Copyright 1995(c)

                  EVERYBODY'S A 32-CENT CRITIC
                      A Ruby Begonia Column
                         By Del Freeman

     "What is this?" asked Ruby.
     "An SASE," said Del, slipping it into the envelope she began
to lick with the submission she was sending to include to the
publishing company.
     "Why?" asked Ruby.
     "What do you mean, why?" asked Del. "So that the company can
respond as to their interest in the piece, of course."
     "Yeh, but why?" asked Ruby.
     "Dammit, Ruby, what do you mean, why? I'm trying to make a
sale, for God's sake. It clearly says here in the Writer's Market
that the company requires an SASE if the writer wants a response
to their piece."
     "Hold it," said Ruby, smacking her hand down onto the
envelope, effectively halting Del's movements. "Tell me this
again," she said.
     "Writer's Market lists guidelines for all publishers, and most
of them require you to send an SASE with any submission," said Del.
"It's simple."
     "No, *you're* simple," said Ruby. "How come you care if these
people like it or don't?"
     "I only care if they like it," said Del.
     "So?"
     "So bloody what? And will you kindly move your hand," Del
snapped. It wasn't a question.
     "Not til we get this worked out," said Ruby. "Lessee if I got
this figured. You got a story you wanna' sell, yes?" Del nodded.
"An' you're sending it to a somebody what might wanna' buy it,
yes?" Del nodded again. "So what's with the SASE? You want to know
if they don't like it?"
     "Hell no, I could care less. It's their policy," said Del.
     "An what's yer policy?" asked Ruby.
     "Huh?" said Del.
     "It's like all God's chillun's shoes, ain't it? They got an
exclusive on policy, or what? You got a policy? Or was you one
a'them girls they called 'roundheels' in high school?"
     "I never thought about it," said Del.
     "Never thought about a policy? Jeez, what a dork. They got a
policy, don't they? You got as much right to a policy as they do,
ain't you? Get 'cherself a policy, for cripe's sake. Here you got
this industry what can't even do business without your product, and
yer lettin' 'em make you jump through hoops to supply that which
they cannot exist without. You ain't commercializin' on yer assets,
here," said Ruby, the business woman. "Don't make no sense," she
concluded.
     "A common-sense writer is an oxymoron," said Del.
     "And I don't want to talk about Oxydol again, neither," said
Ruby. "You know they don't even make that stuff no more?"
     Ruby lifted a hand and ticked off points:
     "One," said she, "if you don't supply the product they ain't
got no end output. Two, you spend the money to send it in the first
place. You don't care if they don't like it and you ain't got no
use for getting it back, but you're payin' the freight for that?
Three, this is a free country and you got the right to sell your
product to anybody you want, anytime and you're lettin' some
bunch'a people you don't even know tell you a bunch of rules about
how you can do it and how much you got to pay and when. Hoo-hah,"
scoffed Ruby.
     "Hoo-hah?" asked Del.
     "Mega hoo-hah," judged Ruby, with an affirmative nod.
     "Ruby, you may have a point," said Del, contemplatively.
     "You bet'cher SASE I got a point," said Ruby. "First of all,
you're doublin' your cost of doing business by absorbin' their cost
of doin' business. Don'cha think these guys wanta get rid of them
ideas they don't like in case they get another one like it that
they do like and so's they don't got to worry about bein' accused
of the plague?" Ruby asked.
     "Plagiarism," said Del.
     "That, too," said Ruby. "Shoot, what's this SASE gonna get you
'cept more trash to fill up the can? Ain't editors got cans? Mostly,
what I remember that really bad one we had doin' was sittin' on his
can, so I know there's got to be more than a little of that. Tell
'em to use them. Sheesh, the garbage people charge you by the
pound, you know. 
     "I tell you how I see it," said Ruby. "I think it's not no
more than paying for abuse. Like when I go down to the tattoo
parlor and pay for another limb on my tree of life which is
developin' quite nicely, thank you, on my backside. Wanna see?"
     Del shuddered and shook her head.
     "Freeman, you got no appreciation of ancestral data and
elective art forms, you know that? Din'chour daddy always say you
come from a long line of fine horseflesh an' you was the end of the
line? Don'cha wanna a record of all them horse's asses what came
before you to explain how come you're so stinky?"
     Ruby actually waited for an answer. Finally, she impatiently
stomped her foot, setting piranha a-dance in the clear water-filled
globes of her pumps.
     "So, you ain't got enough negative in yer life so you got to
pay people to write you back and tell you your stuff sucks socks?"
Ruby asked. "Ain't you the one what's always sayin' editin' is
nothin' but givin' your opinion about somebody else's creation?
Ain't you always said it depends on whether the guy got lucky the
night before as much as anythin' else? So, what do you care if he
did or not? If he did, an' he likes your stuff, he's gonna say so.
He's got a magazine to put out and he needs something to fill it
up with besides advertisements. That's just common sense," said
Ruby.
     "Hmmmm," said Del.
     "Right," said Ruby. "He's got as big a stake as you got, maybe
bigger. You don't need this stuff to be returned. He might need to
return it, but even if he don't, there ain't no reason you oughta
worry about that. We ain't sure if he needs to return it, but we're
pretty freakin' sure you don't need it returned, ain't we?"
     Del nodded.
     "So, save your 32 cents," said Ruby. "You can send a pitch to
another somebody editor or publisher with that extra 32 cents, and
double your potential market."
     "Most publishers have a policy against simultaneous
submissions," Del automatically answered.
     "Huh?" said Ruby.
     "They want to you to send it to them and wait to hear back
before you show it to anybody else. That's what the SASE is for --
so they can let you know."
     "Yeh?" asked Ruby. "Wait a minute -- this is before they buy
anything that they're tellin' you who you can show it to and when,
right?"
     "It's called a 'no simultaneous submission policy,'" said Del.
She resumed her submission activity, carefully laying the SASE
aside.
     "Hold it," said Ruby, smacking her palm again down onto the
envelope again. 
     Del looked heavenward.
     "I had to be a writer," she mumbled to an unseen higher power.
                              -30- 
      