# Taking on another man's kids!

Category: Dating and Relationships

## Post 1 by The Luggage (Zone BBS Addict) on Monday, 13-Feb-2006 9:36:19

## Post 2 by yellowcat (Zone BBS Addict) on Monday, 13-Feb-2006 9:58:47

Good for you - to even think of it !! I can offer no advice - but hope whatever you choose works out for everyone - GOOD LUCK *smiles*

## Post 3 by wildebrew (We promised the world we'd tame it, what were we hoping for?) on Monday, 13-Feb-2006 11:11:46

Hmm, well, it isn't always as simple as that though, is it.
Situations are tricky it usually takes two people to break up, even if the dad walks out the mum could have cheated or they just couldn't get along despite their best effoorts and they still both love their kid equally.
Let's turn this around and say you've been married a few years and e.g. your wife cheated on you and you got mad and walked out. However you have a 3 year old child that you both love very much. She obviously keeps the child because that's just what happens and now she finds a new guy and tells you you can't see the child any more. That just isn't fair to you, in some ways perhaps it isn't fair to the child either to give you access because it must be a bit confusing when you are little and don't understand who your father really is but I think people still have to try and do their best to explain it right away to the kid. I think you can't set conditions such as "you can not let your child see its biological father again" if the woman feels that's the best thing for the kid. If you take on a woman with someone else's kid that's inevitably and sadly, perhaps, a part of the package, no matter what you want.
So, I think condition #2 is something very few women could accept unless they had very very good reasons for keeping the fathers away from their kids. :)
Cheers and best of luck, this is only my two cents mind you and I, in no way claim to be a leading authority. :)
-B

## Post 4 by The Luggage (Zone BBS Addict) on Monday, 13-Feb-2006 11:39:47

Thanks for that, I should point out before anyone gets the wrong idea, that I'm not currently looking at someone who has kids! LOL! I just thought it was an interesting topic for disgussion here, that's all.
You are right of course - the circumstances of the breakup of the previous relationship are significant.
Your example makes perfect sense. I'm talking about situations where perhaps the girl got pregnant at say, 21, and the guy couldn't handle it and did a runner. Then, 3 or 4 years down the line, the guy suddenly grows up, and suddenly starts demanding access rights etc. That's what I wouldn't stand for.
Matt

## Post 5 by changedheart421 (I've now got the bronze prolific poster award! now going for the silver award!) on Monday, 13-Feb-2006 11:54:52

I am agreeing with the post above. If the parent who is getting screwed by the mom's new man wanting the kids there can be complications.

## Post 6 by wildebrew (We promised the world we'd tame it, what were we hoping for?) on Monday, 13-Feb-2006 14:29:58

I think it is a very interesting question.
But I basically think you can't really set conditions in a relationship, not that explicitly, it's not a contract, it's about two people loving each other and if they do they'll try to make their lives fit so that they can be together.
But I think that when you are dating a woman with kids her kids will always be her #1 priority, even before you so if she thinks it's good for her kids to see their biological dad you are basically wrecking the relationship by flat out saying "it's me or him" if you can convince her that seeing their dad is not the ideal thing for the kids and you can really support that argument somehow that might be a different story but I think you must respect the fact she has the kids and that dating or marrying her will involve a certain level of dealing with her ex that's just a fact. ;)
cheers
-B

## Post 7 by sugar (Entertain me. I dare you.) on Tuesday, 14-Feb-2006 13:42:34

If I were in such a persition, I would be taking on somebody else's children because I wanted too. Because I loved them, I loved the kids, and I was willign to be totally devoted. I think to give such an ultimatum as you are suggesting, is wrong. It's not up to you to be setting conditions like that. You're either comitted, or you're not. End of story.

## Post 8 by The Luggage (Zone BBS Addict) on Tuesday, 14-Feb-2006 18:10:33

You're missing the point though! I'm not saying I wouldn't take on someone else's kids at all! I'm saying I couldn't take on their biological father too! Unless it was the woman's fault the relationship broke up, in which case, I wouldn't be with her in the first place most likely.
Let's say that a girl has 2 kids with her previous partner right? And that partner subsequently fucked off and left her and the kids for another woman. Then I come along and learn that my new partner is happy for her kids to go visit their real father. It's that I couldn't accept. I would gladly take on those kids, but they would have to become my kids. Not his, mine! Otherwise, it would just feel as though I was doing his job for him, and that no matter how hard I tried, those kids would always understand that I was just a substitute father. If I ended up in a situation like that, I would have to adopt the kids as my own legally, thus giving the biological father no visitation rights what so ever. He walked out and left them way back when, so why should he suddenly be able to come along and interfere with the way I and their mother were bringing them up. Because that would almost certainlly happen. No father in his position would be able to avoid making any comments about their up-bringing if it conflicted with his own personal views. And whether I liked it or not, if I didn't adopt them, he would always have more right to an opinion than I would because he would still be their true father. Nothing would change that. Also, the kids would be something that he would always have in common with his ex. If my views and descisions didn't overrule his, then what would be the point?
For example, let's say that my partner and I decide to send the kids to boarding school when they turn 11, and that they're both up for the idea completely, but then daddy dearest decides to show his ugly head for his visitation rights one weekend, and hear's about the plans and doesn't agree with them. He would actually be able to cause legal issues if he so wished. He could turn round and say, they are not going to boarding school! Anyone High School was good enough for me, and it'll be good enough for my kids! You are not using the child maintainance I'm paying to send my kids to some snobby posh boarding school! And there it is! My Kids! You see? That would be something I would have no right to say unless they were adopted by me. My. Kids.
Matt

## Post 9 by nikos (English words from a Greek thinking brain) on Wednesday, 15-Feb-2006 5:04:46

My opinion is that you can't stop anyone seing his kits. Whatever happened between two people kits shouldn't be involved. When the kits grow up and find out that you are not their father and if they find out that you didn't want them to see him they wouldn't like it. Adopting a kit is only a piece of paper. To make the kits feel that you did as much as their father is much more difficult and this is the most important thing to do.
I might be wrong but that's how i feel. If i was going out with a woman with kits i would never stop the kits to see their dad. It's their right to know the truth and make thheir own decitions and also the dad's right to see them as well.
Nikos

## Post 10 by wildebrew (We promised the world we'd tame it, what were we hoping for?) on Wednesday, 15-Feb-2006 10:04:28

Agree with the last post. I understand your feelings Matt, definitely, and I see where you're coming from but I think you can't set such an ultimatum and the minute you put this to any woman with kids you might be going out with (in that theoretical instance) she would most likely feel forced to break up with you and feel you didn't care for her kids or their well being at all, the kids would also eventually feel bitter and resentful towards you when they found out the story, it has to be their decission, by taking on a woman with kids you're also taking on her ex husband (or man she had the kids with) whether you like it or not.
cheers
-B

## Post 11 by sugar (Entertain me. I dare you.) on Wednesday, 15-Feb-2006 13:30:13

agreed B,

## Post 12 by tara (the Zone BBS remains forever my home page) on Thursday, 16-Feb-2006 19:33:57

I agree with Nikos on this one. Another man's children have every right to know you're not their father, and yes, sorry to be blunt but you are in a way like a substitute. In certain cases, the kids may eventually respect you and love you more than their real Dad, because their real Dad may have faults or whatever, but surely if he truely loves his kids then he won't for their part. But when the day comes when the kids may respect you more or love you more than their real Dad, that's the day when you may become an equal, or they may prefer to call you, or at least think of you as some sort of father figure and not just "their Mum's boyfriend", but I strongly believe that from the start, as soon as they are old enough to understand, that they have a real Dad, and the man currently living with their mather is her partner, and that she loves him now, but never the less, that they have a real biological Dad. Even if the real father isn't fit to see his kids for whatever reason, he may be a danger to them or whatever, they should still know that the man living with them isn't their real Dad. Only in extreme and traumatic sircomstances, like if the mather was Raped, would I see the logic to have a partner and to let her kids think that he is the real father. I say this because surely it'd be too traumatic for the mother to explain what happened, and it'd be too complex for a little child to understand. when

## Post 13 by tara (the Zone BBS remains forever my home page) on Thursday, 16-Feb-2006 19:43:55

Sorry about that last word their, don't know what i was gonna say.

## Post 14 by Siriusly Severus (The ESTJ 1w9 3w4 6w7 The Taskmaste) on Wednesday, 17-Jun-2009 3:42:15

Lets talk about it as if it was the mother.
If the mother had bad rationality and morals, i'd certainly want a right to determine how much they would get to see them. I'd want the same amount of rights say Amy got and say my husband Ben would have. I also want no issue with influencing and teaching my morals to the children and no such fuss as of "You don't dare influence your rational morals to my kids"