
    ,,OLD ,,DOGS ,,& ,,NEW ,,TRICKS
            0,K5NE? ,J]NIGAN

  ,OLD DOGS1 WE >E TOLD1 C'T LE>N NEW
TRICKS4 ,MAYBE8B DOGS >5'T HUMAN4 ,:AT
AB HUMANS8 ,C !Y LE>N NEW TRICKS8
,SPECIFIC,Y1 C A P]SON :O 2COMES BL 9
ADULT LIFE LE>N 6FUNC;N 9DEP5D5TLY8 ,&
:AT AB *N8 ,A BL * GR[S UP 9 A _W
DESIGN$ =! SI<T$4 ,IF ! * IS 6LE>N 6GET
AL;G1 HE OR %E M/ F9D DI6]5T TE*NIQUES F
^? US$ 0SI<T$ ASSOCIATES & FRS4
  ,C X 2 D"O8 ,( C\RSE X C4 ,X HAPP5S E
"D4 ,! "Q IS N :E!R B H[4 ,MAKE X
P]SONAL4 ,:AT AB Y8 ,IF Y 2CAME BL TM1
CD Y MANAGE8 ,H[ WD Y H&LE ! HUNDR$S (
DETAILS ( YR DAILY LIFE8
  ,:5 ,I 0 A *1 ,I _H A LL SI<T8N M*1 B
A LL4 ,IF X WASN'T TOO B"R OR TOO D>K1
,I CD SEE /EP-UPS4 ,I CDN'T SEE /EP-
D[NS1 B ,I CD SEE ! L9ES & %AD[S (! /EP-
UPS4 ,I CD SEE ! 3TRA/ 2T A SIDEWALK &
GRASS1 & ,I CD SEE ! DI6];E 2T ! C.TRY
ROAD T RAN 0! F>M ": ,I LIV$ &! VEGET,N
ON EI SIDE ( X4 ,AT NI<T ,I CD SEE !
MOON IF X 0 FULL1 B N ! />S4
  ,X WASN'T M*1 B X HELP$4 ,I CD G 96A
ROOM AT NI<T1 = 9/.E1 & IMMLY TELL :E!R
! LI<T 0 ON2 & 9 ! "D"T ,I CD TELL :E!R
"! 0 A W9D[1 & ": X WAS4 ,"U ! "R LI<T+
3DI;NS1 ,I MI<T 2 A# 6SEE AN OP5 DOOR1 &
,I MI<T 2 A# 6TELL ": A P]SON OR A TREE
WAS4 ,X 0 "S"TS DECEPTIVE1 : CAUS$ ME
BUMPS & BRUISES1 B ,I MANAG$4
  ,:5 ,I 0 9 MY E>LY ?IRTIES1 ,I LO/ ALL
S5SE ( D>K & LI<T4 ,X HAPP5$ S GRADU,Y T
,I WASN'T AW>E ( X UNTIL ,I ?"\ BACK A
FEW WEEKS & R1LIZ$ :AT ,I WASN'T SEE+4
,= ALL 9T5TS & PURPOSES ,I 0 TOT,Y BL F
*ILDHOOD1 B %ORTLY AF ,I 2CAME ?IRTY1 "!
0 NO D\BT AB X4 ,I WAS8& ALM =TY YE>S
LAT]1 ,I / AM4
  ,) T BACKGR.D1 LET ME TALK AB
TE*NIQUES4 ,H[ D BL P FUNC;N8 ,H[ D !Y
MANAGE ! NUTS & BOLTS ( DAILY LIFE8 ,M
"PICUL>LY1 H[ D ,I D X8 ,I C'T GIVE Y A
-PLETE CATALOGUE1 ( C\RSE1 B ,I C GIVE Y
A SAMPLE4
  ,LET'S 2G9 ) :E!R A LI<T IS ON 9 A
ROOM4 ,:5 ,I 0 A BOY ON ! F>M 9 ,T5;SEE1
X 0 A K]OS5E 7OR1 Z WE CALL$ X1 A COAL
OIL7 LAMP4 ,TD 9 MY HOME 9 ,BALTIMORE X
IS AN ELECTRIC LI<T4 ,B ! PRO#M IS !
SAME4 ,H[ D ,I "K :E!R ! LI<T IS ON8
  ,9 MO/ SITU,NS "! IS A SWIT* ON !
WALL1 & IF X IS UP1 ! LI<T IS ON4 ,IF X
IS D[N1 ! LI<T IS (F4 ,B "! >E ?REE- &
F\R-WAY SWIT*ES1 ALL[+ A P]SON 6TURN A
LI<T ON 9 "O "P (! H\SE & TURN X (F 9
ANO!R4
  ,I H J S* AN >RANGE;T 9 ! H\SE ": ,I
N[ LIVE4 ,Y C TURN ! HALL LI<T ON AT !
FRONT DOOR1 AT ! BACK (! HALL1 OR ON !
UP/AIRS L&+4 ,! CEIL+ IS TOO HI< = ME
6R1* ! LI<T BULB 6"K :E!R X IS GIV+ \
H1T1 S UN.S ,I -E UP ) "S K9D ( NON-
VISUAL TE*NIQUE1 ,I WON'T 2 A# 6TELL4
,YET1 "! >E "TS :5 SI<T$ P VISIT ME & !N
L1VE )\T TELL+ ME :E!R !Y H TURN$ (F !
LI<T4 ,IF MY WIFE HAS G"O 6B$1 ,I EI H
6H "S WAY 6"K :E!R ! LI<T IS ON1 OR ELSE
TAKE A *.E ON LETT+ X BURN ALL NI<T4
  ,! TE*NIQUE ,I USE IS RE,Y Q SIMPLE1 &
X IS QK & E6ICI5T4 ,S"EAL YE>S AGO A FR
GAVE ME A SET ( MUSICAL T1CUPS =
,*RI/MAS4 ,IF Y PICK "O ( !M UP1 X PLAYS
,Y ,LI<T ,UP ,MY ,LIFE4 ,:5 Y SET X D[N1
X /OPS4 ,I 0 CURI\S AB ? &1 AF EXP]I;T+1
F.D T :5 LI<T HITS ! BOTTOM (! CUP1 X
/>TS ! MUSIC4
  ,I ?9K ! CUPS CO/ SIX OR SEV5 DOLL>S
APIECE1 & ,I H A HALF-DOZ5 ( !M4 ,I AL
N[ H A P]FECT LI<T DETECTOR4 ,I H /OR$
FIVE (! CUPS 9 ! ATTIC & H LEFT "O ( !M
SITT+ ON ! KIT*5 C.T]4
  ,N[1 IF ,I WANT 6"K :E!R A LI<T IS ON
ANY": 9 ! H\SE1 ALL ,I H 6D IS PICK UP
MY T1CUP & WALK "? ! ROOMS4 ,X'S QK1 & X
"WS4 ,"! >E FANCY LI<T DETECTORS T H BE5
9V5T$ =! BL 7DETECTORS T CO/ A GD D1L M
?AN SIX DOLL>S71 B ,I DON'T NE$ !M4 ,MY
T1CUP "WS J F9E4
  ,2F L1V+ ! KIT*51 LET ME D1L ) C>RY+
LIQUID4 ,IF ! GLASS OR CUP ISN'T FULL1
"! ISN'T ANY TR\#4 ,X DOESN'T MATT] IF !
3TA9] ISN'T EXACTLY LEVEL4 ,B IF Y WANT
A FULL GLASS ( WAT] Z A M1SURE = COOK+
RICE OR "S?+ ELSE1 X DOES MATT]4
  ,9 S* CASES ,I US$ 6H DI6ICULTY 9
C>RY+ ! 3TA9] LEVEL & KEEP+ ! WAT] F
SPILL+4 ,B N ANYMORE4 ,! TE*NIQUE ,I USE
IS AMAZ+LY SIMPLE1 & ,I ?9K X W "W =
ANYBODY4 ,I WI% ,I _H ?"\ ( X SOON]4 ,I
PICK UP ! GLASS 9 "O H& ) MY ?UMB ON "O
SIDE ( X & MY 9DEX F+] ACR F X ON ! O!R
SIDE (! GLASS4 ,I AM HOLD+ ! GLASS AT !
TOP1 \TSIDE (! RIM4 ,MY H& IS ABV !
GLASS1 & ,I HOLD X LOOSE 5 = X 6F9D XS
[N LEVEL4 ,X "WS WELL1 & ,I R>ELY SPILL
A DROP4 ,TRY X4
  ,"! ISN'T ANY MAGIC AB ^! TE*NIQUES4
,X IS SIMPLY A MATT] ( ?9K+ !M UP & DO+
A LL EXP]I;T+4 ,I "K A BL WOMAN1 = 9/.E1
:O DOESN'T P\R VANILLA OR O!R SIMIL>
LIQUIDS 96A QU>T] T1SPOON8OR1 = T MATT]1
A T1SPOON OR A TA#SPOON4 ,%E PUTS !
LIQUID %E IS US+ 96A SMALL J>1 B5DS !
SPOON H&LE UNTIL ! B[L (! SPOON IS
P>ALLEL )! FLOOR1 & !N DIPS ! LIQUID4 ,X
GIVES A P]FECT M1SURE1 & X'S NO TR\# AT
ALL4 ,( C\RSE1 IF YR M1SUR+ SPOONS >E
PLA/IC1 X WON'T "W4 ,GET SPOONS T >E
METAL4
  ,!N "! IS ! MATT] ( COOK+ E7S4 ,IF Y
WANT !M SCRAM#D1 "! ISN'T ANY PRO#M1 B
:AT IF Y WANT !M FRI$8 ,! SAME WOMAN :O
TAU<T ME AB ! M1SUR+ SPOONS AL TAU<T ME
AB EGG FRY+4
  ,TAKE A TUNA C1 OR "S O!R C AB T SIZE1
& CUT BO? 5DS \ ( X4 ,GET YR FRY+ PAN 6!
TEMP]ATURE Y WANT2 PLACE ! OP5-5D$ C OR
CANS 9 ! PAN2 & BR1K ! EGG 96! C4
  ,Y C T\* ! TOP (! C 6TELL ": X IS1 &
:5 Y GET R1DY 6TURN ! EGG1 SLIDE A
SPATULA "U ! BOTTOM (! C1 & PICK ! EGG
UP4 ,X W 2 P]FECTLY =M$1 & Y C TURN X
)\T DI6ICULTY4
  ,I "U/& T BL P]SONS >E N ! ONLY "OS :O
"S"TS H TR\# TURN+ ! E7S !Y >E FRY+4 ,"S
SI<T$ P]SONS H ! SAME DI6ICULTY4 ,EGG
TEMPLATES >E SOLD -M]CI,Y1 ,I AM TOLD1
US+ ESS5TI,Y ! TE*NIQUE ,I H DESCRIB$8B
:Y BO!R8 ,! TUNA C "WS J F9E1 & "! ISN'T
ANY PO9T 9 WA/+ M"OY OR GO+ 6EXTRA TR\#4
  ,"S -M]CIAL GADGETS >E RE,Y AN
ADVANTAGE 9 COOK+4 ,E>LI]1 ,I M5;N$
RICE4 ,-M]CIAL RICE-COOK]S SOLVE A LOT (
PRO#MS8AT L1/1 ! "O AT MY H\SE DOES4
  ,MY WIFE IS SI<T$1 & ,I AM BL1 B WE
BO? USE & L ! RICE-COOK]4 ,Y PUT TWICE Z
M* WAT] Z RICE 96X1 & Y TURN X ON4 ,Y
DON'T D ANY?+ ELSE4 ,:5 ! RICE IS D"O1 !
COOK] "KS & X TURNS XF (F8NO /ICK+1 NO
/IRR+1 NO WOND]+ AB H[ L;G 6COOK OR :5
6TAKE X UP4
  ,T RICE-COOK] AL "KS O!R ?+S1 & X HAS
A M9D ( XS [N4 ,ONCE ,I 0 COOK+ OATM1L1
&! COOK] TURN$ XF (F 2F ,I ?"\ ! OATM1L
0 R1DY4 ,I TURN$ X BACK ON1 B X DUG 9 XS
HEELS4 ,X TURN$ XF "R (F AG4 ,! COOK] 0
"R4 ,! OATM1L 0 D"O4
  ,Z ,I ?9K AB X1 ,I SUPPOSE ! COOK] HAS
A !RMO/AT1 : 2G9S 6%[ A RISE 9
TEMP]ATURE :5 A GIV5 QUANT;Y (! LIQUID
HAS BOIL$ AWAY4 ,AT T /AGE X PROBABLY
TURNS XF (F1 B ,I RE,Y DON'T "K4 ,AF
ALL1 ,I AM N 9T]E/$ 9 ! ME*ANICS ( RICE-
COOK]S4 ,I J WANT 6GET A GD B[L ( RICE
OR OATM1L OR :AT"E ELSE X IS ,I WANT =
BR1KFA/ OR D9N]4
  ,"S"TS ! TE*NIQUES ,I DEVISE ALM GET
ME 96TR\#4 ,LA/ SUMM] IS A GD EXAMPLE4
,I PLAN MEET+S & SEM9>S & MAKE HOTEL
>RANGE;TS =! ,N,NAL ,F$],N (! ,BL4 ,!
MEET+ ,I H 9 M9D 0 6BE HELD 9 ,*ICAGO4
  ,A LOT ( HOTELS H /OPP$ US+ REGUL>
METAL KEYS & H G"O 6A PLA/IC C>D )A
MAGNETIC /RIP ON X4 ,I C SEE _! PO9T4 ,!
C>DS CO/ ALM NO?+ :ILE METAL KEYS >E
EXP5SIVE1 & IF "SBODY C>RIES A HOTEL KEY
AWAY OR LOSES X1 ! HOTEL HAS 6G 6!
EXP5SE ( *ANG+ ! LOCK & REPLAC+ ! KEY4
  ,! -B9,N ON ! MAGNETIC LOCK1 H["E1 C 2
*ANG$ F ! HOTEL'S FRONT DESK 0A -PUT] T
IS 3NECT$ 6ALL (! ROOMS4 ,X IS 9EXP5SIVE
& E6ICI5T4 ,B ! C>D M/ 2 9S]T$ 96! DOOR
LOCK 9 EXACTLY ! "R WAY1 ! PROP] 5D &!
PROP] SIDE 2+ PLAC$ J S4
  ,! C>D IS %9Y PLA/IC1 S H[ DOES A BL
P]SON "K : SIDE ( X 6PLACE UP & : 5D
69S]T8 ,"O WAY 6D X1 ( C\RSE1 WD 2
0TRIAL & ]ROR4 ,AF ALL1 "! >E ONLY F\R
WAYS X C G8B "S"TS EV5 IF Y H ! C>D "R1
X DOESN'T "W ON ! F/ TRY4 ,S ! :OLE ?+ C
2 A NUIS.E IF Y C'T TELL : SIDE (! C>D
IS :4
  ,B 9 MO/ CASES Y C4 ,ORD9>ILY !
MAGNETIC /RIP IS SLI<TLY SLICK] ?AN !
RE/ (! C>D1 & Q EASY 6FEEL4 ,USU,Y X
GOES ON ! BOTTOM & T[>D ! "R4 ,EV5 IF Y
CDN'T TELL 0? ME?OD1 ANY 5T]PRIS+ BL
P]SON WD MAKE A LL NICK 9 ! C>D OR D
"S?+ ELSE J Z SIMPLE4
  ,:5 ,I 0 PLANN+ = LA/ SUMM]'S MEET+1
,I MET )! HOTEL /AFF 6TALK 6!M AB ! DOS
& DON'TS4 ,MO/LY ,I WANT$ 6PUT !M AT
EASE & HELP !M R1LIZE T !Y DIDN'T NE$ 6G
6EXTRA EXP5SE OR TR\# J 2C !Y 7 D1L+ )
BL P4
  ,9 ? 3TEXT ,I TOLD !M AB ! HOTEL KEYS
& %[$ !M T ! MAGNETIC /RIP 0 EASY
6ID5TIFY 0T\*4 ,I SD T !Y DIDN'T NE$
6SP5D ANY "T OR M"OY MAK+ EXTRA M>KS ON
! C>DS = ^? ATT5D+ ! MEET+4 ,!Y SD !Y
"U/OOD1 & WE PASS$ ON 6O!R ?+S4
  ,:5 ! DATE (! MEET+ >RIV$ & ,I *ECK$
96! HOTEL1 ! MAN 2H ! DESK H&$ ME A
MAGNETIC KEY & TOLD ME ) GRT SATISFAC;N
T HE _H SPECI,Y M>K$ X ) TAPE S T ,I CD
TELL : SIDE ( X 0 :4 ,:AT 0 ,I 6D8 ,IF
,I TOLD HM T ,I DIDN'T NE$ ! M>K+ & %[$
HM H[ EASY X 0 6FEEL ! MAGNETIC /RIP1 HE
WD LIKELY 2 EMB>RASS$ & MAYBE EV5 ANGRY4
,IF ,I DIDN'T TELL HM1 ! HOTEL WD SP5D
"T & M"OY ON M>K+ ! KEYS & DO+ SIMIL>
?+S1 & !N PROBABLY FEEL T \R MEET+ 0
LESS VALUA# ?AN O!RS 2C (! EXTRA TR\# &
EXP5SE4
  ,I H&L$ X Z G5TLY Z ,I CD1 TALK+ AG
6ALL (! HOTEL /AFF ! NEXT "D & M5;N+ !
MATT] 9 G5]AL T]MS4 ,9 "O =M OR ANO!R ?
IS A PRO#M T BL P FACE AG & AG4 ,X HAS
NO EASY SOLU;N4
  ,MO/ P H GRT GD W T[>D U4 ,!Y ?9K T IF
!Y 7 BL1 !Y WDN'T 2 A# 6D ANY?+ AT ALL1
S !Y TRY 6FIGURE \ WAYS 6HELP U4 ,!
SITU,N IS -PLICAT$ 0! FACT T "S"TS !
HELP IS NE$$1 B V (T5 X ISN'T4 ,I DON'T
"K ( ANY WAY 6D1L S5SIBLY )! MATT]
EXCEPT 6TRY 6GET P 6APPROA* U /RAI<T ON
& )\T A LOT ( EMO;N4 ,IF "SBODY WOND]S
:E!R WE NE$ HELP1 ASK U4 ,IF WE SAY NO1
A3EPT X4 ,IF WE SAY YES1 A3EPT T TOO4
  ,Z A FUR!R -PLIC,N1 :AT HAPP5S IF A BL
P]SON IS RUDE OR T\*Y :5 HELP IS (F]$8
,MO/ ( U >5'T1 B UN=TUNATELY 7J Z )!
SI<T$7 A FEW ( U >E4 ,:E!R SI<T$ OR BL1
N "EYBODY IS AN ANGEL8OR1 = T MATT] EV5
A RESPONSI#1 "EY"D CITIZ54
  ,MY ANSW] IS T WE :O >E BL %D 2 TR1T$
! WAY Y WD TR1T ANYBODY ELSE4 ,H[ WD Y
D1L )A SI<T$ P]SON :O 2HAV$ RUDELY T[>D
Y8 ,D1L )! BL P]SON ! SAME WAY4
,HOPE;LLY1 MO/ ( U 7BL OR SI<T$7 W TR1T
EA* O!R ) 3SID],N & RESPECT4
  ,! TE*NIQUES 6P]MIT A BL P]SON 6FUNC;N
ON A DAILY BASIS >E WOR? "K+4 ,NO1 !Y >E
M ?AN T4 ,!Y >E KEY 6R1L 9DEP5D;E &
-=TA# DAILY LIV+4 ,B !Y >E N ! MO/
IMPORTANT ?+ T A BL P]SON M/ LE>N4 ,?
BR+S ME 6! R1SON ,I H DEVOT$ S M* ( MY
LIFE 6! "W (! ,N,NAL ,F$],N (! ,BL4 ,9
MY OP9ION ! ,N,NAL ,F$],N (! ,BL HAS D"O
M ?AN ANY O!R S+LE ?+ 6MAKE LIFE BETT] =
BL P 9 ? C.TRY 9 ! TW5TIE? C5TURY4
  ,I F/ 2CAME ACQUA9T$ )! ,N,NAL ,F$],N
(! ,BL 9 ! LATE #AIDJ'S :5 BO? X & ,I 7
A GRT D1L "Y] ?AN WE N[ >E4 ,X & XS
BRILLIANT PRESID5T1 ,DR4 ,JACOBUS
T5,BROEK1 HELP$ ME LE>N A :OLE NEW WAY (
?"\ AB :AT ,I 0 & :AT ,I CD BE4 ,DR4
T5,BROEK TAU<T 0EXAMPLE4 ,8 BL;S DID N
KEEP HM F E>N+ GRADUATE DEGREES & 2+ A
RESPECT$ COLLEGE PROFESSOR & ,3/ITU;NAL
S*OL>4 ,! SAME 0 TRUE ( O!RS ,I MET4
  ,! ,N,NAL ,F$],N (! ,BL M1NT !N 7Z X
M1NS TD7 T X IS RESPECTA# 6BE BL1 T BL;S
W N KEEP Y F DO+ :AT Y WANT 6D OR PREV5T
Y F 2+ :AT Y WANT 6BE IF Y H R1SONA#
TRA9+ & OPPORTUN;Y & IF Y D N ?9K ( YRF
Z A VICTIM4
  ,A CORE PR9CIPLE (! ORGANIZ,N IS T WE
Z BL P D N WANT OR NE$ CU/ODY OR
PAT]NALI/IC C>E1 T WE C & %D D = \RVS1 T
WE %D N ASK O!RS = ASSI/.E UNTIL WE H
D"O ALL WE C 6SOLVE \R [N PRO#MS1 & T WE
7N ! GOV]N;T7 %D H PRIME RESPONSIBIL;Y =
\R [N WELF>E & SUPPORT4
  ,DOES ? M1N T WE D N WANT OR NE$ HELP
F O!RS8 ,NO8Q ! 3TR>Y4 ,IF WE >E 6G !
RE/ (! WAY 6FULL "PICIP,N & F/-CLASS
/ATUS 9 SOCIETY1 X IS TRUE T WE M/ D =
\RVS1 B X IS EQU,Y TRUE T WE M/ H HELP &
"U/&+ F \R SI<T$ FRS &! L>G] PUBLIC4
,)\T X WE W FAIL4
  ,M1N:ILE1 WE W D :AT WE C 6HELP \RVS4
,& DESPITE ! OLD PROV]B1 WE ?9K T 7:E!R
WE >E OLD OR "Y7 WE C 3T9UE 6LE>N4

