
				    -1-

			     |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
			     | THE NEW SPAM |
			     |______________|
							  

						  
	       



			    THE COMPLETE NEW SPAM:               

     This file contains work by various authors, and full credit is given where
necessary.  This file will also present information on the other major groups
involved in the NEW Spam community. This file may be freely distributed on BBS's or disks under the filename
NSPAM.TXT

			      TABLE OF CONTENTS!

The Spam Overview  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
THE SPAM BIBLE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
The Ten Spammandments  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
The NEW Spam Heirarchy & Organizational Groups . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
									 


































				    -2-

     It is fitting that we start off with the sacred religious text of Spam.
The Spam Bible is purely the words of Spod as dictated through my eyes.  It is
studied and worshipped by the greatest scholars of Spam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE OLD SPAMMAMENT 
 
GENESPAM. 
1. On the first day, Spod said, "Let there be Spam!"  And there 
was Spam.  And Spod looked upon the Spam and saw that it was good.  
On the second day, Spod said, "Let there be cans!"  And there were 
cans.  And Spod looked upon the cans, and realised that Spam could 
be stored within them, and He saw that it was good.  But Spod could 
not open the cans, so on the third day, Spod said, "Let there be 
can openers!"  And there were can openers.  And Spod looked upon 
the can openers, and Spod saw that this was good.  On the fourth 
day, Spod said, "Let there be silverware!"  And silverware was 
created, and Spod saw that you could eat Spam with silverware, and 
He saw that this was good.  On the fifth day, Spod said, "Let there 
be pasteurization!"  And there was pasteurization.  And Spod saw 
that you could now pasteurize Spam, and he saw that this was good.  
On the sixth day, Spod said, "Let there be pigs!"  And pigs of all 
types appeared on the world of Spam, and Spod saw that you could 
make Spam out of pasteurized pig, and He saw that this was good.  
On the seventh and final day, Spod said, "No, no, no!  Let there 
be PIGS!"  And ugly creatures with a head and two arms and two legs 
and two eyes and a nose and two ears and, well, you know the rest, 
appeared and ate the Spam and pasteurized the pigs, and Spod saw 
that this WASN'T good, but there was not a goddam thing He could 
do about it, so He let it ride. 
2. The first two ugly creatures, called "Spammans," were named 
Spadam and Speve.  They mistakenly called themselves "man" and 
"woman," respectively, and Spod saw that this was bad, but once 
again there was not a goddam thing he could do about it, so he let 
this ride too.  One day Speve was walking through the Garden of 
Speden, and she remembered that Spod had told her to eat any fruit 
save that of the Knowledge of Spam and F.A.S.  She saw a curious 
looking creature, made entirely of Spam, near the tree of the 
Knowledge of Spam and F.A.S.  "I," said the creature, "am a 
Sperpent.  Eat the fruit of the tree.  To not eat it is to say that 
Spod is better than you, but you must learn about Spam to prevail
in the world."  So Speve ate the fruit, and gave some to Spadam.
3. One day Spod was walking through the Garden of Speden, when He
spied Spadam behind a Spam tree.  "Why are you hiding?"  asked
Spod.  "Because I like F.A.S.," said Spadam.  "You have eaten the
fruit," said Spod.  And to punish them all, he changed the Sperpent
so that it was no longer crafted out of Spam, and he cursed Speve
with an eternal dislike of Spam.  I really don't want to get into
what Spadam and Speve did after they left the Garden of Speden,
this being a religious text and all, so I will end the Spam Bible
for now.  Look for part 2, which will be available as soon as I am
stupid enough to go about wasting my time writing another
installment of the Spam bible.

Part 1 of the Spam bible, by Octavian.
Join the Association of the NEW Spam!


				  







				    -3-

     Alright, I shall now introduce what you have all been waiting for . . .
The Spam Bible part 3, which is actually the second part dictated to me by
Spod!  The chapter is SPAMITICUS, the legal book of the Spam!  This is new
material.  It appears nowhere but in The Complete Spam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE OLD SPAMMAMENT.

SPAMITICUS.
1. What thou art given thy shalt not covet (coveting is sinful), thou shalt
sinfully covet thy duty (duty not to be coveted) in only the extremest of
circumstances.  Should thy, by mistake (mistakes unforsaken) forsake a mistake
(mistakes being forsaken unforsakedly) thou shalt forsake (forsakedly) thy
Spam of thy coveting.  In and out (and out and in) thou shalt (shalt thou)
worship Spam (Spam worship unforsaken.)  With thy (thy with) authority,
authority shalt (shalt, authority) thus bequeath (bequeathment unforsaken) the
self-forsakedness ('ness forsaken) bequeathed thusly (thus bequeathed) in thy
forsaken, bequeathed forsakedness.
2. The Spabbath shall be held every other Wednesday, unless it rains on the
Monday immediately preceding the aforementioned Wednesday.  If the latter is
the first of a month, then the Spabbath shall be held on the Tuesday after the
rain instead, provided there are less than two Spam cans in the house.  Should
there be more than two spam cans, a number shall be generated by the equation
3s-4 where s is the number of spam cans in the house, and this number added to
the current day of the month to produce a new number.  If the new number is
more than 31, then the Spabbath shall be held normally, on Thursday.  If the
new number is less than 31, the Spabbath shall be held on that day of the
month, unless it snows that day, in which case the Spabbath shall be delayed
until the following day.
3. Anyone who violates any of the ten Spammandments shall be killed, shot,
stabbed, mangled, murdered, slain, eviscerated, cremated, destroyed,
assassinated, exterminated, massacred, slaughtered, terminated, nullified,
wounded, maimed, eliminated, crushed, squished, beaten, humiliated, butchered,
erased, damaged, harmed, executed, liquidated, manslaughtered, demolished,
ruined, wrecked, hurt, injured, crippled, mutilated, incapacitated, lacerated,
pulped, pulverized, battered, cudgeled, hit, disgraced, disfigured, abused,
impaired, dismembered, whipped, razed, shattered, defaced, gashed, cut,
chopped, diced, mashed, powdered, pummeled, clobbered, degraded, gnarled,
persecuted, hunted, amputated, flogged, scourged, trounced, thrashed,
flagellated, demolished, flattened, broken, dissected, minced, tormented,
tortured, flailed, totalled, deflated, cubed, decimated, obliterated,
eradicated, and utterly annihilated.
4. If on the following day of the Spabbath it also snows, the various
inarticulate precipitation shall be implemented meticulously via jurisdiction
superfluous to the coercion.  Consequently, for ambiguity's sake, the
measureless enormity of the prerogative of Spod languishes to be a
consideration; and the precepts herein expounded are connoted by Spod as
appropriate in all occurances.  Should Spod determine diversely, He shall
manufacture its widespread knowledge; should He endeavor on behalf of
austerity, He shall intelligibly sojourn in his principality.

								---Octavian

Part 2 of the Spam bible, by Octavian.
Join the Association of the NEW Spam!









				    -4-

     No Spam collection can be complete without the inclusion of the legendary
Ten Spammandments.  These were told by Spod to Proostic, one of the Holy
Apostles of Spam.  They are as follows (edited slightly):
	===== PLEASE NOTE WHEN READING THIS THAT THIS FILE WAS REDONE FOR THE 
NEW ASSOCIATION OF SPAM! AND THEY WOULD LIKE TO EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT OCTAVIAN 
IS STILL CREDITED FOR WRITING THIS FINE BIBLE! AND THE NEW SPAM STILL LIVES BY THE
SPAMMAMANDMENTS BUT HAS PREACHERS INSTEAD OF APPOSILES OF SPAM! PLEASE UNDERSTAND 
THIS AND KEEP THIS IN MIND. =====
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
			The Ten Spammandments (commandments) 
 
1. I am the one and only Spam. 
 
2. Thou shalt have no other Spam before me. 
 
3. Thou shalt honor the Spabbath and keep it holy. It shall be a day of rest 
   for you and all of your household, your man servants, your woman servants, 
   your asexual servents, your budgies, your orangutans, your llamas, your 
   sphincter, and any other creature under your domain. 
 
4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Spam, or any other meat by-product. 
 
5. Thou shalt set aside one week a year for the honouring of Scrapple and  
   Hagas, the other two importants food items. 
 
6. Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor's Spam. 
 
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery in Spam's presence, and thou shalt not 
   commit adultery with Spam, or even use Spam as a sexual toy or plaything. 
 
8. Thou shalt not kill Spam. 
 
9. Do not bother non-spamists (i.e. Flamingo) with Spam Talk, unless so  
   authorized by Holy Man of Proostic, Or one of the three preacher of the  
   NEW Spam: Reno Rains, Texan Hawk, Agent Spam
    
 
10. I, Proostic, Holy Man of Spam, authorize all Spammists to annoy any 
    Non-Spammist (i.e. Flamingo) with Spam Talk, in any case no matter 
    how extreme; even on the Heathen board Fuzzy Land. 
 
More Spammist religious texts to come! 
Join The NEW Spam Clan!! 

 
					--Proostic, Holy Man of Spam!











				-5-
				  
   
NEW Spam has become its own religion.  The religion ofthe NEW Spam has become a 
well-known religious organization, with works in progress, or completed, 
such as the Spam bible and the Ten Spammandments. 
 
The Spammists are ruled by Preachers, all of whom have equal power. 
Any of the Preachers from the NEW Spam may dub other Spammists as Preachers.
 
The three current Preachers of the NEW Spam are: 
 
Reno Rains (The founder of the NEW Spam religion!)
Texan Hawk (The best preacher of the NEW Spam!)  
Agent Spam (The one eho gave Reno the reason to bring back Spam!)
 
 
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| 
| The Holy Temple of the NEW Spam | 
|_________________________________| 
 
At the moment there is only one temple for the NEW Spam.  It is the Redneck BBS
in this bbs you can find any Spam files you need plus Spam recipes and how to
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IMPORTANT LEADERS OF THE NEW SPAM!!          
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Preachers of the NEW Spam : Reno Rains, Texan Hawk, Agent Spam
Holy temple of the NEW Spam: Redneck BBS (410)661-8481 call after 11/06/95


  (The New Spam clan would like to thank the following people for starting                                       
  the Spam religion so they could have a place to get a new start from the 
  old spam religon: Proostic, Octiavian (the first author), and Ice)
		  
		  |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|     
		  | Editied by: Reno Rains, Texan Hawk  |               
		  |_____________________________________|






