll frame Rocky and
       get away
       scott free...

SERVO: I'll frame Rocky and
       get away
       scott free...

CROW:  I love Ken
       he is my sweet friend
       and I love him....

SERVO: Frere Jacque,
       Frere Jacque,

[continues over Crow]

CROW:  I'm so blue
       'cause I don't think
       Ken loves me...

       I'm all messed up inside
       I might have to
       off him...

SERVO: I saw three ships come
       sailing in on
       Christmas day,
       on Christmas day

[continues over Crow]

CROW:  I'll frame Rocky and
       get away
       scott free...


---
 * Origin: TheRose BBS +1(503)286-3855 - UseNet <=> FidoNet Gate 
(1:105/7)
@PATH: 30707/99 105/8

----------------------------------------------------------------------
(8)   14 May 93  00:00:16                             
By: Rich Kulawiec
To: All
Re: Pt 4/5: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Songs
----------------------------------------------------------------------
@SPLIT: 18 May 93  03:09:00 @105/7      1001 04/05 +++++++++++
@PID: Fred 1.9n6
SERVO: I love Ken...
       I love Ken...

JOEL: All right, this band is marvelous, aren't they ladies and 
gentlemen?
Cambot Brown and his band renouned--give it up for 'em!

CROW: Yeah!

SERVO: Smokin'!

JOEL: Yeah!

SERVO: 2 3

(tune of a jazzy boogie)
JOEL: Its got a real cool feel
      flying high with the Starwolf
      we're firing up the ship
      and we're hitting the town
      with groovy Ken and Tammy,
      swingin' Rockin' Joe,
      and those two other guys
      who we don't really know
      forget 'em!
      Lay down the boogie
      and head for the stars, man!

GYPSY: Thanks Joel, well that was fun.  But if I could get a little 
serious
for a moment, well I was wondering where we'd be without our boys 
and girls in
shiny red leather.  It makes me proud to know that they're out there
somewhere.

["Superman March" plays]

       Look and you'll see
       Flying so fancy free
       Fighting for you and me,
       Captain Joe and the gang.
       When they pass by
       [] pumpkin pie
       top of the []
       wearing the blue.

SERVO: Tempo! Tempo! Tempo!

JOEL:  That's really good.  Gypsy, you wanna do one with me?

GYPSY: Huh?

JOEL: You want to do one with me?

GYPSY: Well, Joel, I--

SERVO: Let's all do it.

GYPSY: Okay

ALL:  We are gonna find
      Sandy Frank.
      We just want to
      ask him why.
      We want to stick it to
      Sandy Frank
      and sit on his chest
      and gob on his face
      and make him cry!

CROW:  Yeah!

JOEL:  All right, now--lets take it home!

CROW:  I'm feeling really good

SERVO: Feels so good it shows!

CROW:  Yeah!

["Fugitive Alien theme" plays]

ALL:  And that's our song,
      we hope that you enjoyed it
      and if you thought it
      was stupid and trite
      come on and
      kill us with a forklift.
      All we wanna do
      with love from us to you
      is sing
      the Fugitive Alien song!


Transcribed by Charles Mcgrew and Lisa Jenkins.

321 Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
"A Patrick Swayze X-mas"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: I think it's kind of, uh, hot to be wearing these scarves in 
here.

SERVO: Oh, yeah.

CROW: Well, scarves are a must.  You can't go caroling without a 
scarf.  Catch
your death!

JOEL: Man, you were like one of those kids I remember in, uh, high 
school that
used to sell the most candybars for the marching band.

SERVO: Yeah, and you'd be president of the swing choir, too.

CROW: Ha ha!  Ah, thanks, Joel Robinson.  Thanks, Tom Servo.

SERVO: What a kiss-up, this guy.

CROW: Okay, now if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can 
rehearse my
new song.

JOEL: You wrote a Christmas song?

CROW: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition!  Ha ha ha!

SERVO: Um, wait a minute.  "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas?"

CROW: Oh, yeah, yeah.  Based on my favorite movie, _Roadhouse_.

SERVO: C'mon, what the heck does *PATRICK SWAYZE* have to do with
*CHRISTMAS*?!

CROW: Hey, you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in 
mine, okay?

SERVO: Oh, jeeesss.

JOEL: Hey, cmon, Tom Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment 
and we can
give it a shot.  C'mon.

CROW: All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, 12/8 time, uh, key of A-flat major--

SERVO: Good.

CROW: Uh, Cambot, shoot 'em the tune.  Uh, okay, you'll just have 
to stay with
me, everybody, okay?  Uh, your part's written out.  Let's have a 
Patrick
Swayze Christmas, by Crow T. Robot.

JOEL: "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"?

CROW: Right.  Hit it, Cambot!

SERVO: Oh!  Oh, I start.  I get it.  Hmm.

CROW: I'm sorry.

SERVO: Pick it up.  "Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze 
Christmas
in."

CROW: "We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin."

SERVO: Not bad!

JOEL: "And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing."

'BOTS: "We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing."

SERVO: "Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!"

CROW: "Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!"

JOEL: Hold it, hold it a sec.  Cambot, stop it.  Uh, Crow, I don't 
know if I
think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas.

CROW: Hey, what?  Like a good action sequence don't belong in 
Christmas?

JOEL: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action 
sequence in a
Christmas carol before.

SERVO: Well, yeah!

CROW: Well, then grab hold o' your socks and read on, Joel Robinson!

SERVO: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot.  Lovely intro, 
though.  Very
tasteful.

CROW: Thank you.

SERVO: I like that.  "It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at 
my ba-ha-
haar."

CROW: "I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my 
car!"

JOEL: "I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till."

'BOTS: "I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his 
will, ohh,"

ALL: "Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.  And 
this can be
the haziest . . . this can be the laziest. . . this can be the 
Swayziest
Christmas of them *AAALLLLLLLLLL*!"

SERVO: "La la la laa ha HAAA!"

CROW: How long before it becomes a standard?

JOEL: I think you gotta come with me.  C'mon.

CROW: Waaaaah!

SERVO: We'll be right back.  Oooh.  Save a leg for me!  Heh heh heh.


Transcribed by Paul Ashley and Lisa Jenkins.

322 Master Ninja I
"Master Ninja Theme Song"

323 Castle of Fu Manchu
"Satellite of Love Marching Song"


Comedy Central 1992/93 season
-----------------------------

403 City Limits
"Ode to Kim Cattrel"

406 Attack of the Giant Leaches (Undersea Kingdom)
"Danger to Ourselves and Others"

Music:  Michael J. Nelson
        Joel Hodgson


[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Bring it down there, Gypsy.  Ya know, Silas, it's not easy 
being a
social misfit and then getting the added responsibility of 
dragnetting the
swamp for missing townsfolk.  And I can't even button my own shirt.

SERVO: Yeah, I hear ya, Gunther.  Now isn't it amazing how we 
inferior types
keep getting asked to do the dangerous work which should go to men 
more stable
than us?  Really is a miracle!  He huu!  Hooter?

CROW: Uh, duh, yep!  Uh wagnets.  Hahaha.

JOEL: Whadda he say, Cilus?

SERVO: Well, I think what our bright young friend's trying to say 
here is the
reason we three goofuses are asked to do these hazardous tasks 
outside the
perimeter of normal society's rationale is, we're a danger to 
ourselves and
others.

[music starts]

JOEL: Hu da!  Kinda reminds me of Darwin's theory of Natural 
Selection.

CROW: Yeah!  If you're dumb--ya DIE!

[all laugh]

SERVO: That's, I say, that's a rich one there, Hooter!
       [sings]
       Oh, I'm a danger to myself and others.
       My cousins are as close as brothers.
       I stay out in the rain all the time!

CROW:  He's a danger to himself and others.
       Only likes shows with Sally Struthers.
       I can't even think of a word that rhymes.

SERVO: Ya just did!

JOEL:  How dumb are you Uncle-Dad?

SERVO: Well pretty dumb, that's for sure!

CROW:  How dumb are you Uncle-Dad?

SERVO: Well this pipe's filled with manure!

ALL:   We're a danger to ourselves and others.
       Screw the earth and steal our mothers.
       Leave us in the woods and we're just fine.
       We're a danger to ourselves and others.
       Good livestock with better lovers.
       Hunting leeches is what we call a good time!

[Joel throws dynamite.]

BOOM!  BOOM!

SERVO: Oh Boy!  I'd like to shake hands with any Giant Leeches 
after that.

CROW: What?  The dynamite or that crappy song?

SERVO: He he huee.


Transcribed by Brian O'Connor and Christopher Schumann.

410 Hercules Against the Moon Men
"Ode to Pants"

411 The Magic Sword
"Ode on Estelle"

417 Crash of the Moons
"Gypsy Moon"

[On the satellite:]

JOEL: Oh!  I hope you're enjoying today's film, and I certainly 
hope those
gypsy moons don't crash.  Did you know that the gypsy moons is 
actually a
reference to a popular song title from the 1920s?  Mmm hmm.  Don't 
remember?
Well, here's our own Tom Servo, Gypsy and Crow to help you out 
doing their
rendition of the Gypsy Moons.  Hit it, kids!

SERVO: No, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you!

GYSPY: Really?

SERVO: And I know I've love you, too, if only we could--

CROW: You haven't a chance with a girl like her.  It's me she cares 
for!
Isn't that right, Gypsy?

GYPSY: I can't decide.

CROW: Can't decide?  Maybe this will help--

[music starts, Servo whistles]

SERVO: Ba boom ba boom.

CROW:  I can't sleep, or clean my room,
       since you and I first had our swooney swoon--

GYPSY: Oh!

CROW:  --in early June under the clear blue gypsy moon.

GYPSY: Oh, that's nice.

CROW: Thank you.

SERVO: No, no, no.  Don't listen to him, honey!  Listen to me!

GYPSY: I should?

SERVO: Lovers have their tune, I know that I was meant for you.

[Crow groans]

GYSPY: Ah!

SERVO: Yes, one and one makes two and that would be just me and 
you, honey!

GYPSY: Oh!

SERVO: Strollin' arm and arm under a gyp-gyp-gypsy moon.

GYPSY: Oh, very good.

SERVO: Take my hand!  Oh, you can't.

GYPSY: Oh.

CROW:  In Tom's that are macaroons, his family are all baboons--

[Gypsy laughs]

CROW:  --but my love is a typhoon, and, besides, my dad's a...tycoon!

GYPSY: Daddy's got money.

CROW:  So come with me under the gyp-gyp-gypsy moon.

SERVO: Don't listen to that thin beak over there, listen to me!
       I'm a starter for the Bruins, so don't ya leave my heart in 
ruins--

GYPSY: A hockey player!

SERVO: --I've been in a coccoon, but now I sing just like a loon!

GYPSY: Oh!

SERVO: Since you and I sang tunes under the gyp-gyp-gypsy moon.

GYPSY: I have something to say.

CROW: Yeah?

SERVO: Tell me!  Tell me!

GYPSY: Although I'd just as soon take Nyquil with a spoon
       then listen to you two drone on about the gypsy moon,
       if the choice between you too goons, I'd rather date Stacey 
Coon!

CROW and SERVO: [whisper] Stacey Coon?

CROW:  I think you judge too soon in this matter of the moon--

GYPSY: I did?

[music changes]

CROW:  --'cause when the lights go out--

SERVO: Whoo!

CROW:  --and we're sitting on the couch--

GYPSY: Whoo!

[Joel rushes in]

CROW:  I'm gonna give ya everything--!

[Joel clamps Crow's mouth down]

JOEL: Stop!  Stop!  We hope you enjoyed this little trip down 
memory lane.
And now here's our own Al Jazzbow Collins with a message.  Never 
again you
guys.  That's it.


Transcribed by Greg Simon and Lisa Jenkins.


422 The Day the Earth Froze (Here Comes the Circus)
"Gypsy Rose Me"

423 Bride of the Monster (Hired! pt 1)
"Hired!"

[On the satellite:]

[A sign appears with the words:

The SOL Community Theater
    Sings hits from
       "HIRED!"
      featuring
     Mort Cambot
       and his
      orchestra ]

['Bots sing in a whisper]

SERVO: He's hired.

SERVO and CROW: He's hired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.  He's hired.

JOEL: I'm hired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.

JOEL: I hope I don't get fired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.

JOEL: In forty years I'll be retired.
      But for now, I'm simply hired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired, he's hired, he's hired, he's 
hired.

JOEL: I got a job today.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.

JOEL: I'm selling Chevrolets.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.

JOEL: I'm bringing home good pay.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired.

JOEL: I just got hired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's hired, he's hired, he's hired, he's 
hired.

['Bots sing in regular voice]

He got a job today.

JOEL: Yeah, me!

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's selling Chevrolets.

JOEL: We're gonna get awnings.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He's bringing home good pay.

JOEL: Maybe even dessert.

[At same time with 'bots next line]

      I just got hired.

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: He just got hired.

ALL: HIRED!

[Music changes]

[Knock, knock, knock]

JOEL: I was wondering if you'd like to see my--

GYPSY: No!

JOEL: But I really think you should see my--

SERVO: No!

JOEL: It's got a lovely--

GYPSY: No!

JOEL: And if only you would--

CROW: No!

SERVO, CROW and GYPSY: Can't you see we're trying to tell you no!

[Music changes]

SERVO: Ahh.  Zeros, zeros.  None of my salesmen has ever sold a 
car.  Ohh!
       Sometimes I think I might be pushing them too far.
       I think I'll hit the bar
       and try to get my mind off zeros.

GYPSY: Zeros.

SERVO: Zeros.

GYPSY: Zeros.

SERVO: All of my salesmen a-r-e zeros.  Aah.

[Music changes]

[Servo provides chirping noise]

CROW: Good evening, sonny.

SERVO: Hi, Dad.

CROW: You look depressed.

SERVO: I am.

GYPSY: Come on and have some lemonade.

SERVO: Thanks, Mom, but that won't help.

CROW: Just get it off your chest.

SERVO: Okay.

[Music speeds up]

       I suck at my job.

CROW: No, you don't.

SERVO: Yes, I do.

GYPSY: Oh, my.

SERVO: My salesmen are slobs.

CROW: No, they aren't.

SERVO: Yes, they do.

GYPSY: Huh?

SERVO: I'd like to make a sell, but what can I do?
       I'm gonna be a failure just like you, Dad.

CROW: Like me?

SERVO: That's right, I'll be a failure just like y-o-u!

CROW: Now, frikl...so--

JOEL: Extry, extry, read all about it!
      Pearl Harbor bombed!
      Roosevelt declares war!

SERVO: Well, that's it!

CROW: What's it?

SERVO: Uncle Sam's gonna need cars.  Why, selling Chevrolets is 
gonna help the
war effort.  Don't ya see, Dad?  Come on everybody!

ALL: S-e-e the U.S.A. in the--

JOEL: Stop!  We got Commercial Sign.

[Random oh's and uh's from the 'bots]

SERVO: For crying out loud!

CROW: What's the point?

JOEL: Commercial Sign.


Transcribed by Amanda (ecameron@groucho.mrc.unm.edu) and Lisa 
Jenkins.


Other
-----

"Satellite of Love"
from IT'S ALIVE! an Experiment "World Without End"
originally from Lou Reed's "Satellite of Love"

[On stage:]

JOEL: Satellite's gone--up to the stars.
      Things like that drive me out of my mind.

SERVO: [in background] Oooooo!

JOEL: We're only here a little while.
      [spoken]
      Are you like us?

SERVO: [in background] Ahh!

JOEL: [spoken] Do you like to watch things on TV?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

SERVO: Ah, ah, ah, ah. Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.


---
 * Origin: TheRose BBS +1(503)286-3855 - UseNet <=> FidoNet Gate 
(1:105/7)
@PATH: 30707/99 105/8

----------------------------------------------------------------------
(9)   14 May 93  00:00:16                             
By: Rich Kulawiec
To: All
Re: Pt 5/5: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Songs
----------------------------------------------------------------------
@SPLIT: 18 May 93  03:09:00 @105/7      1001 05/05 +++++++++++
@PID: Fred 1.9n6
SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.
                Satellite of--

SERVO: Love.

JOEL: Satellite's gone--way up to Mars.

SERVO: [in background] Ooo!  Ahh!

JOEL: [spoken]
      Hey, Frank.  Take this one.

FRANK: Uh, it seems like we're all gonna be parking cars.
       Jack?

JACK PERKINS: I watched it for a little while,
              And for me--that is good TV!

JOEL and SERVO: Ah, ah, ah, ah.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL and SERVO: Satellite of love.
                Satellite of--
JOEL: [spoken]
      I've been told
      That you feel bold
      About Gypsy--

GYPSY: Yeah!

JOEL: --Crow and Tom.

SERVO: Ye-ho!

JOEL: Monday, Tuesday,

JOEL and SERVO: Wenesday, Thursday.

JOEL: Gypsy--

GYPSY: Yeah!

JOEL: --Crow and Tom.

SERVO: Tom!  Ye-ho!  Ah!

DR. FORRESTER: Finally, satellite's gone--up to the sky.

SERVO: Du, du, du, du, du, du.

DR. FORRESTER: This time it'll blow you're little mind.

SERVO: Ah, ha.

GYPSY: Ah!

DR. FORRESTER: I watched you for a little while,
               And then I changed to Charles in Charge.

FRANK: Hey!  That doesn't rhyme!

JOEL and SERVO: Ah, ah, ah.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: Satellite of love.

SERVO: Bop.

CROW: Bop.

GYPSY: Bop.

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: Satellite of love.
                       Satellite of--

SERVO: [spoken]  Okay, people, I want you to twink your fingers for 
those of us
who can't!  Twink!  Come on now!  I want you to sing with us, now.  
Sing with
feeling; sing with heart; sing "Satellite of Love."  Here we go.

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO:  Satellite--of love.

GYPSY: Love!

SERVO: Sing along now.

JOEL, Frank and Servo: Satellite--

GYPSY: Satellite!

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: --of love.

JOEL, FRANK, SERVO and CROW: Satellite--

GYPSY: Satellite!

JOEL, FRANK and SERVO: --of love.

JOEL: [spoken] Thanks for coming!  I--we hope you had fun in outer 
space.

SERVO: Satellite--

JOEL: Thank you.

SERVO: --of love.

JOEL: Good night.

[They reprised the last section two more times.]

Transcribed by Lisa Jenkins.


And finally, from Lisa:

Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are 
copyright 
1993 Best Brains, Inc.  This publication is not meant to infringe 
on any 
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, HBO, Showtime or its 
employees.  The information herein is subject to being wrong.  The 
lyrics are 
free to distribute as long as this notice remains intact. 


---
 * Origin: TheRose BBS +1(503)286-3855 - UseNet <=> FidoNet Gate 
(1:105/7)
@PATH: 30707/99 105/8

----------------------------------------------------------------------
(10)   14 May 93  00:00:20                             
By: Rich Kulawiec
To: All
Re: Pt 1/3: Mystery Science Theater 3000 FAQ
----------------------------------------------------------------------
@SPLIT: 18 May 93  03:09:14 @105/7      1001 01/03 +++++++++++
@MSGID: 1:105/7@fidonet 0d3355d8
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k
Organization: Cardiothoracic Imaging Research Center
Reply-To: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu
@Message-ID: <tv/mst3k/faq_737352007@GZA.COM>
@Date: 14 May 1993 00:00:20 -0400

@PID: Fred 1.9n6
Archive-name: tv/mst3k/faq
Version: $Header: Faq,v 1.18 93/03/14 11:09:05 rsk Exp $

This is the "Frequently Asked Questions and Answers" 
mailing/posting for
fans of "Mystery Science Theater 3000".  It was originally written in
the summer of 1991, and has been revised from time to time since 
then.
You should probably check the date in the "Version" line above to 
make
sure the copy you're reading is reasonably up-to-date before sending
corrections.  Speaking of which, corrections should be mailed to:

rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu

AND should have a "Subject:" line that indicates that the message 
contains
corrections to the MST3K FAQ.

---Rsk

Q. What it's all about, really?

A.  MST3K is "Mystery Science Theater 3000", a program carried by 
"Comedy
Central", which in turn is carried by various cable companies here 
and there.
(MST3K was originally picked up by "The Comedy Channel", which merged
with "Ha!", changed its name to "CTV" and then to "Comedy Central".)
The idea of the show is simple: pick really bad movies (e.g. 
"Gamera",
"Daddy-O", "Cave Dwellers", "Fugitive Alien", etc.) and heckle them.
There are two elements that make it fascinating...

1. The cast of characters.  Our hero, Joel, has been blasted into 
space
by his bosses at the Gizmonic Institute, who are actually subjecting
him to these films in order to assess his reactions.  Joel, a 
pleasant
enough fellow, has constructed Tom Servo, Crow, Gypsy, and Cambot
from various pieces of his spacecraft in order to have someone to
share his plight.  Unfortunately, in putting them together, he used 
up
the parts that control when the movies begin and end...

Back on earth, Dr. Clayton Forrester and his henchman Frank select
each week's film and inflict it on Joel and his robot friends...who
respond by unmercifully shredding it from beginning to end.  We watch
the whole movie sitting in the theater behind them...except for the
portions surrounding some of the commercial breaks where they do 
parodies,
annoy Frank and Clayton, etc.  (Their microproduction of the
Wagner/Sandy Frank epic "Gameradaemmerung" was terrific.)

2. The heckling is good.  REALLY good.  What makes this worth 
watching is
that their heckling comments draw from such a diversity of sources;
in a five-minute stretch one recent Saturday, they referenced "This 
is
Spinal Tap", "Moby Dick", "2001", the Wall Street Journal, Don King,
Buddha...and more.  The writers for this show are incredibly 
culturally
literate -- and they keep in touch with current affairs as well.
Think of them as smart-asses who read the New York Times; you have to
be mentally nimble to follow some of their comments.

MST3K is the funniest thing I've seen on television since the 
original
Saturday Night Live (circa late 70's).  Watch it.  Tape it.  Heckle 
it.

Q. How do you join the fan club?

A. Just send a letter to:

        MST3K Information Club
        PO Box 5325
        Hopkins, MN 55343

You'll get a lifetime subscription to the MST3K Satellite News 
(formerly The
Binding Polymer), with letters and interviews, merchandise order 
forms, etc.

and

Your official MST3K fan club certificate, which is a full 8 1/2 by 11


and
Your official MST3K fan club card, attached to a yellow neon flyer.
The text on the flyer reads:

        "This is your MST3K MEMBERSHIP CARD.  Display it proudly, 
carry it
        always.  Keep it close to your heart, because if you keep 
it in your
        back pocket it will get all sweaty and yucky and start to 
come apart
        and you won't want to show it to anyone.  Or, you could 
take it to
        one of those places at the bus station that have those neat 
laminating
        machines and make it way cool.  Or, don't.  See if we care. 
 In any
        case thanks for being a new member."

The card itself is 3 5/8" wide by 2 3/8" tall (if you cut on the
dotted lines) and is quite suitable for carrying in a wallet.
The card bears the image of an atom (generated by computer) as
well as the legend "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 FAN CLUB.  This
certifies that (space for name), is an official member of the
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Fan Club.  Member# (space)."

You'll also be on the mailing list of MST3K fans.  You'll
get notices about schedule changes, offers from Best Brains, Inc.,
discounts on merchandise (e.g. T-shirts), and other goodies.

Q. Is that different from Comedy Central's mailing list?

A. Yepper.  To get on CC's list, contact:

Comedy Central
1775 Broadway
New York, NY 10019
(212) 767-8600

Q. Back to MST3K - so what's this Live Survival Kit thingy?

A. Well, if you send a check for $5 (payable to "Best Brains, 
Inc.") to them,
you'll get:

(If you're in Minnesota, add 6.5% sales tax, by the way)

A piece of paper enclosing several other sheets, marked
"Classified - contains top secret MST 3000 Fan club material".
When you unfold it, the inside is the "MST 3000 'MOVIE SIGN' Home
Viewing Simulator (MSHVS)", which has the familiar picture of
theater seats and Joel and the bots at the bottom, with the 
instructions :

          INSTRUCTIONS:
        1. Cut out.
        2. Place on your TV screen.
        3. Gather your favorite pals.
           (Or build them out of spare parts.)
        4. Look for a goofy movie or dumb TV show.
        5. Say stupid (and clever) things.

The sheets contained inside are:

        A list of episodes for seasons 1 and 2, e.g. the MST3K
        Experiment Guide with the lyrics to the Love Theme on the
        other side.

        The MST3K Technical Journal Vol 1 No 1 and Vol 1 No 3, and/or
        some technical updates.

        "Spark-O!" The best brains wacky rolling action figure (a 
really
        crude cut-out that you're supposed to tape together and put 
on
        top of a marble)

        The MST3K Price Rebel Icon merchandise temple catalogue, 
which includes
        such items as the MST3K Fluid Containment Vessel (a MST3K 
mug),
        the Mad Scientist Clock, the MST3K Official Command Cap
        the MST3K Bumper Stickler (a clear sticker that has the 
logo and
        "MOVIE SIGN" in black, the MST3K Life Survival Kit, T-shirts
        (S, M, L, XL), and Fan Photos:
            - Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy on the Satellite of Love
            - Dr. Forrester and Frank in Deep 13
            (note: autographs are not real...they are part of the 
photo)

Q. What are the lyrics to the opening song?

A. "Love Theme from M.S.T. 3000"

        In the not-too-distant future,
        Next Sunday A.D.
        There was a guy named Joel,
        Not too different from you or me.
        He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
        Just another face in a red jumpsuit.
        He did a good job cleanin' up the place,
        But his bosses didn't like him,
        So they shot him into space.
        
        We'll send him cheesy movies,
        The worst we can find (la la la).
        He'll have to sit and watch them all,
        And we'll monitor his mind (la la la).
        
        Now keep in mind Joel can't control
        When the movies begin and end (la la la),
        Because he used those special parts
        To make his robot friends.
        
        Robot Roll Call: (Let's go)                          [ Some 
debate on "let's go" ]
        Cambot                    (Pan left)
        Gypsy                   (Hi girl)
        Tom Servo          (What a cool guy)
        Crooooooooooow  (Wisecracker)
        
        If you're wond'ring how he eats and breathes,
        and other science facts (la la la),
        Then repeat to yourself,
        "It's just a show, I should really just relax
        for Mystery Science Theater 3000..."
        
        (c) Best Brains Inc., for sticklers.

Q. Didn't the lyrics change?

A. Yup, they used to be different.  We're not exactly sure what
they are yet, but something like:

        In the not-too-distant future,
        Next Sunday, A.D.
        There was a guy named Joel,
        Not too different than you or me.
        He worked in a satellite loading bay,
        Just polishing switches to pay his way,
        He did his job well with a cheerful face,
        But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space.
        
        We'll send him cheesy movies,
        The worst ever made,
        Joel says when you have lemons
        You make lemonade,
        Now keep in mind he can't control
        When the movies begin or end,
        Because he used the extra parts
        To make his robot friends.

        Robot Roll Call:
        Cambot
        Gypsy
        Tom Servo
        Crooooooooooow
        
        If you're wond'ring how he eats and breathes,
        and other science facts (la la la),
        Just repeat to yourself,
        "It's just a show, I should really just relax
        for Mystery Science Theater 3000..."

Q. How 'bout an episode guide?

A. Well, there used to be one *right here*; but it's been moved to
a separate posting because it's starting to get too big.

Q. When is the show on?

A. (All times EST)
        Saturdays 12:00 am (i.e. Friday midnight)
        Saturdays 10am 
        Saturdays 7pm (repeat of previous show)

Q. If I have a satellite dish, can I pick up Comedy Central?

A.  Yes, both the East (Galaxy 1, transponder 1) and West (Galaxy 3,
transponder 23) coast feeds.  The West feed runs the same
programming as the East, but is delayed by three hours.  You do 
need to
subscribe to Comedy Central first, though, which requires you to 
have an
IRD receiver (VideoCypher II Plus).  The a la carte subscription 
price is
somewhere between $5 and $10 per year, and is available through a 
number of
vendors.  Many vendors offer subscription packages that include 
Comedy
Central as well.  Check any satellite TV guide for their ads and 
pricing.

Q. Who plays what part in the show?

        Magic Voice: Jann Johnson (production coordinator) did it for
                 one season; Alexandra Carr, Ellen McDonough and 
Kevin Murphy
                 have done it since.
        Joel: Joel Hodgson
        Gypsy: Jim Mallon
        Dr. Clayton Forrester & Crow: Trace Beaulieu
        Dr. Larry Erhardt & original Tom Servo: Josh Weinstein
        Frank: Frank Conniff
        Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
        Cambot: Himself
        Occasional extra characters, such as Jack Perkins, the 
Amazing
                 Colossal Man, and various aliens: Mike Nelson
        Occasional extra characters, such as "Miracle Growth Baby 
(After)":
                 Timothy Scott  ("Miracle Growth Baby (Before)" was 
played
                 by Jim Mallon's son Eli.)
        
Q. Can Gypsy enter the theater?

A. Yes; she's been there briefly in three shows (Untamed Youth,
Wild Rebels or Hellcats, and Hercules and the Captive Women).  In one
episode, Gypsy tries to participate in the experiment, but isn't 
witty
enough to keep up...or maybe she was just overcome by nausea.

Q. What are the robots made of?

A.  Crow is mostly made of sporting equipment:
    
        Pingpong balls (the kind that glow in the dark, which
                 explains their green-yellow hue on the set) for 
eyes;
                 his pupils are square bits of electrical tape
        Plastic bowling pin for mouth
        His head (around his eyes) is a soap dish (!)
        Arms - adjustable desk lamp parts, with closed-cell foam 
tubing
                 (the kind used to insulate water pipes)
                 on the upper part
        Neck -- a Popeet toy
        Thing on the back of his head - hockey mask (Cooper XL7FG)
        Torso: a set of Tupperware from a set called "Floralier"
                 plus part of another set.  (It was a 
flower-arranging set.
                 No longer made.  The set consists of a tall 
conical vase
                 that snaps into a short conical vase that then 
snaps onto
                 a tray.  Two trays, face to face make his 
shoulders and
                 the vases are below, turned upside down.  The 
whole thing
                 is then spray-painted gold over its original white 
plastic. )
        Legs -- he has 'em, but what are they made of?  (They look
                 like more lamp parts)

Tom Servo is mostly made of toys:

        Gumball machine for head (it comes in that red color)
                 made by Carousel Industries of Des Plaines, IL;
                 the name for it is "executive snack dispenser".
                 His beak has been spray-painted silver.
        Barrel from "Kid's Barrell Bank" for body
        Flashlight heads for shoulders
        Springs or slinkys for arms
        His hands are doll hands
        His base is made of foam tubing
        His hoverskirt is made from an inverted white plastic bowl
                 which in a former lift had "Happy Halloween" 
painted on it
                 in a seriously stupid font. The black doodads 
adorning the
                 hoverskirt are pieces of black styrene vacu-formed
                 over a toy "turbo train" engine.
        The "thing" on his chest might be some sort of toy engine 
block.

Gypsy is made of household items:
    
        Flashlight for eye
        Child's car seat for head
        Hose for neck & body ("drain tile"; also used to frame
                 the SOL's windows)
        Lips are foam tubing

Cambot is made of ??:
        Rotating alarm light on top
        Some sort of hose, a la Gypsy
        
Q. What are some of the items on the set?

A. Items spotted so far include:

        All over the set: Assorted trays, drawer organizers,
        bowls, flower pots, ice cube trays, divided dinner
        plates, cups and silverware drawer trays.
 
        Left Side of Bridge: Speak and Spell (see ET movie),
        plastic baseball bat, badminton racquet, child's potty
        seat, motorman's helper, Hungry, Hungry Hippos game,
        Hot Wheels storage case (shaped like mag wheel), plastic
        bowling pins, large Millennium Falcon space ship (either
        model kit or action figure playset), "Trouble" game
        with pop-o-matic center, Playschool ball with shaped
        holes in it that kids put shaped blocks into, rubber
        tyrannosaurus, toy telephone, telephone handset, egg tray,
        toy race car.

        Joel's Desk in Center of Bridge: Two bases for plastic 
birdbaths
        turned upside down, at least 7 cameras and one big 
Polaroid-type
        camera, whiffle ball, plastic angel, hair curlers, small 
plastic

---
 * Origin: TheRose BBS +1(503)286-3855 - UseNet <=> FidoNet Gate 
(1:105/7)
@PATH: 30707/99 105/8

----------------------------------------------------------------------
(11)   14 May 93  00:00:20                             
By: Rich Kulawiec
To: All
Re: Pt 2/3: Mystery Science Theater 3000 FAQ
----------------------------------------------------------------------
@SPLIT: 18 May 93  03:09:14 @105/7      1001 02/03 +++++++++++
@PID: Fred 1.9n6
        bowling ball, spray can tops (the buttons).
 
        Over Main Door: Silverware trays, Hungry, Hungry Hippos game,
        2 potty chair seats, 2 hockey-type shin guards, 2 plastic 
christmas
        lawn reindeer (upside down), front of a castle-shaped action
        toy playset (name unknown). 

        Right Side of Bridge: Many, many toy horns and trumpets, 
many,
        many heart-shaped containers, 2 jello molds, 2 plastic 
baseball
        bats, plastic dish drain rack, another Playschool shape-ball,
        toy fencing sword, plastic ladle, plastic toy shovel, toy 
boat,
        toy crane, rubber brontosaurus, toy guitar or ukelele.

Q. How come Tom Servo can't walk, but can sometimes move down the 
seats
        in the theater? (Just Relax :-)

A. Tom Servo's means of locomotion is a hoverskirt; there's a 
heating grate on
the way in to the theater that Joel has to carry Tom over.  This is 
mentioned
in passing as they're walking out of the theater during one of the 
earlier
episodes (with Josh Weinstein).

Q. If I want to show some of the episodes to a group, what do I do?

A.  To get permission to screen episodes in a public or semi-public
situation, call the following person:

Tony Fox
Comedy Central
1775 Broadway
9th floor
New York, NY 10019

Office: (212) 767-8746 
   FAX: (212) 767-8582

HBO controls the showing of the episodes under their contract with
BBI, so they're the ones you'll have to talk to.

Q. What is "Play MST for Me?

A.  It's a videotape made available for members of the fan club 
only.  It
contains songs from the various MST3K experiments.

Q. What are the differences between seasons 1 and 2?

A.  The #2 mad scientist is Frank instead of Larry.
Tom Servo's voice is different.
The opening set is a larger model.
The spaceship launch is more elaborate.
The opening credits contain different clips.
SOL background is 3D instead of painted set.
Robot Roll Call has identifying letters instead of
        Joel staring into the camera.
Cambot is different.
Joel can be seen wearing different colored jumpsuits.
Joel no longer eats grapes after hitting buttons.

Q. Where have I heard "Satellite of Love" before?

A. The Jerry Lewis Telethon people call the satellite the "Satellite
of Love".  It's also the title of a song first recorded by Lou Reed,
and about to be covered by U2.

Q. What are the words to the Weinerman song?

A.  I know a wienerman,
    He owns a wiener stand.
    He sells most anything
    From hot dogs on down.
    Some day I'll be his wife.
    We'll eat wieners all our lives.
    Hot Dog!  I love that wienerman!

Q. What are some of the running gags/most often used lines?

A planet where apes evolved from men? (Planet of the Apes)
Aaaugh!  Don't DO that! ("Stinky" from the Abbott & Costello Show)
Again with the finger!  (The Sunshine Boys)
All over the world!  Ooo!
Am I a CLOWN?!  Do I AMUSE YOU?! (GoodFellas)
Animals vill be bred und SLAUGHTERED! (Dr. Strangelove)
And now Red in the Silent Spot. (old Red Skelton routine)
And there, on the door handle, was a HOOK! (Traditional campfire 
story)
Are you known for your work in the theater? (What's My Line?)

B-doom  Shing!  (Comedy rimshot)
Bad Touch! (various anti-child-abuse films)
Before this decade is out we will put a man on the moon.  (John F. 
Kennedy)
Bird, LIVES, man! (i.e. Charlie Parker)
Bite me.
Busted!
By this time my lungs were aching for air. (Lloyd Bridges' Sea Hunt)

Charlie, they took my thumbs! (The Pope of Greenwich Village)
Chicka-chicka Bwomp Bwomp!  Chicka-chicka Bwomp Bwomp!  (porno music)
Chief!  McCloud!  (McCloud)
Chili peppers burn my gut. (Side Hackers)
Chopper always leaves you laughing.  Ha haha ha  ha ha ha  (Takeoff 
on
        Bozo the clown's closing line)

Deep Hurting! (Metholatum's "Deep Heating")
Dibs!  I got dibs!  I said it first!
Do you find me pleasing?  Do I please you? (Star Trek, TOS; might 
also
        be from the "public speaking" short on MST3K)
Do you want to go faster?  (Yea!)  Raise your hands if you want to go
        faster!  (Yea!)
Does this bug you?  I'm not touching you. (Any five-year-old, or 
maybe
        from a Wayne Cotter routine)
Don't look at me!  Don't you look at me!  Mommy!  MOMMY!  (Blue 
Velvet)
Don't you do it! (An Officer and a Gentleman)
Dweezle Dwyzle Dwazle Dwome.  Time for this one to come home. 
(Tooter the Turtle)

Enter?  What ever happened to 'Come in?'  (The Sunshine Boys)

Faster, pussycat, kill, kill! (Russ Meyer title)
Fisher! (nut commercial)
Football practice! (Shocker)

Game over, man! (Aliens)
Get these spiders offa me! (parody of drunks w/DT's)
Get your hands off me, you damn, dirty ape! (Planet of the Apes)
Go to bed, old man! (Star Trek...maybe "Cat's Paw"?)
Good night and may God bless! (Red Skelton)
Gymkata! (Gymkata)

Have a little fire, Scarecrow! (Wizard of Oz)
He asked me!  He asked me!  (Monty Python)
He is one weird mamma jamma.
He tried to kill me with a forklift... (Fugitive Alien I)
Heeeey!  It's the Undersea Kingdom for you and for me and it's 
fiiiiiine!
   (Crash Corrigan and the Undersea Kingdom)
Hellooooooooo, Baaaaaaaaby! (The Big Bopper)
Hello, Cleveland!  Rock and roll! (Spinal Tap)
Hello, Shoil! (Laverne & Shirley)
Hi-Keeba! (Women of the Prehistoric Planet)
Honk!  Shoo!  Mimimimimimi!  (Three Stooges snore--Moe, Larry, and 
Shemp)
Hooker's a good cop! (TJ Hooker)
Hot and spicy!  Texas Style!
How fortunate!  This will simplify everything! (The Phantom Creeps,
        Episode 2, a la Bela Lugosi)
Hurts, don't it?  Tell your friends. (Roadhouse)
Huzzah! (Ren Fest, or other renaissance festival)

I *WILL* kill him! (Sting, from Dune)
I am Kirok! (Star Trek, TOS)
I am not an animal!  I am a human being! (A Man Called Horse, and
                 "Elephant Man")
I can't turn it off!  I don't know how it works! (variation on...)
I can't bring it back!  I don't know how it works!  Goodbye, folks! 
(Wizard of Oz)
I could sure go for some charbroiled hamburgers and french-fried 
potatoes. 
   (Jungle Goddess)
I do I do I DO believe in spooks! (Wizard of Oz)
I don't think sooo. (Roger Rabbit, among others)
I got nowhere else to go! (An Officer and a Gentleman)
I had Jello today.
I like you--that's why I'm going to kill you last. (Commando)
I'll harm you! (Joe Besser)
I'm Batman (Batman)
I'm a Grimwold Warrior! (Saga of the Viking Women and... you know)
I'm comin' Beanie Boy! (Beanie and Cecil)
I'm coming 'Liz'beth!  (Sanford and Son)
I'm dead now.  Please don't smoke. (Yul Brenner, ALA commercial)
I'm feeling really good.  (Gamera vs. Guiron)
I'm going to give you such a pinch! (Joe Besser)
I'm going to kill you!  Why?  Because you're going to die!"
        (various James Bond movies)
I'm huge! (Cave Dwellers)
I'm hysterical, and I'm wet, and I'm in pain! (The Producers)
I'm made of liquid metal. (T2, a la Ahnold)
I'm the god!  I'M THE GOD! (Twilight Zone, "The Little People")
I'm your boyfriend now!  Blabblabblabblah!
Interesting--but STUPID! (Laugh-in)
It hurts!  It really hurts!
Is it safe? (Marathon Man)
It is balloon! (F Troop)
It puts the lotion on its skin. (Silence of the Lambs)
It stinks! [w/ OK hand gesture] (Pod People)
It was faaaaabuloooous!
It's hot and it hurts and stuff. (Bactine commercial)
It's my way or the highway. (Roadhouse)
It's the Sunday Mystery Movie!  Oooeeeooo!  OooEEEooo!

Jimmy Smitts (Switch)
Join us!
Just KILL it!  Don't PLAY with it!
Just shakin' the bushes, boss.  (Cool Hand Luke)

Koyaaaaanisqatsiiiiiiii!! (Koyaanisqatsi)

Little pants!
Look into your heart! (Miller's Crossing)

Mazola corn goodness... (Mazola commercial)
McCloud!!! (McCloud)
MMMMMMMMENDOOOOOOOZAAAAAAAA!!  (McBain, The Simpsons...who are both
        probably refering Robert DeNiro's character in "The Mission")
Mm-HMMMMmmmm, that's good weed! (Carson, a la Art Fern)
Mommy!  Mommy!  Don't look at me!  I said never look at me!
        (Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet)
My mother was a saint! (Public Enemy #1)

N Y P D (NYPD)
Nice tag!
Nice swoon.
Noooo!!  (Cave Dwellers)
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die. (James Bond)

Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that.
Oh, the pain, the pain... (Lost In Space)
Ohhhh, lady! (Jerry Lewis)
Oil Can!  Oil Can! (Wizard of Oz)
Oops, sorry! That was me...
Ouch!  I fell on my keys. (Wayne's World/The Producers)

Pepperidge Fa-ahm remembahs. (Commercial)
Puma?  Puma! (Ring of Terror)

Saaaaaaay!
Saigon.  I can't believe I'm still in Saigon. (Apocalypse Now)
Seen it!  (Hated it!  Taped it!)
Serpentine! (The In-Laws)
Skipper!  Little buddy! (Gilligan's Island)
SLEEP!
Smuckers jellies and jams...
Spock!  Spock! (Star Trek, TOS)
SuperCaaaaar!   SuperCaaaaar!  (The old "Supercar" show)

Thank you, I'll be here all week.  Enjoy the buffet! (generic 
lounge singer)
Thank you, (Tommy Kirk/Eugene Castle/etc.) for making us laugh at
        (love/winter/etc.) again.
That's what I'm asking. I don't know! THIRD BASE! (Abbott and 
Costello)
The horror!  The horror! (Apocalypse Now, and Joseph Conrad's
        "Heart of Darkness" on which it was based.)
The Invaders/The Time Tunnel/etc.  In color!
This is a Woozle.  His name is Peanut.  (Jeff Dunham Routine)
This is not my beautiful wife/house! (Talking Heads, "Once in a 
Lifetime")
This is the grandest of all! (Jack Perkins)
This is this.  (Phantom Creeps 1)
This square bugs me!  He really bugs me! (Wild Rebels)
This was no boating accident. (Jaws)
Throw me the whip!  Throw me the idol! (Raiders of the Lost Arc)
Thunderbirds are go! (Thunderbirds in Outer Space)
Tonight on Emergency 911 (Emergency 911)
Tonight, on a very special Trapper John, MD
Top of the world, ma! (James Cagney in WHITE HEAT)
Turned around and the hitchhiker was GONE! (urban legend; see also
        "Hold On, It's Coming" by Country Joe and the Fish, circa 
1971)

Wah, wah, wah, wah, waAaAaAaAaAaAa! (generic cartoon/sitcom muted 
trumpet)
Wanna go to Lou's Place?  Ooo-hoo LOU!
Warriors, come out and play! (The Warriors)
Watch out for the backdraft. (Backdraft)
Water, the source of all life! (any nature special)
We're gonna get a bigger boat, right? (Jaws)
We're having an adventure--just like the Goonies!
We're outta the dark; we're outta the woods; we're outta the 
niiiiiight...!
   (Wizard of Oz)
Welcome to Death Valley Days.  The driver is either missing or he's
        dead. (Ronald Reagan, Death Valley Days)
Well it was about this time the Ol' Duke Boys... (Dukes of Hazzard)
What about Scarecrow's brain? (The Wizard of Oz)
What would McGyver do?
What we have here is a failure to communicate (Cool Hand Luke)
What's that, boy?  Daddy's hurt?  Down in deadrock canyon?  (Lassie)
When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way, man! (West Side Story)
Works every time.

Xanadu, stately home of Charles Foster Kane.  Cost, no one can say.
        (Citizen Kane)

You... are going... to die!  Because I... am going... to KILL you!
You and your friends are the only creeps around this place.  (Wild 
Rebels)
You *will* bow down before me! (Superman)
You did it!  You finally did it, Damn you all to hell! (Planet of 
the Apes)
You die Joe! (generic Pacific-theater World War II movie)
You go; I'm bitter. (Seven Samurai?)
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.
        (Talking Heads, "Once in a Lifetime")
You must sink the Bismarck. (Sink the Bismarck)
You're not my real father! (Star Wars?)
You've broken ape law. (Planet of the Apes)
You've made the grade and the papers want to know whose shirts you 
wear!
        (Davie Bowie, "Space Oddity")

Zack Norman is Sammy in Chief Zabu. (old Variety ad)

Q. Is there an anonymous FTP site that archives this stuff?

A. Yepper! Anonymous FTP site info:

        Location:          "gynko.circ.upenn.edu"  or  "128.91.200.5"
        Directory:          pub/rsk/mst3k/*

Q. What's in there, anyway?

A> Well, in the "images" subdirectory, you'll find:

        GIFs of Tom Servo (and other MST3K folks) available:

        cambot.gif          - Joel with cambot in the mirror
        croooow!.gif          - the wisecracker himself
        crowjoel.gif          - in the theater from the opening 
credits
        gizmonic.gif          - the grounds of the venerable 
institute
        gypsy.gif          - Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! 
Richard Basehart!

Note: There are other images as well; this list is being revised and
updated, and the images will probably be converted to jpg's to save 
space.

Q. Well, I'd like to have some more images (I have disk space to 
burn!);
how can I get them?

A. Look in the "images1" subdirectory; these shots were made by
Donald Cotnoir-Strong, and provided by Patrick Fitzgerald.

The images available in that directory are:
 
Filename        Description
--------------- ----------------------------------------
afterord.jpg    Crow, Joel, and Tom Servo (after Tom's head blew up)
anotherf.jpg    Joel, just another guy in a red jumpsuit.
bighead.jpg     Crow, Joel (with "Big Head"), and Tom Servo
bosses.jpg      Dr. Forrester & Frank, nice green tint
cambot.jpg      Cambot (in mirror) and Joel
classydu.jpg    Crow and Tom Servo all dressed up
croooow!.jpg    Crow, from the robot roll call
crowandt.jpg    Crow and Tom Servo
crowjoel.jpg    Crow, Joel, and Tom Servo in theater (poor quality)
crowshat.jpg    Crow in "Shatner mode" (poor quality)
dressedu.jpg    Joel, Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy, all dressed up
drummach.jpg    The BGC19 drum machine
gizmonic.jpg    Gizmonic Institute.
gypsy.jpg       Gypsy, from the robot roll call
lalala.jpg      Dr. Forrester & Frank, singing lalala.
mst3k.jpg       Planetoid with Mystery Science Theatre 3000 logo.
mst3k_mon.jpg   Montage: mst3k.jpg, bosses.jpg, robotfri.jpg, 
drummach.jpg
nottoodi.jpg    Joel tipping hat (not too different from you or me)
robotfri.jpg    Joel making his robot friends (Crow, Tom Servo, 
Gypsy)
robotrol.jpg    Joel holds up the "Robot Roll Call" sign
servodyi.jpg    Joel holding Tom Servo after his head exploded
servohur.jpg    Closeup of Tom Servo's exploded head
snapout.jpg     Joel hits Crow to get him to snap out of Shatner mode
tickleba.jpg    Joe, Tom Servo, and Crow demonstrate the tickle 
bazooka
tomservo.jpg    Tom Servo, from the robot roll call
turkeyda.jpg    Turkey Day logo
witafork.jpg    Joel demonstrates killing Ken with a toy forklift.

Q. Gee, this FTP site seems a bit disorganized!


---
 * Origin: TheRose BBS +1(503)286-3855 - UseNet <=> FidoNet Gate 
(1:105/7)
@PATH: 30707/99 105/8

----------------------------------------------------------------------
(12)   14 May 93  00:00:20                             
By: Rich Kulawiec
To: All
Re: Pt 3/3: Mystery Science Theater 3000 FAQ
----------------------------------------------------------------------
@SPLIT: 18 May 93  03:09:14 @105/7      1001 03/03 +++++++++++
@PID: Fred 1.9n6
A. Well, yes, it probably is; I'm cleaning it up and trying to get
the README's in it and this FAQ in sync.  Please try to pardon our 
dust. ;-)
 
Q. How can I get to view episodes I don't have?

A. Post your request to the newsletter; we're all circulating the 
tapes.
Alternatively, you might want to try sending mail to someone else on
the mailing list (check the "From:" lines) who has commented on the
particular show you want -- they probably have the tape.

Q. What is the "Satellite of Love Newsletter"?

A. It's an electronic newsletter that started in the late summer of 
1991
to provide a way for fans of the show to communicate with each other.
Issues come out erratically, although the editor has been heard 
mumbling
something about "twice a month" recently, so this might actually 
represent
some thinking about a semiregular schedule.  In any event, the 
items in
the newsletter are contributed by its readers, of which there are 
several
hundred.  To subscribe, drop a line to 
soln-request@gynko.circ.upenn.edu.

Q. How do I submit items to the newsletter?

A. Send mail to "soln@gynko.circ.upenn.edu" (This will cause
the program that files my mail to put your letter in my mst3k 
folder.)


        Reminder: soln-request@gynko.circ.upenn.edu for administrivia
                   soln@gynko.circ.upenn.edu for submissions

Q. How do I get back issues of the newsletter?

A. Check the anonymous FTP site at gynko (see above), or drop me a 
line;
I'll probably automate this at some point.

Q. Does Best Brains allow visits or provide tours?

If you're going to be in the Minneapolis area and would like to 
visit Best
Brains (in Eden Prairie), there are some things you should be aware 
of.

1. YOU MUST CALL FIRST! TOURS ARE ONLY BY APPOINTMENT, and they 
sometimes
try to setup more than one group at a time if they are small. Also, 
Best
Brains works on an 8 day production schedule (which does not 
include the
weekend), and they only give tours now on Fridays when they aren't 
shooting
the video for an episode (these are the "writing" days). This 
causes their
free time to "rotate", and means that the actually available day 
for a tour
is somewhat unpredictable.

They are very busy people during production days. Since tours occur 
once or
twice a month, you'll need to call at least 3-4 weeks in advance to 
arrange
your appointment (and call them a few days before you intend to 
arrive to
confirm that things haven't changed).

Contact them at (612) 941-8024 (ask for Sarah if she's available); or
via fax at (612) 941-8250.  By the way, their address is:

Best Brains, Inc.
7615 Golden Triangle Drive, #J
Eden Prairie, Minnesota 55344

The tour lasts from 30-60 minutes; depending on what's going
on, how big the group is, who happens to be in the office that
day, your questions, etc. It goes quickly.

2. Since their mailing address is a P.O. Box, you'll need to knpw 
how to
find them. The office is in Eden Prairie. Rather than post 
directions or
address information here, Best Brains has asked me to say that they
would prefer anyone desiring a visit to call them to get directions.
They want to prevent people from accidently sending mail to the wrong
address instead of the PO Box, and their office is a little tricky to
find anyone (one way roads and such). Given that their fan club is
growing extremely large rapidly, this concern is understandable and I
respect their wishes.

3. The good news is that the TOURS ARE FREE, you can often buy some
of the MST3k merchandise there directly, and THEY ALLOW YOU TO
TAKE PHOTOS! However, THEY DO NOT ALLOW VIDEO OR MOVIE CAMERAS.

Since the tour takes place on a real working day, people,
props, and sets can be pretty disorganized. What you get to see
sometimes depends on what is lying around. But, there is a
chance you'll get to see/meet one of the familiar people
involved in the production. If you promise not to feed them,
they often will come over and talk for a while ;-).

Q. Do they sell merchandise?

A. Yes, through the information club. Currently available are 
T-shirts,
posters, coffee mugs, lunch box, photos.

Q. Why are Tom Servo's hands flesh colored on the mug, lunchbox, 
and poster?

A. Tom Servo's hands and chest "engine" are now created by pouring 
plastic
into a mold, because the original parts are hard to find. The plastic
they use is the same plastic used in making hearing aids, hence the 
flesh
color.  They forgot to paint Tom's hands before taking the photos 
used
in the mug, lunchbox, and poster.

Q. Why is Tom Servo's head a cylinder in a few episodes?

A. The folks at Best Brains thought it would look cool if Tom had a 
"haircut".

Q. How many times has Tom Servo had his head blown off?

Four.  They were: The Corpse Vanishes (trying to think of a good
thing about the movie); Robot Monster (trying to figure out how
bumblebees fly); First Spaceship on Venus (sarcastism circuits 
overload);
and The Rebel Set (don't remember how it happened, sorry).
Additionally, in Fugitive Alien II, he comes completely apart.

Q. How many seats are there seen in the theater?

A. Seven.

Q. Are there any questions that we don't have answers for yet?

A. Yup.  Like:

        How many times has SANDY FRANK been sung?
        How many grapes has Joel been seen eating?
        How many visitors has the SOL had?

Q. Who wrote this stuff?

A. The people who contribute to the newsletter; I'm just the editor.
Among the many folks who have sent along information, notes, and 
general
silliness, are:

Bill Dennen, Brian Perler, Brian Siano, Chad (Mr. B) Jackson, Chad 
Jackson,
Charles R. Hoynowski, Chris Cooley, Chuck Jordan, Chuck Tomasi,
Dale Holod, Dave Spensley, David Arnold, Donald Cotnoir-Strong, 
Donna K. Lang,
Ed Hughes, Ed Klein, Ellen Sasse, Frank G. Neves, Gerald M. 
Guglielmo,
Jamie Green, Jason Corley, Jeremy Billones, Joel A. Schenkenberg,
John D. Shull, Johnny Klonaris, Jonathan Hughes, Joshua R. Poulson,
Kevin Murray, Lance Visser, Larry Hastings, Lon Ponschock, 
Lynn-Anne Friese,
Malcolm Austin, Mark Carson, Mark Meyer, Markus De Shon, Marty Hoff,
Mary Lynn Johnson, Matt Duhan, Nina Eppes, Patrick Delahanty,
Patrick Fitzgerald, Patty Winter, Paul Ashley, Paul Thrasher, Phil 
Mueller,
R'ykandar Korra'ti, Rich Kulawiec, Steve Simmons, Synth F. Oberheim,
The Punster, Todd Johnson, Tom Wilson. , Will Silver, William 
Harrison,
William Sherman, and special thanks to Lisa Jenkins for voluminous 
updates
and additions, to Keith Barrett for the BBI Tour info, and to Cliff 
Chaput
for the large list of oft-repeated phrases.

If I've forgotten someone, please let me know.

Copyright Rich Kulawiec, 1991, 1992, 1993.
Rip this off and we'll kill you with a forklift.


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