# I need advice

Category: Dating and Relationships

## Post 1 by BellatrixLestrange (I'm here to give everyone a hard time lol!) on Friday, 19-Jun-2015 13:00:37

I'm not sure where this topic really fits but here's my question.
My boyfriend wants to go to college and have two jobs and for those who are following my post in the parenting board, yall know that I have a son. My question is, how do couples balance all that and still make time for each other? As I see it, my boyfriend will most likely hardly be home and when he would be home, he'll be tired all the time. I understand he's trying to make money for us to get someone to help with babysitting and every day housework and that he's trying to think of the future, but I would also like us to have time for each other. I just don't know how people do it. I'm a stay at home mom right now, but he wants me to look for work as do I so that we can get a better place next year when our lease is up because we are going to need more space for Marshall as he gets more obile since we're currently living in a 1 bedroom apt. If I look for work also, that still doesn't fix the problem of my bf and I needing a little time with each other.

## Post 2 by LeoGuardian (You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?) on Friday, 19-Jun-2015 13:09:44

Welcome to parenting in the real world. Adjust your expectations, you guys will be all right. If he wasn't thinking of your future you'd call him a loser and a derelict father. Piling up the rocks takes a lot of time and energy. It's not negligence. He'll find a way to pull second shift, as we guys call it, when he gets home and help with the baby. We all did as dads.
A man cannot expect a woman to have a perfect body, and a woman can't expect a man to be all-provider and super hero dad and super sensitive drop-everything husband all at once. Tbhere's just not enough time in the day.
Text each other, use the time when you're getting up in the morning and when you're going to bed at night. This is reality, not your sit-coms. As a dad there's absolutely no way to get it right, he's just gonna do the best he can for you guys.
And to my comments every hipster shall squeal and stamp their little feetsies. But there's a huge difference between theory and practice. No self-respecting decent man expects the woman to have dinner ready or something, when he gets home. Nice when it happens, but very understandable when it usually doesn't. And you would rightly call a guy a jerk who had said expectations. Well, what's good for the gander is good for the goose.

## Post 3 by ADVOCATOR! (Finally getting on board!) on Friday, 19-Jun-2015 13:50:11

What Leo said. And, one moore thing, see if you can do something online, like selling Avon. I know that sounds dorky, but really it will get that little extra bucks.
I may sell Avon, for different reasons. I'm struggling to make the ends meet. In my thoughts, he's got to do this, so you can make things better for you. My reality is making my hopes and dreams change a bit. I still have them. But, I have to do my best to accept things the way they are. And, most guys see the future, get scared, say: "I can't do and be what you need from me." and run like hell's chasing them. That's what happened to me. And, I don't have any kids. I'm glad there's still good men out there! Smile!
Blessings,
Aunt Hot Wheels

## Post 4 by Liquid tension experiment (move over school!) on Friday, 19-Jun-2015 15:05:52

I am not quitoe a parent yet, but my girlfriend and I are thinking about it. When my pay goes up, Ashley and I talked about her being a stay at home mom. She would stay home to take care of the baby during the day and keep up with the house work while I worked. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but because she is handling the day to day stuff while I will be working, we will have time in the afternoons to spend with one another.

## Post 5 by forereel (Just posting.) on Friday, 19-Jun-2015 15:12:23

Working two jobs, and going to school has to have a reason, or it is worthless in the end.
I know that sounds funny, but if you struggle, and end up with absolutely nothing to sho for that struggle, accept no relationship, profit, home, or whatever, it is worthless.
Ask yourself, why.
Next, see where your expenses are going, and why, because maybe you've got waste.
If you can help, that is better then him struggling alone, because it gets old.
It seems nobel, and some people actually enjoy it, but again, why?
Example, we would like a house. We need X dollars.
Now you have a boal, not a struggle.
That goal is for a short time, 6 months, not your life.
You'll find the time, but maybe you can find a better way so both of you can not only have time for each other, but time to live.

## Post 6 by AgateRain (Believe it or not, everything on me and about me is real!) on Friday, 19-Jun-2015 19:51:12

It's as simple as...not going to work, sorry. Try what others said as far as the texting thing, but let's be realistic, where will their be time for all of that?

## Post 7 by Damia (I'm oppinionated deal with it.) on Friday, 19-Jun-2015 20:03:11

it would almost be worth you and him sitting down and talking about what it benefits you
will be getting from the jobs and school. If he's working two part-time jobs there's no way
that in that place he's going to be getting benefits including health insurance for you and
the baby. But he will make your maximum amount to Max you out of any Medicaid or
social services type program. it would almost be worth you and him sitting down and
talking about what it benefits you will be getting from the jobs and school. If he's working
two part-time jobs there's no way that in that place he's going to be getting benefits
including health insurance for you and the baby. But he will make your maximum amount
to Max you out of any Medicaid or social services type program.
if he goes to school full-time he may qualify to put your son in daycare there. It might be
worth him going to school full-time while you work full-time, or him getting a full-time job
and going to school part time while you take care of the baby remember when you get
into daycare costs that's going to pick up a big chunk of pay especially from a low-paying
job

## Post 8 by Perestroika (Her Swissness) on Saturday, 20-Jun-2015 6:58:02

My husband and I have a deal.
that is that every 2 months, we have an evening to ourselves, now that we have a little baby girl who is going to take up a lot of our time. if that means we save up for a sitter, ask his older daughter to babysit or his mum, it doesn't matter, we just get her off our hands for a few hours so we can go out to dinner, snuggle up and watch the tv without fear of having to get up to change a nappy or feed a crying little one, go for a long romantic walk together or just generally keep the spark alive in some other way.
And we are going to stick to this.

## Post 9 by Darth Vader (Luke, I am your father.) on Saturday, 20-Jun-2015 11:04:57

I agree with these posts. Sit down, talk with the guy, see what can be done
about it. help him if you can. but for god's sake, do what you can to take care of
the little one as well. Don't be an idiot and expect yourself to get things right on
the first go. Talk to other parrents. maybe they can give you some help and
advice. I'm not a parrent myself, but it's what I'd do if I were in your place.

## Post 10 by forereel (Just posting.) on Saturday, 20-Jun-2015 12:29:01

I agree with Damia.
It is important to see what your money sources are, medical and such.
This will sound bad, but I don't mean it in that way.
A person who will be devoting a life to 2 jobs, and school, needs to be a single person, not have a family.
Most people when trying to build a future remain single, or at least childless until they have things going.
Once you add others to your life, you have to put some time in to that.
It is as important as your future.
If you have a beautiful wife, a fine home, lovely kids, and lots of money, but you never enjoy any of it, what is the purpose?
I understand we need funds, but when we are starting, maybe we say, I'm going to live poorly and go to college, so that later, I can support my family without killing myself.
This again is a short goal, not a life time.
You work hard in college, and you get enternships and other things, so you can work later.
That doesn't apply to the totally blind, that's a bit different, but a sighted person in good health will benefit.
A couple needs to be helpful to each other, so you also must seek out whatever it requires to make it easier.
Benefits, free food, part time work, ways to save money, if you are not working.
You give up some of the wants for a short time, so you can have time to live.
Just my thoughts.

## Post 11 by AgateRain (Believe it or not, everything on me and about me is real!) on Saturday, 20-Jun-2015 16:29:35

Just what I needed to say Wayne. lol
Wasn't trying to be harsh, but when you really think about it......

## Post 12 by write away (The Zone's Blunt Object) on Sunday, 21-Jun-2015 0:30:49

The Boards — I need advice — Zone BBS
The Zone BBS
Interested in what pictures really look like?
15
Trouble911
JH_Radio
Hthfull kthften
Martian Lady [publics off]
kcirehs
cjohnmurph
phoenix of honor
Poetry In Motion
bryguy2 [publics off]
Raskolnikov
happyman
kaskalora [publics off]
Hot Wheels
write away
1 invisible
26 new mail
Quicknotes
JH_Radio:
I dig juce, milk at times and soup too. though I don't thi drink those every day either.
happyman:
lol, she does not drink milk.
JH_Radio:
nope. so that's out.
All Users
bryguy2 [publics off]
cjohnmurph (Killing time)
happyman (Love is the desire to be desired, by the person you desire.)
Hthfull kthften (why do I have to hold myself together?)
Hot Wheels (I wondered why the frizbee looked so big. Then, it hit me.)
JH_Radio (June 18th-20th was so awesome, that we're doin it again!)
kaskalora (Anybody feeling that their independence is in danger? Fight for it! It's well worth the fight!) [publics off]
kcirehs
Martian Lady [publics off]
phoenix of honor (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLbzBhGFhA4)
Poetry In Motion (Life is about the memories you make, the friends you have, and the wonderful chances you take! conggwere
Raskolnikov (peregrinus taciturnus)
Trouble911 (June 18th-20th = awsome!)
write away (the most beautiful emotion is one of calm. Exileration is too busy, despondence is too sad. But calm acceptance is just were
write away (the most beautiful emotion is one of calm. Exileration is too busy, despondence is too sad. But calm acceptance is just were
Send
Status: All QN's, /his for help
The Boards — I need advice
You are here:
The Boards:
Dating and Relationships
Jump to:
Topics with new posts
Latest Topics
Most popular Current topics
Most posted to topics
Unanswered topics
Main Category
to announcements
to CL Candidates
accessible Devices
Accessible Games
Animal House
Archived Boards and Old Topics
book Nook
Broadcaster's Lounge
Cell Phone Talk
Cinema 31
Crafts and Hobbies
Cram Session
Daily Living
Dating and Relationships
Elder Folk
Game Parlor
Garage Sale
Geeks r Us
Getting to Know You
Grub Garage
Health and Wellness
Hear No Evil — See No Evil
Jam Session
Jobs and Employment
Joke Board
Language and Culture
Let's talk
LGBT Discussion
News and Views
Parent Talk
philosophy/religion topics
Safe Haven
Singles Spit Swap
Social Networking
Sports Bar
Teen Topics
the Rant Board
The Rave Board
Travel and Tourism
Tune Trivia
Writers Block
Zone BBS Icon 2006
Zone BBS In Person
Zone BBS Q&A
Zone BBS Suggestions and Feedback
go
Search topic titles only
Search boards
Topic: I need advice
77 Views, 0 subscribers
You have not read any posts in this topic.
Subscribe to this topic
Unread Posts
Trisha Takownawa
the Zone BBS remains forever my home page
156 posts
yesterday 13:00:37
I'm not sure where this topic really fits but here's my question.
My boyfriend wants to go to college and have two jobs and for those who are following my post in the parenting board, yall know that I have a son. My question is, how do couples balance all that and still make time for each other? As I see it, my boyfriend will most likely hardly be home and when he would be home, he'll be tired all the time. I understand he's trying to make money for us to get someone to help with babysitting and every day housework and that he's trying to think of the future, but I would also like us to have time for each other. I just don't know how people do it. I'm a stay at home mom right now, but he wants me to look for work as do I so that we can get a better place next year when our lease is up because we are going to need more space for Marshall as he gets more obile since we're currently living in a 1 bedroom apt. If I look for work also, that still doesn't fix the problem of my bf and I needing a little time with each other.
Post 2 of 11
LeoGuardian
I have proven to myself and the world that I need mental help
6412 posts
yesterday 13:09:44
Welcome to parenting in the real world. Adjust your expectations, you guys will be all right. If he wasn't thinking of your future you'd call him a loser and a derelict father. Piling up the rocks takes a lot of time and energy. It's not negligence. He'll find a way to pull second shift, as we guys call it, when he gets home and help with the baby. We all did as dads.
A man cannot expect a woman to have a perfect body, and a woman can't expect a man to be all-provider and super hero dad and super sensitive drop-everything husband all at once. Tbhere's just not enough time in the day.
Text each other, use the time when you're getting up in the morning and when you're going to bed at night. This is reality, not your sit-coms. As a dad there's absolutely no way to get it right, he's just gonna do the best he can for you guys.
And to my comments every hipster shall squeal and stamp their little feetsies. But there's a huge difference between theory and practice. No self-respecting decent man expects the woman to have dinner ready or something, when he gets home. Nice when it happens, but very understandable when it usually doesn't. And you would rightly call a guy a jerk who had said expectations. Well, what's good for the gander is good for the goose.
Post 3 of 11
Hot Wheels
Finally getting on board!
210 posts
yesterday 13:50:11
What Leo said. And, one moore thing, see if you can do something online, like selling Avon. I know that sounds dorky, but really it will get that little extra bucks.
I may sell Avon, for different reasons. I'm struggling to make the ends meet. In my thoughts, he's got to do this, so you can make things better for you. My reality is making my hopes and dreams change a bit. I still have them. But, I have to do my best to accept things the way they are. And, most guys see the future, get scared, say: "I can't do and be what you need from me." and run like hell's chasing them. That's what happened to me. And, I don't have any kids. I'm glad there's still good men out there! Smile!
Blessings,
Aunt Hot Wheels
Post 4 of 11
Liquid tension experiment
Generic Zoner
48 posts
yesterday 15:05:52
I am not quitoe a parent yet, but my girlfriend and I are thinking about it. When my pay goes up, Ashley and I talked about her being a stay at home mom. She would stay home to take care of the baby during the day and keep up with the house work while I worked. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but because she is handling the day to day stuff while I will be working, we will have time in the afternoons to spend with one another.
Post 5 of 11
forereel
I have proven to myself and the world that I need mental help
6960 posts
yesterday 15:12:23
Working two jobs, and going to school has to have a reason, or it is worthless in the end.
I know that sounds funny, but if you struggle, and end up with absolutely nothing to sho for that struggle, accept no relationship, profit, home, or whatever, it is worthless.
Ask yourself, why.
Next, see where your expenses are going, and why, because maybe you've got waste.
If you can help, that is better then him struggling alone, because it gets old.
It seems nobel, and some people actually enjoy it, but again, why?
Example, we would like a house. We need X dollars.
Now you have a boal, not a struggle.
That goal is for a short time, 6 months, not your life.
You'll find the time, but maybe you can find a better way so both of you can not only have time for each other, but time to live.
Post 6 of 11
AggotRain
This site is so "educational"
403 posts
yesterday 19:51:12
It's as simple z'''n going to work, sorry. Try what others said as far as the texting thing, but let's be realistic, where will their be time for all of that?
Post 7 of 11
Damia
I'll have the last word, thank you!
824 posts
yesterday 20:03:11
it would almost be worth you and him sitting down and talking about what it benefits you
will be getting from the jobs and school. If he's working two part-time jobs there's no way
that in that place he's going to be getting benefits including health insurance for you and
the baby. But he will make your maximum amount to Max you out of any Medicaid or
social services type program. it would almost be worth you and him sitting down and
talking about what it benefits you will be getting from the jobs and school. If he's working
two part-time jobs there's no way that in that place he's going to be getting benefits
including health insurance for you and the baby. But he will make your maximum amount
to Max you out of any Medicaid or social services type program.
if he goes to school full-time he may qualify to put your son in daycare there. It might be
worth him going to school full-time while you work full-time, or him getting a full-time job
and going to school part time while you take care of the baby remember when you get
into daycare costs that's going to pick up a big chunk of pay especially from a low-paying
job
Post 8 of 11
Perestroika
I'm going for the prolific poster awards!
1342 posts
today 6:58:02
My husband and I have a deal.
that is that every 2 months, we have an evening to ourselves, now that we have a little baby girl who is going to take up a lot of our time. if that means we save up for a sitter, ask his older daughter to babysit or his mum, it doesn't matter, we just get her off our hands for a few hours so we can go out to dinner, snuggle up and watch the tv without fear of having to get up to change a nappy or feed a crying little one, go for a long romantic walk together or just generally keep the spark alive in some other way.
And we are going to stick to this.
Post 9 of 11
Darth Vader
Luke, I am your father.
160 posts
today 11:04:57
I agree with these posts. Sit down, talk with the guy, see what can be done
about it. help him if you can. but for god's sake, do what you can to take care of
the little one as well. Don't be an idiot and expect yourself to get things right on
the first go. Talk to other parrents. maybe they can give you some help and
advice. I'm not a parrent myself, but it's what I'd do if I were in your place.
Post 10 of 11
forereel
I have proven to myself and the world that I need mental help
6960 posts
today 12:29:01
I agree with Damia.
It is important to see what your money sources are, medical and such.
This will sound bad, but I don't mean it in that way.
A person who will be devoting a life to 2 jobs, and school, needs to be a single person, not have a family.
Most people when trying to build a future remain single, or at least childless until they have things going.
Once you add others to your life, you have to put some time in to that.
It is as important as your future.
If you have a beautiful wife, a fine home, lovely kids, and lots of money, but you never enjoy any of it, what is the purpose?
I understand we need funds, but when we are starting, maybe we say, I'm going to live poorly and go to college, so that later, I can support my family without killing myself.
This again is a short goal, not a life time.
You work hard in college, and you get enternships and other things, so you can work later.
That doesn't apply to the totally blind, that's a bit different, but a sighted person in good health will benefit.
A couple needs to be helpful to each other, so you also must seek out whatever it requires to make it easier.
Benefits, free food, part time work, ways to save money, if you are not working.
You give up some of the wants for a short time, so you can have time to live.
Just my thoughts.
Post 11 of 11
AggotRain
This site is so "educational"
403 posts
today 16:29:35
Just what I needed to say Wayne. lol
Wasn't trying to be harsh, but when you really think about x......
Viewing page 1 of 1.
Post a reply
Type your reply below. 8000 characters max.
No see, I disagree with wayne and others who are likeminded on some points. When a family is dirt poor and they have a little one, it's time to pick themselves up by their bootstraps and do what they have to in order to provide. If you are living in a one bedroom apartment, you won't find any measure of comfort in that for the three of you as your son grows. Believe me; my partner and I know what it's like to live in a less than ideal apartment with a kid. It's miserable. Wayne's right, you need to have goals. But it seems you already sort of have them. You need to move somewhere more suitable for your son. You need a place with a yard, for instance, so that your son can grow and live a nice, healthy lifestyle with the ability to go outside in the safety of your own yard at least once a day. That's important, you'll see as he grows. No. Single people can be busy and they can choose to aspire to a lot when they wish and how they wish, but if you're just barely getting by, it's not pretty but it's true, you have to sacrifice. You have to work twice as hard in some cases than you would if you were single. You made that baby, so now it's your responsibility to provide for him, and so if that means that you have to get a job and your man needs one or two, well, so be it. As long as it makes sense and you have reasons for it, and you have goals to work toward. That much I'll agree on with wayne. Maybe it's unrealistic for him to get two jobs and also go to school, but maybe you can get a job that's fulltime and he can go to school. Would that be difficult? Hell yeah, but guess what? That's what you do as parents to get by in the real world sometimes. Benefits are nice to count on when you need them, but benefits can keep you from attaining your goals too. If you count on how much you get from benefits and you mean for that to be a mainstay of your income, you'll never really have the opportunity to transition to a home where your family can prosper, where your son might be more comfortable. Consider benefits as you're transitioning, sure, but make sure that you can rid yourself of the need for benefits at some point, because benefits provided by the government are designed such that you're always sacrificing. You need to have the bare minimum for benefits. It's a catch 22 in most cases. But anyway, yeah, goals are your friend. I love what perestroika said about keeping goals to be just one on one with each other. Sometimes, when you're this busy being parents and providing for your family, as unromantic as it is, it helps to sort of keep appointments with each other. Clear your schedule to be with each other one on one once a month, once every two months, because that's what keeps you going as a couple. Keep it realistic, but also be consistent. Being spontaneous whenever possible is also great. Sometimes when you work hard, you fall into ruts as a couple, as parents, and these ruts are hard to get out of. So whenever you think of it, write him a note, stick it in his workbag so he might see it once he's out of the house, for instance. It's a pleasant surprise. Text when you can while at work. A simple "thinking about you" keeps things going, even. Just the little things. That's what'll keep you on track, along with setting some time to each other. You might not be able to do it on a daily basis. In your situation, it's probably unrealistic to expect that. I mean, if a man has a kid and he feels he needs to do what he needs to do to provide for him, it's frivolous and silly to try to stop him because you're worried he might never be home. As long as you have goals and you know that crazy schedule is not forever, you buckle down and you do what you gotta do. Because that's what makes you good parents. Many people have a stable income, an education, a stable partnership before they have kids, and that's ideal. But you know what? It's not the case much of the time, and in most cases like your own, you need to do what you need to do to make ends meet for a while. I was in your situation once. Not exactly, but similar. My son is three now, and guess what? We're finally at that point now where we're house hunting. We're just about to close on a beautiful house, but we had to work our butts off to get there. And now we can enjoy what benefits we're reaping, all whilst still working hard. It's definitely hard to find that balance between family and work; many people have that trouble. You just have to be conscious to both. Planning ahead while being spontaneous when you can is always going to make things easier. meanwhile, go and get a job to help your man out a bit, whereever you can, and be proud of him for wanting to do right by you, your son, and himself. Sit down, make some goals, talk about what's realistic, and then act on it. That's all you can really do.
8000 characters remaining
Allowed HTML tags: a, b, blockquote, br, dl, dd, dt, hr, i, li, ol, p, tt, u, ul
Preview before posting
Post Reply
Report problem with post #
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
Report Problem
Share this Page
Twitter
Facebook
To directly link to this page, use:
http://www.zonebbs.com/boards.php?t=29785
Copyright 2003-2015 A T Guys, LLC. The Zone BBS is made possible with help from the
Website Team
and our
sponsors.
If you have any suggestions or find a bug, let us know.
Please review our Terms of Service from time to time
and our
privacy policy.

## Post 13 by write away (The Zone's Blunt Object) on Sunday, 21-Jun-2015 0:50:34

wow, the zone just went nuts on me. lol. Totally just disregard that last post. lol. Here's what I meant to say: No see, I disagree with wayne and others who are likeminded on some points. When a family is dirt poor and they have a little one, it's time to pick themselves up by their bootstraps and do what they have to in order to provide. If you are living in a one bedroom apartment, you won't find any measure of comfort in that for the three of you as your son grows. Believe me; my partner and I know what it's like to live in a less than ideal apartment with a kid. It's miserable. Wayne's right, you need to have goals. But it seems you already sort of have them. You need to move somewhere more suitable for your son. You need a place with a yard, for instance, so that your son can grow and live a nice, healthy lifestyle with the ability to go outside in the safety of your own yard at least once a day. That's important, you'll see as he grows. No. Single people can be busy and they can choose to aspire to a lot when they wish and how they wish, but if you're just barely getting by, it's not pretty but it's true, you have to sacrifice. You have to work twice as hard in some cases than you would if you were single. You made that baby, so now it's your responsibility to provide for him, and so if that means that you have to get a job and your man needs one or two, well, so be it. As long as it makes sense and you have reasons for it, and you have goals to work toward. That much I'll agree on with wayne. Maybe it's unrealistic for him to get two jobs and also go to school, but maybe you can get a job that's fulltime and he can go to school. Would that be difficult? Hell yeah, but guess what? That's what you do as parents to get by in the real world sometimes. Benefits are nice to count on when you need them, but benefits can keep you from attaining your goals too. If you count on how much you get from benefits and you mean for that to be a mainstay of your income, you'll never really have the opportunity to transition to a home where your family can prosper, where your son might be more comfortable. Consider benefits as you're transitioning, sure, but make sure that you can rid yourself of the need for benefits at some point, because benefits provided by the government are designed such that you're always sacrificing. You need to have the bare minimum for benefits. It's a catch 22 in most cases. But anyway, yeah, goals are your friend. I love what perestroika said about keeping goals to be just one on one with each other. Sometimes, when you're this busy being parents and providing for your family, as unromantic as it is, it helps to sort of keep appointments with each other. Clear your schedule to be with each other one on one once a month, once every two months, because that's what keeps you going as a couple. Keep it realistic, but also be consistent. Being spontaneous whenever possible is also great. Sometimes when you work hard, you fall into ruts as a couple, as parents, and these ruts are hard to get out of. So whenever you think of it, write him a note, stick it in his workbag so he might see it once he's out of the house, for instance. It's a pleasant surprise. Text when you can while at work. A simple "thinking about you" keeps things going, even. Just the little things. That's what'll keep you on track, along with setting some time to each other. You might not be able to do it on a daily basis. In your situation, it's probably unrealistic to expect that. I mean, if a man has a kid and he feels he needs to do what he needs to do to provide for him, it's frivolous and silly to try to stop him because you're worried he might never be home. As long as you have goals and you know that crazy schedule is not forever, you buckle down and you do what you gotta do. Because that's what makes you good parents. Many people have a stable income, an education, a stable partnership before they have kids, and that's ideal. But you know what? It's not the case much of the time, and in most cases like your own, you need to do what you need to do to make ends meet for a while. I was in your situation once. Not exactly, but similar. My son is three now, and guess what? We're finally at that point now where we're house hunting. We're just about to close on a beautiful house, but we had to work our butts off to get there. And now we can enjoy what benefits we're reaping, all whilst still working hard. It's definitely hard to find that balance between family and work; many people have that trouble. You just have to be conscious to both. Planning ahead while being spontaneous when you can is always going to make things easier. meanwhile, go and get a job to help your man out a bit, whereever you can, and be proud of him for wanting to do right by you, your son, and himself. Sit down, make some goals, talk about what's realistic, and then act on it. That's all you can really

## Post 14 by AgateRain (Believe it or not, everything on me and about me is real!) on Sunday, 21-Jun-2015 4:01:59

lmao! To the crazy post.

## Post 15 by BellatrixLestrange (I'm here to give everyone a hard time lol!) on Sunday, 21-Jun-2015 6:02:41

Some of my friends have said that my bf should've had the money issue figured out before a baby was brought into the picture. How much is that really true?

## Post 16 by BellatrixLestrange (I'm here to give everyone a hard time lol!) on Sunday, 21-Jun-2015 6:05:24

Btw, rofmlao to post 12!

## Post 17 by CrazyMusician (If I don't post to your topic, it's cuz I don't give a rip about it!) on Sunday, 21-Jun-2015 11:29:09

I do completely agree that many financial safeguards should be put into place before baby came... I mean, it's not like baby was a sudden "poof!" surprised.
That having been said, if you wait until you are 100% secure financially to have a baby, you'll enver have one.
I don't mean to be harsh here, but based on this and the other boards I have seen, it sounds like both of you are completely unprepared for this baby. Having questions is one thing, over-reacting is one thing (new parents do from time to time), but these are questions that go deeper beyond the baby. This is between you and your b/f. If you aren't able or willing to talk about these issues when you have amble time to prepare for them (i.e. 9 months' preparation for a baby), you need to change this habit, and change it now. Sticking your heads in the sand and hoping things will work out, or asking questions that should be discussed between you and your b/f, just adds much more stress on both of you as a couple and as parents...

## Post 18 by write away (The Zone's Blunt Object) on Sunday, 21-Jun-2015 12:45:31

Yeah, you know what? I don't mean to be mean here, but your friends are right: The financial situation should have been figured out before the baby was in the picture. That's very right, and it's ideal. But it's not just your bf's responsibility. It's just as much on you as it is on him. But it's kind of pointless to point fingers right now; the baby's already here and he won't stop growing and needing as much as he does until you guys can figure things out. That's not happening. So that's precisely why you both have to work twice as hard to make ends meet for a while till you catch up with where you need to be, according to your baby's needs and your personal goals as a couple. The fact that you just even asked if your friends are right about financial preparedness before having a baby says a lot about how unprepared you both were for this little guy. It's pretty evident that you're still very unprepared now, quite frankly. But that's beside the point. That's exactly why you both have to pick yrselves up by your bootstraps and get moving on those goals. It's expensive to give a good life to a kid in this country. Maybe not so much in terms of money, but the sacrifices you need to make, the extra income you need to make, the extra time you need to devote to make your family work and to ensure that your kid wants for nothing: that all adds up. I'm not saying this to overwhelm you. It's just the simple truth.
I wasn't entirely prepared for my baby either. But as soon as I found out I was expecting, you bet my partner and I were rasing with those bootstraps. lol. Are you a bit late in the game right now and not exactly where you need to be? Sure. Is that going to make things harder for you guys? you bet. But I also bet you can do it if you're determined enough. You'll be surprised how much you'll grow for your son, how much you'll be prepared to do for his sake and for the good of your family from now on. Determination and the love for your child will get you far. But resourceful, planning ahead, and good communication with your partner will get you even further. Yep; many of us will hand you hefty dose of reallity when you ask our input, but we're here to support you as well. So just get yrselves together and be prepared to be amazed as to what you can achieve if you really put your all into it.

## Post 19 by forereel (Just posting.) on Sunday, 21-Jun-2015 13:38:27

I will agree. It isn't what he should have done anymore.
It is about us period.
When you get to what he should have done, you will open the door to problems.
A wife, mate, whatever the term you use is suppose to be my right hand.
My right hand helps me in all things, everyday, all the time, and never complains.
Smile.

## Post 20 by forereel (Just posting.) on Sunday, 21-Jun-2015 14:58:17

I personally would like to say this.
When I used a house as a goal, I did not mean to imply you need one.
You need what you can afford, and what you can achieve with the skills, money, and blessings you have, not what others have, or suggest you need so your child can be raised correctly.
If one bedroom is all you can afford comfortably, you will take your child to the park to play.
Some people have benefits, or opportunities you may not have.
Looking at another person’s lifestyle will only drive you to over spend, or whatever to achieve it.
If you can afford a castle, live in one, if it is a tent live in that.
Your main thing is the love, and care you share between you.
As long as you are both doing what you can, you are making your personal goals.
If benefits are what you must use, use them effectively.
I heard a saying once.
If we lived in a tent, but had love, we’d be rich.
A goal might be just to have enough savings in case of an emergency, or to move to a larger tent, or maybe education.
Goals are all the time, and varied.
A home is what you make it. Warm, clean, happy.
Just my thoughts.

## Post 21 by write away (The Zone's Blunt Object) on Sunday, 21-Jun-2015 15:41:47

Part of what you say is definitely true wayne. A home is what you make it. And love is what keeps you together. But if all we ever needed was love, we would never need to know the concept of money, of quality of life, etc. It's great to think in the clouds at times. It's never good to try to keep up with the jones's so to speak either, and I never implied it was. But, whether we like it or not, the main commodity in our society, in this country, is money. If we could live on air and love, oh how happy we could be. But baby care costs money. The quality of life of a child also falls into consideration here. I by no means am saying that people should spoil their kids rotten, that people should live in castles. But privacy and independence are detrimental to a child's good upbringing. I think that's quite a common consensus in our society. If one continues with the mentality that we can only afford one bedroom regardless of the fact that their are children involved, whether it be one kid or more, then soon enough, that growing child will be ten years old and still living with parents in that one bedroom apartment. And in that case, that child has little chance for autonomy, for privacy, and so, in that case, do the parents.
Honestly, I'll be frank. If someone can only afford one bedroom, or a tent as you say, they can't really afford a child.
Let's flip the coin for a second.
A child never asks to be born. A child can't choose the conditions or situations he is born into. That's on the parents. So if a couple of parents realize at some point that their children deserve better, and rightfully so, then it's in the whole family's best interest for the parents to get to a point where they can give their child the quality of life he or she deserves.
I love your filosophy in a way, wayne, because it's beautiful and not materialistic at all. But the danger of it is that, in adopting it, people can get a bit too comfortable to strive for what they deserve and just stick to the bare minimum they already have. I'd love it if we lived in a nonmaterialistic society, honestly. I'd love it if things didn't cost money, and we didn't need things. But the reality, once you peek out of your cloud, is that we do. Our society demands it of us these days. Not to keep up with others, but to maintain comfort for ourselves and our kids. Your filosophy might work very well in a third-world country, but not so much in a developed one.

## Post 22 by forereel (Just posting.) on Monday, 22-Jun-2015 1:16:40

America is a fine developed country, but unfortunately, everyone that lives in it cannot afford a house to buy.
Some of us live in places like New York city, and even with both parents working decent paying jobs, apartment living is going to be what they can afford.
We have couples that live in places like Wyoming, and the best job some men can get there is working in the mine.
He meets a women and wants a wife, but he is a miner, and she’s a short order cook at the local greasy spoon.
Both did the best they could growing up, but were only able to finish high school, and really didn’t have the mental skill to attend college.
The money they earn dictates they live in a trailer home.
Does that couple not deserve to have a child, because all they can provide for it is a trailer?
Everyone just doesn’t have all the benefits of others.
We that do can sit on our high horse and say what others should have, because we live in a developed country, but it just isn’t reality.

## Post 23 by AgateRain (Believe it or not, everything on me and about me is real!) on Monday, 22-Jun-2015 9:19:29

Great points here. I'm all for working hard, and always setting my goals higher than what I can actually achieve because it just makes life easier that way in my opinion.

## Post 24 by write away (The Zone's Blunt Object) on Monday, 22-Jun-2015 10:14:18

You know wayne, I'll be honest. It may make me unpopular, but I'll be honest all the same. When people say they do the best they can, some actually do, but many don't. If all you can get is a coal mining job and your wife is a short order cook, that's fine, if you work your ass off all your life and you instill in your children the ethics of hard work and making goals.
I am a first-generation american. I hail from a Polish family of imigrants; they came here just a few months before I was born. All they could afford at first, my grandmother and her eight kids including my mom, was to rent a small falling down shack in a connecticut ghetto. I still remember the smell of crack cocaine so well, even though I had no idea what it was till many years later. It was the smell that permiated the neighborhood the moment you stuck your head out the window.
But my family, though only one of them graduated high school and many of them still can't really speak english twenty-five years later, are hard-workers. They didn't have much to go on, but they managed to work hard enough to earn the homes they live in, to buy the cars they drive, to make a living from the businesses they either started or contribute to.
It's not just about what you have at hand to work with; a huge chunk of what you get in life is dictated by your determination, your resourcefulness, and your willingness to work your ass off to achieve something in life, to own a little piece of it to show for that hard work, and most importantly, to make sure that your kids have it better than you did growing up.
And honestly, if you sit back and say, well, this is all I've got and we live in a hovel, but what can we do--not much, that's only going to recreate who you are in your children.
People have it hard a lot of the time. It's what they do with those hardships, how they handle them, what they instill in their kids that matters.
Many of our presidents lived in poor homes with uneducated parents who made sure that their children still made something of themselves, even if they couldn't.
Living in a one-bedroom apartment with one or more kids long-term, in this day and age, pretty much signifies that the parent's aren't doing much to improve their situation. They aren't making goals, they aren't reaching past their current circumstances to ensure a better life for the family. And this is just a hypothetical stance; I'm not saying the original thread poster is that kind of person. My point is that you make do with what you have, but the mark of a successful person, a person who deserves a family, is how much they can make of the little bit they began with, and what they do to ensure their kids' fair chance at some semblence of success in the future as well.
Too much of our society today is not equipped nor has any business in raising a family. One can get into a pickle with an unplanned child, I know - I did, but it's what you do with the aftermath of that circumstance you're in that makes the difference between a stagnant person and a successful, hard-working parent who has the potential to raise his or her kid to be a productive member of siciety.

## Post 25 by forereel (Just posting.) on Monday, 22-Jun-2015 15:25:52

I understand your thoughts, but a situation needs to be looked at on a case by case bases.
I and my family have achieve much, but I don't look at others and say, well, they aren't working hard enough, or trying hard enough, so they aren't achieving.
What made me understand this is visiting people that lived in places without opportunities I had.
Some immigrants have access to special loans, and resources we native Americans don't have, so they get ahead faster.
Sure, much of this is due to hard work, but everyone's hard work may not equal another’s.
It really depends on where you live, and opportunities you have in that place.
Your family’s support can make a difference in your living.
Even the person you marry can derail all your hard work in a matter of months it took you years to build.
A simple layoff can do this as well, because the major company in your town closed and moved away, and the work you had simply dried up, before you could get your foot hold.
You point out about presidents coming from poor families, but 95% of them don't.
These that did didn't need a house, their own rooms, and other things to be successful people.
That is my point.
I personally would hate my wife, or husband saying to me, you have to pull harder on your boots straps, when I've broken them and gotten new ones trying to get us that house.
The first thing we need is love for each other, and our tent will be that house.
Things don’t make a family worthy of raising a child well, love does.
You buy your house, and you are proud of that achievement, but to some folks, you own a shack, and your neighborhood wouldn’t be fit for them to keep their dogs in.
Sure, we’ve got some people who are totally lazy, but we can’t judge this by the things they have.
Some folks are raised with everything, but still turn out to be bad people.
I like nice things, beautiful homes, nice clothes, cars, and all these benefits, but at no time to I feel my neighbor that doesn’t have them is lesser for it. I never think they simply aren’t “doing his or her best.” Again, I firmly believe, if we live in a tent, but have love, we are rich.
Live with a mate that is always on about what you have to have, and what you aren’t doing is a bad place to be in.
When you do get a million dollars, it still won’t be enough. She’ll want more.

## Post 26 by write away (The Zone's Blunt Object) on Monday, 22-Jun-2015 15:52:29

I don't know of any of the loans for immigrants and other such resources you speak of.
I do know, however, a lot about a hard day's work, an honest living, setting goals, and knowing when enough is enough, instead of chasing more simply for the chance to say that you have more. I also know a great deal about love, and about how it shapes a family. Smile.

## Post 27 by forereel (Just posting.) on Monday, 22-Jun-2015 18:23:31

Good. You'll do. Smile.
Opertunity is just what can make a person or brake them in my opinion.
In your case, if your family was not able to come here because of some rules, maybe your life would be vary different.
This happens right here in America as well.
I just think people should think these things over, before they decide another isn't doing what they can, or should probably have this or that.
Life just isn't fair to us all on some level, if you think about it in that vain anyway.

## Post 28 by pyromaniac (Burning all of mankind to dust. ) on Tuesday, 08-Sep-2015 20:25:02

I think money can make you happy up to a certain dollar amount. Obviously most people would prefer not to worry about whether or not there is a roof over there head, but once you get into the top 10% of income earners having money does not solve all of your problems. Many of the folks on here are very intelegent individuals who can't get employed because discrimination is still a very real reality for the disabled and other minorities. As Wayne said there are still some resources available for those in economically disadvantaged neighborhoods. Plenty of youth programs and things exist to get your kid off of the street and doing something constructive. I'm not sure how having a larger house and privacy is critical to a child's development. A lot of that depends on what restrictions the parents place on a child. Just my unorganized ramblings.

## Post 29 by pyromaniac (Burning all of mankind to dust. ) on Tuesday, 08-Sep-2015 20:26:47

I think money can make you happy up to a certain dollar amount. Obviously most people would prefer not to worry about whether or not there is a roof over there head, but once you get into the top 10% of income earners having money does not solve all of your problems. Many of the folks on here are very intelegent individuals who can't get employed because discrimination is still a very real reality for the disabled and other minorities. As Wayne said there are still some resources available for those in economically disadvantaged neighborhoods. Plenty of youth programs and things exist to get your kid off of the street and doing something constructive. I'm not sure how having a larger house and privacy is critical to a child's development. A lot of that depends on what restrictions the parents place on a child. Just my unorganized ramblings.

## Post 30 by pyromaniac (Burning all of mankind to dust. ) on Tuesday, 08-Sep-2015 20:27:14

I think money can make you happy up to a certain dollar amount. Obviously most people would prefer not to worry about whether or not there is a roof over there head, but once you get into the top 10% of income earners having money does not solve all of your problems. Many of the folks on here are very intelegent individuals who can't get employed because discrimination is still a very real reality for the disabled and other minorities. As Wayne said there are still some resources available for those in economically disadvantaged neighborhoods. Plenty of youth programs and things exist to get your kid off of the street and doing something constructive. I'm not sure how having a larger house and privacy is critical to a child's development. A lot of that depends on what restrictions the parents place on a child. Just my unorganized ramblings.

## Post 31 by forereel (Just posting.) on Wednesday, 09-Sep-2015 17:53:52

I'd agree.

## Post 32 by pyromaniac (Burning all of mankind to dust. ) on Wednesday, 09-Sep-2015 19:29:43

Woh damn, IE is trippen. Go ahead and delete the multiples if you wish.

## Post 33 by ADVOCATOR! (Finally getting on board!) on Wednesday, 09-Sep-2015 20:29:59

Even rehab thinks I can't do anything. But, I'm pushing on. It took me almost 25 years to find my work interest. So, I totally agree. I never thought I'd be turning 40, living from hand to mouth. I want more. I've pushed and worked, and all that. The problem is, the government doesn't see the potential a lot of us have, till someone hits the nail on the head, and pounds sense into the people working on things. That's why we've had the ADA for so long, and still so much unemployment.
Frankly, it's frustrating. And, I know SSI won't be around forever. I don't care, if we're "SUPPOSED," to have it available or not. Some day, it will disappear. The only things that last forever, are: God, Love, and Hope. That's from personal experience. And what can be done? No clue.
Blessings,
Sarah