# moving out from under your parents' roof?

Category: Daily Living

## Post 1 by Reyami (I've broken five thousand! any more awards going?) on Friday, 05-Jun-2009 13:20:11

The subject says it all. Well, sort of; let me back up a little bit.
i've dealt with my mom's nagging, screaming, and carrying on like a small child when she's angry for almost seventeen years. i'm twenty-one, so that's saying something. I've had enough of this. Communication between us usually results in an argument. If she wants something done, (say, someone going to the store to get something for her), she doesn't ask, she demands that we do it. There is never a please when she wants it done, nor is there a thank you when her demands have been met. I've tried reasoning with her to help her understand that when she gets angry, it's not okay to say things that may hurt other people, and not apologize for it later. i've also tried telling her that if you want people to respect you, (especially your own adult ... erm ... children), you have to respect them, but does she listen? Heck no. There may be some cultural issues with this, so the concept might still be a little bit foreign to her, but she's had more than enough time to try to change the way she acts around us. I have not seen any changes yet, and have decided i've had enough. my patience with her is wearing down extremely thin.
Anyway, let me move on to the purpose of this topic. I've just described a little bit of what life is like here in my family household, and my only solution around this problem is moving out, but I'm not intending on doing this in a wreckless or haphazard manner. Heck, I don't have a job yet, so I have to get some form of income other than social security established before I can even think of finding an apartment for myself. As for daily living skills, those will come in time the more I practice them on my own without someone hovering over my shoulder.
For those of you who have fled the nest, so to speak, I have a few questions about moving out on my own. How did you tell your parents you wanted to move out on your own? what were their reactions, and how did you deal with them? When you did find your own place and you were all settled in, did you feel any sense of fear or have thoughts similar to, "Oh my God, what am I doing," go through your head? Did it take you a long time to adjust to life without parents around? what coping mechanisms did you use to help ease yourself in to a life away from the family home? More questions will come as I think of them, but for now, I'm just looking for suggestions. Thank you.

## Post 2 by Click_Clash (No Average Angel) on Friday, 05-Jun-2009 13:55:49

Well, I hate to say it, but this process is gonna take a lot of time if you're going about it in this way. I'm most definitely not the person to come to for advice that isn't reckless or haphazard, because my multiple moves have been defined by nothing but those two qualities. This is because most of the attempts I made to leave my parents' house were done when I was young and careless and with a bad handle on my finances. I've moved many times and done some things out of sheer desperation, all to stay out of my parents' house. I'm finally out for good, but my living situation now is not at all ideal. The room I'm renting is in a house that is... lacking in several ways, and because I haven't found work that fits my situation, I'm just barely making it. Add to that the fact that I only get $41 in food stamps per month (which I just found out today and will be disputing), and being on my own is a daily struggle. That being said, I'd still rather be in the situation I am now than at my parents house, as they're very similar to your mom. I said all that to say this: I moved out for good a couple months ago, and I'm the same age as you. I deal with the conditions at the place at which I'm living now because at the time I decided to stay there and put up with it all, I was so fed up with living with my parents that I was willing to make the sacrifice. If you wait to earn enough income to get a fairly nice place, wait for transportation and food stamps, and all that, you may be waiting for awhile. I guess it just depends on how badly you want out and how much longer you're willing to wait. Like I said, I'm reckless, but I also knew when I moved out for good what I was getting myself into, having grown up a lot. Good luck; I hope it works out soon. Hugs.
Becky

## Post 3 by Miss Gorgeous (I'm going for the prolific poster awards!) on Friday, 05-Jun-2009 17:18:31

Hey, I totally understand what you are going through. To be honest with you, I was dealing with the same problem a few months ago. It was hard cause you are in the point that you are about to or near of giving up on your own parents and just move out. But moving out just cause you cannot deal with your parents is just like running away from the situation. Its not advisable and if you don’t have a job or if your income is not enough, you might come back home. You don’t want that to happen. I know how it feels to be in your shoes. I was honest with my parents about everything that’s been going on with me and my disagreements with how they treat me. Yes your right, they don’t know how to listen sometimes. Just cause they are the parents, they think they have the right to treat you in any way they want. So if your parents don’t even know how to respect you, then how are you supposed to respect them? And yet they expect us to respect them. There are many reasons why people are always angry. Its really tough dealing with these types of problems especially if your trying so hard to communicate with them, and they won’t hear you out. I tried everything just to explain the situation to my parents. My mom was physically and verbally abusive to me. I know she pays for all the bills and helps us get through our education, but its really wrong to be physical with people if you don’t get your way. This Is how I dealt with my situation. I did not allow my anger to control my actions. I know it is so hard to put up with people that always criticize you for everything. You can never please anyone but yourself, so don’t even try. Just do what you think is right. I know the demands that you get from your mom. I also get the same things. I buy her stuff, I buy her medicine, and I contribute with the bills at home. I always stay out of trouble but its never good enough for them. In their eyes, I’m still causing them problems. I know that they just want the best for me, its just that why do they have to be aggressive and forceful when they want something? This is how I dealt with my situation. I made a compromise and a pledge to myself to finish my education first, and when I’m financially stable, that’s the time I move out. Moving out comes with big responsibilities. Yes, you may have your freedom and independence, but in the long run, it will be harder financially. I’m not saying that you depend on your parents to pay for your stuff; I’m just saying that if you really want to move out, you got to start planning everything out. Start by looking for a job, saving up some money, look for some apartments around if your in college, look for places near your campus. If your working, look for a place near your job. it’s a tough choice and it may damage your relationship with your family. If you ever decide to move out, make sure you communicate everything with your parents. Be honest with them, and let them know that your moving out to be more independent, not because you are angry with the way they treat you. You can always tell your parents how you feel, but there’s no guarantee that things will work out. Just remember to be truthful always, and plan everything ahead. I hope everything works well for you. Don't rush your decisions, think things through and make your that you have a good network of people to talk to.

## Post 4 by Click_Clash (No Average Angel) on Monday, 08-Jun-2009 10:39:17

lol, Joanne, that's the more cautious point of view you're looking for. Prettygurl0287, you make some very good points; I guess, like I said before, it just depends on how quickly you want out. I must disagree with you on one thing though: if one is an adult but not being treated as such by the people with whom they're living, then moving out isn't running away; it's asserting one's rights and coming to the understanding that one doesn't have to sit around and take that kind of treatment.

## Post 5 by Miss Gorgeous (I'm going for the prolific poster awards!) on Monday, 08-Jun-2009 19:28:50

Hey, okay, you got a point right there. If the abuse is too much and you are not being treated accordingly, then I would say, go for it. If you tried to communicate with your parents, and they did not bother to listen to you or if they fail to understand your reasoning then move out. Yeah, sometimes no matter how much you try to assert yourself, your parents’ perception of you will never change or in their eyes, there is always something wrong about you and they will always think that you still need their guidance. Most of the time, they only see the wrong things you did and not notice all the good things. If that is the case, then your better off moving out. Yes, being 18 or 21 means that you are officially an adult by law and you can do whatever you want, but it does not always apply to everyone. Every person has different levels of maturity. Not everyone develops the same time. Yes, we may all say that we are all an adult in reference to our age, but sometimes, our actions don’t show it. Most of us think that we can do whatever we want just because we are an adult, but sometimes, our actions may not be in lined with our age. If you think you can handle paying for all your bills and not asking help from your parents then good for you. Being independent does not always mean doing things on your own; it is having the maturity to think of different ways to get out of a problem. If you have a stable job and you’ve earned enough money, but your situation at home hasn’t changed, then I think that’s the time you leave. I’m not saying that you should wait for things to get really worst before you go, I’m just saying that you got to think things through. Moving out is not a joke, what will happen to you if your money runs out or if your dependent on social security, what if your monthly budget is not enough to pay for all your bills. What if you got laid off from your job or you got sick because of all the stress? Just pause for a moment and don’t let your anger control your actions because if you really decide to go, you can’t go back. I know you can, but if your pride gets in the way, you would rather live on your own and visit ones in awhile.

## Post 6 by bea (I just keep on posting!) on Tuesday, 09-Jun-2009 9:57:57

Is there another family member besides parents who can help you get it together to move away from the home? My sister helped out; I knew my father wouldn't, and my mother had died so I made up my mind to go. My situation was a little different because I had the money to go and I wanted to live closer to my job. But if another relative who doesn't live under the same roof as you can help, that's my suggestion.

## Post 7 by Click_Clash (No Average Angel) on Tuesday, 09-Jun-2009 11:22:08

That's true, and as I said earlier, that's part of the reason why it took me so long to move out for good. I just wasn't mature enough to handle it for a long time. Unfortunately, even now after I've grown up so much, I'm still paying for academic and financial mistakes I made when I was younger, which is why I'm in the money situation I'm in now. Right now, I do have to depend on the government, although I might finally have some job prospects on the horizon. I guess it all boils down to a choice: would you rahter live under your parents' roof and be constantly subjected to verbal abuse, or on your own, possibly depending on SSI and food stamps at first and struggling every day just to keep your head above water? Either way, its' not going to be easy, but if you're on your own, it will get better eventually. You'll just have to make some sacrifices at first, but that's the way it is. By the way, please forgive any typos. I'm usually very good about proofreading, but JAWS isn't reading what I type back to me, again. Grrr.

## Post 8 by Reyami (I've broken five thousand! any more awards going?) on Tuesday, 09-Jun-2009 12:13:23

not sure how much my brother can do, but I do have some friends who might be able to help me out of this. I will discuss it with them when i see them next month.

## Post 9 by blw1978 (I'll have the last word, thank you!) on Tuesday, 09-Jun-2009 14:01:41

Hi, it sounds like you have a lot going on. First, there is more to moving out than having income. Can you budget your money, run a household, pay the bills on time? Can you cook, clean with little or no assistance? I've been out on my own for over four years. My situation is different in that my parents were selling our house. My mom and dad helped me find an apartment close to college. Yes, I was a bit overwhelmed, and I had some problems with my mom moving in with me for a bit. But, I set some boundaries with her. You need to priortize your immediate needs. Is it more important to have a job right now? This could determine where you live, and your budget. If you need housing assistance, can you go about applying for that? Yes, I was really overwhelmed when I moved out for the first couple of weeks. I definitely had my oh crap moments where I wondered if I'd be responsible enough to pay the bills. But, I now have a regular routine. Before you move out, it would help tremendously if you had a bank account linked with a debit card. personally, I pay almost all of my bills via phone. I have a set amount of money for food, clothes and entertainment. I absolutely love my parents, and visit them frequently, but I like being a bachelorette. I can come and go as I please, have friends over with privacy, and get up, shower, and go to bed when I want. Yes, the neighbors can be annoying, and very rarely, I still feel a bit isolated, but I have friends that I go out with regularly, a job, and lots of entertainment (computer, braille books, cable tv), at home. Have you budgeted how much it would actually cost for you to move out? I work at our housing authority, and security deposits plus the cost of rent can get really expensive. Plus, there's the cost of actually setting up a household. Things like light bulbs, toilet paper and condiments I sort of took for granted at home. Now, these things figure into my monthly budget. There's also expenses like deposits for phone service and energy accounts. If your unit has a coin-op laundry, you'll have to factor that in as well. Also, do you want a roomate? There are definitely benefits and drawbacks to roomates and living by yourself. Just some things to think about. Also, the situation with your mom may not improve just cause you've moved out. Moms are always gonna be momns, with all their quirks and annoying habits. It would be advisable to have a good social network in place before you move out. Do you have friends that can take you to school/work if necessary? It would really suck, if you moved out only to find yourself isolate and shut out from the outside world. I am very lucky that I had such a great network of family/friends to help transition into my bachelorette pad. Practice your daily living skills now before you move out. Heck, then maybe your mom won't nag as much! Anyway hope this helps.

## Post 10 by Click_Clash (No Average Angel) on Tuesday, 09-Jun-2009 16:19:59

Very good points. Speaking of the bank account, I'd also suggest, if you haven't done it already, to get everything of yours in your name. My mother's name used to be on my phone, my SSI, and my bank account. I've since gotten all of that in my own name. That way, she can't threaten me with any of it.
As far as daily living skills, I would suggest looking into your local training center or Center for Independent Living (if you have one). Voc Rehab also has ADL teachers.
As for roommates, be very, very careful about living with other people.
Becky

## Post 11 by blw1978 (I'll have the last word, thank you!) on Wednesday, 10-Jun-2009 16:20:37

Yeah, be careful on the roommate thing. Also, have someone from your voc rehab department or another agency show you your new surroundings. A divided file folder to keep printed material such as important papers and bills is a great idea. So is a brailled list of important phone numbers and account numbers, say like your bank info and public service account number. I do a lot of laundry, so I'd suggest a couple of mesh laundry bags or some type of laundry container on wheels. These are relatively inexpensive, and believe me, you'll thank yourself later. Can you organize things in an orderly manner? This critical, cause mom and dad aren't going to be around to read everything or help you find stuff. Some type of emergency plan would be a good idea as well, but this is really just common sense.

## Post 12 by Harmony (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Sunday, 23-Aug-2009 8:50:11

I've remembered my bank information and stuff, but you might want a safe or file thing to keep important information in.

## Post 13 by laced-unlaced (Account disabled) on Sunday, 23-Aug-2009 11:39:16

this is a great thread, i feel the same way as poster 1 and badly want to move out, so bad, in fact i don't actually feel secure at home.
that's a nice idea harmony, safe files are always a good start.
keeping an eye on this topic

## Post 14 by Harmony (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Sunday, 23-Aug-2009 13:55:00

And if you get temporary accommodation like a bed and breakfast or something where you don't know who's around, do yourself a favor and keep your door locked. Mind you that's sort of common sense. I've changed my bank statements to only online now, but I do still get braille ones now and again, so I can make sure exactly what's going in and out and I also use the telephone bank thing. Not sure if they have that service in the US.

## Post 15 by laced-unlaced (Account disabled) on Monday, 24-Aug-2009 10:49:49

ah yeah, that's a good point!. nothing worse than having stuff taken from your room. if i ever get what i want, that will be the first thing i do, quickly followed by getting a closet or something to keep stuff safe

## Post 16 by Harmony (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Monday, 24-Aug-2009 10:59:54

In most temporary places, they have a cupboard or shelves for putting clothes and stuff on, but good idea.

## Post 17 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Wednesday, 02-Sep-2009 15:21:11

I'm not sure if I'm the best person to advise you on this, since I'm eighteen, and just starting to experience the world myself, but I know I also want to move out. I don't mind living with my parents, but I'm ready for a change. the only problem is, moving out and going to college at the same time would be difficult, I'm sure, and I really want to get a good paying job. Is there a good way to get around this? Would it be possible to get a job for the first little while until you're settled, and used to living on your own.
I personally would rather live with a room mate, although I would want it to be someone I knew really well. There are so many questions, but it's a good thing to think about, as I'm sure nobody wants to live with their parents their whole life. I know I don't.

## Post 18 by turricane (happiness and change are choices ) on Thursday, 03-Sep-2009 7:16:14

room mates can be very very good. they can also be extremely the opposite. Although they can save us money, dealing with their quirks, foibles, and habbits can get annoying and or downright dangerous. What I'm going to relate is not meant to discourage or scare you. It is just the stuff I learned about the hard way. I hope that my dumbness will give you food for thought and things you need to consider. Granted my experiences occured over a quarter century ago, but I doubt human nature has changed appreciably.
Moochers have been a problem for me. You know the males or females who don't do their fair share. When the rent was due or the food was purchased there was always a problem or some form of drama. "you don't mind this once....." Any financial agreements I made with someone with whom I lived were in writing and witnessed. This is very important. Make sure that you know that the rent from their half is being paid. I had a friend whose daughter was recently evicted. She was giving the money to the landlord for her half, but her room mate was not. So they both got tossed out on the street.
If it is a sighted person, most of them are clueless about how we do stuff. My son, who grew up with me from birth until he moved out, still puts things in different places. it just doesn't occur to him that he's causing a hassle.
then there are the lazy roommmates. they don't clean up and are total slobs. i had one who would put the ice trays back with one cube in them. she didn't feel comfortable filling them up, so guess who had to do it? it sounds trivial as can be but gets old pretty darned quick.
Oh yes there are the roommates who thought I needed another mommy. Hey I moved away from one of those. I didn't need an under study.
On to the more serious problems. You have the drug users and the thieves. I had a roommate do coke because "she's blind and won't know." Thanks so much you lying mistrustful beotch. I've had stuff come up missing. I work too hard to make my money to have it be donated to charity which was not of my choice.
Not all roommates are like rhoda or ahny other tv counterparts. There are good ones, but the best one I've had is the one to whom I'm married.

## Post 19 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Thursday, 03-Sep-2009 12:17:16

Wow. That sounds pretty rough. I hope those kind of experiences are few and far between. At least the more serious ones.

## Post 20 by wildebrew (We promised the world we'd tame it, what were we hoping for?) on Thursday, 03-Sep-2009 15:20:55

Always, always, always, make any financial contracts in writing, be it rental contract, room mate agreement etc. Specify amount paid by each or rent, add a clause that you can request person be removed after a month of non performance (some states allow people to smooch up to 6 months i.e. not pay rent).
After renting our place out for years I've seen minor non performance disputes, my sister's husband's cousing movd in for what supposed to be a month in their place, it's been a year and she refuses to move out, yet pays no rent and doesnot help out with household stuff. I have all sorts of room mate stories gone bad. Lesson from all this, make a contract, just write it in Word, ahve the person you are dealing with sign it, you sign it and then keep it somewhere save. Minor damage cases can be taken to your local Small Claims Court without a lawyer and the court has power to take the guilty parties wages, or part of them, or request a person be evicted.
Of course one would hope you never have to use this, we only had two month'snon payment of rent in 3 years and 3 renters, but you feel a lot safer having taken care of it.
Cheers
-B

## Post 21 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Saturday, 05-Sep-2009 11:18:28

Good idea. I also think it would be a good idea not to live with someone you don't know unless it's an absolute emergency, especially when it's your first time. Of course, that definitely won't eliminate all problems, but it would at least cut out the problem of not knowing who you're living with.

## Post 22 by blw1978 (I'll have the last word, thank you!) on Sunday, 06-Sep-2009 18:21:48

Hi, for the poster who was interested in moving out and going to school. I moved into my apartment the same week I started a new semester at school. You'll have to practice good time management, but it can be done. Lots f students move out while in college. Don't let that be a reason not to move out, if you feel you're truly ready. If you're going to get a job, don't plan on quitting anytime soon. Especially in this economy. Sometimes it helps to get yourself out of your comfort zone. If you want a job, and to move out, then do it. It might help to find the job before moving out. make sure you're financially responsible before undertaking a move out of your parents' house. I can't stress how important this is. worked part-time for a semester. This too required some juggling.

## Post 23 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Saturday, 12-Sep-2009 11:16:07

That makes sense. Thanks for the advice.

## Post 24 by Click_Clash (No Average Angel) on Monday, 14-Sep-2009 12:26:33

Agreed with blw1978. You'll really need to discipline yourself. I had big problems with that when I first was an adult, but I've grown up a lot. I now have my own apartment, and when I move to Murfreesboro at the end of the year, I'll have a job, my own place, and a large academic load. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.
Namaste,
Becky

## Post 25 by blw1978 (I'll have the last word, thank you!) on Monday, 14-Sep-2009 22:52:46

Yeah, it sounds like you'll have a lot on your plate. But, as hard as it can be at times to juggle everything, there is really a feeling of accomplishment as well. Qn or privat me if you want to chat about this kind of stuff, as I know it's tough going sometimes.