,,special ,,symbols ,,us$ ,,9 ,,? ,,volume

> ,l9e sign4


#ah
,i ,did ,n ,die

,af return+ f ,aconcagua1 ,i flew 6my gr&"m's h\se 9 ,florida4 ,"o (! sad
rituals ,i alw p]=m$ :ile "! 0 6visit my "m's grave site4 ,back 9 hi<
s*ool1 ! pa/or _h told me t 9 "ts ( /ru7le1 ,i wd ne$ my "m's love & /r5g?
ev5 m ?an 9 "ts ( happi;s1 &1 ,i _h 6admit1 he 0 "r4 ,af \r cru%+ failure
on ,aconcagua1 ,i _h felt a p[];l l;g+ 6be ne> h]4 ,s1 ,i want$ ! visit 6h]
grave 6be "s?+ special1 b x 0 m ( an oblig,n 2c ,i n"e knew q :at 6d :ile
/&+ "!4 ,i ?"\ t h] grave wd 2 ": ,i cd -mune ) h]1 an e>?ly pa?way 6!
h1v5s1 b :5 ,i talk$ 6h]1 ,i 0 n"e sure if any"o 0 actu,y li/5+4 ,n t x
wasn't b1uti;l1 ! hot sulfur air (! ,panh&le1 hot all "? yr body1 j ! way
%e lik$ x1 &! p1ce;l c.try cemet]y set back f ! ma9 road1 alm l"oly4 ,:5 ,i
/ood 2s h] grave1 ,i mo/ly ?"\ ab h] d1?1 ! la/ mo;ts ( h] life1 : %e sp5t
al"o 9 ! em]g5cy room1 sl[ly ble$+ 6d1? "? a cru%$ >t]y1 wait+ = help t
didn't -e 9 "t4

,i ?"\ ab h] op5 casket1 : wd h made h] see! ) emb>rass;t4 ,9 ! fun]al
p>lor x 0 z if %e 7 giv+ h] op9ion =! la/ "t1 2c despite ! mortician's be/
ef=ts 6ply h] face 96a p1ce;l expres.n1 my gr&"f sd t %e look$ l %e 0 8j ab
6cry40 ,mo/ly ,i ?"\ ab :at %e _h told me 9 ! mid/ ( h] depres.n4 8,if ,i
die1 ,i want 6be cremat$ & h my a%es scatt]$ ov] ! ,s\? ,*9a ,sea40

,i got uncom=ta# :5 %e talk$ ( h] [n d1?4 ,my rock-/u2orn bra91 : _h only
a3ept$ bl;s af ,i walk$ (f a dock & alm broke my neck1 refus$ 6take h]
s]i\sly4 ,my old] bro!r ,m>k rebutt$ h] ) 8 usual sm>t-ass responses4
8,quit try+ 6get att5;n4 ,y'll \tlive u all1 sitt+ 9 a rock+ *air l ,nana1
gr\*+ & c>ry+ on j l alw40

,%e _h defi$ all \r predic;ns1 ?\<1 & 0 kill$ t v ye>1 & no "o 9 ! family1
except me1 _h tak5 h] reque/ s]i\sly4 8,if %e 7 cremat$1 "!'d 2 no?+ left10
my gr&"m _h expla9$4 8,i don't want 6s.d morbid1 b ? way1 ,i c alw "k t
%e's / "!1 ) h] b1uti;l blonde hair & b1uti;l face4 ,if "! 7 no?+ left1 ,i
cdn't b>e x40 ,s 9/1d ( crem,n1 my "f decid$ 6lay h] 6re/ at ! ,m.t ,c>mel
,cemet]y1 close 6h] "m's home & "r 2s a small c.try *ur* ) h] gr&"m & gr&"f
buri$ 2s h]4

,my "m _h travel$ ! _w4 ,%e _h /ood 2f ! ,taj ,mahal1 _h walk$ al;g ! ,grt
,wall ( ,*9a1 & _h ri45 on ! backs ( camels 9 ,egypt4 ,! 5d ( h] life br"\
h] "r back ": %e 2gan--6a small f>m t[n gr[+ p1nuts 9 ! w9t] & cotton 9 !
summ]4 ,:5 !y plac$ h] 9 ! gr.d1 ,i ?"\ h[ f> away ,jay1 ,florida 0 f !
,s\? ,*9a ,sea4


,! ,florida air 0 /1my 9 3tra/ )! cool dry air 9side my gr&"m's ll :ite
,toyota z %e pull$ onto ! dirt /rip (! cemet]y & ,i op5$ ! door4 8,i get
6visit :5"e ,i want4 ,y g visit a :ile & ,i'll sit "r "h "u ! air 3di;n]10
my gr&"m sd4 ,seigo & ,i got \ & walk$ acr ! grass until my foot t\*$ !
brick bord] t ,i knew wd l1d me 6my "m4 ,i slid my "r foot al;g ! bricks
until ,i r1*$ ! 5d1 & !n ,i sat d[n on ! hot gr.d & plac$ my palm flat on !
b$ ( ll cut rocks4

,! air buzz$ ) life2 birds *att]$1 mosquitoes & gnats sw>m$ >.d my face1
d>t+ 9 & \ ( my e>s4 ,i tri$ 6ignore !m & r1*$ \ 6t\* my gr&"m's pots (
fl[]s plac$ c>e;lly on ! site4 ,%e kept my "m's grave decorat$ ) fre% fl[]s
--lilies1 azal1s1 & birds ( p>adise1 my "m's favorite-->rang$ 9 clay pots
bak$ 9 h] [n kiln4 ,i _h let g ( ,seigo's l1% & he immly 2gan root+ >.d 9 !
fl[]pots4 ,i tu7$ hm back4 ,"s?+ ab ,seigo trampl+ >.d happily &
9discrim9ately 9 ! c>e;lly >rang$ fl[]s & on top ( my "m seem$ sacrilegi\s4
,seigo plopp$ d[n & gloomily laid 8 h1d on ! grass1 pant+ h>d 9 ! /ifl+
humid;y4

,:5"e ,i came 6? place1 ,i expect$ "s?+ 6happ54 ,i "k x s.ds silly1 b ,i
want$ ? place 6pulse l ! b1t+ ( my he>t z if x 7 alive )! s\l ( my "m1 l !
feel+ "s get :5 5t]+ a giant ,go?ic ca!dral1 ! feel+ ,i get :5 ,i'm 9 !
m.ta9s--! va/;s1 ! anci5t;s1 ! imm5se p[] op5+ my he>t 6! pres;e ( ,god4 ,b
"h1 ,god 0 /rangely sil5t4

,? "t ,i 0 det]m9$ 6get a sign1 "s?+ small b r1l4 ,i want$ 6feel h]4 ,i
want$ 6"k %e 0 close 6me "h4 ,( all ! places 9 ! _w1 ? %d 2 \r ca!dral1 \r
m.ta9top4 ,9/1d ,i alw w5t away feel+ l"oly1 unfulfill$1 ) unansw]$ "qs4
,my bro!r wd take peb#s f h] grave >.d 9 8 pocket4 ,once1 he _h plac$ !m 9
my h&4 ,i squeez$ !m until !y cut 96my palm1 b ,i only felt ! h1t ( my [n
h&4 ,i scoot$ >.d & t\*$ my f+] 6! 5grav+ on h] grave/"o1 ,ell5 ,bak]
,weih5may]1 #aici-aihe4 ,gd ,memories ,>e ,"ela/+4

,no *>ge puls$ up f 2l4 ,! /"o 0 /4 ,i tri$ 63jure up h] image1 b x 0
4tant4 ,h] face cd h be5 any"o's & h] voice 0 a bl5d ( o!rs ,i _h "kn m
rec5tly4 ,despite my ef=t 6*annel my ?"\s & 5]gy on h]1 all ,i cd feel 0 !
/ifl+ mid"d sun l a blanket1 ! annoy+ gnats sw>m+ >.d my face & e>s1 & my
sw1ty ;,t-%irt pla/]$ 6my body4

,i red\#d my ef=ts1 b my /u2orn m9d refus$ 6focus4 ,"ey?+ kept gett+ 9 !
way4 ,seigo 3t9u$ 6pant 9 rapid fire4 ,my gr&"m's ll ,toyota idl$ too
l\dly4 ,a s(t w9d kept pu6+ 9 my face1 l an ,aconcagua w9d b g5tl]4 ,x /
%ock$ me h[ my "m1 a lau<+1 liv+1 "s"ts angry =ce cd 2 ly+ life.s 9 ! gr.d1
& on top ( x all1 my memory ( h] 0 dy+ too4

,seigo1 f$ up 0! rel5t.s gnats1 /ood up abruptly & %ov$ 8 sn\t 96my e>1
pl1d+ ) me 6l1ve4 ,i lau<$ 9 %ock1 feel+ ! cold wet nose ag/ my sk94 ,!n he
roll$ ov] & wav$ 8 help.s paws 9 ! air1 & ,i cdn't help b *uckle1 despite !
somb] sett+4 ,i give up1 ,i ?"\4 ,! life >.d me 0 3spir+ ag/ me1 dem&+ my
att5;n3 ,seigo1 ! pu6+ w9d1 ! idl+ 5g9e4 ,& su45ly1 ,i 0 aw>e ( x all1 an
explo.n ( birds *att]+ & s++ abv1 a tractor ro>+ & rumbl+ 9 ! 4t.e1 ! grass
:i/l+ 2l me &! sky bu6et+ abv4 ,all ^! s.ds explod$ 96focus l !y _h n"e 2f4
,& x =c$ me 6wond] :e!r ^! 7 4trac;ns or ! v clues t ,i _h be5 seek+4

,lat] my gr&"m & ,i sat 9 h] w>m kit*5 surr.d$ 0! delici\s smells ( pot
roa/ & br[n gravy1 cann$ pickles1 & fig pres]ves4 ,? 0 a place t _hn't
*ang$ s9ce my "m's d1?1 & t is :5 ! memories came alive4 ,i especi,y lov$
he>+ my gr&p>5ts' /ories ( my "m z a ll girl1 s lively1 /range & magical4
,! /ory ,i _h be5 he>+ ov] & ov]1 "e s9ce ,i 0 a ll boy1 0 my "m root+ >.d
l a pig "u ! kit*5 ta#1 coax+ h] ?ree-ye>-old bro!r1 ,k5ny1 6give up 8
preci\s c&y4 8,o9k o9k60 %e'd snort4 8,fe$ ! pi7y40 ,& he'd drop ano!r
piece 96h] sn\t4

,my favorite /ory1 ?\<1 happ5$ :5 %e 0 only a t9y ll girl4 ,! family _h g"o
6! ,jay ,d9]1 : (f]$ ! t[n's f/ jukebox4 ,c.try music 0 p\r+ \ & my "m f.d
x h>d 6sit / 9 t s(t boo?4 ,%e /ood up1 l1n+ re/.sly at ! $ge (! boo?1 &
2gan 6sway1 tapp+ h] ll feet1 & danc+ 6! c.try music4 ,h] eyes 7 clos$1 z
%e lau<$ & humm$ & d.ed4 ,mo/ (! patrons wat*$ h]1 mov+ s joy\sly1 oblivi\s
6any?+ else4 ,:5 %e op5$ h] eyes1 %e saw t !y 7 />+4 ,z if wak+ f a dr1m1
%e look$ d[n at h] feet1 !n up at all ! smil+ p1 & lung$ desp]ately 2h my
gr&"m4 ,%e hid 2h h] =! re/ (! m1l4

,! image ( my "m1 only a t9y girl1 s full ( 9noc;e1 s full ( 2g9n+1 got
/uck 9 my h1d1 my bra9 3t9u\sly pu%+ x 6! surface4 ,t lau<+1 danc+ ll girl
did n fit 9 ! cemet]y4 ,x seem$ impossi#1 l try+ 6fit a puzzle piece 96!
wr;g slot4 ,! two images cd n 2 reconcil$1 ! ll girl &a life.s corpse1 a
c(f91 a h1vy h1d/"o4 ,h[ cd ! two 2 ! same8

,f9,y 9 my gr&"m's kit*51 ,i summon$ up ! c\rage 6%>e my fru/r,ns at !
cemet]y1 h[ ,i cdn't feel my mom's pres;e "? ! 4trac;ns4 ,z ,i told h] ? ,i
felt m /upid4 ,9/1d ( lau<+1 my gr&"m ru%$ 96h] closet & drew \ a newspap]
clipp+ z if %e _h be5 wait+ 6%>e x4 8,i've be5 sav+ ?10 %e 3fess$4 8,i
clipp$ x \ soon af ,ell5 di$40 ,!n %e 2gan 6r1d4

,d n /& 0my grave & weep4 > ,i am n "!4 > ,i d n sleep4 > ,i am a ?\s& w9ds
t bl[4 > ,i am a diamond gl9t on sn[4 > ,i am ! sunli<t on rip5$ gra94 > ,i
am ! g5tle autumn ra94 > ,:5 y awake 9 ! morn+1 hu%4 > ,i am ! swift
uplift+ ru% > ,( quiet birds 9 circl+ fli<t4 > ,i am ! s(t /> %9+ at ni<t4
> ,d n /& 0my grave & cry4 > ,i am n "!4 > ,i did n die4


,& !n ,i knew t my mistake 0 t ,i _h look$ = h] 9 only "o place1 z if h]
:ole ess;e 7 cramm$ 96an angel p9 or 96a box1 buri$ 9 ! gr.d1 :5 no?+ s
small cd 3ta9 h]4 ,su45ly1 9 my gr&"m's kit*51 x 0 s obvi\s ,i lau<$ al\d4
,! signs ,i _h be5 look+ = 7 ! wr;g signs4 ,i _hn't felt especi,y 3nect$
6h] grave 2c %e wasn't "! any m ?an %e 0 any": else4 ,%e 0 all >.d me 9 all
! glori\s 4trac;ns4 ,%e 0 ! pu6s ( w9d &! explosive *att]+ birds4 ,%e 0 !
liv+ br1? 9 ,seigo1 ! 9noc;e &! play;l;s4 ,%e 0 ! idl+ 5g9e &! ll :ite
,toyota & all t 0 9side x4 ,%e 0 my gr&"m &! palpa# love t pass$ 2t u4 ,%e
liv$ 9 me & 9 e fib] ( e t9y danc+ *2 & %e 0 o!r ?+s too1 ! w>m t\* (! sun
on granite1 ! />k crun* (! sn[ "u my feet4 ,%e 0 ! va/ e*o (! m.ta9 abv me
&! solid e>? 2l me & "ey?+ 9 2t4 ,%e 0 ! grt =ce (! _w & all t -pris$ x4
,%e 0 "ey": & "ey?+1 & ,i knew 9/antly t ,i wd n"e 2 al"o1 t ev5 on a cold
ni<t 9 my t5t hi< up on a m.ta9 p1k1 all ,i wd h 6d is 6r1* \ & t\* ! cold
/ air1 & ,i wd f9d h]4
