# How would you feel if your husband hits you?

Category: Dating and Relationships

## Post 1 by Marigold (Generic Zoner) on Wednesday, 23-Nov-2011 23:23:07

Is there anyone in this world like me who suffers a lot. I really regret for marrying for another time. I am betrayed by the sighted guys. How would you feel if your husband beats you.
Whenever he is angry, he hits me. I regret very much for marrying.

## Post 2 by Blue Velvet (I've got the platinum golden silver bronze poster award.) on Wednesday, 23-Nov-2011 23:39:32

For me, the first time would also be the last. I'm sorry you are going through that, but you need to get out of the house and out of the marriage. Find a women's shelter or someone who can help you.

## Post 3 by rdfreak (THE ONE AND ONLY TRUE-BLUE KANGA-KICKIN AUSIE) on Thursday, 24-Nov-2011 0:49:31

I agree wholeheartedly.
I've heard how hard it can be, but you need to get out of the relationship, and if he keeps trying to stalk you, get a restraining order.
In my observations on this, in most cases, once a hitter, always a hitter; it becomes a bit of a pattern for them.

## Post 4 by starfly (99956) on Thursday, 24-Nov-2011 1:22:41

um... leave, its your life and if you do nto ift will go to fare. I od not know you but good luck

## Post 5 by Marigold (Generic Zoner) on Thursday, 24-Nov-2011 1:22:44

The problem is i am not able to get out of the relationship.
Actually, he helps and supports, but only the thing is he beats me when he is angry and does not listen to me.

## Post 6 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Thursday, 24-Nov-2011 5:33:08

A man who hits his wife is not helpful and supportive – he is an abuser.
What outside support do you have? Friends? Family? Does anyone in rl know what your husband is like?
Do you have children? Access to money?
I see you are in Bhutan and therefore I appreciate that access to a refuge and/or help to leave may not be readily available as it would be in the UK/US.
But that doesn’t mean you should feel that you can’t leave – you can, with the right help and support.
If you have access to money then you need to start putting some away to help you get out.
If you don’t have a separate bank account then put it in a safe place, leave with a trusted friend, just make sure that it’s somewhere your husband can’t find it.
Make sure you clear your computer history so that he can’t see what you’ve been doing i.e. that you’ve been coming here to post.
If you have a family doctor that might be a good place to start in terms of finding a refuge. It is entirely possible that refuges do exist in Bhutan, a domestic violence act was passed in 2010 I see from quick googling, so while you may be way behind the times in terms of support that doesn’t mean that support is not available – the key is finding how to access it.
And lastly but most importantly look after yourself. Evidence suggests that women are most at risk at the point they try to leave the relationship. So do be careful to not let your husband see what you are planning until the point at which you leave, which you should do while he is out.
No-one can know what it is like to be in a physically abusive relationship unless we have been there. We can all say “leave” and some will judge those who don’t. But it really isn’t that simple, however not being that simple doesn’t mean you can’t do it – you can.
Good luck.

## Post 7 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Thursday, 24-Nov-2011 15:03:30

As a man I can tell you that this wife beating stuff is just discusting. You should leave and call the police for that matter. This guy is just no good.

## Post 8 by Remy (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Thursday, 24-Nov-2011 21:28:28

Post 6 and 7 outline my thoughts exactly.

## Post 9 by Blue Velvet (I've got the platinum golden silver bronze poster award.) on Friday, 25-Nov-2011 0:01:41

I agree with what SugarBaby said exactly. You need to get help, and you need to make sure your husband doesn't find out you are looking for a way out because that could make him even more violent. You may feel you have no one to turn to because one thing a lot of abusive husbans do is isolate their wives from family and friends. But you need to find help and get out. This sounds like a very dangerous situation, and I wish you the best of luck.

## Post 10 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Friday, 25-Nov-2011 14:27:27

Yes, it won't be easy but getting out any way you can is the best thing to do.

## Post 11 by TechnologyUser2012 (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Friday, 25-Nov-2011 15:26:11

I agree with the other posters on here; get out of there and away from him as soon as you can. He is definitely no good.

## Post 12 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Friday, 25-Nov-2011 18:24:54

It sure is a shame that so many guys think that they can go hrough life acting that way.

## Post 13 by crazy_cat (Just a crazy cat) on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 0:05:29

I agree with others when they say that getting out of the relationship is the best thing for you to do. However, I also understand this may not be an easy thing for you to do. However, I also think it is important for you to know that you most likely do not do anything to provoke these attacks.
If you cannot find the kind of support you are looking for right away, perhaps you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone by reading accounts of what others have been through in similar situations. I would highly recommend the book Crazy Love; A Memoir by Leslie Morgan Steiner. I found it on the NLS download site, but I do not think you can access books from there if you live outside the United States.
I wish you the best of luck.

## Post 14 by Flop Eared Monster (Adorably monsterous) on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 2:00:53

Well now, I can understand how it might be hard to leave, but there has got to be a time before he goes too far. Hitting is never right whether it is the woman hitting or the man doing it. If he hits you, he is no man and if you have kids, it is only a matter of time before he hits them.

## Post 15 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 11:19:47

I don't think it's helpful to tell the op that if she has children he will hit them too.
Part of the reason why domestic violence has been such an un-discussed topic in the past is because it is the victim who is often made to feel guilty.
"you need to leave/thinkg of your children/if you don't leave then you are to blame," are just standard responses that I've seen on here and elsewhere.
It is really not that simple. and I think it's worth remembering that:
1. The woman is *never* to blame. Whether she leaves or not, she is not to blame for the fact that the man chooses to hit her. You can stay in a relationship without making the choice to be physically or emotionally abused - the two things are not mutually exclusive.
2. leaving is *always* the ideal solution, however is not always possible. If you have been so emotionally broken down that you have no self worth and genuinely believe that this is all you are worth, then it can be almost impossible to get up the courage to walk away. Add into that the comments listed above, from people who make the victim feel guilty by telling them that they are responsible for what happens to them, and it is easy to see why women stay. In addition to all that, many abusers make threats to their partners, "if you leave I'll take the kids/convince the judge you're mad/an unfit mother/I'll hunt you down and kill you." Consider that two women a week are killed by their partners in the UK and it is easy to see that men are very capable of carrying out those threats. How easy is it to leave when you have that hanging over you?
3. Where the op is from the facilities and support for victims of domestic violence are not readily available. And even in the UK (I cannot comment on the US as I don't live there), refuges are full to overflowing and it is not always possible to get a space in one. Plus there is still the added stigma of leaving your house and taking your family to a refuge, where you have to hide from everyone for fear of what might happen to you, and where you often have to admit to your friends and family what has been going on, and again, face their judgements (as above) as to why you hadn't left before.
I really wish people would think before casting judgements on people while they are often at their lowest point.
Op - the ideal for you is to leave this situation. And yes, you *can* do it, even if it takes time.
But in the meantime please please remember that none of this is your fault. You are not responsible for the fact your husband is an abuser. You are not responsible for what he does to you. Even if you are currently unable to leave, this is not your fault, and you still don't deserve to be abused.

## Post 16 by Flop Eared Monster (Adorably monsterous) on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 12:15:57

Oh, I am not judging her at all. I merely wanted to let her know that it could be a possibly happen. I thought it went without saying that it isn't her fault. My bad. After all, I did say hitting is wrong. It is never okay.
All I wanted to get across to her is to please try to find a way to keep herself and her children safe. Just because he is a good providor doesn't make him a good man.
And, Claire is right, it is not and never was or will be your fault. Please be safe. Sorry if it sounded as if I am judging. I never intended that.

## Post 17 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 12:34:06

it's ok michelle.
But I have seen such comments on here in the past. from people that say that if a woman doesn't leave then she deserves what she gets. If the children end up abused as well then the mother is also culpable even if she herself is a victim.
It's very easy for some people to see in black and white when they're not in the situation...

## Post 18 by charrington (Zone BBS is my Life) on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 14:04:26

I aggree with everyone on here, try your best to get out. The best of luck to you.

## Post 19 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 14:10:25

Okay I see the issue. Nobody says that she is to blame for anything. What we are saying is that if she doesn't leave she shouldn't be shocked when the abuse continues because it will. The guy won't wake up one day and say, "I've changed my mind about beating you."
Blame is often confused with basic cause and effect.

## Post 20 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 17:35:05

I don't care if you're a guy or girl. You hit your partner for any reason other than self-defense in a life or death situation then you deserve to have some fairly painful things done to you. I have no respect for anyone, man or woman, who hits their partner just because they can.

## Post 21 by The Lil Dark Piggy (This site is so "educational") on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 18:47:23

Nah, hitting isn't right on both partners. but I agree with what floppy has said, just try to keep yourself safe, and your kids. You an them are the most important things.

## Post 22 by forereel (Just posting.) on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 22:19:14

I agree with Sugar, but her country laws and culture have to be studdied before I'd say what she could or could not do. Yes leaving is the best. Yes when she decideds to leave she must do it as secretively as possible. Abuse is abuse no matter why. If your spouse makes you mad hitting him or her doesn't solve the issue, so for any reason, unless she provokes him he's wrong. On my part I would like to look at the country's situation.

## Post 23 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Monday, 28-Nov-2011 22:38:57

It doesn't matter what the country's situation is. Abuse is wrong.

## Post 24 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Tuesday, 29-Nov-2011 5:13:08

Margorp nobody is disputing that abuse is wrong. But when the laws and/or the culture of your country don't support that stance it is not as simple as just being able to stand up to it and get out. Because where do you go?
Where do you go when the laws of your country state that it is not illegal for a man to hit his wife? Where do you go when the laws of your country state that it is not illegal for a man to rape his wife - that sex is just a conjigal right of the man whether the woman consents or not? Where do you go when the law of your country states that if a woman leaves the marriage then custody of the children is automatically awarded to the father with no guaranteed access rights given to the mother?
Because there are countries where the laws are still as backward as this.
Even over here and in the US victims of domestic violence find it difficult to leave abusive relationships, because of the damage to their self esteem/worth, because of the threats of further violence to them and their children. So imagine how much harder it must be if you know that the law isn't on your side. That no-one will listen to you if you tell them that your partner beats you, because culturally this is an accepted norm.
I'm not saying this is how it is in the op's country, although looking on the web it seems that domestic violence is very much an accepted norm there, and that although a law was past about a year ago there is still a long long way to go in terms of making domestic violence an unacceptable practice.
In an ideal world every victim of domestic violence would be able to leave the relationship and go to a safe place.
But even in the UK/US victims of domestic violence are often still at risk even when they leave. In a country where you have no legal back-up or support, or even if the law sides with the abuser, it just really isn't as simple as being able to get out.

## Post 25 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Tuesday, 29-Nov-2011 18:48:24

I see what you are saying about the laws; I didn't think of that. So what do these people do? Just deal with it? Something's gotta give at a certain point.

## Post 26 by musicgirl (Veteran Zoner) on Tuesday, 29-Nov-2011 23:11:16

This is all true, but, it doesn't matter whether she provokes him or not. Violence is unacceptable no matter the circumstances. Even if he wanted to use the excuse, "You made me do it," there are other, much healthier ways of dealing with it. So in the end he is responsible for how he chooses to respond to the situation, and going the violence route is nno excuse.

## Post 27 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Wednesday, 30-Nov-2011 10:22:23

Of course it is still wrong no matter what but again, cause and effect. If you push someone they will snap. Some will yell, some will hit. Hopefully they don't hit but the point is we are all human. It doesn't make it acceptable but it's human nature.

## Post 28 by shea (number one pulse checking chicky) on Wednesday, 30-Nov-2011 22:20:29

i totally disagree. it's not human nature to snap and hit your spouse! Even if they are pushing your buttons! you have to have self control and it's the freaks that beat there wifes or husbands that don't have that control! I agree with you that some can push your buttons. but you have to be the better one and walk away or remove yourself from the situation!!! if you can't do this, then you yourself have issues too!

## Post 29 by BELLA LOVE (the Zone BBS remains forever my home page) on Wednesday, 30-Nov-2011 23:24:37

I strongly feel that you need to get out of that situation..go to a shelter, your family a friend you can trust...but do not stay there. He is a coward for beating on you, sorry i know hes your husband but no real guy who loves their wife will just beat on them. It can get worse, he can get furious & lose it completely; tomorrow, in 3 days, a week...
Just about a month ago on the news there was a couple who have 2 kids, the husband shoots his wife to death then shoots himself at another location, when they went in the wifes home the youngest child was sitting next to her mom crying, family said she was in the process of leaving her husband and years of abuse.
You do want to have to go through anything like this. You can get out. You can find a way to get out the marriage. But only YOU can do this. And when/if you do get out, i suggest you get a restraing order. Wish you the best & hope you get out.

## Post 30 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Thursday, 01-Dec-2011 1:42:52

You can as long as you're in a country where it's not considered acceptable for the man to beat his wife. And if you're not you're pretty much screwed. Because in those countries if you leave your husband you're probably considerred evil.

## Post 31 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Thursday, 01-Dec-2011 13:38:09

Shea:
Yes, you need to exercise self control however self control is not built in and is learned. Sadly, not everyone has this.

## Post 32 by Marigold (Generic Zoner) on Friday, 02-Dec-2011 5:19:49

I once decided to divorce but the another problem is agter marrying with him my youngest son got paralysed. God knows what had happened to him. Before my marriage with him, my son was normal. At present, i think he realized his guilty anow he is very kind to him. I want himself to look after my son till he gets old enough. He is only four years old.
Even, i reported to police for beating me.
Thanks very much for sugarbaby, i have never thought of saving my money with my trusted friends or families. From now onwards, i will do that. Until now whatever i had savings in the bank, he has wasted all these.
One day i want to get out of the relation. He is the one who made my child paralyzed. I want himself to suffer and look after my child. I very much regret for my child. He will be not normal as before. no

## Post 33 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Friday, 02-Dec-2011 11:24:51

I'm assuming English isn't your first language and tat's wy your post didn't entirely make sense to me. So I'm gona offer my view based on wat I got from it. But staying in an abusive relationship just because of the fact that you have children, if indeed that's what you've done, isn't a good idea. There are too many stories of women who stayed for te kids and ended up dead as a result.

## Post 34 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Friday, 02-Dec-2011 12:05:49

Yes, furthermore, he may be kind to your son at the moment but you can be assured that that will change down the road.

## Post 35 by starfly (99956) on Friday, 02-Dec-2011 14:22:40

Not just eavil, if cot dead!. This is all I will say, good luck, if you can get out unscaved hugs to you and good luck.

## Post 36 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Friday, 02-Dec-2011 16:49:04

Yes indeed, best of luck.

## Post 37 by forereel (Just posting.) on Friday, 02-Dec-2011 22:52:12

As Sugar has pointed out if the laws of the country are not with her what can she do except sneak away? Now if you look at that "self control" well if its excepitable for a husband to beat his wife, than he doesn't feel wrong, or even need "self control." He is her husband, and she is his wife, and if he wants to beat her for whatever reason he won't get help, because he's simply being a man. Maybe if he's not "a man" his brothers, friends, will look down on him, so every now and than he comes home and beats her. To give her the best advice we'd all need to study the country. If it is a country where the laws and culture are not with her, than getting help from close friends, or churches that don't supscribe to the culture is her only resource, so sneaking away.

## Post 38 by forereel (Just posting.) on Saturday, 03-Dec-2011 13:08:33

I’m going to approach this topic from an unpopular view, so I’ll understand if I cause offence.
A culture that puts the man as head of his home, wife, and all that goes with, and allows beatings, or what is called punishment, most times has rules to when and why a man can, or should beat his wife. There are many reasons that make it lawful, but I’ll not go in to them at this point.
Assuming the poster lives in a country that supports this view the question arises; why does your husband hit, or beat you?
If you say “how would you feel if your husband hit you,” of course that statement brings out much sympathy.
Of course women are going to feel bad. It is what beatings are designed to accomplish. You feel bad, so you change the activity, or cause of why you were punished.
Are you disobedient, and refuse to go by the rules? Do you refuse him too often in the things he asks of you?
If women lives in this type of society and can’t escape, it seems prudent to learn what causes your punishment and change your ways. You happened to not live in a place that allows you to be disobedient and go to the law and have them stand by you, for any reason you decide you don’t wish to follow the rules your husband has set forth for you. The US, Canada, Europe, and the UK allow for this, but many other places, and I think it is most, don’t support this view.
As a man in these cultures you are 100% responsible for what your wife does, and if she refuses to follow your rules and gets in to trouble, or makes you look badly in your community you are punished for her. Your responsibility is to keep her obedient. Even in the places I have mentioned that allow women to be disobedient, cheat, run up credit bills, cause problems for her husband and get support from the law. All societies tend to hold a man totally responsible for his wife’s actions. He does have some recourse, in that he may divorce her, or leave her, but even in most cases he must pay, or be responsible for the outcome of her foolishness. Divorcing her, or going to the courts and getting legal recourse don’t carry as much stigma, but it still does.
Even in the cultures that demand a man be 100% responsible for his wife offer help for the woman. If he is unusually cruel, or has a drinking issue, his brothers, elders, or male community will and do straighten him out if the wife goes to the community elder and has just complaints.
If you are one with just complaints, is there some sort of elder system in place in your country or city you might appeal to?
If you can’t get out, than seems to me the solution is to learn the reason your husband hits you and see if you can’t solve the problem by changing your activities.
I understand that many women that live in these cultures are happy with their plight, and shamed if they get punished. I have spoken to several to learn this, so I’m not just talking out of the sky.
Most have explained to me that the good wife is loved deeply, and cherished above all else, but the in mature women is shameful, and they agree she should be punished, or divorced.
Lastly you stated he was responsible for your son’s disability, but you still wish him to support him. Why was or is he responsible? What did he do to cause it? You don’t say.

## Post 39 by CrystalSapphire (Uzuri uongo ndani) on Saturday, 03-Dec-2011 19:54:39

he'd find his ass on the floor, then in jail, and then homeless.

## Post 40 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Saturday, 03-Dec-2011 20:02:54

I'm sorry, but excusing abuse because of cultural differences is like excusing your neighbor's abnoxiously loud music because of age. Most cultural differences I can be quite understanding of, but when another person comes to harm as a result, that's where I draw the line. It's the people like you who allow these abusers to get away with what they do. We've all made mistakes; none of us are completely innocent, but unless you've been commiting some sort of act of violence against your partner and the only way they can protect themselves is to fight back, nothing justifies violence of any kind. and if the aggressor is not willing to admit that he/she has serious issues and take serious measures to solve them, the only other way for this to stop is to leave. and even if you were to change your ways so as not to get beaten, this would only work for so long, if at all. People who resort to violence to express their anger won't just stop when your behavior improves, because you will never be perfect, and there will always be something you do from time to time that will anger them enough to drive them to violence. It may not even be something you did; just one of those "wrong place at the wrong time" type situations.

## Post 41 by forereel (Just posting.) on Saturday, 03-Dec-2011 21:38:30

I never said I approve or disapprove. No matter how you dislike is it is the way it is.
I did point out that I had actually spoken to some women who live in this sort of society and they don't mind. Most were not abused, and several were not married at the time. We can't honestly say if she is telling the total truth. When a woman says "my husband hits me" the sympathy come out and we take her side totally.
Lets look at one point a man has to deal with in societies like these. His wife goes out and causes damage to some place. He can't just say "well she's grown and blame her." He can't leave her for it either. He must pay, and sometimes do her jail term. It is his fault, so buy the rules he can beat her. From what I understand a beating is the last resort. It is shameful for a woman to be beaten by her husband. It is normally done publicly so she is shamed.
Yes I do know that people, or men use the rules to be abusive, but this is not in all cases.
If she can not get out, than she can try to modify her behavior. Again, I wonder if there is any elder she might take her case to?

## Post 42 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Sunday, 04-Dec-2011 9:46:03

the only way I could possibly lose my sympathy for her is if we found out she was completely lying about having been beaten at all.

## Post 43 by musicgirl (Veteran Zoner) on Sunday, 04-Dec-2011 12:55:20

Which goes back to the point that some of us have tried to make. There is no acceptable justification for abuse.

## Post 44 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Sunday, 04-Dec-2011 17:27:51

so forreal let's see what else is justifyable in the name of culture shall we?
We'll start with honour killings - yes - when someone, usually a woman, brings the name of her family into disrepute by not marrying the right person, then it is seen as acceptable to kill her. But hey it's all done in the name of culture so if only these women didn't stray from the cultural norms then these crimes wouldn't happen, right?
What about genital mutillation where young girls are... well without going into the in's and outs it's a pretty self-explanatory practice that is carried out in some cultures in order to assume the woman doesn't stray... hey there must be some justification for it right? and if only previous women hadn't strayed then maybe these practices wouldn't have evolved, d'ya think?
Let's move on to rape shall we, and the woman in Afghanistan who was in the news this week, who was sent to jail for being raped - yes that's right - in Afghanistan if a woman is raped then she is guilty of adultery and faces a jail term. The fact she is actually the victim is seemingly inconsequencial; she must have done something to provoke the man who raped her otherwise she surely wouldn't be guilty of adultery, is that right? Oh and to add to her story, she was released from jail this week on condition she marry her rapest. Presumably she now faces a lifetime of marital rape but hey that's ok because it's all a part of her culture.
And then we move on to your point that domestic violence is acceptable in some cultures so if only the little wifey toes the line and does as she is told then she shouldn't be beaten, so if she's beaten she must only have herself to blame.
And you know what the common theme running through all these different senarios is? They are all acts of violence, barbarism, degradation perpitrated against women by men. Funny that, isn't it? Can you imagine men being happy with the status quo if it were the other way round? no didn't think so.
While people like you justify acts of violence against women in the name of culture these acts of violence will continue to be perpitrated in the name of culture.
The fact is that violence is wrong, without exception. The fact that this violence is carried out in the name of culture doesn't make it any less wrong, it just gives people cause to justify it and for the victims to become the accused.
"When a woman says "my husband hits me" the sympathy come out and we take her side totally." and what do you think should be the alternative response then? "well what did you do to deserve it?" The fact is that a woman who is hit doesn't deserve it - ever. She is the victim here. A loving husband does not and would not hit his wife - not even if his culture permits it. And how is it that you seem to think it is acceptable for a man to hit his wife in anger but presumably you wouldn't consider it acceptable the other way around?
Violence is violence. Sometimes the law is not on the side of the victim, but that doesn't make the victim responsible for their treatment.
Rape is rape wherever you go. Just because the laws of some countries state that a woman who is raped is an adulterer doesn't mean that she is.
It's only by acknowledging that these cultural norms are wrong and making them less acceptable worldwide that we can challenge them and gain better rights for people everywhere. And frankly your views of women needing to toe the line to make sure they're not hit are repulsive.

## Post 45 by forereel (Just posting.) on Sunday, 04-Dec-2011 20:48:11

I do agree that many wrongs are committed. However, I can't change these things. I am not talking about the extremes you have posted, and have ask if there is some elder group she might appeal to?
It is an unpopular view I have posted, but maybe it is a solution?

## Post 46 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Monday, 05-Dec-2011 6:32:25

of course it's an unpopular view, because it is the wrong view.
The instant we start suggesting that it is the victim who needs to take responsibility for their treatment we instantly justify that treatment on the part of the agressor. And as soon as we start to do that what is unacceptable becomes the accepted norm..
Yes there are steps a woman can take to prevent her from remaining a victim - she can leave the bastard. But if leaving is not an immediate option for financial/cultural reasons then that doesn't mean she is responsible for what continues to happen to her in the meantime.
And domestic violence can be as serious as some of the examples I listed above. In the UK two women a week are killed by a violent partner. I don't know the figures for the US, and I imagine that in a country where the laws do not side with the victim the figures are considerably higher than that.

## Post 47 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Monday, 05-Dec-2011 8:30:45

Plus, like I said earlier, it doesn't matter if she turns into the perfect little angel. at some point, something she does will make him snap. Nobody is perfect, and behavior is not like a lightswitch you can turn on and off at any given moment. changing one's behavior so radically is an adjustment, which, of course, she shouldn't have to do, but even if she did, it would take weeks or more and would never be absolutely perfect in his eyes.

## Post 48 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Monday, 05-Dec-2011 12:32:17

This always happens when this type of topic comes up:
Nobody here is justifying anything. If the law of the country is on his side she will have a rough time for sure. That is the way it is. Do I like it. No, but sometimes we have to look at reality.
The same goes for parts of any country. Is it right or fare? No, but the facts are what they are.

## Post 49 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Monday, 05-Dec-2011 19:15:21

yes, but that doesn't mean she should have to change her ways or just deal with it. what if he beat her to the point where her life was in danger and she would die if it ever happened again? O well. Her country isn't on her side, so I guess it just is what it is.

## Post 50 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Monday, 05-Dec-2011 23:14:59

No look I agree with you. She has the options of running away or taking matters into her own hands.

## Post 51 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Tuesday, 06-Dec-2011 8:35:41

Always assuming of course that her husband doesn't have control of the finances or whatever other assets she would need to get out of the situation. In that case it would be pretty damn hard for her to leave. And as has already been said, that could make it hard for the woman to get along especially in a culture where it's indeed considered acceptable and right for a man to beat his wife when she strays. Her only option in that situation would be to leave the country and go somewhere where such abuse is considered criminal. But if she couldn't afford to do that she'd be pretty well screwed since in countries and cultures where beatings aren't frowned on she would probably be shunned for leaving her husband, regardless of whether her life would be endangered by staying. Because in most if not all tose countries women aren't likely to be looked at as equals to the men in terms of status or whatever. We may think they're barbaric by how they live but they probably think we're just as if not more so because we don't generally look favorably on beating our women as they do.

## Post 52 by starfly (99956) on Tuesday, 06-Dec-2011 10:32:22

If a woman is cot in some countries cheeting, and doing some other acts, she is drug out and stoned in town square. If not then she is beeten senseless, however, this is nogt right but that is why I said good luck getting out of here. I pray he does not see this board because lord nows what he would do.

## Post 53 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Tuesday, 06-Dec-2011 12:12:30

True I never even thought of that.

## Post 54 by Marigold (Generic Zoner) on Friday, 09-Dec-2011 7:37:36

Thanks to all for your kind advices, suggestions and feedbacks.
I could not think suitable title for this immediately. How would you feel if your husband hits you striked my mind directly. If i am to change the title how would it be better?
Forereel, i say he is responsible for my disabled child because after marrying with him only my child became disabled, before that he was normal. During his absence, i have to carry the child on my back where ever i go and have to suffer. Thus, i don't want to divorce till my child is able to walk properly.
When he is angry he drags me instead of guiding. As much as possible i try to bear. But, sometimes it is too much.
Most of the time he speaks harshly to me. i cannot understand why. I listen to him what he say and do what he tells me to do. I can't understand why he is so harsh to me.
My ex-husband never hitted me. Misunderstanding occurred. Due to parent's interferrence we divorced.

## Post 55 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Friday, 09-Dec-2011 10:11:36

I am verry sorry he treats you that way. Hopefully you are able to remove yourself from the situation.

## Post 56 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Friday, 09-Dec-2011 17:20:24

ok op you clearly have multiple issues here:
Firstly, you have a disabled child - I don't know the circumstances of his paralysis, however there must be some help you can access for him that means you won't have to carry him. wheelchair? have you been to see your doctor wrt the fact he cannot walk? When he stopped being able to walk did you take him to hospital for tests? and if not, why not? If your son's disability is as a result of treatment by your husband then he is guilty of child cruelty and is legally accountable.
Get some proper medical testing and diagnosis for your son in order to move forward with this. And if his disability is permanent then seek the proper support to enable him some greater independence, such as a wheelchair. Carrying him is not sustainable in the long-term - he will grow and will reach a point where you are no longer able to do so safely, therefore you need to seek that support now, while you still have time.
You've been divorced before, so I therefore take it that divorce is not a tabu here. As such I am less inclined to thing that it would be harder to leave the relationship. You don't need this man in your life, not for your son and certainly not for you. Put some money aside for yours/your childrens' future, then get rid of this wasted excuse for a man.

## Post 57 by forereel (Just posting.) on Friday, 09-Dec-2011 17:31:18

I have spoken with you and help you with many things. I suggested services that might help you get treatment for your child.
You can't blame your current husband for your child's disability, because it was caused by a sickness not him. He married you, so is responsible only to help you, but not support your child from the first union if you decide to leave him.
You should not stay in a relationship you do not enjoy because of your child, that is not his, but find other means of help/support.
Last, if he is good to your at times you can talk with him. Maybe try communicating on the subject of why he sometimes feels he should hit you. Maybe he'll tell you why and you both can talk it over and make it stop.
That solution is only if you are deciding to remain with him for any reason you might have. Maybe go to your elders and that way you get a third person, or group involved that could help both of you solve this issue.

## Post 58 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Friday, 09-Dec-2011 23:22:57

I doubt he would stop because most abusers don't. And as far as survices for her child, the country she lives in may not have such survices.

## Post 59 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Saturday, 10-Dec-2011 8:42:31

I agree with the prior posters. Staying in an abusive relationship just for the sake of a child is the wrong thing to do, especially if the child isn't his. Because Margorp's right in that most abusers don't stop even when they promise you they will. THey may hold to that promise for a time but sooner or later something is going to happen that's going to cause him/her to revert. Not to say that some abusers aren't able to break the cycle with help but most of the aren't even willing to get that help or take it seriously. There are, as I said, too many stories of women who stay in relationships for their children and give their abuser all the chances he wants to change. Well many of those women end up paying for it with their lives.

## Post 60 by forereel (Just posting.) on Saturday, 10-Dec-2011 14:10:52

No. I suggested some ways to get help from other places if she cannot find them in her country. Looking at home is the first and best method.
As far as abusive, I'm not sure he's an abuser, or just hits her now and then when maybe he can't get his point across or something. I don't agree that hitting her is best or right, but maybe he's provoked, and just doesn't know a better way. This is why I suggest trying the communication method. She's in it for now, so why not try the fix?
I guess if I'm going to look at a situation I must look at all sides of it, not just the assumed victim. It seems the fair thing to do.
I'd see it the same if a male posted something like "how would you feel if your wife refused you?" We'll why? That is my first question in any situation.
If we know the why, than we can decide the how, or fix, or even if it’s hopeless.
She does make one point that causes me to wonder, and that is she feels he should be responsible for her child no matter what, when the child is not his. Where is the child’s dad? Why is he not being responsible?
She does say she has to do for the child when her current husband is not around, so does that mean when he is he helps?
You see many questions will come about if a couple goes to a third party that can see both sides. A solution might be gotten this way.

## Post 61 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Saturday, 10-Dec-2011 14:24:02

True he may just be a horrible communicator.

## Post 62 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Saturday, 10-Dec-2011 17:16:55

Is he an abuser, or does he just hit her when he feel he can't get his point acrossed? do you know how absolutely ridiculous that question sounds? Honestly, that's not much better than asking if a rapist is really raping, or just being very forthcoming with his or her sexual desires. How about we let you live for a few years with someone who hits instead of expressing their dissatisfaction in a civil way, and we'll see if you're still singing the same tune.

## Post 63 by forereel (Just posting.) on Saturday, 10-Dec-2011 20:59:24

That wasn't a question. It was a statement. Abuse and a slap are different things. Abuse is when she's hurting, a slap is when he just hits her to get a point across, but doesn't mark her.
Abuse doesn't have to be physical. Women do it verbally all the time. Fustration is maybe the problem, but I can't say.
Sort of like spanking a child, that is not abuse if it a spanking, but if body harm is done, or mental harm athat is abuse.
Now I know some people don't believe in spanking a child either, so I'll hopefully not have that issue to fight, but maybe his way to get her to listen or stop nagging is to slap her.
I truly can't say, but I do know that both sides have to be brought up, not just one, because that side might just be lacking information.

## Post 64 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Sunday, 11-Dec-2011 0:05:40

However abuse and just a slap now and again are both completely wrong.

## Post 65 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Sunday, 11-Dec-2011 4:48:59

Someone who hits their partner regularly is an abuser. It doesn't matter whether they slap their partner regularly or whether they beat her up to the extent she ends up in hospital, inflicting violence regularly on to your partner is abuse. It is that simple.
And someone who uses phrases like "maybe he was provoked" or "Maybe he just can't get his point across" or "hitting isn't the same as abuse" is a justifier i.e. someone who believes that violence is justified. It isn't.
Abuse is abuse - just because the level of impact may be less doesn't make the action any less. As Jess said higher up, if a man rapes a woman you don't say "well maybe he didn't understand why she was trying to fight him off, and well maybe he was so turned on he just couldn't stop," do you?
It's very simple really, if "he" reacts in certain ways towards certain situations, then "he" is the one to blame.

## Post 66 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Sunday, 11-Dec-2011 15:30:58

Exactly. plenty of people have no problem expressing their anger by either talking it over or walking away. Yes, often discussions can get very heated, but it's still better than abusing, ...I mean, slapping your partner.

## Post 67 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Sunday, 11-Dec-2011 16:20:44

I for one am not justifying anything. Funny how an earlier post said that this is not a black and white situation and now look where we are.

## Post 68 by forereel (Just posting.) on Sunday, 11-Dec-2011 16:31:00

Sorry, I've just got to try to see both sides.
I personally don't even believe its necessary to have what you called a "heated" conversation. We can discuss a thing, agree to disagree, and that is that. All that yelling is just not for me, but I can see how it can happen and why.
Now lets look at that rape situation. Yes, rape is wrong period, however there are situations where a man is accused of it and punished for it unjustly.
Take for example a woman comes to a man's place or invites him to hers. She has been sexually teasing him the whole time physically and verbally before they arrive. At this point she says she has changed her mind, but continues with the teasing. She gets undressed, in to bed with him, and says she has changed her mind. At this point he might think she's just teasing and the struggle she's putting up is only part of the teasing. Did he rape her? Of course, but should he be punished, called a rapist, hung out as a bad person, and even shot?
We don't know how offten "my husban hits me" so we'd have to look at both sides. Also what is wrong with solving the issue, or trying?
Divorce him, shoot him, get out of there, killing dig himn up and kill him again, is the reaction mostly gotten from titles like this one. I even said if the abuse is bad its best to leave, but I didn't feel exactly happy with that, so posted the other side.
Yes abuse is wrong, but I see no need to try an figure out 1. If its actually abuse, and 2. If it can be solved no matter what it is.

## Post 69 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Sunday, 11-Dec-2011 18:00:14

both sides? The fact is that when someone hits their partner the "both sides" are that the person doing the hitting is the abuser, and the person being hit is the victim. End of. It doesn't matter how heated your arguments get or how much you are provoked, the instant you resort to violence you have overstepped a boundary and you are the one in the wrong.
"We don't know how offten "my husban hits me"" once is once too often, so no, again there are no "both sides" to the story.
And rape is rape. It doesn't matter if a couple start out in a position where they get close and there is a chance something will happen. The instant the woman withdraws her consent and says no then the man should stop. And any decent man would do so. Any man who continues on regardless is a rapest.
It's really rather disturbing, this notion that men are seemingly not in control of their reactions, that being provoked in the heat of an argument can cause a man to hit his partner, somehow repeatedly, and he's seemingly not in control of that and it should be up to the woman to not rock the boat, or as soon as they think there's a chance of some action they cannot control their urges any longer and the woman should never have started it in the first place because he cannot possibly be responsible for his actions...
Plenty of men don't hit or abuse or beat up their partners.
Plenty of men are perfectly understanding and respectful of the word no and would never even contemplate carrying on having sex with a woman once she had said she didn't want to, regardless of how keen she had seemed beforehand, not because they would be accused of rape, but because you know, there are some decent men out there who don't see women as their conquests to treat as they like and who see sex as something important and meaningful not as an entitlement.
Margorp it's not black and white in terms of the fact that sometimes, it's not always as easy to leave an abusive relationship as we would hope, sometimes due to circumstances, sometimes due to finances, or even threats from the abuser..
Violence is very much black and white - the agressor is wrong, always.

## Post 70 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Sunday, 11-Dec-2011 19:43:21

Technically yes, the agresser is wrong however one must look at the situation logically. I'm not ready to give this guy the man of the year award believe me, but we need to consider all of the angles.

## Post 71 by Marigold (Generic Zoner) on Tuesday, 13-Dec-2011 8:01:35

I took my child to hospital. He is still undergoing the treatment. Doctor said that there are blood clots in the brain. Now he can walk but his right arm in not functioning. He is not able to hold things with his right han.
In my country, if a woman gets divorced with two to three husbands, she is cursed and blamed. Thus, i am bearing.
When ever he gets angry, he says he wants to leave me. I am waiting for the opportunity for him to leave me.
I am patiently waiting for things to happen.

## Post 72 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Tuesday, 13-Dec-2011 11:32:27

Oh dear. Hopefully he just leaves and all of this nonsense will go away. With him out of the picture, you will have a better time of it.

## Post 73 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Tuesday, 13-Dec-2011 13:00:41

Agreed. if he's threatening to leave, just let him leave.

## Post 74 by musicgirl (Veteran Zoner) on Tuesday, 13-Dec-2011 22:22:48

It's not always that simple, though. One would hope that they would follow through with their threats, but unfortunately some abusers will say they want to leave in hope that the victim will beg and pleed if she's gotten dependent enough on him that she finds it hard to leave herself. But hopefully this is a case where the abuser is a jerk who doesn't care either way and doesn't want complete control over her and wouldn't care to leave.

## Post 75 by forereel (Just posting.) on Tuesday, 13-Dec-2011 23:42:33

So the woman never bares any blame? No matter what she does?
I'm glad I have non of these issues. I'd hate to have to appear in judge Sugar Babie's court. Smile.
Yes, hopefully he'll leave and all will be solved on that score anyway.

## Post 76 by rdfreak (THE ONE AND ONLY TRUE-BLUE KANGA-KICKIN AUSIE) on Wednesday, 14-Dec-2011 0:30:33

wow, I can't believe you said this!
As has been said over and over in this thread, there is absolutely no excuse for violence whether it's coming from the guy or the girl; simple; why don't you guys get it still? *sigh*

## Post 77 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Wednesday, 14-Dec-2011 14:12:24

ForReel, clearly you aren't paying very much attention. We said, over and over again, the abuser. At no point did we say, the man. if the woman were the abuser, she would be entirely to blame.

## Post 78 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Wednesday, 14-Dec-2011 22:02:06

Perhaps, but if the abuser were a woman and she would provokeed she would snap if she lacked the self control. This guy obviously lacked self control and I am not saying he was provoked. I think this is just a case of him beeing a jerk however cause and effect.

## Post 79 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Thursday, 15-Dec-2011 2:11:41

If you are the one who lacks the self control, man or woman, you are the problem, and you hold the responsibility for your actions. Whether you need jail time or professional help remains to be decided by the authorities should it be taken to that stage, but your actions, not anyone elses, are the problem. Just to clarify, if both parties are aggressive, then both are responsible for their behavior. But if there is only one abuser, there is only one party to blame here. if neither party has been abusive, then this isn't a case of abuse and, in that case, is a different topic entirely.

## Post 80 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Thursday, 15-Dec-2011 14:55:09

Yes you hold the responsibility. I never said the abuser lacks responsibility for there actions. I was simply pointing out the possible causes. I never said it was an excuse.

## Post 81 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Friday, 16-Dec-2011 1:29:26

Certainly I agree that if the woman was the abuser then she should be punished for that abuse. But generally speaking men wo abuse their women do so over the smallest things. Not having the bed made to the man's satisfaction for instance, or perhaps not having dinner ready when he got home from work. Or maybe he just has violent energy he can't or won't work off in some less destructive way. I wouldn't be surprised if a fair number of abusers didn't know themselves just why they do it. So they come up with the most ridiculous transgressions that their partner supposedly commited. I heard a story not long back about a dad who beat is daughter repeatedly with a belt because she apparently downloaded a song off the internet. And because he was a respected judge in his town he didn't want his children doing anything that would tarnish his image.

## Post 82 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Friday, 16-Dec-2011 4:45:02

the problem with seeking a cause though Margorp is that there's then a dangerous precedent of cause leading to justification. Forreal has already demonstrated on this thread that there are people who are happy to justify abuse. "maybe he was provoked/maybe she pushes his buttons/maybe she could modify her behavior to stop him doing it," are just some of the things that have been said here. As soon as you start suggesting that the victim should somehow be taking the responsibility, you move into justification teratory. The victim is always the victim, and the perpitrator is always to blame for the violence. Even if there are steps the victim could have taken to make that possibility less, they are still not to blame if they ar the victims of violence. Let me give you another analagy:
From town there are two routes home to my house. One route goes round the road, and the other goes through some alleyways. The difference in these routes is that the one that goes through the alleyways is about seven minutes shorter than the one that goes around the roads. Now, during the day if I walk home, I always take the alleyway route. But at night the alleyways are rather dark, whereas the other route is very exposed, goes past houses and roads with traffic and walking home that way you are very visible. So the sensible thing to do is to walk the long way home, which I have done in the past.
Now, let's say one night I am in a hurry and need to get home quickly. The long way home is seven minutes further than the short cut, so I decide to take the short cut and go through the alleyways. But someone sees me going in there, follows me and I am attacked in some way, mugged/raped/asalted. Who do you think is to blame for that? The attacker? or me?
Because you see, even if I know I could have taken the long way home, I wouldn't be in the wrong taking the short cut. The person in the wrong is the person who decides to take advantage of me going down a dark alleyway late at night and attacks me. I may be able to prevent me from being attacked had I not gone that way, but it still doesn't make it my falt or justify the attack in any way.
Brian that judge beating up his daughter had millions and millions of hits on youtube. I agree that most abusers are just sadistic, and many are sociopathic.

## Post 83 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Friday, 16-Dec-2011 9:07:29

he didn't want to tarnish his image, eh? does anyone else see the irony?
But, I digress.

## Post 84 by Marigold (Generic Zoner) on Friday, 16-Dec-2011 11:10:42

I wish if i could be able to leave my country along with my two kids abroad, so that i will lose contact with him. He says you are blind and on top of that i will make you lame.
I have to always stay in tears. My life is misery.
I wish only a rich person could lead me out of this situation. Desperately i am waiting for the opportunity to leave this country.
Oh, god, is there anyone willing to support me to get out of this situation?

## Post 85 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Friday, 16-Dec-2011 11:36:57

Again, I never said that the victem is not the victem or is to blame. I am not making justifications but meerly thinking it through.

## Post 86 by forereel (Just posting.) on Friday, 16-Dec-2011 21:44:43

I like the poster before me am not saying its right, but that maybe steps could be taken to fix it. It rains and there's mud, but if you had grass, see my point? No one wants to see the other side and see why things are maybe happening.
They only with to see the effect, and if that effect is a slap its abuse. Sure some people have issues, but there are the people that have issues due to the problems in the home. Fix the problems the abuse goes away.
The world just isn't black or white all the time.

## Post 87 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Friday, 16-Dec-2011 22:28:56

It certainly seems black and white from the way you're portraying it. Sometimes te victim can't "fix the problem" and the abuse goes away, because there is no problem to be fixed.

## Post 88 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Sunday, 18-Dec-2011 15:39:25

thank you, Bryan. the problem is the abuse. This problem can be fixed by leaving. Even if the abuser admits that he or she has a problem, that's only the first of many steps. they will have to admit to, and subsequently sort through, an array of other issues, such as self-control, anger management, possibly substance abuse, and probably much more. On top of all that, all these issues need to be completely dealt with before there is even a remote chance the abuse will stop. By the time most abusers come to the conclusion that the problem lies with them, and not the victim, it's usually too late. From the sounds of what is going on in this situation, the abuser sees no wrong whatsoever with his actions, and therefore, is most likely beyond the point of return. ForReel, you need to accept that some people are just, for lack of a better phrase, bad people. end of story. Of course, I believe if society took a different approach, *some* of these people, if they have some semblance of a conscience left, could turn their lives around, but that's a different topic, and it doesn't appear to be anywhere in the immediet future.

## Post 89 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Sunday, 18-Dec-2011 21:05:33

Exactly. And for those abusers who do make the effort and as a result manage to turn their lives around I applaud them. But I agree with Ocean Dream in that there doesn't seem to be any logical reason beyond perhaps ridiculous cultural beliefes for is abusing her. The only time I would consider it "right" for a man to raise his hand to a woman or the other way around would be in a serious life or death situation and then only after it was clear that all other avenues had failed. And even then if you had the option of just getting te hell away from the person I'd say do that instead. But if, say the woman doesn't have the bed made just perfect or doesn't have dinner on the table and waiting when he gets home from work or if she doesn't feel like giving him sex that night, hitting her isn't the answer. Whether the abuser feels provoked or not it doesn't make what they do right and they should, whether man or woman, have to answer for it.

## Post 90 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Sunday, 18-Dec-2011 23:00:00

Bad people? Sure there are. However, nobody was born slapping each other around. Obviously something lead up to that. The trick is to stay away from such people if possible.

## Post 91 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Monday, 19-Dec-2011 0:46:35

I believe that's what we've been trying to say all along.

## Post 92 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Monday, 19-Dec-2011 12:03:36

Right, and trust me I am not sticking up for this guy.

## Post 93 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Monday, 19-Dec-2011 14:24:54

Besides, those people don't always show their true colors right away. A guy or a woman could be nice and sweet until they marry their partner, then turn around and start slapping them around anytime they do something they don't like or don't do something they want. And if there are no signs beforehand there's no way to know.

## Post 94 by LeoGuardian (You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?) on Monday, 19-Dec-2011 14:28:33

Typical western-country ideal wars, while the original poster, by her writing, sounds like she's in a developing nation without access to the services needed to make good her escape. Hopefully one of the social service people on here can weigh in on this, provided they know what her options are.

## Post 95 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Tuesday, 20-Dec-2011 14:35:05

It would depend on the country of course.

## Post 96 by forereel (Just posting.) on Wednesday, 21-Dec-2011 23:23:49

I except that fact there are bad people. I don't agree with abuse either. I do notice that the poster has not said much on the abuse issue anymore though.
I just have to see both sides just in case the posters side isn't correct.
I don't justify abuse, but maybe its not abuse at all? As a fair minded person I have to see both sides no matter my personal views. That way a solution can be reached for the best, not an emotional knee jerk.

## Post 97 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Thursday, 22-Dec-2011 12:00:55

Well it definitely sounded like there was at least emotional abuse going on even if not much physical. And emotional abuse can often do even more damage than physical. And I'm sorry, but there's even less justification for emotional abuse. As I said te only time I feel that a man has the right to raise his hand to a woman or vice versa is in self-defense, and it doesn't sound like Marrigold was using her husband for a punching bag and he was just slapping her to get her to stop.

## Post 98 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Thursday, 22-Dec-2011 12:36:40

As I've said before, the only way you could possibly be right, ForReel, is if this whole topic was made up by the poster and none of this was actually happening. Is it possible? anything is possible. is it likely? I doubt it.

## Post 99 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Thursday, 22-Dec-2011 12:49:51

But you don't know for an absolute fact that it is happening. Again, nobody is justifying anythingg.

## Post 100 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Friday, 23-Dec-2011 9:13:54

Nor do we know for a fact that it's NOT happening. And it certainly sounds as though someone's attempting to justify it what with the maybe he's being provoked bit. Even if he was he would still need to be held accountable for his actions since nothing she does deserves that sort of response unless she was throwing the first punch so to speak, and even then responding in kind should only be an absolute last resort.

## Post 101 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Friday, 23-Dec-2011 14:53:26

What I find disgusting about this whole thing is that it's turned into a debate over whether abuse is ever ok. Surely she didn't want to read that when she was asking for help.

## Post 102 by Dave_H (the boringest guy you'll ever know) on Friday, 23-Dec-2011 16:33:34

If I let my husband beat me twice, shame on me!

## Post 103 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Friday, 23-Dec-2011 17:13:28

that really depends on the resources available to the person. if her country doesn't provide much support, it's hard to blame her if she has yet to leave. don't get me wrong, I still think she needs to, and she needs to be seeking help from all possible trusted sources, hence this topic I'm sure, but unless she's staring an opportunity to leave right in the face, and choosing to ignore it, it's difficult to say shame on her.

## Post 104 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Saturday, 24-Dec-2011 0:49:46

I don't know why she would ignore it. And once again, nobody is saying abuse is okay. Well, at least I'm not.

## Post 105 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Saturday, 24-Dec-2011 3:12:27

Maybe not, but I also don't think this was the time or the place to hijack a discussion and turn it into such a heated debate, either.

## Post 106 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Saturday, 24-Dec-2011 23:08:06

O, I'm sure she's not ignoring it. I'm just saying, unless she is, it's difficult to say shame on her for not getting out of the situation sooner.

## Post 107 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Sunday, 25-Dec-2011 1:07:30

Okay so when is the right time? If we started this up on another topic you would still stomp your feet and shout wouldn't you. And I don't see it as hijacking. No it's just a good segway into the discussion.

## Post 108 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Sunday, 25-Dec-2011 19:25:23

She probably can't just up and leave. If, as has been said, she's living in a country where it's considered acceptable and right for a man to raise hands to his wife, then she's not likely to find many people willing to help her out of what they don't consider a dangerous situation. And even in this country I have to say sometimes the sysem has failed even though the laws are supposed to be on the side of the victims.

## Post 109 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Sunday, 25-Dec-2011 20:02:31

Lol, I don't think I was stomping my feet about anything. It's just a discussion, I'm not angry. It's distasteful, yes in my opinion, but I don't think if I was her and I came to this site asking for help, I would want to read a debate about the acceptability of certain actions. If she is in a country where domestic violence is the norm, the last thing she probably wants to hear about is why it's happening. I'm quite sure she already knows that. She came here looking for strength and encouragement, not a big discussion over whether she's right or wrong. That's just my opinion, however and she can obviously speak for herself and prove me wrong.

## Post 110 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Monday, 26-Dec-2011 22:40:50

True but I haven't seen her post in a while so who knows what is happening. Personally, I hope she is alright.

## Post 111 by little foot (Zone BBS is my Life) on Wednesday, 07-Mar-2012 8:06:13

If my husband did that to me I would automadically leave him.
That is not a good thing for a man to do to a woman or for a woman to do that to a man rather.
I would not every want to talk to that person ever again.
I would also change my number to so that the person would not be able to reach me.

## Post 112 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Wednesday, 07-Mar-2012 19:35:59

Here here.

## Post 113 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Wednesday, 07-Mar-2012 22:47:22

Right on!

## Post 114 by jewel389 (Veteran Zoner) on Friday, 02-Nov-2012 4:06:53

i am so sorry for you
what i would do is that i would tell someone else other then posting it hear. maybe a therapist or social worker. They might e able to help

## Post 115 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Friday, 02-Nov-2012 12:44:30

Posting it here may be her only real option though. Oftentimes abusive partners will do everything they can to isolate the ones they abuse from closer friends or family. I can sayy that from firsthand experience having observed exactly such behavior from my sister's hopefully soon-to-be x husband. She was't allowed to really talk to family or other friends beyond small talk. Granted I don't know if he ever got physical wit her (he damn well better not have because I know my dadin particular wanted to nail his hands to a street sign,break both his kneecaps and then gutshoot him), but he was very manipulative and verbally abusive. It also didn't help that he was an alcoholic. In fact it was probably his alcoholism at least in part that caused my sister's own problems with that disease to get as out of control as they eventually did. She's at least headed in the right direction now but only time will tell if she's able to stay on the wagon.

## Post 116 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Friday, 02-Nov-2012 14:39:04

My last relationship was a lot like that. Not physically abusive, thank God, but my ex was very controlling, telling me who I was and wasn't allowed to talk to. Having friends who were guys was out of the question, and after a couple of months he was pressuring me to move in with him, mostly so he would know where I was at all times, even though he still lived with his parents. I wasn't ready to take that step with him, not to mention I think it's kind of trashy to live with one of the partner's parents. It reminds me of something you'd see on Jerry Springer. Luckily I got out of the relationship before things got too out of hand, but I know a lot of people wouldn't. And while I wouldn't necessarily say my ex was an alcoholic, he was definitely heading down that path, as much as he was drinking.

## Post 117 by Runner229 (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Friday, 02-Nov-2012 16:32:26

My stepfather was a severe alcoholic. My mother put up with his physical and verbal abuse for all most 12 years and finally took extreme measures to get out of the situation. Like some people have all ready said on here, there was a possibility that he could have also taken his rage or pointless abuse out on us kids but fortunately he didn't. It was still hard to watch and listen to my mother's pain and agony.
I doubt this would be something that is made up, though it is possible.
Wayme, what would be enough proof for you. Pictures? Vwery detailed descriptions of how the abuse happened and the blood dripping down her face? That is a bit drastic, and if you can't take someone's word about what happened then so be it. There is no excuse or justification that makes physical or verbal abuse ok.

## Post 118 by TechnologyUser2012 (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Friday, 02-Nov-2012 22:52:58

its stories like the ones above that make me glad I'm single...

## Post 119 by Runner229 (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Friday, 02-Nov-2012 23:19:13

I appologize for the typos in my last post.
There is a chance you could end up with someone who is abusive, but would you rather take a chance and end up with someone that is good to you rather then be lonely?

## Post 120 by LeoGuardian (You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?) on Saturday, 03-Nov-2012 12:46:02

I've read that these cowards that go to beating chicks first start off by controlling their access to resources. Meaning, it's a slow moving stealth-based maneuver. So by the time she's been beat, she's already beat, in another form, meaning she's unable to get away by that time.
I just find it hard to believe that "Women keep going back," or what have you that people claim. It's probably got more to do with threats and control, not something to do with her going back. I'm not a psychologist or anything, but it makes sense to me that the guy would control her access to resources first, knowing full well she would otherwise get away.
This is why both sides of the debate are so dreadfully wrong: women don't "just keep going back," they just haven't had a way to get away. And when the feminists claim that all men are potential beaters, they themselves are wrong: most households, the woman controls the finances in the West. The advertising business knows it, and so most advertising is aimed at women. If most men were potential wife beaters, most women would not be controlling the checkbook, and most men would not be checking with their partner before spending a little of the household cash.

## Post 121 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Sunday, 04-Nov-2012 14:04:28

Sometimes people really dolove their abusers and tink they'll change despite all te evidence to the contrary. So they do, in fact, keep going back. Not to say threats aren't involved even in those cases but sometimes it does indeed have much to do with the abusee as the abuser, regardless of whether it's a man or a woman being abused. The problem is that when men are abused by women and they stand up for themselves, even if it's only to block an incoming blow, then he's automatically labeled as the abuser and his statements are more often than not dismissed out of hand even if they're true.

## Post 122 by LeoGuardian (You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?) on Sunday, 04-Nov-2012 15:45:21

Oh that component is definitely true. I saw a documentary where they planted cameras and used actors. They found most people were quite willing to intervene when the scene showed a woman being attacked. But when it was a guy, they did not. And in fact, when pressed, most women declared he must have deserved it, a statement perhaps our grandfathers' generation would have said about the woman who was beat. How is this? So the feminists have basically learned absolutely nothing from their plight, if they are willing to re-apply the same what they recognized to be evil. And, wrong is wrong, no matter who the initiator and who the target is.

## Post 123 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Tuesday, 06-Nov-2012 14:43:01

Well Leo, some women "go back" out of fear.

## Post 124 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Wednesday, 07-Nov-2012 16:15:55

That's true too. That's probably the other top reason aside from the ones who mistakenly believe they can change their abuser's ways. Wat they don't seem to realize is that said abusers are't going to change unless they want to and are willing to work very hard to do so. And not all of them are.

## Post 125 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Wednesday, 07-Nov-2012 16:46:56

If they think they're right for whatever warped reason, they're not going to change. It's especially sad though when the person goes back to the relationship because they fear for their lives, and the abuser kills them anyway.

## Post 126 by margorp (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Thursday, 08-Nov-2012 12:36:38

Oh wow that's horrible!

## Post 127 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Thursday, 08-Nov-2012 22:49:17

It sort of reminds me of that 80's or 90's movie No one would Tell with Fred Savage and Candace Cameron. That movie centered around just such a relationship. He was a football player and she was a cheerleader I believe. But anytime she did something he didn't like e'd hit her and then next minute be apologizing profusely. At first she refused to believe she could be in danger and went on about how he loved her. By the time she finally started to accept the truth it was too late since he'd decided that if he couldn't have her no one would. So he took her down to their favorite spot by the lake, tied a rope around her neck and threw her in. And no one would tell her mom where she'd gone for weeks. Finally the killer himself called the police and told them to look by the lake.

## Post 128 by Runner229 (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Friday, 09-Nov-2012 1:39:27

Yep. Thank God it didn't get that bad with my stepfather, but that thought was always in the back of mind. I was ready for it to happen, and at the same time horrified to say anything.

## Post 129 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Friday, 09-Nov-2012 18:15:07

I remember that movie. Scary stuff.

## Post 130 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Tuesday, 13-Nov-2012 12:14:45

At least the scum got what was coming to him. The sa part is that people are still afraid to come forward even when they suspect someone they care about is being abused. I dated a girl a few years back who was in an abusive relationship and se begged me not to do anything because she was afraid he'd kill her and/or me. FOrtunately she did end up getting out of that relationship (I think after being with her for eighteen years he'd just got to the point where he just didn't really care anymore), and from what I hear she's quite happy now, but that doesn't mean such situations will always or even often turn out like that. So it's still a good idea to tell someone. It could save your life or, if it isn't you, someone you care about.

## Post 131 by Dolce Eleganza (I'll have the last word, thank you!) on Thursday, 21-Mar-2013 5:51:30

I'd feel like a total failior. but if he lays a finger to hit me I can sware he'll remember me for the rest of the seconds of his life

## Post 132 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Thursday, 21-Mar-2013 18:46:27

Wow. That's a bit contradictory, isn't it? How can you feel like a failure and kill him at the same time?

## Post 133 by forereel (Just posting.) on Thursday, 21-Mar-2013 19:29:29

I would love for you to continue on that train of thought? I too would like to know how you'd feel like you failed, but could hurt him at the same time?