# how to sing the blues

Category: Joke Board

## Post 1 by Blue Velvet (I've got the platinum golden silver bronze poster award.) on Sunday, 29-Oct-2006 2:34:36

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin'
plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis , Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.
13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. And I don't care how tragic your life is, if anyone in your family plays soccer, you can't sing the blues.

## Post 2 by blbobby (Ooo you're gona like this!) on Sunday, 29-Oct-2006 9:26:12

ha ha ha!
I think this one is a classic.
How about:
"Ridding the boards"
By
Blind Bobby Fishcake
"Well, I woke up this mornin'
.
.
."
Bob

## Post 3 by Musical Ambition (I've got the gold prolific poster award, now is there a gold cup for me?) on Sunday, 29-Oct-2006 10:35:00

Hahahahaha, this is good.

## Post 4 by Blue Velvet (I've got the platinum golden silver bronze poster award.) on Sunday, 29-Oct-2006 11:59:34

How bout by blind bobby beefcake? LOL

## Post 5 by UnknownQuantity (Account disabled) on Sunday, 29-Oct-2006 16:21:06

*grins*. I love this one! *grin*.

## Post 6 by Resonant (Find me alive.) on Monday, 30-Oct-2006 2:38:01

This is the best! Thing! Ever!
And Blind Bobby Beefcake Bridges, I gotta first verse for you...
I woke up this mornin', and realised I hadn't bin to bed.
Oh yeah I woke up this mornin', and I hadn't even bin to bed.
I'm just sittin' at this broken down ol' keyboard with my cheap black coffee and the meanest screenreader in town, talking in my head.
(Harmonica solo!)

## Post 7 by blbobby (Ooo you're gona like this!) on Monday, 30-Oct-2006 5:26:47

Well done Resonant; whoever said that Aussies couldn't sing the blues.
But, what's this Blind Bobby Beefcake Bridges crap. You are beginning to sound like blue dog Becky, and that's a bad thing.
Okay everybody
hummmmmmmm
I woke up this mornin', and realised I hadn't bin to bed.
Oh yeah I woke up this mornin', and I hadn't even bin to bed.
I'm just sittin' at this broken down ol' keyboard with my cheap black coffee and the meanest screenreader in town, talking in my head.
(Harmonica solo!).
I dropped my harmonica Albert.
Just plain Bob

## Post 8 by Blue Velvet (I've got the platinum golden silver bronze poster award.) on Monday, 30-Oct-2006 7:20:31

I woke up this mornin'
and put my pillow over my head
Oh no, another monday
and I don't want to get out of bed.
Too much drinkin' over the weekend
and I feel like crap
but I finally make it to work
only to find Billy Bob Beefcake
has changed my name from Buckeye Fan to Blue Dog
and I can't even write a decent rhyme
Oh yeah, I've got the blue dog can't write a decent rhyme blues!

## Post 9 by guitargod1 (I'm going for the prolific poster awards!) on Monday, 30-Oct-2006 9:25:45

This was fantastic! I'm going to put that list of blues stuff on my next album as there will be some blues on it. I especially like the "snapple does not count as a blues beverage". hahahhaha.

## Post 10 by blbobby (Ooo you're gona like this!) on Monday, 30-Oct-2006 16:31:01

I think my favorite (and it was tough) one is:
13.Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
Bob

## Post 11 by Blue Velvet (I've got the platinum golden silver bronze poster award.) on Tuesday, 31-Oct-2006 8:49:01

A prime example of people responding with more than LOL. You guys paying attention Kev and Dan?