# the new company rules [read this! important!]

Category: Joke Board

## Post 1 by season (the invisible soul) on Monday, 26-Sep-2005 0:47:06

Dear Staff,
Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to
raise the efficiency of our company.
TRANSPORTATION
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you drive a 10-year old car or taking
public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings & money
therefore
you do not need a raise. If you drive a Proton, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise too.
ANNUAL LEAVE
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!).
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
LUNCH BREAK
1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.
2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
3) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's MC Cert as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture
will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
SURGERY
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed
constitutes a breach of employment.
INTERNET USAGE
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted
from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will
be
deducted from your salary. (note: RM2.00 per minute) Just for the record,
73% of the staff will not be entitled for any salary for the next 3 months
as
their internet charges has exceeded their 3 months salary).
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed
elsewhere.
Have a nice day.
/---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confidential and/ or privileged information may be contained in this
e-mail and any attachments transmitted with it ('Message'). If you are
not the addressee indicated in this Message (or responsible for
delivery of this Message to such person),you are hereby notified that
any dissemination, distribution, printing or copying of this Message or
any part thereof is prohibited. Please delete this Message if received
in error and advise the sender by return e-mail. Opinions, conclusions
and other information in this Message that do not relate to the
official business of this company shall be understood as neither given
nor endorsed by this company.