                      COFFEE, TEA OR TORT?
                      A Ruby Begonia Column

     "Lemme axe you somethin'," Ruby implored.
     "Only one," Del negotiated.
     "Yeh. One," said Ruby sighing. 
     "Okay," said Del.
     "How come them old people don't start orderin' iced coffee?"
     "I beg your pardon," said Del.
     "Them old people what keep spillin' stuff on themselves, and
then when it's hot, it turns. Why don't they quit buyin' hot stuff
if they know it's gonna burn when they spill it on themselves.
Don't they know they spill it? What is it? How much liability does
one have to assume for the consumer, anyway?"
     "Egad, Ruby," said David. "You sound like a politician."
     "Well, I was runnin' for Vice President on the ticket with
Paulson in the top spot, you know, and then his support just
disappeared. I couldn't find him nowhere. I did practice up,
though. Remember how nice I cleaned up?"
     "So?" asked Del.
     "I'm just sayin'," said Ruby.
     "What does that have to do with litigation?" asked Del.
     "I'm just thinkin' out loud," said Ruby. "Can't a person think
out loud?"
     "No," said Del, as David responded, "We'd rather you not."
     "Fine, then," huffed Ruby, and took herself off. "I tell you
this, though," she turned, hands on hips and continued despite
their disinterest. "I oughta be in Pointman, is what. Yeh, I know
he's supposed to be a superior twit but he's so pretty. I don't
want to marry him, for God's sake. I learned my lesson about that
when Sam reminded me of her advice about my second husband. "I told
you he could dance, Del, said she, I didn't' tell you to marry him.
I wish I had waited for her to do so.
     She was up with the birds the following morning, all got up
like a waitress, ruffled shoulder hankie and all. 
     "Where are you going?" asked Del.
     "To work in my new industry," said Ruby. 
     "Which is?"
     "Eat it or Wear it," she said, flashing the back of her
uniform where the slogan was embroidered in red. 
     "What?" asked Del.
     "She figures there's a market in letting old folks wear their
food," David explained, having discerned Ruby's plan. "I wouldn't
put any money on that. I'd go for law school."
     "Handled," said Ruby, handing David Sludge's schedule at the
University of Florida Law School. "They wanna' talk to you about
tuition, too," she said.
                             -30-       