# summary of my last year on the computer

Category: Joke Board

## Post 1 by sparkie (the hilljack) on Sunday, 30-Sep-2007 22:26:19

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about
to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my behind.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon
and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a
hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of
my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician.
Have a wonderful day. ...
Oh, by the way ......
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

## Post 2 by jmbauer (Technology's great until it stops working.) on Sunday, 30-Sep-2007 22:33:25

i've seen this on the boards at least twice, but thanks for posting it.

## Post 3 by Harmony (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Tuesday, 30-Oct-2007 12:47:26

Most of my last 6 months on the computer has consisted of the zone. That's at least once a day! Hahahaha!