Copyright 1995(c)

                              A STATE OF MINE
                           A Ruby Begonia Column
                              By Del Freeman

     "Wow, Ruby, you've really adjusted well to this assignment,"
said Del, noting Ruby was wearing her new Sterling Cooper double-
breasted suit.
     RUBY WAS WEARING HER BRAND NEW, NEVER EVEN WORE IT STERLING
COOPER DOUBLE-BREASTED SUIT!
     "RUBY!!" Del shrieked.
     "Yessss?" said Ruby, clearly oblivious to her egregious error.
     "What do you think you're doing?" Del demanded.
     "Checkin' my lip liner color," said Ruby, bending into the
overhead light with a pocket mirror.
     "THAT," said Del, pointing, "is my new suit. Why is it
encasing someone else's torso when it has never yet caressed mine
own?"
     "Huh?" said Ruby.
     "Why the fuh are you wearing my clothes?" Del fairly spit.
     "Got to look professional, mama," said Ruby, as though it were
the most logical thing in the world. 
     "That's MY suit!" Del raised her voice again. "MINE!!"
     "Yeh," said Ruby. "Fits nice, don't it?" She whirled and
grinned. 
     "Why are you wearing Del's clothes, Ruby," said David. "That
is the question, I believe."
     Ruby frowned. "Din't I just say that?" she asked.
     "Are you deliberately misunderstanding me?" asked David.
     Del wrinkled her brow and pursed her lips, emphatically
shaking her head slowly from side to side, saying "noooooo," under
her breath so that it sounded like "neeeeewwww."
     David shrugged and turned back to his computer.
     "So how do you like your job, Ruby?" asked Del, thinking to
get to this through a back door.
     "S'great. He's outta town at least a day and a half every week
and it's real slow pace. I haven't hurried for anything but the
lemon cake with cream cheese icing downstairs at the snack shop
since I got there," said Ruby.
     "And what do you do for him?" asked Del.
     "I subserve," said Ruby.
     "By computer?" asked Del.
     "Not freakin' likely," said Ruby. "I make his coffee an' I
wash his coffee cup. I copy one sheet at a time, just like he tells
me, and then I take it to him and let him check it. I smile a lot
while I'm doin' it," she said.
     "Is this the same Ruby Begonia who told that attorney at the
Pickem, Stickem & Uppit firm that if he wanted little teeny, tiny
ice cubes 'stead of slightly bigger, different-shaped icecubes, he
oughta get off his widening derrierre and go get 'em cause you
weren't working the lunch shift?" asked David.
     Ruby looked chagrined.
     "Ruby? Is that you?" asked David, seeing the sheepish look
which was so completely un-Ruby.
     "I got smart, Freeman," Ruby alibied, stiffening her spine. "I
discovered you can do a little soft shoe song and dance an' get on
by without havin' to argue about it. It's the same principle men
use to leave the toilet seat up -- it's easier," said Ruby.
     "Why, Ruby, I'm amazed," said Del. "It's almost worth having
you wear my suit first without even so much as a nod of thanks,"
said Del.
     "Thanks," said Ruby.
     "And you say this just came to you?" asked Del.
     "Yep. I got to lookin' around an' figuring -- ain't they
payin' me the exact same amount for every second no matter what I'm
doin? Yep, said my own self. So what do I care what I do? Then,"
said Ruby, "I got to figurin' the odds an' how much easier it is to
just pretend whatever they want. Next thing you know, I'm Sally
Secretary," she said, preening once again to see her sleek,
business look.
     "Just amazing," Del murmured.
     "Ain't it?" Ruby agreed. She snatched up Del's briefcase and
tripped out on her sensible, two-inch, unadorned black heels.
     "If she'd gotten this smart in Miami with Mr. Retentive, we'd
be living in a double-wide, now," said David.
     "And driving a newer car. Don't forget that," said Del.
     "Better late than never," said David.
     "I wouldn't put any money on it, yet," said Del.
     Later that evening, Ruby flew in the door and dashed down the
hall. She returned wearing her usual garb and sporting a fingernail
ring with a chain from a stone set in her pinkie fingernail to a
ring on her pinkie finger. 
     "Get that caught in a door handle, and it's gonna tear your
hand off," Del predicted.
     "Hah-cha-cha, mama," said Ruby. "S'Friday and I'm free."
     The Freemans heard the thrum of Sludge's Harley and Ruby waved
merrily and was gone.
     "It's a start," said David.
     "Hmmmph," said Del. "You'll never make a silk purse out of
that sow. Power-dressing my dubayash," Del snorted.
     "Nah, she's coming along," said David. "Did you notice the
gray flannel Nikes?"

                                   -30-   