
The Joys of Pet-Sitting
by Dave Bealer

Americans are keeping more pets than ever.  A few years ago the cat
surpassed the dog as the most popular American pet.  Americans are
also travelling more than ever, for both business and pleasure.
During these absences, someone must look after their pets.  The most
conveniently located potential victims for this particular brand of
abuse are the traveller's neighbors.

An acquaintance of Greg Borek's recently wrote a "care and feeding"
note to the neighbors before leaving for a week long trip.  Selected
passages follow:

  Feeding the cats:  twice daily, 1/3 cup dried food morning and
  evening (+ 1/4 can wet food in the evening only) each.  Bob will 
  eat the lion's share of everything he can get to; Dale will sort 
  of ignore the morning meal but that's her problem.

  Medicating Bob:  Bob gets 1/2 pill each meal.  He likes the pill
  and will eat 1/2 from the open palm of your hand like candy.  He
  doesn't know that he has eaten it so he will lick your palm until
  you make him stop.  My wife thinks this is funny - I don't. 
  Sometimes he drops the pill, sometimes I do.  Just pick it up and
  let him lick your palm some more until the idiot has eaten it.
  (I think you should be paid more for doing this job.)

  Medicating Dale: Dale is drug free.  (Just say meow.)

  Cat Hurl: A word here about cat vomit.  Cats are disgusting, 
  nasty, filthy, hairy, little pigs.  They glom up their smelly, 
  nasty food and some time later when they are out reach and 
  sometimes sight, but almost never out of hearing, they will choke
  up the most nauseating pile of cat food combined with hair and 
  stomach goo.  Just look at the existing stains on the rug, walls 
  and certain parts of the ceiling for proof that pigs can fly.  
  Anyway they do this whenever they feel like it and it signals 
  absolutely nothing about any underlying terminal illness.  God 
  knows I have prayed enough that if it did we would have owned
  several generations of the fleabags by now.  The glop will dry 
  and is easily cleaned then.  Don't worry about the stains, they
  come out with a combination of kerosene and neutron rays on the
  third Saturday of the month after the sacrifice of a yellow
  mottled tree frog.  REALLY IT'S TRUE.  Don't worry.

  The Litter Box: Amazingly enough the scientific community has 
  spent countless millions of man hours pondering the problem of
  creating an artificial/natural area in the home where cats will
  feel highly motivated to carry out their natural digestive 
  functions (see Cat Hurl above for an estimate of their success
  with upper digestive functions).  Hence the invention of high
  technology artificial sand called SCOOPABLE KITTY LITTER.  This
  stuff is amazing.  Why don't they stuff Pampers and Depends with
  it?  It clumps and dries into large concrete blocks, suitable for
  commercial construction projects, when contacted by the dread
  kitty pee.  Once a week I scoop out the clumps of coagulated 
  kitty pee and the other pre-clumped digestive by-products, put
  them in a garbage bag and give them as gifts to the ABC
  environmental engineers.

  The Mail:  Just stack it somewhere EXCEPT FOR THE FOLLOWING 
  ITEMS:
  Any $10,000,000 check signed or delivered by Ed McMahon...call me
  immediately if that clown finally shows up with my money.

These passages show you some of what pet-sitting neighbors let 
themselves in for.  The author of this note wishes to remain
nameless, but at least it can act as a model for entertaining notes
for any neighbors you coerce into caring for your pets.  I intend to
leave a version of this note for my neighbors when I travel to
Atlanta this summer.                                            {RAH}

