  Book 8  ͻ
                                                                           
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  igal koshevoy    August 23, 1993 thru November 6, 1993  ͼ




    ETCHED (d)ILLUSIONS
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I saw you in a crowded hallway
      inside a dreary place.
    Pushed past all those people
      just to see your face.
    I said, "Hi" and you walked by
      pretending not to notice.
    Reached out my hand to hold you
      but grabbed instead another.
    She looked confused, unfocused
      and I hastily apologized.
    I rushed off after you,
      leaving her behind.

    You stood there
      in a long white dress
    Handing out maps
      to all those that went past.

        Oh come on, sweetheart, where's your map for me?
        Oh come on, darling, why won't you look back at me?

    What must I do for you to notice that I'm here for you?
    Should I stand here on my head, or should beg and plead?
    And how much louder do I have to yell for you to hear me?

    Sometimes I hear you laugh when I'm on my knees,
      sometimes I hear you giggle when I say, "Please!"

        So come on, sweetheart, hold out a map for me!
        So come on, darling, hold out your hand for me!

    Cause you're who I wanna be with,
      cause you're the one I love!
    Why won't you see me,
      you're breaking my heart?


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (AT)
                                                     August 23, 1993; 12:11am
                                                     IRON ANATHEMA 12:8



    LEMON LOVER
    ~~~~~~~~~~~

    You're my lemon lover,
      you're my sweetie-pie.
    You bring tears to my eyes
      and make me want to die.

    One day you're an angle from Heaven,
      next day a devil from Hell,
    I love you too much to leave you,
      cause you're my...

    Lemon lover,
      you bring tears to my eyes,
    Lemon lover,
      so sweet and yet so tart.
    You leave a sour taste in my mouth,
      that I just can't wash out!

    I want to hold you,
      you want to yell at me.
    I want to be with you,
      you want nothing from me.
    I wish that you could understand
      how I love you so,
    How much I want to be with you,
      in your arms and soul.

    Makes me frustrated,
      sometimes angry and mad;
    But one day I'll win you, baby,
      and all will be well.

    You're my lemon lover,
      so beautiful and cold,
    And ten minutes later
      you'll be burning up my soul.
    You're my lemon lover,
      you're my cup of tea,
    One day we will drink it,
      just and me.


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (AT)
                                                     August 23, 1993; 12:25am
                                                     IRON ANATHEMA 13:5



    SMALLER...
    ~~~~~~~

    We were just kings on paper,
      blind fools in the dark.
    We thought we held the answers,
      but they never touched our hands.
    We pretended not to notice,
      not the world and not the pain.
    We felt it all inside us nether-the-less,
      growing stronger everyday.
    Our handholds kept on weakening,
      and so did our petty lies.
    Looked so strong and magnificent,
      but only in the dark.
    Plodding through reality,
      through the forest in the night.
    Holding torches to light our way,
      still we tripped and bled a lot.
    And in the darkness we cowered,
      shaking free from our silly pride.

    One day we left the forest,
      but our band numbered many fewer.
    And the band wasn't quite as merry,
      maybe we learned a lesson too.

    We said goodbye and thanks for the ride
      and walked our separate paths.
    Never once did any of us look back,
      and try to change the past.
    Maybe we did it correctly,
      maybe we were all fools.
    Maybe we were both, think I
      as I scratch my head, sitting on this stool.
    I guess it doesn't matter now,
      I guess I can't forget.
    Now there's only one thing to do about it,
      live with it, just don't forget.


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (s)
                                                     August 23, 1993; 3:57pm
                                                     IRON ANATHEMA 14:3



    impresent participle
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    can you feel me?
    can you feel me, when you stare inside?
    can you see me, when you look outside into the rain?

    can you feel me, when I'm holding your hand?
    oh, do you know I'm there, when I'm starin' into your eyes?

    can you hear me, when I whisper your name again?
    do you need me, oh, on my knees again?
    can't you want me ... can't you want me again?

    do you remember, what I feel for you?
    do you know, how much I still want you?

    can you look up for a second?
    can you glance at me again?

    won't you gimme another chance,
    no, no I won't fail again?

    can you break open your eyes?
    can you open up your heart?

            . . .

    can you feel...?
    can you hear...?
    do you want...?
    do you need...?
    do you know...?
    do you know I'm still here waitin'?
    do you know I'm still waitin' for you?
    still waitin' for you?


    tear it down!
    break it down!
    take it down!
    and come on down!
    open your eyes!
    open your heart!
    and take my hand!
      cause
        it's only
          so long
            that I
              can
                stand.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (AT)
                                                 September 11, 1993; 12:12am
                                                 IRON ANATHEMA 15:1



    Sardonic Vandalism
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I'll be in your nightmares
        I'll be in your dreams
    I'll be there
        as you go numb with fear

    you know I can love you
        you know I can break you too
    you know that you need me
        and that's what scares you

    no where left to run to darlin'
        no where else to go
    you can only hide from me so long
        so long and still can't let me go

    six years and counting
        and still that ain't enough
    you won't forget my lovin'
        you won't forget my touch

    how much longer can you run?
        how much longer can you pretend?
    how long can you hide from me
        for destiny, I am

    do you fear me
        when you close your eyes?
    can you love me
        when you break down and cry?

            . . .

    all mistakes forgiven
        all wrong words erased
    all those fears I'll comfort
        and you know that all too well

    it's all a matter of time
        all a matter of what must be
    you can go your separate way
        but never forget me


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (AT^JTB)
                                                 September 11, 1993; 1:15am
                                                 IRON ANATHEMA 24:4



    tengo
    ~~~~~

    i got my problems
    oh yeah, i got my problems
    every time i look to see
    just what i am
    i can't see much at all
    not much anyways
    i can see my tears
    and i can see my scars
    can see the shattered lies that i call my life
    and it always breaks too far
    but the breaks are always the same

    i ain't got nuttin'
    nuttin' more than that
    i simply got my problems
    and that's all i got
    don't got no love
    don't got no pride
    sanity?  ha, not tonight
    caring and giving?  no, i gave them away
    and kindness and emotion?  what the hell are those anyways?

    so here i am again
    in my silence
    and in my pain
    sitting in my little pool of blood
    and crying all the same
    still an imbecile crying in the dark
    for whomever will hear me
    even if it's only the dark
    but the darkness has its own problems
    and so do i
    i got my problems
    and nuttin' more right now

        . . .

    right now all i need is simple
    really too simple indeed
    all i need is a shoulder to cry on
    a shoulder that could care about my tears
    no, i don't need no comfort
    don't need much at all
    just a shoulder to cry on
    someone to hold and hug
    is that too much to ask for?
    i guess so
    and so it must be
    and nuttin' left to do but to get back to fighting
    and not much left to do but live another day
    and why?
    good question
    if i could answer that
    i'd probably be dead

    and so as another tear rolls down my cheek
    and as another wound turns to a scar
    while another memory begins to rot
    and as another dream burns out
    and so another moment clicks by
    and by
    and by
    and there's nuttin' to do
    and there's nuttin' to say
    not much to talk about
    not much left to betray
    so back to the river
    and back to the stone
    back to the guillotine
    and back to the bones
    gotta go back to the crematories
    that burn night and day
    and back to the place where i'm not anyways

    yeah, i got my problems
    at least i got that
    if it wasn't for problems
    not much would i had

    my blisters are bleeding
    and my mind is going numb
    fingers like old salami
    nerves still as frightened fawn

    another nightmare passes
    another day passes too
    another life zooms by
    hoping that it'll pass away too
    so i wait for tomorrow
    and i wait till it comes
    wait for its problems
    to rain down on me all tomorrow-long

    damnit
    it's forever the same
    watchin' through that old stained window
    through glazed eyes
    and broken smiles

    so i guess i'll wrap this up now and for ever
    just to unwrap it all again
        i got my problems
        and i think that's enough anyways.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (s)
                                                 September 14, 1993; 11:23pm
                                                 LINURON HERBITUDE 3:9



    deVOLVA
    ~~~~~~~

    comin'
    comin' down
    comin'
    comin' round

    gonna be comin' round the mountain
    gonna be comin' round for your soul
    gonna be breakin' from the shadows
    gonna be slammin' through your soul

    vision
    ain't mine
    violent
    desire
    breakin'
    away
    away
    from here
    from there
    from anywhere called home

    vanish
    from nowhere
    disappear
    from reach
    always
    there standing
    just a bit
    too far to reach

    never retrace
    never face me in the dark
    meet the vacuum
    inside
    inside
    inside the vortex soul

    betrayal
    of senses
    what lies
    do call the truth
    just what
    do you tell yourself
    as you cry yourself asleep
    and what is the vision
    that you seek
    that you seek
    to never find
    oh no
    no no

    forget it
    never happened
    wasn't ever here tonight
    didn't watch nothing
    didn't push nothing no way
    couldn't stop it
    nothing to prevent
    and it all
    just happened
    and now
    just try to banish the lies
    lies
    lies

    just wait
    for it all
    gonna wait
    for all to come home
    and I know it's just a
    comin' round
    comin' round
    comin' round
    oh yeah
    yeah

    never
    escape
    what happens
    here now
    cannot
    exile
    yesterday
    to the lost
    cannot
    pass by
    the one
    that's called I

    and I'll just be here
    and I'll just wait for it to be
    comin' round
    oh yeah

    comin' around
    to me
    breakin' new ground
    slammin' resound
    desires
    clashing again
    and you know

    I'll just be
    comin' round
    ah ha
    yeah ha
    for you

    comin' round
    for you
    tonight
    come ride
    desire's darkened train
    of lies
    of hate
    because it's so much
    better
    than what you call the light
    out of sight
    beyond light
    passed fright
    and you got to
    feel
    feel
    feel
    the might
    of the night
    oh right
    oh yeah

    and you'll be
    comin' around
    round
    around


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (D)
                                                 September 21, 1993; 11:53pm
                                                 LINURON HERBITUDE 5:6



    impersonal touch
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    it's all been done
    and it's all been said
    so what's the point of speaking
    when even i don't know what's being said
    what's the point in arguing when you know that all is wrong
    and where's the destination, although i know that i'm too far gone

    but there's victory
    i have won a little war against myself
    i can still remember a time when i could feel it
    feel it all as it would so slowly slip away
    remember feelings and emotions
    now they're dust and bones
    empty, hollow, broken
    and alone

    now
    the shades have changed
    and i see it all in a different light
    see myself back there in misery; in the tears, my flood
    well darling, that chapter's been finished off
    the door is sealed forever
    and the mess is now
    only scars

    yeah
    i could have loved you
    and i really did love you
    but being there
    day after day
    always being there for you
    always within reach
    within sight
    just withering away

    no
    you never accepted
    didn't take my flowers
    wouldn't take my love, nor me
    couldn't stand my company, it'd just make you flee
    maybe i gave you at least a little ego-boost
    i hope that made you happy
    letting you know
    that no matter what
    i'd always be there loving you

    i still love you
    still need you, girl
    but things are different now
    and i can live without you too

    if you taught me one thing
    then i sure do know it well
    through life
    through death
    through happiness
    and pain:

    don't ever take anything personally
    know that desire clouds your thoughts
    always smile your warmest despite your cold inner-thoughts
    keep pretending that you're the life of the party and the cat with the hat
    make sure you tell everyone you love them, despite the fact is not
    give all the advice you can, although it's probably wrong
    show the world you're happy and simply got it all

    why all this trickery?
    and why should there be this shame?
    well one day people will simply have to believe you
    and maybe even you'll be fooled one day

    so again i am in tears
    and so again i am alone
    but to Hell with that, i lie so well
    and no one else could care to know
    i know that well, i know it right
    you don't give a damn and again
    you're probably right

    so i'll do my best to entertain you
    the best to make you laugh
    i know it's all a show
    i know that too damned well
    but it doesn't hurt me
    not any more it don't

    again i am in tears
    but this time i'm laughing all along

    maybe i'm losing it
      but that's stupid, i know i lost it long ago
    maybe i'm going crazy
      but i know that i've been it all along
    maybe i'm a maniac
      so what, i know i am
    maybe i don't feel anything
      it's better that i don't

    not feeling's simply better
    fading away is fine with me
    going out with a bang is silly
    what's the point of trying to make the
    bystanders of an accident feel so guilty, what glee?

    no
    they're all gone
    and no one left to feel
    and no one left to feel for
    and no one left to feel for me

    so
    here and now
    i say it all again
    in anger and pain and sorrow

    don't take it personally
    it's better to have never lived at all

                                            -Igal Koshevoy
                                             September 24, 1993; 6:03pm
                                             LINURON HERBITUDE 7:9



    vanishing point
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    i got nothing to look forward to
    nothing to look back at
    nothing to want
    nothing to care for
    no thing to worry about
    no thing to fear
    no one to love
    no one to be near
    got a whole bunch of nothing
    no where to go
    and nothing to find

    standing in the middle of nowhere
    ain't that devine?
    not one thing to do
    not a thing to say
    no pieces to pick up
    no prayers to say

    no one left to offend
    no one left to endear
    no one to say sorry to
    no one so dear

    standing on the barren mountain top
    and everything i see
    all the lies and hatred
    but them i no longer fear
    they aren't important - nothing really is

    it's lonely up here - but i don't want anyone here
    it's cold up here - but i don't need a coat
    it's so dark - but i don't want a light
    it's so high up here - and all i want to do is jump

    it's so dead up here - and that's the way it was meant to be
    it's so quiet - but i don't want to listen nor speak
    it hurts so much - but i don't need your hostile comfort
    it's still cold but - but i don't need your frigid warmth

    no, to me it's nothing - nothing at all
    i don't care
    don't care any more

    my tears don't flow
    my feeling gone
    my emotions vanquished

    and me - i'm not here at all


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (-b-)
                                                 September 30, 1993; 4:02am
                                                 LINURON HERBITUD 17:1



    crimson offering
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    for ever
    night

    moments
    days
    hours
    years
    centuries
    all blending
    all molding
    joining
    together
    bleeding unto
    one

    losing track
    as if it mattered
    today is tomorrow
    is yesterday
    so what's the difference
    another moment
    another death

    i don't care
    it won't change anything
    next breath won't do a thing
    next thought will simply be forgotten

    flowing
    bleeding
    just keep going
    as long as there's blood
    to spill

    gotta flow
    gotta bleed
    gotta die to live
    need to die
    just to live

    darkness sought
    for light glimpsed

    hatred worshiped
    for love not held

    and nothing to do but
    bleed


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (=b=)
                                                 October 8, 1993; 12:00am
                                                 DEROGATE BURDEN 6:2



    overturned spill
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    and i don't want you
    and i don't want you anymore

    don't want you in my life another moment
    get outta me
    leave my mind
    for once
    ALONE

    i need my space
    of life
    of mind

    don't want you
    don't wanna depend on you no more
    and i don't want to need to be with you

    i can't stand you
    you tear me up

    you turn me inside out

    can only scream
    can only cry
    cause i'm so angry
    with this lie

    don't want to live it
    don't want to be it any more

    and though i offered you everything
    i gave my soul on silver plater
    and my heart with a bouquet
    now i only care to offer you my mind
      with a .38 special on the side

    and don't - don't need you

    don't - don't wantcha in ma' mind

    don't care
      to
        be
          me

        . . .

    just step aside
    step away

    go away

        . . .

    take a break
    break my neck

        . . .

    i don't want it
    not today
    not tomorrow
    not after then

    go away
    come now darlin'
    just go away

    come on life
    just go away


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (lh)
                                                     October 12, 1993; 3:15am
                                                     DEROGATE BURDEN 10:9



    involucrum
    ~~~~~~~~~~

    nothing to say
    nothing to do
    everything is moving
    into a blur
    can't see the horizons
    and it's all so dark
    i don't believe what i'm saying
    and now nothing to believe in but the dark

    nothing is flowing
    other than pain
    and there's no glowing
    except for the flame
    but the fire is frozen
    too icy too hold
    it gives me no comfort
    it gives me no hope

    i can't see anything
    it's all just a mess
    my hatred is spilling
    like bitter wine
    onto dirtied floor

    vision is shattered
    pane of glass
    broken through and through
    shards imbedded painfully
    splinters of anger
    wedged

    so tired
    so sick
    want to sleep
    not for rest
    no
    an escape
    a little burst bubble of freedom

    hurts so bad
    and my hold is slipping
    nothing to hold onto
    except the dark hatred within

    undecisive
    lost for meaning
    slurred words
    empty noise

    and the stain is spreading
    but the color is different this time
    not the same fury
    not the same power
    just plain hatred
    plain disgust

    no longer amused by all the imbalance
    it really was never funny to begin with
    but what was there to do but laugh at it?
    and what is there to do now?

    still swimming in the ignorance
    and i can't eat it any more
    i don't want to breath this blinded malevolence
    don't want to live this hate

    changing lifelines don't make a difference
    all those lies don't make up for lost time
    and what to do with all this crying?
    it always stays
    it always stays the same

    no end to the myth
    no beginning to the legend
    just fade in and blur out
    the story changes
    but the moral stays
    and it's wrong
    it's wrong
    it's wrong
    i hate it


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (lh^m^s)
                                                     October 13, 1993; 4:51pm
                                                     DEROGATE BURDEN 13:5



    Indispensable Generator
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    war clouds roil over our horizon
    pressing closer?
    shunning away?
    they never do

    momentarily forgotten
    as attention focuses on meaninglessness
    but the clouds remain
    but the clouds remain

    with a look of dirtied awe
    they stand and watch
    as silent guardians of irony

    to have come so far
    is to have gone so far past
    into the past
    of the future

    the boiling clouds
    now shed their reign
    and no choice
    and no will
    but to surrender to their frigid majesty

    they, the silent monument
    the cold reminder
    of what we are
    were
    and will be

    forever watching
    our ravaging disease
    the fires we feed and nurture
    hatred fueled by pride
    desire turned aside
    blackness deep inside

    with nothing but
    unspoken violence to share the ride


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (S^lh)
                                                     October 13, 1993; 4:23pm
                                                     DEROGATE BURDEN 15:1



    passing conversation
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Whatever was wrong with that boy...?
    "I don't know ... I really don't know."


                                            -Igal Koshevoy (lh)
                                             October 18, 1993; 3:14pm
                                             DEROGATE BURDEN 21:2



    isomer belief
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    tired,
      so tired.
    too tired
      to sleep.
    cry,
      and the tears crowd my eyes.

    sorry,
      sorry for not being enough for you.
    not good enough,
      not slick enough,
        not fast talkin' enough
          for your liking.

    i don't got much,
      but what i have is real -
    and it's been passed by so often,
      in the display window,
        in the auction room,
          on the bathroom floor,
            on the slaughterhouse block.

    my diet of rejections and laxatives is getting to me...
    better cut down on them razor blades too...
    yeah, and that .38 special salad - it ain't for you.

    get away from me,
      i'm gonna explode -
        spraying you with my pestilence and hate.
    move from sight,
      i'm gonna implode -
        leaving a puddle of dark, empty nothingness behind.
    run away,
      like all those times before,
        leave me alone and shut the door.
    don't ask what's wrong with me,
      even if you cared,
        you wouldn't have the time to hear me out.
    get away
      from my tattered puppet show,
        even they're afraid to come out.

    guess you know this facet too well,
      probably because you've hammered it into me.
    and you know its holes,
      for you've drilled them well.

    step away
      (like always)
        i'm about to spill.
    shun me away
      (like always)
        and keep me off your shoes.
    cut away
      (like always)
        my dangling rope.
    pull away
      (like always)
        and let me fall to the floor.
    take away
      (like always)
        the only thing i have left:
          you.


                                            -Igal Koshevoy (lh)
                                             October 18, 1993; 4:10pm
                                             DEROGATE BURDEN 21:5



    offal spiced
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~

    it's getting crowded in here,
    there's barely enough room to breath any more

    your self-confidence offends me,
    and your pride sends me into shock

    God-complex is not something I can appreciate
    and I won't worship you either

    don't need you to lead me nor hold my hand
    it is no comfort to me

    I may be lost
    but your guidance I don't seek

    just because I stay silent
    and watch you babble on and on

    doesn't mean I appreciate your empty words
    of praise, of superiority

    you're just another bigot
    and all things you do despise

    i'm not your pet
    i'm not your follower

    i'm not your pupil
    and I didn't even honestly call you friend

    you're so damned proud of yourself
    that you use me as a stepping stone

    try to make me laugh
    by making fun of me

    I don't want to be the butt of your jokes
    don't need to hear your stupid stories either

        . . .

    you look at me as if I was living your past life
    I don't and never will

    you made your mistakes in life
    I won't repeat them for you

    get out of my face
    and stop telling me you know how I feel

    shut up
    and quit your "I really care" bit

    the more you talk
    the more I dislike you

    the more of your blackened soul you show
    the more I hate you

    you might be proud that you've got
    something you think is good inside you

    well I disagree
    so stop trying to prove it to me

    your endless whining
    makes my ears ache

    your bitch-and-gripping
    is all you're good for

    I don't want to tell you to shut up
    but you really leave me little choice

    I can't put up with you pretending that
    I am following your falsely glorious hopes

    I don't share the same interests
    don't want the same shallow things as you

    go away
    and stop drowning me in your empty lies


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (S)
                                                     October 20, 1993; 5:33pm
                                                     SLOW BURN 3:7



    watered down existence
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    it's all nothing
    nothing to me
    and you,
    you're nothing to me too
    your empty smile just glances off me.
    your tears, at best, amuse me.

    i don't care.
    no longer do i orbit you.
    i don't have to hug you to feel complete.
    you're gone, i see you now the way i should have -
    as a pretty lie.

    your name doesn't bring me tears,
    brings no smiles,
    no joy,
    no sorrow.

    detached is how i feel.

    i float above,
    float away from your pointless lives,
    your meaningless struggles
    for your foolish survival.

    these things mean nothing to me any more.

    i no longer listen to your words,
    they've lost their meaning.
    i don't want your comfort,
    cause it's never enough.

    don't want no love,
    i've made the mistake of getting close too many times.

    it's all going into a neutral grey blur,
    hidden beneath the clouds that i've passed through so long ago.

    this world,
    those animals,
    these dreams
    no longer hold anything for me.


    i can leave,

    leave any day.


    all lines of sincerity severed.

    all honesty tainted with spilled blood.
    yet blood-loss is nothing to me any more,

    water pours through my veins.
    it's clear,
    it's empty,
    carries nothing.
    you can have all you want of it,
    and i can give you so much more.


    it doesn't matter,

    it's not me any more.


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (=b=)
                                                     October 20, 1993; 6:26pm
                                                     SLOW BURN 5:2



    waiting for the bus...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    
    it's so cold - so cold inside.
    every passing day, each passing moment
     my warmth is taken and stripped away -
       it leaves me with less and less to hold on to,
        less and less to warm my frailness to.
    it's too cold here, inside me -
     and i can almost feel
      the crystalline shards growing through my numbness - almost.
    they never leave, they just get worse -
    this sick procession, this sickly curse....


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (-b-)
                                                 October 21, 1993; 7:20am
                                                 SLOW BURN 5:3



    (im)PERFECT REFLECTION
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    burning stakes - getting higher
    broken faith - fed to the fire
    sense of direction - led astray
    world collapsing - every way

    fallen ruins - mingle with ashes
    empty souls - mouths full of pain
    littered pride - sprinkled with rain
    meaningless lives - dragged away

    bolt of lightning - flash of lust
    watered emotion - in the dusk
    growing malice - from the dust
    reaching out - for ever

    warped existence - encircled with dark
    glowing candle - in the rain storm
    fury of the next degree - pouring ever stronger

    derogation - amplified
    dissociation - unified
    in the window of my Hell
    in the storm within me
    and the fire burns away - what is lost
    i cannot say
    roiling emotions - drawn into wire

    Goddess Fate: what a liar
    and her word means nothing to me
    nothing to me
    nothing to me

        . . .

    pestilence, hatred and pain - boiling in the cauldron
    violent lies pour through the veins - breaking through the silence
    stain is spreading in every direction - falsehood now a prophet
    riding down on his steely horse - with his eyes of fire
    tainted memories, beaten prides - it's no match for him

    but for me, but for me, but for me
    his burning
    is nothing
    nothing to me
    nothing to me

        . . .

    ancient curse recalled to life - blazing in destiny's light
    bathed in mortar, washed in flames - broken down to live again
    walking corpses in the dark of day - dancing 'round the pyres
    celebrating freedom's feverish grasp - burning ever higher
    into the trap of deliverance - it's the lie of belief
    give it a shot - let it kill you darlin'
    give it your will - to snap apart
    this temple is just another - i don't care what they preach

    their words
    their lies
    their promises
    mean nothing
    nothing to me
    nothing to me

        . . .

    building on rotting wretches - constructing a false future anew
    gloating on superiority - drowning in pride and endless desire
    live by the sword - die by the gun, there's no fairness here
    burst the bubble of their lives - teach 'em death's lesson

    procreation and masturbation - words are one and the same
    just pouring out the same thing - again, again, again

    but your world means nothing
    nothing to me
    nothing to me

        . . .

    punishment, endangered lives
    families held hostage
    roast them slow
    let the dogs loose on 'em
    let them learn a lesson

    laws and lies and arrogance - dealt like sleight of hand
    hiding under justice's mask - waits the same old order
    Damnage Incorporated - dealing pain and harm
    keep the knaves captive - take away their sun

    but your death and your sun
    they mean nothing to me
    and empty lies
    fallen words
    they mean nothing
    nothing to me
    nothing to me


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (=B=)
                                                     October 21, 1993; 8:04pm
                                                     SLOW BURN 6:6



    hill of beans
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    one thing to grasp
    only a single thing to hold on to

    my black-void of hate
    my well of tears
    my river of ashes

    it's all building up
    so gradually
    so suddenly
    so forcefully

    steaming to boiling
    freezing to cracking

    enveloping in dark fog
    cloud of malice

    don't even bother
        don't bother trying to understand me
            you couldn't, even if you tried
    don't try to care for me
        you wouldn't, even if you tried
    don't try to love me,
        you won't, even if you tried

    i don't need your understanding
    your caring
    your love

    they don't mean anything to me
    they're just lies
        they bring me no comfort
        they bring me no hope

    i don't want your attention
    stop watching me with your empty eyes
    and falsely caring faces

    don't want to see your twisted smiles
    you perverts
    you cretins
    you bastards

    don't want your disrespect
    don't need your disapproval
    i don't care about what you say
    don't care much at all myself

    your magnified stupidities
    your exaggerated slip-ups
    blurred into more lies

    no, i have no desire to hear your stories and your tears
    your reasons are foolish
    and stupid
    and shallowly fierce

    stuff your pointless sorrows
    don't you have something better to cry about?
    no, i guess you don't
    you don't have anything
    not a thing to hold

    if i have anything
    and that i do
    i've got one thing over you

    i have my hatred
    and i have my fight

    and i'd love to break some necks tonight


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (JTB)
                                                     October 25, 1993; 2:51am
                                                     SLOW BURN 12:3



    Blessing...
    ~~~~~~~~
    
    Bless you, bless me - what the Hell's the use.
    Fuck you, fuck me - and love is still forgotten.
    Damn you, damn me - all i can do is cuss now.
    Kill you, kill me - i don't want to be here.
    Bless you, bless me - don't waste your time, i ain't worth it.


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (lh)
                                                     October 27, 1993; 1:13pm
                                                     SLOW BURN 15:9



        Window Shopping...
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
        
        I'm watching life's circus
         as if I were staring into a window of a stranger's house
          while standing outside on the cold street.

        And all I want to do is
         throw a rock through that window
          and walk away.


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (LH)
                                                     October 27, 1993; 1:20pm
                                                     SLOW BURN 16:2



    Jus Passin' Thru...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    like a free city bus,
    come on - ride me.
    sit on down on my moulded plastic seats,
    look out through my fragile windows.
    hold on, sweetie, onto my cold metal poles....

    don't worry, it's no offence to me -
    i don't know if i can cry any more.
    go right ahead, my darling,
    ride my bus, get on off and don't look back again.

    and so i meant nothing to you,
    and maybe i was nothing to you -
    no problem.

    go on, go right through me,
    it's not a problem with me.
    ride me, use me, leave cold ... alone -
    no problem.

    i've put up with it so long,
    i don't even mind it....
    kick my tires, spit on my floor -
    it's all justified.

    don't wear my feelings on my sleeves,
    they're just torn signs on me.
    no dearie, don't earn no money on this route,
    i just pay the bill from my pocket.

    come ride me,
    ride for free,
    my sweetheart.

    i'm not worth no charges,
    no, ain't worth your time.

    you're not the first,
    you're not the last,
    i don't know how much longer ...
    i can afford this -
    (i can't afford this).

    don't know how much longer
    i can keep it all running ... or alive.
    don't know, don't know why i even bother.
    oh well, whatever.


                                                    -Igal Koshevoy (s^lh^LH)
                                                     October 27, 1993; 1:36pm
                                                     SLOW BURN 16:9



    Enother Enema
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    yesterday is the past, it's nothing to me
    tomorrow may never happen at all
    today is the present, in its hate and disgust
    next moment of living
    don't want its rust

        . . .

    i've got this friend, you see,
    she makes me feel
    i don't regret a thing

    and so maybe she hates me
    maybe she won't even talk to me
    no biggie

    one glance at her and my fishbowl is broken
    and i can cry a river again

    hurts so hard
    cause i want her still
    and i need her still
    to break me down
    and she breaks down my defense
    my impoverishment

    she makes me love
    she makes me want
    she makes me hate again

    i want to feel
    i need to feel
    and she's the only one that gives me it

    so cold that i'm going numb
    she may hate me
    but she hurts me so bad
    that i can appreciate it

    pain is good
    pain is merry
    it's my lasting friend

    see, it's there when i'm alone
    it's there when i'm lonely
    there it is when i'm laughing at myself
    and with my when i'm crying at what might have been

    i love her
    and she knows it
    and i'd die for her
    again
    one more second of looking into her eyes is worth dying for
    one moment of holding her is worth it all

    cause i feel
    i feel for her

    i've fucked them all
    they meant nothing at all

    i just spent my time and moved on
    no apologies, no regrets
    and i just move back to her

    she only needed me a while
    cause i was disposable
    but that don't matter
    i don't really care
    it's all right
    cause they always did that
    they can hurt me all they want and i won't feel too bad
    but her

    she makes me bleed
    she makes me scream like a lamb as the butcher's knife begins to cut
    i love the way she makes me hurt
    i want her to hurt me a bit more

    tears are so precious these days
    come on darling
    go ahead and yell at me
    it doesn't make a difference

    i've put up with whores like you so long
    and so she's a whore too
    but aren't we all

    but i don't care
    she's special
    too special to leave alone

    i need her
    if not for loving then for hurting
    love as always is a many splintered thing
    it cuts so deep

    and i would shut it out
    but her i couldn't shut out
    couldn't shut away

    cause she could cut through me so well
    and break me anew each day
    till i was just crying and crying again

    thank you sweetie
    my tears aren't cheap

    and it makes me feel a bit better to know i'm spilling them for you
    you luxurious bitch
    you lavish whore

    my favorite
    my bestest


                                            -Igal Koshevoy (LCx^JTB^s)
                                             October 28, 1993; 2:35am
                                             SLOW BURN 17:4



    divulged infestations
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    returning, i wear the lark -
    as stigmata
    of my insolence

    hidden under its lost innocence -
    shattered,
    torn asunder

    asyncronism,
    spinning mad -
    breaking dimension's walls

    insult to the living,
    dead are neither proud,
    in between - just hatred wrought

    staring from under tattered feathers,
    breathing from bloodied pores,
    livid existence - petrified

    singularity
    on field of battle,
    pride so hard on ground so cold

    no expectations,
    have i from you,
    my darling

    a moment collapses,
    unfairness blurred -
    deriguere spat upon

    reflective derision -
    laugh so hard
    you cry

    pierced light...
    lost fight...
    no respite

    tonight,
    no hostages for you,
    and no prisoners for me


                                            -Igal Koshevoy (S)
                                             October 31, 1993; 12:01am
                                             ALTAR OF APOLOGIES 3:3



    conjecture delineator
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    you make me feel
    and make me numb

    turn me hard
    and melt me down

    push me to limits
    and fall behind lines

    you teach me to bleed
    and heal again

    learn to lead
    and follow

    let the sun shine
    and rain it out

    climb the mountain
    into the depths

    make me scream
    in silence

    stare for ever
    and see nothing

    cry so much
    dry as bone

    so hot
    i'm losing feeling

    feel so good
    and so damned bad

    so much
    and so little

    push me from black to white
    force me from grey to grey

    glue me together
    and shatter apart

    throw me against the wall
    so gently

    kill me fast
    with a butter knife

    love me soft
    with a shotgun

    confess your sins
    and putcha' on trial

    i wanna hear each word
    so don't say it

    eyes so big, tears so sweet
    trembling in a corner

    make me fall in love with you
    and want to kill you too

    you do this to me too often
    but it ain't enough for me

    shut my eyes
    stare at the truth

    scares me so much
    that i'm tired

    bore me to life
    excite me to death

    push me from one extreme
    to another

    mend my soul
    make me die

    you mean so much to me
    you feel so little for me

   "i have this friend, you see,
    she makes me feel - i don't regret a thing."


                                            -Igal Koshevoy (S)
                                             October 31, 1993; 12:24am
                                             ALTAR OF APOLOGIES 4:2



    die-punch pattern
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    yeah sweetheart,
    we're just a havin' a ball ...
    ain't we?
    well, sure we are.

    see, we're here in my car,
    and that looks like a smile on your face.

    ah, we do look like we're having fun,
    and enjoying the night away.

    heck, we even find a few bits
    of small-talk to exchange.

    ah-ha, and we're a bouncing
    meaningless niceties off each other ...
    yeah, it's the good time now.

    hmmmm, I almost like you.
    sure, maybe I'd probably be happier
    if I'd have left you back down the road a ways back,
    but, hey, it's better than being alone -
    despite the fact that I'm still lonely.

    no, the more I think about it,
    you don't look all that pretty in the streetlamp's light,
    and you don't even look so good here in the dark.

    so why do I put up with your stupidity?
    your pointless life, filled with shallow lies -
    you dumb broad?

        . . .

    well, guess that I bought you dinner,
    took you out,
    drove ya' round
    and there's only one thing left to do.

    so sure, you don't mean anything to me,
    and so I don't love ya' a bit,
    but that's besides the point.

    I'm here to get what I want,
    whether I like it or not.

    it simply just has to get out
    and damnit baby, I can't help it.

    so I jus' drive ya' home,
    do what's gotta get done
    and leave.

    yeah, you were nothing to me, just another night.
    you needed this as bad as I did,
    and no one complained.

    I was but a named stranger to you,
    and nothing more than that.

    but I don't care, and neither do you,
    so maybe I'll see you some other night,
    maybe not.

    bye-bye darlin', have a nice life.


                                            -Igal Koshevoy (S)
                                             November 1, 1993; 10:16am
                                             ALTAR OF APOLOGIES 9:2



    premorse
    ~~~~~~~~

    i opened up my heart, but it was cold outside
    but i still wandered out into the rain.
    left my pride and ashes on the doorstep's foot
    and walked on down the street sane.

    hours and days of wandering just passed me by
    as if i wasn't there to pain.
    without a goal, without a hope - lost out in the rain.


    then i saw an idol, she glowed like a million suns,
    hotter than any imagined flame.

    i ran to her in ecstasy, my arms thrown open wide
    then i slammed into a wall.
    a wall i couldn't pass through.

    she was just out of my grasp -
    so much i wanted that lass.

    i screamed and yelled and pounded so long,
    then sat down and watched her till my eyes scabbed over
    and died like a hungry dog on a master's doorstep.


                                                -Igal Koshevoy (Tr^DF)
                                                 November 6, 1993; 11:50pm
                                                 ALTAR OF APOLOGIES 15:5



    alone at last
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    finally
    i have realized it
    i have finally become it

    the cemetery is cold
    and the wind that howls inside me
    blows colder

    the rats i've been running with
    have melted into a blur

    i don't know if they've passed me
    don't know if i've passed them
    but i've passed
    and i am passing away

    i'm drowning
    in my own river
    of my own building

    i don't fight to save myself any more
    don't bother to grab on and live
    alone i descend into the vortex
    and this surreal hatred to me 
    isn't near

    holding someone in my arms
    isn't enough any more
    bedding them neither is
    they are nothing to me but
    flesh:
    cold
    flesh

    and into eyes i no longer stare
    for they hold nothing for me
    ain't looking for nothing
    i'm not looking for anyone

    the stage i act upon
    to me isn't even real any more
    i don't care if i fumble
    don't care if i fall
    there's no one i'm living for
    not even me ... no more

    i'm not surviving
    not living at all
    i'm just here
    although i don't belong

    the scars that were made when it all was torn away
    have fallen away long ago

    slowly meandering down death's highway
    with only one real hope in mind
    that i will fade completely away

    i know i'm not going to amount to nuttin'
    and i don't care if i don't or if i do

    i know i won't make any difference
    neither will anything i do

    alone
    i know my fight is lost
    my train has left
    my flight is long gone
    my mind has vanished
    my feelings fled
    my emotions shattered
    my depression's bleed dry
    my tears aren't falling
    my hatred doesn't burn
    my limbs feel nothing
    and i feel nothing too

    i'm not crying
    only dying

    fade out
    fade out
    want to be let free

    i don't care about anything
    don't want to be

    my existence is nothing
    my will's decree
    is to be let loose
    and not be.


                                            -Igal Koshevoy (-b-^lh^s)
                                             November 6, 1993; 11:01pm
                                             ALTAR OF APOLOGIES 13:1



                                       

      Anyways, I've wasted enough of your  valuable time and brain cells, so I
 honestly hope you have enjoyed the poetry that I've  written.   I  also  hope
 that  some of the stuff written has 'rubbed-up' on you and has or will change
 your life and that of others somehow for the better.  Take care.

                                                    -Igal Koshevoy


         Ŀ
           Copyright 1993 Igal Koshevoy, all rights reserved!  
          "Mess wit' mah' poems n' 'Ah break ya' finghas!"  -JTB 
         

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