# I have a question (sexual tone) but not explicit

Category: Getting to Know You

## Post 1 by Devious_Britches (smarty pants) on Saturday, 08-Oct-2005 16:38:05

Ok My question is for those that may be bi, gay or otherwise and also for straight kind of. I have noticed through friends and on here that when some one that is bi or gay introduces them self they will say Hi my name is and somewhere in the onversaiton they will announce their sexuality.
Now I can see doing this if you were looking at the person as a possible partner but why do some feel the need to in general conversaiton? I don't hear this done on the straight level like I wouldn't say Hi my name is Maria and I'm straight how do you do. I just don't see the need if you are just going to be my friend anyhow. Why do I need to know who you prefer in bed? Am I just one of those odd straight people that don't find a need to know and there are so many others that have pushed this sort of behavior on people where they feel they have to let you know? I mean the only time I see this as need to know is if like, and this has happened, I am interested in a person who I perceive to be male and they are femlae. Then and only then do I think that they should say hey are you sure or you know I'm female. This happened to my baby sister. A girl took a liking to her and got her to go out with her and never mentioned that she was female. You couldn't tell by just looking at her with out checking either. Now in that case I feel that is crossing the line. But in a case where you are just frineds I don't care what you have sex with. So what do you guys think? Should a person feel they have to tell you their preference? If you always do this why do you do this?

## Post 2 by Ukulele<3 (Try me... You know you want to.) on Saturday, 08-Oct-2005 19:43:12

No. I feel that it is not anything that people who get to know me have to reveal about themselves. It won't bother me one bit if the person is gay/bi but if the person feels that it is something they have to share with me, I don't mind either. To me, it is just a fact about someone in which I know and feel comfortable with. lol I know I'm not making any sense here but basically, I feel that if the person wants to disclose that fact to me, it's ok and I don't have any problems with it.
*sexy*

## Post 3 by rdfreak (THE ONE AND ONLY TRUE-BLUE KANGA-KICKIN AUSIE) on Saturday, 08-Oct-2005 19:45:34

I guess it's just a further attempt to try and prove to the public who they are and it's something not to be ashamed of. I personally wouldn't do it, but then I don't really introduce myself formally a lot of the time on these boards anyway Lol

## Post 4 by firetiger (Generic Zoner) on Sunday, 09-Oct-2005 11:47:49

well I'm a lesbian and I rarely have a conversation with some one i've just met or am getting to know without them asking do you have a boyfriend? And then I have to tell them because I have a girlfriend. It's kinda hard getting to know some one without asking something about their private life. EVen something like, who do you live with? I would have to answer, my girlfriend and then the conversation goes on to me being gay. People are just naturally curious and i'm out and proud and don't attempt to hide my sexuality.

## Post 5 by chelslicious (like it or not, I'm gonna say what I mean. all the time.) on Sunday, 09-Oct-2005 15:12:23

that's exactly how i feel. if someone asks me if i have a boyfriend, since i'm single now, i'd just say no, but if they persue further, i'll be honest with them.

## Post 6 by Luce (Zone BBS Addict) on Sunday, 09-Oct-2005 16:55:41

Here, here! And mrs, how come you always beat me to posting on the boards here?! Damn it! Well, the answer is pretty much the same for me as the previous two posts. I don't tend to say 'Hi I'm Lucy, and I'm gay'. But it is inevitable, if you're chatting to people and getting to know people, that you discuss your private life. Such as do you have a boyfriend, or do you live at home etc. And being in a relationship, I would reply I have a girlfriend and I live with her. It's not a fact that I'd be inclined to hide or not to mention. And there's something about society 'assuming' you to be straight. Plus, I am very proud of my girlfriend and I love her more than anything! So I want to tell anyone that will listen! To be honest, even being a lesbian, it does get on my nerves when people say 'Hi I'm so and so, and I'm gay'. Cos it just feels like they either want to make an issue of their sexuality or something. If it comes up in 'getting to know you' conversations, then fine, but to just say it on introduction, has a certain arrogance or air of confrontation that I dislike.

## Post 7 by Goblin (I have proven to myself and the world that I need mental help) on Monday, 10-Oct-2005 11:45:53

with many its a pride issue and why not ..however when I introduce myself I do not start by talking about my sexuality, when I was more into frequenting the clubs ect, I would drop it into the conversation so my prospective date, knew where they stood.Now the scene is not so prominent in my life and as I work with children, and parents are jittery enough as it is, then discretion is the better part of a lawsuit..smile

## Post 8 by Goblin (I have proven to myself and the world that I need mental help) on Monday, 10-Oct-2005 12:41:25

Dl. I have found that those in your face gay/bi/lb people, are completely insincere, and so racked with guilt over their sexual preference, that they can hardly control the urge to be obnoxious..

## Post 9 by IndigoJess (Generic Zoner) on Saturday, 12-Jan-2008 17:03:21

Just thought I'd weigh in on this. In general, I'm the shocking one. People are stuck in visual stereotypes, and even with my rainbow peace sign meant to show people that they're safe with me, most people don't get it. They think I'm just a very open-minded ally. Online, I am more likely to put it out there right away for 2 reasons. First, it's the easiest way to not waste someone's time when one of those really needy, strange guys IMs you. (You know the ones). Second, it's just an easy way to know what I'm up against. Disapproval of sexuality won't in and of itself push me away, but an inability to discuss views intelligently will.
I'll agree with both Tiger and Lucy, though. Assumed heterosexuality can be frustrating, and I balance between wanting people to not assume and being really tired of having to be the token gay woman again. It depends on my headspace. I like being known as "the owner of the guide dog" as much as "that blind lesbian". They're aspects, not all of me.

## Post 10 by Eleni21 (I have proven to myself and the world that I need mental help) on Saturday, 12-Jan-2008 21:24:11

I'm the daughter of two lesbians, whom I love very much. I usually don't go around saying "Hi, I'm Tiffany, and my parents are lesbians". But I put it here in my profile to save the questions about my father and is your mother single and all that crap. Plus, they got married in August and this is really the first year that I can say it totally openly. My parents are very low key. I found about them when I was about 14 or so and had no problems with it, but because Mom didn't want me to get hurt or ridiculed etc, she always said to say that Joanie was my aunt. It was ok, though, if I got to know someone really well and decided to tell them. So I had about three friends who were in the know. This frustrated me alot. So part of it is now a pride thing with me because I could finally talk about my parents instead of just Mom and occasionally, my aunt. I'm also 24 and in an age gap relationship. My boyfriend and I are 39 years apart. Here, it's definitely a pride thing. I wanna show my boyfriend off. That and it keeps the other guys away, as was said. Plus, since it's already out in my profile, I don't have to deal with the shock or bullshit from others. If they wanna talk to me after seeing what I have to say, great. If not, I respect that. But at least you know and don't have to waste your time. It also makes for a great conversation.

## Post 11 by hypatia (Much Scarier in Person) on Monday, 21-Jan-2008 4:41:15

Well, having come out as a lesbian, oh, about 27 years ago maybe I ýhave a little different perspective. At the time, even in supposedly ýliberal New York City, it wasn't something anyone just talked about ýcasually. It was something you maybe told friends and co-workers ýand you did it by taking a deep breath and then the response was ýalways one of a few pat lines like "well, I'm not like that but it's Okay ýwith me as long as you don't think I'm like that." Or someone might ýfreak out and insist you couldn't be or just disassociate with you ýaltogether. Most people kept most of their friends and their jobs when ýthey came out where I was but many lost their parents and other ýrelatives.
Anyway, not done casually. Not, however, what friends of ýmine one generation older lived with who didn't wonder how to tell, ýthey wondered how to hide. I have one friend and had one who died ýrecently who were locked up and given shock treatments to "cure ýthem". I thought I was lucky to live in a place and time where nothing ýwould happen to me if someone found out. I did what many now are ýtelling gay people they'd prefer - lived my life and didn't talk about it. ýThe cost? well, one cost for me was having a partner die and not ýhaving a context to tell my co-workers because I hadn't spoken about ýher in the first place. I had been planning to bring her to the ýdepartment's Christmas party and that would have been the context ýfor telling them but she was run over by a bus before we could do ýthat. That was 18 years ago, about the time Tiffanitsa's parents got ýtogether. I was too heart broken to work or do much of anything and ýpeople in my life didn't know why. I remember cases also where a ýcouple would be raising kids, usually two women but the kids would ýonly be the legal children of one parent and that parent died and the ýkids were removed from their other parent at the time they needed ýher most. Those were the issues - how to protect loved ones--ýpartners, children, yourself, when a partner died or you broke up. ý
that was not long after the case that I don't hear much about ýanymore of Sharon Kowalski who sustained a head injury in an ýaccident and whose parents were able to keep her in a nursing home ýaway from Karen, her life partner and have the nursing home comply ýwith their desire to not let Karen or any of Sharon's friends from her ýadult life visit her. Karen was able to get her out by getting custody of ýher but only after many years of court battles and having lost ývaluable rehabilitation time which might have permitted Sharon to ýregain more both physically and mentally than she currently lives ýwith. Isolation is definitely not the rehabilitation mode of choice when ýsomeone has a head ýý injury. ý
It was because of cases like that that we were trying hard to come out ýto family, friends, co-workers, etc. we were told by lawyers that this ýwas the best protection - that people couldn't deny something that had ýso many witnesses. ý
That was the motivation behind our decision for my partner to go to ýthe aforementioned Christmas party. I was supposedly lucky that her ýparents "allowed" me at the funeral - I really did have absolutely no ýrights in relation to the woman I loved most in the world. ý
I don't think that most people today, especially younger people who ýtalk readily and up-front about being gay are doing it thinking they are ýprotecting their rights. For one thing, sexual orientation is something ýentwined in every aspect of life, just that straight people are not so ýware of it, just as sighted people are not so aware of how visually ýoriented things are until a blind person walks into a room. The ýsituations are very similar. Gay people are sort of in the position of ýsomeone with low vision - assumptions are made about you all the ýtime but there's no real context for telling people except in a socially ýawkward manner since being sighted and being straight are both ýstandard assumptions. Who you are or aren't in a relationship with, ýwhat you want to do about it, etc, who else is or isn't in what ýrelationship to each other, etc. are daily conversations. " ý
and if you are, as I am, single, how *are* you supposed to meet ýsomeone if nobody knows. Outside of college, if you have a routine ýlife and pretty much see the same people all the time, it's the new ýpeople you meet who *are* potential dates or potential best friends ýwith someone they might introduce you to, etc. You can't tell by ýlooking what someone's sexual orientation is, really you can't. ý
but regardless of the conscious reason people will talk about being ýgay, it's something we encouraged people to do for survival reasons ýand that imperative most likely helped propel a culture where people ýdo come out easily and often. I struggle with it because I'm at heart a ýreally private person, but many rather private women come out as ýbeing straight every time they introduce themselves as "Mrs." And whitout having planned it, I ended up the adoptive mother of a lesbian daughter and I feel even more the need to push myself to be more out because what I do affects her also. I don't ýthink anyone should apologize for saying up front they are gay and ýdon't think they should stop because in the long run there is a lot to ýlose and not much to be gained by being what gets called "discrete".