# I can always adopt!

Category: Let's talk

## Post 1 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Monday, 07-Nov-2005 9:26:41

Over the years I have had many conversations with people who either can’t have children or don’t know whether they can, and in so many instances they have either said, or someone has said to them, “you can always adop”. This has always struck me as being considered to be the quick fix and/or easy solution to childlessness. So what do you all think on the issue. If you couldn’t have a child, could you really adopt one? And when you think of adopting a child, do you think of it as adopting a baby? Or would you be prepared for the fact that most children available for adoption are over the age of 2 and usually have severe emotional problems due to the various traumas they have suffered in their lives. And as a disabled person, would you be prepared for the fact you would most likely be told you wouldn’t be able to adopt because of your disability?
I think so often people think of the various unloved children in the world and think “oh, if I can’t have a child of my own, I will just adopt one of them”, but so often I think people don’t think past the initial “giving a child the love he/she needs” and don’t realize what they’re letting themselves in for. Any thoughts?

## Post 2 by Inesle1987 (Account disabled) on Monday, 07-Nov-2005 10:37:29

Well there are advantages and disadvantages to that topic. The disadvantage, of course, is that maybe someday the child wil lrealize that you are not its real mum/dad and then it will as kyou all the time who the real parents are. But of course if you really want children and can't get any - why not. It's just a bit more bureaucracy than getting a child the "normal" way. You also can help parentless children and this is a plus for them if the new parents treat them well.

## Post 3 by Goblin (I have proven to myself and the world that I need mental help) on Monday, 07-Nov-2005 11:25:57

except disabled people are not allowed to adopt so this topic is null and void.

## Post 4 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Monday, 07-Nov-2005 11:39:21

funny goblin how in ahafan's post you say he should consider adoption and then you go on in another to say this topic is irelevant because disabled people are unable to adopt, you really should sort out what you do believe - or is it goblin's other personality writing today *grins*.
Back to the topic in hand .. ines you do have a point although most people that I know who are adopted were told by their parents when they were young, and although some do go on and find their biological parents, they invariably maintain the stance that the parents who brought them up are in fact their parents.

## Post 5 by Goblin (I have proven to myself and the world that I need mental help) on Monday, 07-Nov-2005 12:24:10

Oh will it ever end will she ever grow up

## Post 6 by The Roman Battle Mask (Making great use of my Employer's time.) on Monday, 07-Nov-2005 13:10:57

Just look at it this way, only people with a prison record in my extended family are adopted, and I don't think it's the parrents fault, you just don't know if your getting a kid with multiple mental and or emotional issues either do to genetics or abuse.

## Post 7 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Monday, 07-Nov-2005 13:37:37

I think bg makes a valid point. It is not uncommon for children who have grown up in fostercare or who have been adopted to end up going off the rails and committing crimes or having serious emotional problems at some point in their lives. All too often people who adopt children do so with the best intentions, but so often they are under the misguided notion that these children will be grateful for a permanent home, but often the scars of the past are just too deep to heal and it is the well-intentioned parent who ends up with the tearaway child from hell, through no fault of their own.

## Post 8 by wildebrew (We promised the world we'd tame it, what were we hoping for?) on Monday, 07-Nov-2005 14:42:59

Well, so, if crime rate is found to be higher amongst black kids or poor kids or left handed kids, does that mean that people with those "conditions" should not have kids then?
I understand what could make an adopted kid more likely to commit crimes later on in life but the same can be said for poor families, the kids have to work, skip school, have little supervision and eventually get into trouble. And if someone can give an unfortunate kid a chance and is willing to realize that it may not always go right I think there's nothing bad to be said about that.
A big factor that contributes to the adopted kids crime rate, for instance, is that the kids are often adopted from across the world so the language, culture, race, ethnicity of the child is essentially different and if the child is 2+ years old that ha already left some inprint on that child and hence adjusting to a different community will be all the more difficult. Of course adopting a child is a pain, you have to wait for years sometimes and you only get children at a short notice, it is expensive and you may not be eligible but if that is what people want, and it is something they can afford it's a beautiful undertaking, if you know you tried your best and the child turned out a failure that is hard to deal with and not very pleasent but it's still better than knowing you could've raised a child well, you could've tried it but you just decided that it wasn't worth bothering with it and were overcome by the risks associated with the adoption.
It's really a very individual decission and you need a balanced view of exactly how to handle those things. I know of a few examples of adopted kids that did excellently and went on to college and universities and ended up amazingly smart and gifted, we even have examples of kids like that on the Zone and without adopting parents they'd never have had a chance.

## Post 9 by lights_rage (I just keep on posting!) on Tuesday, 08-Nov-2005 11:44:29

adoption is a great thing and btw disabled people are allowed to adopt in the united states anyway. I know of a blind couple who did adopt and did quite well and so did the children. I plan to adopt at least one or two kids not necessarly from other countries but from here and older kids because I think that a home tha loves and supports is the best home..

## Post 10 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Tuesday, 08-Nov-2005 11:48:04

no I wasn't saying it was a bad thing, I just think that some go into it blindly so to speak, almost as if it's a definite option for if you can't have children of your own. I know of a couple who have adopted three children, they are siblings hence why they were adopted together, and they are having major problems with them. the eldest child is 9 and he looked after his mother who was a drug addict until he was 4. he has severe behavioral problems and it is thought he will never overcome them, even though he is now in a stable family environment.
I can't speak for the US of course, but in this country disabled people aren't allowed to adopt.

## Post 11 by Witchcraft (Account disabled) on Tuesday, 08-Nov-2005 13:43:50

In the US they most definitely are. I knew a couple in highschool that were blind and adopted a two year old child. They were coping at that time very well, but it is hard telling how things are going now as that was years ago. Nextly, there is two things that stop me and my husband from adopting at the current moment. One of them will be fixed in time; if I have my say, and the other will be a major consideration until we make our final decission. The first is that it costs approximately $18,000 to adopt a child; no matter from the US or over seas, and I just don't have access to $18,000 at the current moment, any one got it to donate? Secondly, adoption in the US can be a very emotional termoil. Say you do get a baby that its mother has given up for what ever reason...Maybe cause she's a teenage girl who simply can't see herself able to raise a baby. In most states that mother has a time in which she can return and claim her child. This time varies depending on the state, but can you imagine having a baby for 6 months and then one morning you get a call that says basically; I know you've grown to love that baby, you've given it so much, but now its mother wants it back so we'll be by in an hour or so to get him/her...I don't know if either my husband or I can face that emotional pain. Nextly, I've had those words, "you can always adopt", said to me many times to to our present difficulty at getting pregnant, and I'll say this, if I hear them again I'm going to scream. They are heartless when a couple is trying so hard to conceive, and while I know those who say them mean well it hurts. I'd love an adopted child the same as my own, but to know I can not conceive is a heart ache, and thus I will not adopt until we've tried the one thing we've been told should work and have adjusted to the knowledge we will never conceive. Nextly, the words, "God has his reasons", is just as painful. I know this is off the topic, but here it goes. One, to say that to a stranger when you don't know their religious beliefs is tactless in my opinion, and I always have to wonder, what could his reasons be in your mind? Anyways, back to the topic. Even if my husband and I can conceive when we are financially able to outlay $18,000 we will probably also adopt, as I personally want to help any child it is within my power to help. Children are our future, and while there may be problems; I'll certainly give it my best, hope for the best, and, expect the worst, and maybe in this way we can raise a child who comes out somewhere in the middle.

## Post 12 by PorkInCider (Wind assisted.) on Tuesday, 08-Nov-2005 14:05:06

I wasn't aware that there was a rule or law in the UK stating that disabled people can't adopt, but if this is the case, surely it's a breach of our human rights. It is something that surely at some point will be taken to the European court, and overturned. I sincerely hope so in any case.

## Post 13 by Luce (Zone BBS Addict) on Tuesday, 08-Nov-2005 14:50:41

I agree with Blackbird. That law is something which needs overturning! And as for adoption being one of those things where the kids turn out right little so and sos anyway and beyond help, I disagree. The key is placing the right child with the right family. I'm not saying that it's always going to be a success story, but you can turn the most badly behaved, horrible little kid into a well behaved model of society. My mum and dad took in my step-cousin when he was 8. And he was a right little bastard. He was diagnosed with ADHD and was on like 5 ritalin a day. He had behaviour problems, social services wanted nothing to do with him, even foster families were handing him back to social services left right and centre. So my Mum and Dad took him in. And I'm not saying it wasn't hard to start with. He was being violent, and getting suspended from school and all sorts. Anyway, my mum pushed social services to let him have psychotherapy, and he has that twice a week. Now he's 11 and is a completely different child. With some stability and a loving family environment, he's now on no ritalin, and been discharged from the ADHD clinic. He's getting on briliantly at school and all the violent behaviour has stopped. I'm not saying there aren't still problems from time to time. But any improvement is better than as he was. And I do firmly believe that can be true for other children in a similar situation. I do think though, of children of a fragile age, in order to have the best success for them, their needs need to be closely matched to the right family. But adoption is a wonderful thing, and any opportunity to give children a chance is an amazing gift. And people who adopt are truly special individuals.

## Post 14 by sugarbaby (The voice of reason) on Wednesday, 09-Nov-2005 10:11:57

I’m not sure if there is an actual law, but by default, disabled people are not allowed to adopt. It’s a very difficult one to call, because while someone who is blind for instance has no problems with having and raising children without assistance, someone who is for instance, in a wheelchair, would need help with a child, especially in the earlier years of that child’s life. And social services, when placing a child with a family need to assess all the aspects of the family life, and, in reality, it is not practical for social services to place a child with a family where that family will need support from social services, the child needs to go to a family that is independent, bearing in mind children who are put up for adoption invariably are already suffering from emotional problems. Don’t get me wrong, I by no means think that disabled people shouldn’t be allowed to adopt, but I can see why people with certain disabilities would be turned down for adoption, just as people with certain lifestyles might be turned down. I know that in this country, people who are seriously overweight, or who smoke, invariably are not approved to adopt, reality is that each case should be judged individually on its own merits.