
Chains Of Stupidity
by Dave Bealer

The idiocy of chain letters has finally found its way to the online
world.  The chain letter I received on the Internet in early May is
so ridiculous that it deserves to be commented on here.  (The actual
text of the chain letter below is preceded by the ">" greater-than
character.  My comments are interspersed with the chain letter text
and begin in column one.)

> The following is from a letter I received and I decided to
> introduce it on the net.

Not only did some mega-twit decide to inflict this on the online
world, he found a way to put another victim's return address on
the message, causing recipients to flame other innocent victims.
I tried to ignore the message, but someone with less online
experience was tricked into squawking about the chain letter *I*
sent him.
 
> Kiss Someone You Love When You Get This Letter And Make Magic

Rascal, my orange and white tabby cat, was thrilled when I carried
out this directive.  The magic wasn't long in coming, either.  Rascal
ate some grass and magically created more interesting patterns for my
light tan wall-to-wall carpeting.

>     This paper has been sent to you for GOOD LUCK.  The original
> copy is in New England.  It has been around the world nine times.
 
The original is located in the New England Crackpot Museum, which
is sponsored by the Psycho Friends Network.  The electronic copy 
has been clocked making it around the world in as little as 80 
nanoseconds.  

> The luck has been sent to you.  You will receive GOOD LUCK in
> four days.  This is no joke.

Unfortunately the luck was file attached using a method which is not 
decipherable by my Internet software, which can handle only one of
the more than 2,300 methods of doing file attaches extant in the UNIX
world. 

>      You will receive it in the mail.  Send copies to the people
> you think need GOOD LUCK.  Do not send cash, as fate has no price.

In other words, what price superstition?

> Do not keep this letter.  It must leave your hands within 96 hours.

As I get older, it becomes increasingly difficult to hand carry
e-mail. 

> An Airforce officer received $70,000.  Joe Elliot received $40,000
> and lost it because he broke the chain.  While in the Philippines,
> Gene Welch lost his wife six days after receiving the letter.  He
> failed to circulate the letter.  However, before her death she had
> won $50,000 in a lottery.  The money transferred to him four days
> after he decided to mail out his letter.
 
If you believe any of this, please e-mail me.  I have some swamp land
in the Gobi Desert I can let you have *real cheap*.

>      Please make twenty copies of this letter and see what
> happens in four days.  The chain comes from South America and was
> written by Samuel Adams Pierce, a missionary from South America.

During a break from his missionary position, no doubt.

> Since the copy must make the tour of the world, you must make
> twenty copies and send them to your friends and associates.
> After a few days you will get a surprise.  This is true even if
> you are not superstitious.

If you're not superstitious and believe any of this, then I have a
*real deal* for you.  I can sell you the Washington Monument and ten
acres of land surrounding it.  Collect rent for all those concerts
and demonstrations held there annually!

> Do note the following: Constantine Deas received the chain in 1955.

It had been sent airmail special delivery in 1932.

> He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out.  A
> few days later he won the lottery of two million dollars.  

Unfortunately the lottery paid off in Soviet currency.

> Andy Daddit, an office employee, received this letter
> and he forgot it had to leave his hands in 96 hours.  He lost his
> job.  Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed out twenty
> copies.  A few days later, he got a better job.  Mr. Fairchild
> received the letter and not believing it, threw it away.  Nine
> days later he died.
 
The penalties for litterbugs in Mr. Fairchild's town are severe.

>      Please send no money.
>      Please do not ignore it.
>      It works.
 
> (Translation: Don't pay people to take it)

This translation has been provided for morons.

> (Note that this was started on paper and is only now on the net)

Lucky us.  I can't wait until Ed McMahon finds out about the net.
                                                                {RAH}
--------------
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast.  He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH.    FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net

