
A Matter of Life (and Death) Support...
by Greg Borek

Losing containment of the anti-matter.  Containment field failure in
30 seconds.

Any options?

No, sir.  We must jettison the warp core.

Do it.

Core jettisoned, sir.

Damage report.

Primary power systems inoperative.  Weapons systems inoperative.
Defensive shields inoperative, navigational shields only.  Several
substantial hull breaches.  Only 22% of crew stations reported
personed and ready.  Life support nominal.  Operating on battery
power only.  Communications almost restored.  Slowing to sub-light
speed.

Damn.  I was hoping we would make it to the starbase.  What is our
ETA?

Sir,...

Science officer, report.  Everyone on the bridge is a Star Fleet
officer and we can face facts.  What is our ETA?

Sir, we have lost all propulsion systems and are travelling on
momentum alone.  Given our current velocity, my calculations place us
at the starbase in approximately 47.242 years.  Life support and all 
power systems will be exhausted in 27.842 years.

Hmmm....  Who operates the starbase?

The Bureaucrati, sir.

Bureaucrati?  I thought they were denied admission into the
Federation.

They were, sir.  This starbase was donated to the Federation as an
example of their technological competence.  The base is completely
manned by Bureaucrati.

As I recall they were judged as technically competent, but there was
some other reason why they were refused membership.  Any data on
that?

No, sir.  Only that all contact teams were required to spend several
months on Eroticon III recovering.  Sir, engineering reports
communications restored. 

Thank goodness for that.  Open a channel to the starbase.

Open, sir.

Bureaucrati Starbase, this the USS Bismarck.  We are heavily damaged
and have lost all propulsion and navigation systems.  We are
proceeding at best speed...

<Welcome to the Bureaucrati starbase support line.  We hope that we
can be of assistance to you.>

Uh..., thank you.  This is the USS Bismarck.  We have sustained heavy
damage...

<If you have opened a channel just to be friendly, press 1 now.  If
you...>

What the...?

Sir, I believe you are speaking to some sort of recorded message.

What the...?  A recorded message?  Who would have a recorded
message...?

<...If you need to hear the selections again, press # now.>

What?  What was that?  Now we've missed it.  Quiet, everyone.
Communications officer, press #.

Aye, sir, # pressed.

<If you have opened a channel just to be friendly, press 1 now.  If
you are a Ferengi vessel and are attempting to swindle us out of yet
another starbase, press 2 now.  If you are the Borg and are
attempting to assimilate the known universe, press 3 now.  If you are
a starship that has been heavily damaged press 4 now.  If you are
interested in tourist information for the Gamma quadrant...> 

Communications officer, press 4.

Aye, aye, sir.  4 pressed.

<Thank you.  If the entire crew is dead, press 1 now.  If you no
longer have life support, press 2 now.  If the ship has been damaged
because you made Q angry, press 3 now, but we are required by law to
inform you that the nosy, meddlesome busybody will know that you have
called us.  If your ship is currently adrift or you no longer have
navigational control of your vessel, press 4 now.  If your weapon
systems are firing in an indiscriminate manner...>

Communications officer, 4 again.

Aye, sir, 4 pressed.

<Thank you.  All of our emergency ship rescue consultants are busy
right now, but if you please wait, a consultant will be on line as
soon as one is available.  Thank you for your patience.  [William
Shatner's rendition of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" begins to play
softly in the background]>

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?  Don't they realize how dire our situation is
here?  How long do they think they can keep us on hold like...

<We regret any inconvenience caused by this little delay.  We take
pride in our service and realize your time is valuable.  We will
connect you to the next available service consultant.  [Barry
Manilow's "I Write the Songs" begins playing in the background]>.

How do we get someone's attention?  We have to break out of this hold
and somehow get someone's attention...

<While you are waiting we would like to take this opportunity to make
you aware of some of the fantastic services available at our
starbases throughout this sector.  Consider a Bureaucrati starbase
for your next shore leave.  Holodecks are available, at a minimal
charge, to all...>

AAAAH!  How long does this go on for?  We only have 27.842 years of
life support left.

<...indoor plumbing.  We would also like to take this opportunity to
dissuade any of the more cynical races of the galaxy from thinking
we are deliberately keeping you on hold to advertise our other
services.  We sincerely regret any inconvenience caused by this
delay.  We will be with you shortly.>                           {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire.  Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129.  Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net

