     AND ANOTHER ONE DOWN, AND ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST... 
     A Ruby Begonia 'I survived O.J.' tale (t-shirts extra) 
			 By Del Freeman 
 
     "Look at this," said Del, pointing to muddy footprints. 
     "That point looks like a Ruby heel print," said David. The 
footprints each had a round tip, representing the sole of Ruby'sfoot and a little dot accompanying it, representing her heel. 
Nobody else wore shoes that could have made this impression. 
     "RUBY!" shrieked Del. 
     "Yeh, yeh, what is it?" asked Ruby.  
     "What *is* this?" Del asked, pointing. 
     "Wow! Gookadat," said Ruby. "I'd say those were bear tracks,"she opined. "This is obviously a creature who has been maimed --see how he ain't got but one digit on each foot. Wonder if there'sa reward for his capture," she mused. 
     "You ditz! Those are your nasty footprints where you've 
tracked dirt into the house. Again," said Del, hands on hips. 
     "You think so?" asked an interested Ruby. And then she shookher head. "Nope. Not mine," she said. "I am absolutely, positively,one, one hundred percent not guilty."  
     "If any mention of cookie-dough ice cream comes of this, I 
will personally bop you," Del said, lifting a hand. "Of course it'syour mess," she affirmed. "How many times do we have to tell you?"     "Six thousand three hundred and ninety-two," said Ruby 
promptly. "What number are we at?" 
     "Ah, jeez," muttered Del. 
     "You know," said Ruby, sitting down uninvited, "this remindsme of the O.J. trial." 
     "Doesn't everything?" asked David. 
     "No," said Ruby. "Mickey Dee's don't remind me at all, despiteits prominent placement in the events which occurred. Burger King'sokay, too, but this sure does remind me," she said, pointing at thefootprints. 
     "Don't analyze it," said Del, handing Ruby a broom. "Clean itup." 
     "I ain't qualified," said Ruby, refusing to grasp the broom.     "Huh?" asked Del. 
     "Lookit, you see all that trouble they're havin' with the 
evidence guys over the O.J. blood what went from Nicole's house tohis without him having no part of nothin? It's all that 
disorganization and incompet -- inep -- screw-ups what work for theLAPD, is what it is. Now I ain't no evidence technician nor do Iplay one on television but you want me to remove this important 
evidence of a injured bear -- hell, maybe even a genetic mutationof a bear, by what -- throwing a blanket over it? Don'cha know 
nothin' about contamination? I think we'll get a professional tohandle this," said Ruby, pointing at the dirty tracks.  
     "I do not care who actually tracked it in, Ruby, although Ithink the evidence is clear. I simply want it removed," said Del.     "It'll muck up the chain of evidence," said Ruby. 
     "I'll muck you up if you don't get it cleaned up," Del 
     "Thrifty Maid Service?" Ruby asked, dialing while Del was notlistening. "Can you send somebody over to do floors? Be sure yousend her with a box of them baggie things for collectin' evidence,too," she added. 
     "Will this be a cash payment?" asked the voice from the 
cleaning service. 
     "Sure. Natch. Wha'cha expect?" Ruby asked. "Well, not cash 
exactly. But I'm gonna turn this mama on to the first set ofOJ/Ruby Carryall socks and they're gonna be big," she said. "Nopurses, pocketbooks or briefcases can compete with these socks. Nomore shoulder bag strap to spoil the line of a silk dress or thecrease of a pair of trousers. These are industrial-strength,poly-lined BIG socks. You might have to rent a truck, you're gonnamove a refrigerator," she ruminated, "but short of that, you cancarry anything you need in these socks. These are socks with 'tude.They got their own suspenders. 
     She delivered the selling point with great confidence: 
     "They're thermal, and they got unlimited room for evidencebaggies," she said.      



cans while we're at it." 
			      -30- 
