# thoughts on being friends with an ex?

Category: Dating and Relationships

## Post 1 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Tuesday, 10-Jan-2012 21:53:21

I'm not sure if there was ever a topic of this nature on the boards. I'm sure there was, but not in recent history that I remember, so I'll just start a new one.
As the title says, what do you all think about remaining friends with someone you used to date? I mean, of course there are times when it's not possible, such as if a relationship was abusive or if you have a stalker on your hands, or even if your personalities clash so badly that you couldn't get along in the relationship, so trying to be friends would be senseless. I can even understand it in cases where the sex, or the chemistry, was what kept the two people together, and that has faded so there's nothing left to hold onto.
But what if the relationship ended amicably? I know, I know, it doesn't happen often, but suppose that's the case. Suppose you love someone but you're just not in love with them anymore. Or suppose you've come to an agreement that you both want different things from each other of from a relationship in general. Is it then acceptable to remain friends?
I used to date this guy for about 2 years. He is now my best friend, but I feel like I have to hide that fact from most people. I'm very ashamed of it, because my sister, who I consider somewhat of my authority on normality, always made a point to hate her exes. I've never known anyone else who stayed friends with their exes either, although maybe, like me, if they do, they don't tell anyone.
Now let's get down to specifics. I only talk to my friend over the phone or online now. It's been that way since we broke up about a year ago. Is that ok as long as we don't hang out, even if we both know nothing sexual would happen? Because that was always the problem with us, even when we were together--he's a great person, but our relationship was always too platonic. But even so, I guess I don't want to be looked down on if I do want to hang out with him. So what are your thoughts?

## Post 2 by chelslicious (like it or not, I'm gonna say what I mean. all the time.) on Tuesday, 10-Jan-2012 22:02:55

first of all, I don't understand why you're ashamed of how things are between you and this person; if it works for you, that should be enough justification. getting hung up on others thoughts/perceptions will only hurt you in the end.
that being said, I think most people (myself included) don't remain friends with their exes. it doesn't have to mean you hate each other's guts; rather, I take it as an opportunity to remember the times had and move on.

## Post 3 by DevilishAnthony (Just go on and agree with me. You know you want to.) on Wednesday, 11-Jan-2012 6:26:51

I dated a girl in highschool, and 20 years later, she's still my closest and best friend. don't worry about what others think. If you like him and want to hang out with him, go for it. Don't model yourself after anyone else. Be yourself.

## Post 4 by blindbat84 (Generic Zoner) on Wednesday, 11-Jan-2012 9:04:21

My first love, and hardest breakup is still my best friend. For about six months we didn't talk or anything, and it was a nasty breakup, and long story for that, but we are still friends. I sure wish things had been different, and a part of me still loves him, and I think him me, but it just didn't work.
We were out of touch for a while, and it was a needed break to sort things out, heal the wounds, etc. But we broke up in 2005 or so and still friends today, I actually went to his wedding in February last year and get along with his wife surprisingly well, we are ver alike. It was interesting her thoughts on me there, thinking I was going to steal him or something, like that My Best Friend's wedding bit, but though it was a bit painful, I wish him the best.
All my other exes? Forget it, there was NO way to maintain those friendships, too messy, too wierd, too just not good for it. But me and my first love in a lot of things? It works out, though we don't talk as much as we used to, things have been busy, he is always here for me and me him and it is nice. We can't hang out as he is in FL and I'm in IL, but spending two weeks with them was nice all the same.
It is a bit awkward to some people that we are still friends, but it just seems to fit, I owe him so much, even if in the end he hurt me badly, but it all worked out, I owe him so much and I wouldn't be the great person I am without him.
Sometimes it just works out that lovers wasn't the way it was supposed to be, but still you learn something about yourself all the same, and then friendship is what was meant to happen all along.
If I ever fall in love again, I hope things can be well with that ex, because otherwise it ends up mostly no contact afterward... Usually, but not always.

## Post 5 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Wednesday, 11-Jan-2012 9:27:51

I think that if the break-up was mutual; both people wanted it and agreed that it would be for the best, then I definitely think it's possible to remain friends. But if there's any sort of disagreement about the reason for the break-up, then probably not.

## Post 6 by CrazyMusician (If I don't post to your topic, it's cuz I don't give a rip about it!) on Wednesday, 11-Jan-2012 13:48:03

I think it is a rare situation in which remaining friends could work, but it is definitely the exception rather than the rule. It woudl take two incredibly wise and mature people, and two incredibly secure future spouses as well.

## Post 7 by jessmonsilva (Taking over the boards, one topic at a time.) on Wednesday, 11-Jan-2012 23:32:20

I'm friends or at least get along ammicably with most of my ex's so I don't really know if these cases are exactly true. I may just be an odd one though, but I can honestly say I don't get along at all with one of my ex's. The rest I get along just fine.

## Post 8 by changedheart421 (I've now got the bronze prolific poster award! now going for the silver award!) on Friday, 13-Jan-2012 20:38:40

An x is an x. that is how I view it.

## Post 9 by DRUM GODDESS (I can't call it a day til I enter the zone BBS) on Friday, 13-Jan-2012 23:59:46

I tried to be friends with an x once and it really didn't work out to well. The rest of my x's I haven't even really tried.

## Post 10 by Lisa's Girl forever (Help me, I'm stuck to my chair!) on Saturday, 14-Jan-2012 6:00:36

to be honest. i feel that i would not be able to be friends. with my ex. it's two. hard.

## Post 11 by Godzilla-On-Toast (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Sunday, 15-Jan-2012 19:02:30

When I broke up with my ex we tried to be friends but I think she wanted to keep me around because she thought she depended on me for some things. Now that I'm with somebody new and married, I just don't want anything to do with her, as she represents a part of my life that, although necessary for the future, is something I want to be left in the past.

## Post 12 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Monday, 16-Jan-2012 13:06:29

That's just it. Usually the reason that friendships between exes don't end up working is because one or both parties can't leave the past in the past. If both of you can do this, completely, then you might be able to remain friends.

## Post 13 by Shepherdwolf (I've now got the bronze prolific poster award! now going for the silver award!) on Tuesday, 21-Feb-2012 3:12:20

I've had two exes that I'm still friends with to this day. Both involved a bit of drama in the aftermath of the breakup for one reason or other, but in both cases we shook ourselves off, realized that one of the reasons we got so close in the first place is because we really did like each other before being in love with each other, and it's been pretty good ever since.
Thus, my stance is simple: there is no taboo on being friends with an ex, as far as I'm concerned, so long as it's healthy for all who are directly involved.

## Post 14 by Sarah Crossland (Always up for a debate. ) on Thursday, 23-Feb-2012 9:19:57

Hey. I'm just about to find out whether you can be friends with an Ex. As of 2 days ago, I have one. Like people say, it depends on the relationship. I was lucky, our break ended ambicably enough, but it's still hard. I intend to just give it time and see what happens. I have an ex I havne't spoken to for over 2 years, and now we're talking fine.

## Post 15 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Monday, 27-Feb-2012 21:48:47

Well, that's just it. You have to let the relationship cool down. You can't just magically switch from being a couple to being friends in an instant. After the breakup with my friend I talked about in my first post, we really didn't speak to each other for about 4 months. While we did occasionally talk on Facebook or something like that, we mostly took a break from each other to let things settle until we felt that we wanted to talk to each other again. However, it does bother me how most people seem to think that, no matter what the circumstances, an ex is an ex, and you should hate them. It's just too black and white to me, and ordinarily I wouldn't care, but it's people that I'm close to who say things like that and make me feel guilty.

## Post 16 by Shepherdwolf (I've now got the bronze prolific poster award! now going for the silver award!) on Friday, 02-Mar-2012 18:23:26

I've had people I'm close to, family and such, say really nasty things about a couple of my exes. Sometimes they were sort of true, mostly they weren't...and they were usually said in the spirit of driving a wedge. "You're broken up for a reason, now keep your damn distance". And I resent the hell out of it.
I know better than to let such pettiness get in the way of what I want, but it's still rather disheartening to watch people you thought were beyond this sort of immaturity go from liking and supporting you one minute, to cutting down someone you love the next, all because you decided to split. This may be less harmful if you were the one doing the breakup and you fell out of love and such, but it still hurts. It's as if there's a trigger in these people which tells them that the more vehement they are, the more their support means. Personally, I tend to give people like that a good hard little push, figuratively speaking, to get them to remember their place. If I want honest support - and sometimes I'm sure I do - then I will know where to find it, but I don't need it shoved down my throat in the repeated and often unjustified cutting-down of a person I was close to, and with whom I still may be close in some ways.
In a nutshell, I'm agreeing with the last poster. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't between exes, but I can safely say that I have never started disliking someone purely because we've stopped dating. I have become more aware of why we split up, and yes, I have become rather angry at some of the crap that resulted, to the point of not talking as much as I otherwise might have done...but that's not hate, it's not even close. You get over it and decide whether or not the friendship is salvageable, and make your choices.

## Post 17 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Saturday, 03-Mar-2012 2:22:49

I honestly think it's unhealthy to *hate* your exes. Not only is it a waste of energy, but it will create tension in any future relationships you may have. Not just that, but even if your ex is totally in the wrong, and they're not worth keeping around for any reason, they're also not worth hating. Hating takes energy, and anything that takes up energy should be worth your time. Sometimes, you just can't remain friends with the person, for a variety of possible reasons, but in that case, I would hope you'd respect yourself enough to cut them out of your life, in every way you can cut someone out of your life.

## Post 18 by forereel (Just posting.) on Saturday, 03-Mar-2012 19:49:18

Good relationships start out as friends. The best lovers were your friend, so if you take it up to the lover state and it doesn't work, why not continue as friends? I am friends with most of mine, unless they can't be. Once I liked them, and they will have the same qualities I liked after, so why not?
I have no room in my heart or life for hate.

## Post 19 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Saturday, 03-Mar-2012 19:56:07

You guys are right. People can be incredibly insensitive at times though. There are a couple of relationships I've had that have ended badly, and I wouldn't even think about speaking to those people again. I don't waste time hating them though, it seems counterproductive.

## Post 20 by matt89 (Generic Zoner) on Thursday, 26-Apr-2012 3:24:29

yeah, if it works, then remain friends, it's not wrong to be friends with an ex. I'm not friends with any of my exes because I didn't want to be friends, I tried the friendship thing and it didn't work. All my ex wanted to talk about was her amazing sex life and how awesome her new boyfriend was, so I don't do the friendship thing.

## Post 21 by write away (The Zone's Blunt Object) on Thursday, 26-Apr-2012 15:34:15

Friends with exes. Ugh. Ok. I'm not going to rain on everyone's parade and say it never ever works. But I can't really agree with the people who say, well, we started off as friends, why not go back to it?
Maybe sometimes it works. Maybe sometimes you can set aside your feelings for that person and cooll it so that you can be healthy friends. And by healthy friends I mean that you don't sit there wishing that person was with you still as you talk to them. By healthy friends, I mean that you can be truly happy for that person when he or she moves on with life and finds someone new, someone they might marry perhaps. If you can seriously say congratulations to them, seriously, wholeheartedly be happy for them without a hint of bitterness or wishful thinking or whatever, then great. But how many people are honestly so selfless, so kind? More importantly, how many relationships end so cleanly and smoothly that you can transition back into friendship without much of a hitch. Perhaps the idea of cooling it and not contacting each other for a while between the relationship and friendship stage helps a great deal, but a lot of times it doesn't. A lot of times a person sees and ex that they haven't seen for a while, and bang! The emotional floodgates open right up.
I don't think we should hate our exes. At some point in our lives they meant something to us; We were once special to each other. So why hate a special part of your past. But being friends is often times the opposite extreme. Make peace with your ex. Forgive and forget. Even be acquaintences... Don't talk shit behind their backs, maintain some respect for them--whatever the cause of your breakup may have been. But friendships between exes can be messy if you can't let the past go. Or if your ex can't let the past go.
Ugh. I'll tell ya, what a heel in the ass it can be if you're with someone who's ex just can't let go. It's so annoying and confusing, and it drives a wedge between you and your significant other if you're the new girlfriend/boyfriend. I'm sayng that because I've been in that situation where a boyfriend attempted to be friends with an ex who still had feelings for him. I hate when people say they're friends with an ex but really all they're doing is ruminating on how great it was when they were together and so on, or fixating on the idea of a future with them. And it's both party's fault then, for trying to maintain a friendship even if only one of them is still hooked. Because then the person who has moved on, hasn't really. They may have found a new someone, but they still talk to the ex that hasn't gotten over them, which is a form of leading someone on.
It's a touchy topic, and I can't judge people I don't outright know because that's not fair. But I've seen a really bad case of exes turned friends who just couldn't get the fuck over each other, and it pissed me off because I happened to be the new girlfriend. And no, I wasn't a rebound because there was one other girl before me after they broke up. lol. But still. it was confusing, because how do you get close to someone who's still trying to get an emotional rise out of their ex, especially if they don't even consciously realize they're doing it. ugh. Ok. My rant is done. Hense my opinion thus far.

## Post 22 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Thursday, 26-Apr-2012 19:45:43

I think it just depends on the situation. I had an x that I was friends with before, then we dated for almost a year and a half. Then she left me for another guy. She tried to sugar coat it but that's what she did plain and simple. But she thought we could just switch magically from lovers back to friends. Needless to say she didn't leave me alone or give me the space I needed. I haven't spoken to her in almost seven years because even the sound of her voice on the phone would make me angry.
On the other side of the coin there's my x fiance, who I was engaged to four years ago. She has three children from a prior marriage and, at the time at least, was extremely inconsistent when it came to disciplining them. Some days she was great about it, while other days (more often than not it seemed), she would scream and swear at them and spank them with whatever was handy. I on the other hand believe in children being deprived of privilleges when they act up, including perhaps not being allowed to visit the grandparents if that was the activity planned for that day if their misbehaving passed a certain threshhold. Perhaps it is harsh but I was raised in a family that didn't tolerate a lot of crap. When we acted out we were punished for it. Needless to say the engagement didn't end on what you could call an amicable note. But after a year or two we were able to start talking again and she's been one of my most supportive friends.

## Post 23 by starfly (99956) on Friday, 27-Apr-2012 9:35:03

I have an X on here, who "you guessed it" I met here we are very good friends and I would not traid that for the world. She is married, has a kid, I to am married. Its sorta net because outside of my best friend "my wife" that person knows me quite well. Do I have romantic feelings for her? Na, its best that those feelings be left behind, because I charish her friendship over anything else.

## Post 24 by LeoGuardian (You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?) on Saturday, 19-May-2012 18:38:28

To the original poster, I'd say shame is a useless emotion, though I understand how dreadfully difficult it is to get rid of.
But bear this in mind: women are better about the friends thing than men are in this instance, in my opinion. Most men who are friends with women who they were attracted to, or going with, at some point, are in the back of their minds keeping their options open. I'm just being honest, and I know the uber snooties who are better than the rest of us, in particular better than those of us with male biology, may come down on me for this.
But I'm saying this so you are aware. I have distanced myself from exes not because I hated them, but because I knew that in my mind - back there in the instinctive areas, I would probably keep my options open, for when I or they were unattached. And let's face it: as guys, we're less particular. We want to be wanted. Women are the ones who, for evolutionary and biological reasons, are pickier about their mates. On many levels they are the ones who are trying to secure for themselves the best possible environments.
So if a woman says it's over, she really means it. She wants better, probably richer, certainly more of some character qualities that may or may not exist, but she is at least not satisfied with the current situation. And your ex may not even know he's keeping those options open. Would never admit it. I certainly never would have when I was younger: too afraid of the backlash, and too, as you well described, ashamed.
Also it depends what you mean by friends. Some people say 'let's be friends' meaning let's remain civil and act like the human beings we are. And I think few people would argue with that. However, it sounds like you're talking real friendship. And let's face it: any monogamous relationship is a friendship on steroids. However most women I know don't know this about guys and remaining friends.
It's part of them not knowing we are basically not that particular when it comes to relationships: A decent person, someone who actually wants us, maybe a few other qualities but we guys for the most part aren't a whole lot more complex than that relationship wise. For biological and reproductive reasons, women are likely to be considerably more particular.
Sort of the opposite of supply and demand, since women significantly outnumber and outrank us guys in population, survivability and longevity.

## Post 25 by LeoGuardian (You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?) on Saturday, 19-May-2012 18:47:41

My prior post was not to cast aspersions on what you two aim to do, I sincerely hope for the best. But he may not even know he's keeping that option open, and you may find at a later time you are approached when you are both single, when for you the issue was very deeply settled.
I've seen this 20 years after a relationship ended, and she is livid, resentful and can't believe what just happened: just a date invitation, when "We were supposed to be friends!" And the guy for years had never made any advance at all, but they both find themselves single, and he proposes a date.
That is all.

## Post 26 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Saturday, 19-May-2012 19:47:07

Regardless of what happens, at the moment I'm feeling more content with the choice I've made. Our friendship has become pretty rocky over the past few months, not because of our past history, but because we're both changing a lot, and things that didn't used to bother me about him really piss me off now. For example, he's very idealistic, and he thinks that all he has to do is want something and it will happen just the way he pictured it. I'm not like that. I tend to have both feet firmly planted in reality. I can relate to that ignorance is bliss state of mind, but I don't feel that way anymore. I really don't think this has to do with us breaking up though--we were growing apart to begin with, which is what caused me to end the relationship, so I guess I saw this coming.

## Post 27 by forereel (Just posting.) on Sunday, 20-May-2012 13:05:44

Well if my exe is having a great time with her new relationship, or even wishes to talk about her difficulties she is my friend. I honestly wish her the best, and that has nothiing to do with us.
A friend you can allow some slack, because you aren't living with them, or having to deal with the things they thiink on a personal level. You can disagree about somethiing, laugh, because you do, and go on. You don't have to come home and they have sold your favorite stuff doggy, because you should have grown out of that stuff, but you do with someone you are living with. Lol
Also a friend has much more to talk about than how great the new relationship is, or they aren't really a friend, but trying to make you jealous, and maybe that is because the great sex, and all is really horible and they want you back. Lol

## Post 28 by Miss M (move over school!) on Sunday, 20-May-2012 15:36:57

Distance and time are important. You broke up for a reason and that should stick - be friendly, but don't be friends until you've both had time to become different people than you were when you were together. Otherwise the friendship will crumble into all the little, annoying things you used to ignore about each other in favor of sex and/or love.

## Post 29 by Remy (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Sunday, 20-May-2012 21:08:27

I don't know the wrong or the right of this, but I do definately know there are a couple of ladies from my past that I would love to reconnect with as friends, and my wife knows this too. Sadly it's unlikely anything like that will ever happen. Someone once told me that girls attach themselves strongly, and they're really hurt when it ends. But eventuallly they can let go. And guys find it easier to let go at first, but gradually over time they find themselves hanging on a little bit to the memories. I don't know if that's true. I don't think you can really label everyone like that. But I think to some degree it's true for me.

## Post 30 by nicksharpmusic (Generic Zoner) on Tuesday, 22-May-2012 17:40:26

I'm in complete agreement with Leo. Very well said. In my experience, as I've gotten older, I've found that it is really hard to stay friends with an x after the relationship ends. I think the reason why is because once you end something as entense as a relationship with someone, it's hard to go a step backwards. I think Leo said it best when he said that a manogamous relationship is just a friendship on steroids. And yeah guys, generally speaking, will always keep that option open in the back of their minds of getting back with an x if they're still into her like that even though we'd never admit it. It hurts when you lose really good people from your life that way. I guess that's the chance you take with this whole love game.

## Post 31 by little foot (Zone BBS is my Life) on Friday, 06-Jul-2012 23:15:04

Back when I was not maried and I was single I look back at some of the people that I have dated and there is some that I am glad that I am not with.
thered are some guys that I can't stand being around but i do not mind being there frind like talking to them on skype.
with this person I regret the fact that I cheeted with a lot of people while I was dating him and had sex with one of his friends.
It just makes me sick being around being that he doesn't do anything productive with his life.
but that is his life and he can do what he wants with it.

## Post 32 by maddy_harper (Generic Zoner) on Friday, 13-Jul-2012 12:39:59

i try and stay friends with my x partners but sometimes its not possible

## Post 33 by maddy_harper (Generic Zoner) on Friday, 13-Jul-2012 12:41:09

i try and stay friends with my x partners but sometimes its not possible

## Post 34 by Runner229 (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Friday, 13-Jul-2012 13:38:13

There's nothing wrong with being friends with an x. I am still friends with most of mine. The ones I am not friends with either used to stock me or wanted more than just a friendship. Most of the time people don't want to lose a friendship, so don't let that go no matter what other people say.

## Post 35 by BellatrixLestrange (I'm here to give everyone a hard time lol!) on Saturday, 11-Aug-2012 5:39:41

Ther's a reason that people are ex's.

## Post 36 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Sunday, 12-Aug-2012 14:20:45

Sure there is. The two of you weren't compatible in the dating sense. that doesn't mean you need to be mortal enemies, or even strangers. Just be careful. Do you or your ex talk a little too much about the past? Are the two of you OK watching the other go out with someone new? It can be hard, but if you've truly moved on, and you still want the other person to be happy, there's no reason whatsoever for a friendship not to work. it's just that so many people think they can handle their ex moving on until they actually see it happen. it's not a bad thing, but it would put a lot of strain on both the friendship, and the new life of the partner(s) that have moved on.

## Post 37 by TechnologyUser2012 (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Monday, 13-Aug-2012 20:59:41

you can be friends with an ex only if that's what both of you want. It doesn't always work out that way though. Sometimes you just need to cut your losses and move on.

## Post 38 by season (the invisible soul) on Tuesday, 14-Aug-2012 2:09:03

I used to date a very special friend in my life. Well, because we are both specials towards each other, we both decided to take a step further. Unfortunately, some events happened and we were forst to break up. We still remain as special friends after all these years. We may not contact each other much during the years and we may have move on and have our own partners/love life/whatever. But deep in my heart, there is a very special spot that reserve for him. Is that mean we going to be together one day after all these years of storms? no one knows. But one thing for sure, regardless of what happen, he will always be that special friend who play an important part in my heart/life.
I guess, exes can become friends. But not all exes can be friends. Some people will distant themselves rapetly after the relationship, to perhaps give them some space to breave without feeling sufficicated from another party. And some, can be a better friend than before. I guess, it comes to what your relationship made from. is it from a pile of sand, where when the wind blows, it blew everything away, or rock, where it might stay the storms, or build from bricks, where even if pparts of the building block might be gone, but the foundation do stay. And friendship is no different than that, if you build your friendship from block of bricks, and decided to put another layer on top, if it didn't work, you might take that layer off and stay where you are. But if you build your friendship from Sand, and try to build a sand cassel on it, it might be good to start with, but ones the wind comes, it will become nothing but storm of dusts.

## Post 39 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Tuesday, 14-Aug-2012 8:45:04

That's a really good analygy. You brought up another good point as well. I don't know if this is what you were trying to say, but it made me think. Two people who have just broken up might be able to become better friends down the road if they cease contact for awhile while they heal from the loss. The thought that you can just turn around the day after breaking up and carry on as friends like nothing ever happened might be what drives some exes to cut ties altogether.

## Post 40 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Tuesday, 14-Aug-2012 18:39:55

I agree with that, and I definitely think that was an awesome analogy. Of course you can't date someone, break up and then turn around and be friends right away. It doesn't work that way. After backing off for a few months, you start to realize whether or not you actually want that person's friendship. I guess what bothers me most is this notion that we must hate all our exes with no exceptions, just for being exes. It's like all their good qualities are supposed to fly out the window just because you have history with them. There are so many songs about hating your ex that it almost seems normal. And, as I think I might have said when i created this topic, my sister has always been someone who would hate the person she used to be with when the relationship ended. Then again, she's had some pretty shitty relationships, too, and I wouldn't be friends with those guys either, but still.

## Post 41 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Wednesday, 15-Aug-2012 11:26:54

Well, again, it all comes down to how the relationship ended. If your partner treated you like shit, lied, cheated, smacked you around, then I absolutely understand not wanting to be friends. But if it ended in a somewhat more civil manner, and the relationship itself had more good memories than bad, why avoid that person forever when they could still be a good friend to you?

## Post 42 by BellatrixLestrange (I'm here to give everyone a hard time lol!) on Wednesday, 15-Aug-2012 11:32:43

I guess some people are lucky that they can be freinds with their ex's. However, I've had some bad relationships so I don't talk to any of my ex's not even to say hi. But, I am hoping that if my current bf and I were to break up, that we could remain friends, I don't see why we couldn't especially since he's such a likeable and well respected guy from everyone he comes in contact with. My friends didn't even like my ex's, but they like my current bf so yeah.

## Post 43 by chelslicious (like it or not, I'm gonna say what I mean. all the time.) on Wednesday, 15-Aug-2012 12:38:52

if people can be friends with exes, great, but those of us who don't share that philosophy shouldn't be looked down upon because of it. especially when, like me, none of the relationships have been with good people who cared about me for who I was.

## Post 44 by LeoGuardian (You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?) on Wednesday, 15-Aug-2012 13:47:19

Chelsea is absolutely right. There is 'can be', and also there is, I would if we could.
Meaning, you may not wish them ill, you may be civil, but what once was just isn't anymore. You actually need to go through withdrawals from each other for awhile, clear your head, and let the chips fall where they may. I still stand by the things I said in earlier posts, but Chelsea really nailed it:
This ridiculous peer pressure idea that you're somehow less mature for not being friends with an ex is ridiculous. I saw something interesting on one of the How Stuff Works podcasts: literally your brain goes through biological and chemical changes during a breakup, breakups suck biologically speaking as well as everything else we already know. So to expect that both parties are going to just be able to make like nothing is wrong, be all friendly right away, and all that other unrealistic idealistic 90s shit is not even biologically sound.

## Post 45 by GreenTurtle (Music is life. Love. Vitality.) on Wednesday, 15-Aug-2012 18:57:14

Neither extreme should exist. No one should be looked down on for having a friendship with an ex, either, as long as it's healthy. On the other hand, extremes and stereotypes do exist in all areas of life, so it all comes down to whatever is best for each individual.

## Post 46 by season (the invisible soul) on Wednesday, 15-Aug-2012 20:56:16

As i said before, not every exes you can be friends with, and not every exes you want to become friends with. I do agree, you do need to give you and the other party the time to cool down, and withdraw from each other. However, at the same time, i don't believe in bitching about your exes either. Yes, you guys broke up for a reason, and yes, your ex may be not someone that you thought they were when you first starting out, but doesn't mean that you need to trying your very best to make that person feel like the worst person in the world, and making you feel like the victom of all time. There're reasons why you step in to the relationship to start with, and there're reasons why you step out the relationship. I can understand its a way to deal with the lost. Remember, it takes two to tango.
In another hand, some people can be break up with their ex the first minute, and involve with another person in another minute is not right either. That rather disrespectful for both party, the ex, and also the present so call partner/lover.

## Post 47 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Thursday, 16-Aug-2012 8:20:17

I don't think anyone here is advicating going to war with your ex. But the ability to remain friends requires a lot of very specific cinarios, and takes a lot of time. Just for the record, I haven't been able to maintain a real friendship with any of my exes either, though I don't have many. I'm just saying, I don't think this issue is as black and white as either you and your ex carry on as the best of friends like nothing ever happened, or you would prefer to be on opposite sides of the world and don't so much as exchange an Email since the day you cut ties.

## Post 48 by LeoGuardian (You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?) on Thursday, 16-Aug-2012 12:36:25

Oh, and unfollow each other from Facebook.
If one sees that the other has got into a new relationship they will possibly become quite upset. It only serves to make things worse to maintain connection. If after a good long cooldown period you can do OK then fine.
I understand it's a femalecentric world, aka it's a woman's world, and the idea of severing connections is often frowned upon by the fairer persuasion, but there is validity in plain old coooling off for a good long while, get it together, and then see if there's anything left. This is sound thinking, not just so-called male-insensitivity. Everyone's highly emotional right after a breakup, and you need a chance to get over it, so does your ex.

## Post 49 by OceanDream (An Ocean of Thoughts) on Friday, 17-Aug-2012 10:35:17

That much I definitely agree with.

## Post 50 by BellatrixLestrange (I'm here to give everyone a hard time lol!) on Friday, 17-Aug-2012 15:27:43

I find it sojmewhat weird to be friends with an ex, cuz what if it causes issues with the current relationship? I mean what if your partner could build feelings for his or her ex when they start talking again?

## Post 51 by chelslicious (like it or not, I'm gonna say what I mean. all the time.) on Friday, 17-Aug-2012 16:33:35

anything is possible; the question is, how strong is what you guys have? entering into a relationship is always a risk of some sort, so if you're under the impression that isn't the case, think again.

## Post 52 by BryanP22 (Novice theriminist) on Saturday, 18-Aug-2012 13:10:20

I think it just depends. Sometimes it depends on how the breakup went but even that's not always a deciding factor. Five years ago I was engaged to a woman three years older than me who had three children. And it was because of the children or, more accurately, her tendency not to discipline them properly, that our relationship ended. Her idea of discipline usually involved spanking them with whatever fell to hand, be it a flyswatter or a pancake turner, and screaming and swearing at them. And while I do believe spanking is an acceptable form of discipline for some misbehaviors I do acknowledge that some people take it way too far, and I felt Jennifer was one of them. The real rub here was that it was ok for the kids to be spanked and cursed at but heaven forbid I ground them from an activity because in her words kids will be kids. Needless to say the breakup wasn't exactly a friendly one since she felt I was too hard on them. In the years since then though she's proven to be one of the best and most supportive friends I could ever hope to have, ironic as that may seem. So sometimes, even if only rarely, you can end up being friends with an x even if the split wasn't exactly friendly.

## Post 53 by Siriusly Severus (The ESTJ 1w9 3w4 6w7 The Taskmaste) on Friday, 24-Aug-2012 12:13:58

never had an x. because you wouldn't call it dating, but if it ended in a friendly fashion and on a agreement thing and not in a bitter fight or anything like that, then yes. I do not see why you should not be. If you love him, well you do, I mean as friends.

## Post 54 by loves animals (This site is so "educational") on Wednesday, 26-Jun-2013 1:44:16

i agree that some times you can be friends with them and some times you can't because of how the relationship ended or how the person was like for instance if the guy did a lot of mean things then no need to be friends with him though you would wish you could but best to not be
A recent relationship i was in sadly ended because of distance but we are friends though we haven't spoken much to one another though we do think of one another which is nice.

## Post 55 by forereel (Just posting.) on Wednesday, 26-Jun-2013 20:58:57

I can always go from intimate to friends, but it is not always possible for the other person to do so, and I respect that.
Ihave said that it is possible for me to even talk to them about the current relationship if they wish.
People change, or we didn't work for whatever reasons, but I hold no bitter feelings unless they made it so, like doing something major dirty to me.
If it is just regular, we didn't match, that is fine, we move on.
They can start a new relationship the next day for all I care. After we are done, we are done.
Of course you miss them, but you have to get on.
We can even hook back up at some later time, it happens, and has happened to me. If I'm still interested, I'm in again for a second try.

## Post 56 by LeoGuardian (You mean there is something outside of this room with my computer in it?) on Thursday, 27-Jun-2013 11:58:16

Another side some have hinted at on this one: Your current relationship.
When I first got a Facebook, we had one of those marital agreements that I would not friend someone who had been an ex of mine from an earlier time.
I'm free to do that, as a man, and she being a woman is free to ask me to do that, because nobody will say she is controlling or any o the other things that would be said of a male partner who asked for something like this of their partner, at least in a heterosexual relationship.
I don't feel trapped by this nor in the least inconvenienced. Because of the value I place on my current relationship, I don't feel it's wrong at all to oblige her in that way. I'm fortunate, since being a man, I will never come under criticism for being walked on or something because I choose to accommodate her wishes in that way.
But it's true, staying friends or reconnecting with an ex does, or at least can, have ramifications in a current relationship. I'll admit to a double standard personally: if she caught up with someone she had used to be with, well, I already know how she is with me so I wouldn't care. I think sometimes we do things with a partner out of consideration for their feelings, all contemporary popular thinking aside, just because we are considering the feelings of the person we're with now and for the foreseeable future.

## Post 57 by write away (The Zone's Blunt Object) on Thursday, 27-Jun-2013 15:53:11

Thank you Leo. Very interesting point, and I completely agree.

## Post 58 by Runner229 (I've now got the silver prolific poster award! wahoo!) on Thursday, 27-Jun-2013 16:22:38

Agree with Wayne. I can put feelings aside easily. I haven't felt so strongly for a person for an extended period of time and until the feelings go away I don't talk to them. Of course you do that out of consideration and they might see you as being a jerk, but you can't approach this in an attempt to make you both happy. You've got to do the selfish thing and do what's good for you and I've learned that the hard way. I only talk to one of my exes now, but I keep it minimal because she takes the most unexpected things I say as though I'm considering taking her back. Meanwhile this same girl tried cheating on another ex with me. After that experience, I know she can not be trusted. What if she did the same to me? Plus her personality is not one I could see myself accepting. She also treated that ex like complete shit, and she is the type to date someone to just be with someone. The truth hurts sometimes, but it's what I live by and it's saved me a lot of hard ache.

## Post 59 by forereel (Just posting.) on Thursday, 27-Jun-2013 17:15:39

I agree with that as well Leo. It is really not difficult at all, if you really like, or love your partner.
Now, I try not to judge what people I meet have done to others.
My reason for this is, 1. I don't know why it happened or even if it happened as I'm told it did.
2. Maybe the person has learned from that mistake, so may or may not do it again.
3. What was done for one person, most times is not what is done to another, unless it is the persons nature. If that is so, I'll figure that out soon enough.
I start every single new relationship with a clean sheet of paper. Of course, I've learned some things for past ones, but a new person is not responsible, nor the same, so deserves a new start with as little baggage as possible.

## Post 60 by Thunderstorm (HotIndian!) on Friday, 28-Jun-2013 12:26:44

Obliging or accepting or taking your partner's word into consideration is not to be known as we are surrendering or submissive, I say. Life could be more interesting if we follow the formula of "give and take". Mutual understanding is the main key for an healthy relationship, you know.
Raaj.