# Closeness? To much? To little?

Category: Dating and Relationships

## Post 1 by forereel (Just posting.) on Saturday, 10-Nov-2007 2:06:45

Zoners! I have a confession to make. I simply love to be close, or romantic. An example of this is.
It’s after work. Your lover arrives home and you great them at the door with a kiss, a hug. You ask them about their day and sit on the couch with them close as possible. Maybe you decide to go out for dinner. You get a booth and sit on the same side with them so you can feel there leg against yours. The meal arrives, so you feed your lover some of the food with your fingers and kiss in public. You hold hands. You go home sit together listen to music, read separate books, but on the same couch, or large chair. The end doesn’t always have to be sex, but sex is a great part of your relationship. Quickies, morning sex, maybe you meet on your lunch breaks and have sex, or just eat lunch. You love walks and just smelling each other’s feet, so to speak. You send naughty emails and text messages, or greeting cards. This goes on for years.
Now I ask how much is too much intimacy? I mean you don’t even have to talk, just be close sometimes. I’m not doing a good job at this, but you get the point.

## Post 2 by Blue Velvet (I've got the platinum golden silver bronze poster award.) on Saturday, 10-Nov-2007 9:25:28

I'm not big into public displays of affection. I don't mind holding hands, but touching and kissing all the time in public embarrasses me. But at home I like a lot of closeness. It's not a requirement of mine, but I certainly don't mind if the guy likes to touch a lot, as long as it's not in public, and as long as he understands I do need more space sometimes. I like a man who can back off when asked to do so without acting all hurt and offended.

## Post 3 by forereel (Just posting.) on Saturday, 10-Nov-2007 13:19:37

How much is sometimes, or how offten should space be allowed? I understand space sure, but is toughing a person while they work on the computer, or cook, or whatever invading?

## Post 4 by Miss Gorgeous (I'm going for the prolific poster awards!) on Saturday, 10-Nov-2007 13:53:25

I agree with the post number 2. I really dislike public display of affection. I know that when your together with someone, your both already close before you even considered going out. I mean, every one that goes into a relationship starts with friendship right? I think that’s the right thing to do, but I bet others start to date people without being friends first, but anyway, closeness in a relationship is not all about showing affection toward the person. Closeness involves being able to be comfortable with the person to talk things out whether good or bad, and the feeling of reassurance that the person will not leave you in a bad situation. Closeness is not just about having sex, or kissing, or cuddling with your special someone. I think in order to be close to someone, you got to have mutual respect for one another, you got to be honest with each other no matter what it is, and you got to trust the person. Well, that’s my definition of closeness. I mean, I know you can also be close with your friends, but it’s different with a relationship because you feel something special for the other person and that’s what makes your closeness with one another worth more than just physical attraction.

## Post 5 by forereel (Just posting.) on Saturday, 10-Nov-2007 14:04:25

I agree with the last poster, but here I'm only talking about the physical and how much is to much to expect from your lover. How much is over board, or do some people crave this sort of thing. In public I am not speaking of major kissing, but some. Touching, not in an arotic fashion, but touching still the same. I thank all that will post.

## Post 6 by Blue Velvet (I've got the platinum golden silver bronze poster award.) on Saturday, 10-Nov-2007 15:04:31

Speaking for myself, too much is when I decide it's too much. I mean one day I might not mind being distracted while I'm busy, but maybe the next day I'm in a different mood and don't want the guy trying to touch and cuddle when I'm trying to do something. So I think if you're together a lot, hopefully you will learn to read each others moods and know when physical advances are welcome and when they are not welcome. And if you misread your lover's mood and think he/she won't mind some distraction but they do, then you need to learn to accept that.

## Post 7 by rdfreak (THE ONE AND ONLY TRUE-BLUE KANGA-KICKIN AUSIE) on Saturday, 10-Nov-2007 18:50:22

I just got a new boyfriend and he warned me he loves loves loves to be close, and, I did get to learn that one.
I wasn't really one for public affection but found I gave in on the train going back to his place and I did let him hold me close. I am not sure though if I would like that all the time though. I'm someone who's very mindful of others, and, I remember when I was single, I'd kinda be grossed out by hearing people pash on the train and stuff, especially early in the mornings, Lol!
and yeh, we get back home, have tea or whatever, then cuddle on the couch. I didn't think I'd like all that attention, but I actually loved it.
got no point really, just explaining my new situation and the fact that it takes some getting use too.
But some people say the further into the relationship, the less the affection will be, but with my situation, he seems the kind of bloke who will always always enjoy being close, no matter how long the relationship has gone on for. I guess I just have to resign myself to that every time I see him (and maybe when we eventually move in together, it will slow down.) but, yeh, I think I'd have to learn to ask for my own space if I needed it.

## Post 8 by forereel (Just posting.) on Sunday, 11-Nov-2007 0:12:24

Thanks all. I am here to say for some people, such as I am it doesn't, not hasn't slowed down with living together, or not. With some relationships this has caused issues. In my current one it is major. I am mindful of others, but I expect they be mindful of me too, meaning okay this hour your not wanting affection, but in the next hour you must give. It's major. SMILE Keep posting people I am truley interested in more then my own opinions.

## Post 9 by Blue Velvet (I've got the platinum golden silver bronze poster award.) on Sunday, 11-Nov-2007 1:34:34

Congrats rdfreak on your new relationship.
Wayne, I agree about the give and take. If you are with someone who loves lots of physical affection, then you should be willing to give back sometimes, even if you are not in the mood. It might take some getting used to, but compromise is important in any relationship.

## Post 10 by SensuallyNaturallyLiving4Today (LivingLifeAndLovingItToo) on Sunday, 11-Nov-2007 2:58:41

I agree wholeheartedly with what the first poster has described. I personally love to be close to my man. Little things like laying my hand on his knee while he's driving, rubbing my stocking foot against his as we sit eating lunch,holding his hand across the table (facing as he is left handed and I am right it works out well) snuggling after sex, touching during sex, stroking his cheek or playing with his hair when we are talking. All of those things are wonderful. It's simply a matter of having two people who enjoy the same level of physical closeness and who can communicate honestly and clearly about when they do and do not want that closeness.

## Post 11 by forereel (Just posting.) on Sunday, 11-Nov-2007 12:47:19

Okay then my question would be to the last poster how much should be expected. Is it wrong to wish that level of closeness on say a daily basis?If a person is busy is it wrong to expect say 5 minutes of attention then they can get back to their thing. Does one demand their need quota, or should they wait to receive. Thanks for posting.

## Post 12 by Blue Velvet (I've got the platinum golden silver bronze poster award.) on Sunday, 11-Nov-2007 15:31:00

I keep chiming in here, but "demand" is probably the wrong word. I think you have every right to let your girlfriend know what you would like, but I think demanding it may be a mistake. Have an open discussion about how much physical affection you like and let her know you wish she would be more open to your touches and touch you more often in return. But if things don't change and she doesn't seem willing to try, then start looking for someone who likes what you like. That might sound harsh, sorry if it does.

## Post 13 by forereel (Just posting.) on Monday, 12-Nov-2007 21:15:58

Yes and then the probalems start. I thank you for your last post. It doesn't make me right, but it does confirm that I have a right to have a need or whatever.

## Post 14 by loves64 (Newborn Zoner) on Wednesday, 06-Feb-2008 1:12:09

Hi, I think it depends on the situation. If its a new romance then of course you would probably be all over each other. If you are married and been together a long time then things might slow down just a bit. Now if you have talked with your partner about this before and she still will not commit to what you like or prefer. Then you should discuss it with her and see whats going on in her life. The main question is do you want the relationship to work? If you do then talk to her if not then move on. Simple and easy.

## Post 15 by captain_choko_bananas (Newborn Zoner) on Wednesday, 06-Feb-2008 10:47:38

Simple and easy? nothing in a relationship usually is and this is definitly one of the harder aspects to get right!
My girlfriend is particularly physicle. She likes to touch a lot. We work in the same building and it's almost a tradition at this stage that when we go into the elivator alone we'll kiss or hug or just be close in some other way. No, don't worry, we don't go over the top. We're very careful in the office but at the start, I had to tell her to bring it back a gear as she was a bit too forward and it wasn't the right time for it at work. When I'm busy, which is actually very often, she has learned because she has lived with me now for a year and a half not to push it. I'll break from what I'm doing on ocasion to give her some attention either verbal or physical but usually I like to keep my attention on what I'm doing. It doesn't mean I love her any less. It just means that I'm consintrating on something. I afford her the same curticy or respect when she's working on something. If she's getting stressed or she's been there for a while, I'll walk over and quietly place my hand on her back or her neck but it's only as an assurance that I'm there if she needs me. Not as a distraction or an attempt to defer her attention.
I use to be very shy about being physical in public but my first serious girlfriend got me out of that after about 8 months of being with her. I think it was her persistance. That didn't last though and one of the reasons was that she needed much more verbal, emotional and physical attention than I was in a position to provide.
There is a time and a place for everything. spontinaiety is one of the best things in life. Use it to your advantage. Don't give effection all the time. Give it when it's not expected and it's more excighting to most people. Men included!
But, you sound like either your looking for more attention or your being pressured into giving too much. either way, the only key here is talk with your partner. If there's an incompatibility there, you need to decide if it's one you can live with.

## Post 16 by forereel (Just posting.) on Wednesday, 06-Feb-2008 12:50:57

Well I agree about the workplace, and I agree about working on say a project, but where I disagree and have the issue is with like that touch on the back or nec. It doesn't distract, so why can't it be aloud? Also you are correct nothing is easy when it comes to this sort of thing, and that moving on is not vary easy at all. If you love a person enough to want that physical love from then, or to give it, then moving on is tough. I mean you like her/him. Also to busy is a crime, or as I see it. I'm never, and I mean never to busy to recieve some love, and that is the issue here. If I want to give it when I want to give it. Boundries, sure, but if I can then it becomes a physical need, and when I'm deprived I suffer, so am I crazy?
Thanks to all that have responded here. Getting different prospectives is good.

## Post 17 by cattleya (Help me, I'm stuck to my chair!) on Wednesday, 06-Feb-2008 21:21:18

I'm personally not normally a cuddler, or at least I wasn't. But, when my husband and I got together 11 years ago he made it clear that he likes to cuddle. He likes the touching that doesn't always lead to sex, and he likes effection; even in public. We've learned to compromise. If I'm programming it's usually not a good idea, but I'm generally willing at any other time. Relationship is about compromise to make things work.

## Post 18 by forereel (Just posting.) on Wednesday, 06-Feb-2008 21:48:57

Sure, but how much is to much? That is the question I'm trying to understand, or is that to broad to be answered easily?

## Post 19 by Shadow_Cat (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Thursday, 07-Feb-2008 0:37:49

Forereel, I think your question is too broad to be answered easily, because it is such an individual thing. For example, I like your very first post on this topic. I like that level of closeness, and thankfully, so does my boyfriend. However, not everyone does. They may find that level of affection smothering. I think each couple must talk it out, and find where their lines are. And sometimes, it depends on one's mood. I know when I'm angry, I don't want to be touched right then. I want my space. Or when my boyfriend wants his, I'm willing to give it to him. I think too much or too little closeness depends on each person, each couple. and if a couple has varying ideas about it, then they should try to compromise as best they can.

## Post 20 by cattleya (Help me, I'm stuck to my chair!) on Thursday, 07-Feb-2008 9:05:40

Agreed with SD. All depends on the couple, and if it's going to be a happy relationship it is going to depend on compromise; unless both participants like the same thing...And then your lucky. But, if you love someone compromise isn't to much to ask...As long as they're compromising and meeting you half way.

## Post 21 by soaring eagle (flying high again!) on Thursday, 07-Feb-2008 9:15:31

I am personally a cuddler and a very effectionate person. But you have to respect each other and these things should work out. Everyone needs their space sometimes, and some times you just have to give it. The romance should be natural not expected. As the others have said here its all about discovering and talking things out. Just my thoughts.

## Post 22 by captain_choko_bananas (Newborn Zoner) on Wednesday, 13-Feb-2008 5:40:40

I think you've answered your own question.
If she isn't comfortable with receiving or giving so much effection and you cant find a commonality that suits you then looks like you need to go looking again.

## Post 23 by pisces_dreamer (Veteran Zoner) on Friday, 15-Feb-2008 18:09:22

For me, I absolutely adore cuddles, kisses, and all other types of physical efection! the closer, the better! but i think thats connected a lot with how i feel emotionally for a person, because as i said in another post, physical feelings dont come without you being attracted to a person's personality or some part of them, at least it doesn't for me because i cant see them. For me, sometimes a person's voice can just be enough, and sometimes for me even the way someone says my name can be enough to make me want to reach out and touch them or give them a hug, i'm speaking of romantic relationships here, dont want everyone who sees this thinking i'm one of those, i'm blind so i'll touch you people, i'm so totally not! I cant imagine not wanting to cuddle with a partner, if i didn't feel enough connection with him for the romance meaning the cuddles and all the other stuff mentioned here to come naturally, i hate to say this, but i would feel something was wrong and would go searching for someone who liked the same amount of physical contact as me. just my thoughts
pisces

## Post 24 by cattleya (Help me, I'm stuck to my chair!) on Saturday, 16-Feb-2008 0:19:39

I've got a couple of thoughts along these lines...(1) Do you like physical effection; I'm not talking about pure sex, but instead cuddling, holding, etc? (2) How much physical effection were you given as a child?
Now, I'll attempt to explain where I'm going with my thoughts. I've studied psychology. I'm not talking about reading self-help books and stuff; I'm talking about college. I didn't graduate with a psychology degree, but I studied enough to wonder this: does the amount of physical effection one enjoys relate in any way to the amount they did or didn't get as a child?
To be fair, I'll answer my own questions...(1) I do now enjoy most of the time physical effection. When I was 19 and my relationship with my husband was just budding I didn't. I would almost go so far to say I hated it. I didn't like being touched unless it was for something like sex. I didn't even want to be held when I was upset...But, my husband helped me learn to enjoy it, and now he's welcome to touch/hug/etc at almost any time. (2) I didn't get much physical effection as a child. My father was (and still is) an alcoholic. Effection wasn't his forte. He much preferred drinking and punishment. My mother on the other hand worked a lot to support two children and her husband (I guess you could say a third child?). So, while hugs did occur, they didn't occur often. I was raised to cry alone, to depend only on myself and when touching occurred there was a good reason.
So, anything to add? Just curious...

## Post 25 by allisonfm (Veteran Zoner) on Sunday, 17-Feb-2008 16:54:01

I'm extremely affectionate when I'm with someone, even in public. Kissing, hugging, holding hands, anything that isn't blatently sexual, (unless no one's looking of course,) is all cool by me.

## Post 26 by loves64 (Newborn Zoner) on Tuesday, 10-Jun-2008 11:07:47

Hi foreel, just wondering how has things been with you and your lady friend? Hopefully things are better between the two of you.

## Post 27 by moyzey (i'm posting? huh?) on Tuesday, 10-Jun-2008 21:53:21

hmm, this is a toughy
I'm really effectionate, very physical and like to give and recieve lots of attention from the special person in my life. I'm not going to say too much, but I know first hand how difficult it can be for both parties when they have conflicting opinions on intimacy levels. I personally love to just touch, hold hands, even just be physically close to a partner, always have done, and always will do. but even if my partner doesn't like/want it, I wouldn't go looking elsewhere if I truely loved them. I can live without physicalities if I had to. It's the love for the person's personality that I hold in higher regard than any physical release.

## Post 28 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Thursday, 12-Jun-2008 18:32:46

For me, I love physical affection, but not in public. I can deal with hugging and holding hands, but anything other than hat I'm uncomfortable with in public. However, when me and my boyfriend are alone, we are very passionate and physical with each other, and we've been together for over a year, so if those feelngs die down, I don' think our relationship would suffer for it. We already have a great bond without it, we tell each other everything, and that's where the real intimacy comes into our relationship, but without the physical affection, I have to amit I would feel somewhat deprived, and wonder if I was attractive to him. It's just the way we are though, it's a way we connect, a way we relax after a long day. Just my thoughts.

## Post 29 by sea star (I just keep on posting!) on Thursday, 10-Jul-2008 3:40:11

i really don't agree with too much closeness. i think both partners need a little space sometimes to work things out. i mean, if you were always together, i'm sure you would drive each other crazy after a while. however, cuddling and kissing is always good after a long day.

## Post 30 by Amethyst Moon (I can't call it a day til I enter the zone BBS) on Thursday, 10-Jul-2008 3:52:13

I think that when it comes to being in public, the closest two should get is embracing and maybe a quick kiss, but away from public, just go with the flow of your love and do what you feel is right at the time. My BF denied me the pleasure of sitting side-by-side with each other's arm draped over each other's back and hand on the shoulder... I think you know what I mean... it's common... I saw another couple do so across from us and noted that to him, to which he said there's no need to compete... sheesh! It's not like we're going to be seen hugging too tightly or making out or anything, it was just a simple nice romantic gesture. I'm obviously a bit more open to mild PDA's than he is.

## Post 31 by Siriusly Severus (The ESTJ 1w9 3w4 6w7 The Taskmaste) on Sunday, 07-Jun-2009 19:55:33

There is no limit. It all depends on the individual and the consenting partners It depends on how much they want and consent to have.

## Post 32 by Thunderstorm (HotIndian!) on Sunday, 07-Jun-2009 20:53:41

hmmm. I love the physical intimacy. on the other hand, I'm too much shy in person. and I don't like publicizing my phycical intimacy which I'm having with my partner lol.
Raaj.

## Post 33 by Siriusly Severus (The ESTJ 1w9 3w4 6w7 The Taskmaste) on Monday, 08-Jun-2009 3:26:03

I wouldn't blame you, intimacy is really a really private thing, and I am conservative, so I prefer if it was kept that way. The liberals are the big ones with showing it off. I go by the rules and etiquettes taught back in the 1940's and earlier, so I believe it's private, but then, I know I can't stop anyone who would like to do otherwise.